Chapter Ten
brEANNA
I CAN feel his stare on me. It’s practically been all I’ve felt since we all sat down at the dinner table, but I refuse to look at him.
When I pulled up the drive and saw the blue truck amongst all the other cars, my heart skipped a beat while my stomach simultaneously flipped. Is he going to be around all the time now?
It’s ridiculous that there is even any part of my heart skipping beats for him, he doesn’t deserve even a fraction of my excitement, and I wish it would stop giving me goosebumps when I see him. He’s a walkaway joe that needs to keep walking.
Dad’s scratchy voice interrupts my thoughts. “Did the contractor come by to look at the house last week, honey?”
Ugh. The contractor.
Setting my glass of water down, I roll my eyes. “Yes. He came out.”
“Uh-oh, that doesn’t sound good.” Marley says as she hands a honey roll to my three-year-old niece, Niki. Her twin, Sofi, is in Jax’s lap with her little plate next to his. She is the quiet one and a bit of a daddy’s girl. Niki is the outgoing one and will talk to anyone.
Keeping my focus on the roast beef and potatoes on my plate, I shake my head. “It’s not.” Lifting my eyes to Dad, I tip my head and cock my eyebrow. “You’ll never believe who is the only contractor in the area that can do ag-housing crossovers.”
Dad stops stabbing his potatoes with his fork and looks at me. “Who?”
“Do you remember Jacob Neil?” Fingers of aggression travel from the other side of the table, filling the space, making my skin cold. I glance in Mato’s direction, and his eyes are narrowed as he listens.
Dad tilts his head and lowers his hand, his fork tapping the edge of his plate, and his eyebrows angle down. “The little shit who was mean to you at school when you were little?”
You mean the reason I was in therapy until I left for college?
“Yep.” I pop the p before I take a drink of my water. “The one and only.”
“The kid you punched?” Tucker barks across the table.
“Oh, yeah. I remember that.” Mason says around the mouthful of food in his mouth while pointing his fork at me. “You both got suspended.” If Mason didn’t have a mouthful of food, something would be wrong.
Mato has stopped eating, and his voice is deep and sharp from the other end of the table. “What did he say?”
Even though I can feel his gaze like the heat from the oven when the door is opened, I don’t look at him, but instead keep my eyes on Dad. “Well, obviously, you know the place doesn’t have plumbing or electricity?”
He nods.
“Apparently, according to Jacob Neil, before anything can be done… an-y-thing,” I draw the word out to emphasize the ridiculousness of it, “I have to install some wastewater septic system, or something, but in the same breath he says I have too much clay and it has to be some kind of fancy system that will cost an arm and a leg. Can you believe that?”
“He’s still an asshole.” Kinley mumbles.
“Kinley! Language around the kids.” Marley chastises her.
Kinley lifts her lip and playfully scowls at Marley with an eye roll.
“Can you get a second opinion?” Mato’s hand is resting on the table next to his plate, his food forgotten.
Without looking at him, I repeat what Jacob told me about out-of-town contractors charging more as I pretend moving the food around on my plate with my fork is super interesting.
“He’s gotta be feeding you a line.” Tucker says, his deep voice is curt and commanding. After he almost lost his leg in the Air Force last year, he’s been grumpier than my dad and Gray, but I know he would never purposely be mean to me, so I don’t let his gruffness bother me.
I shrug my shoulder. “What can I do, he’s holding all the cards.”
“I’m meeting with a contractor for my gym tomorrow. I’ll ask him some questions and find out if this guy is being deceitful.” Mato says, and before I can stop myself, I look in his direction.
His features soften and he smiles; it’s the same smile I used to love all those years ago. The same smile that melted my insides. Scowling, I quickly look away.
Normally, when I have dinner with my family, I don’t drive home with knots in my stomach.
I know what he’s doing. Most men are like bulls in a china shop; they huff and flex, metaphorically speaking.
But not Mato, he’s like the water that slowly wears down whatever’s in its way with patience and consistency. He was always the strong, silent type.
Even after all these years, I know him well enough to know he is going to take a quiet, sideways approach to try and gain my forgiveness.
Not gonna happen.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Pulling up the dirt and gravel driveway of the house I’ve become attached to, I let my headlights illuminate the front.
Before I met with Jacob last week, I’d let myself imagine sitting on the wrap-around porch to watch the sunset, or sitting in the soft colors of the stained-glass window in the breakfast nook, and waking up to the rising sun through my bedroom window.
Wanting so badly to have something rooted in goodness and tradition for my own, something I can hold on to and take care of. Even if I’m by myself.
A memory I’ve pushed so far into a box that I never think of it flashes in my mind and a lump forms in my throat.
Pulling Mato’s long hair through my fingers, the silver light of the full moon make the strands glow blue-gray. His bare chest warms my back, his arms tight around me, as we listen to the little stream next to the cabin from the deck his dad built.
“I’m going to tell my dad that I don’t want to go to college.”
His hand sliding up and down my arm stops, and his body tenses behind me. “Why would you do that?”
Splitting the long chunk of his hair in my fingers into three sections, I start to braid it. “Well, I’m going to be eighteen in a few months, I can just move into the cabin with you.”
His voice is cautious in his response. “But you’ve always wanted to be a vet; you have a scholarship. You have to go.”
My fingers still, and I look out into the darkness over the stream, my heart beating faster from the thought of being away from him.
“We’d only see each other during holidays, I don’t want to go that long without you.
What if you decide to leave the ranch and you meet someone else?
You always talk about how you don’t just want to be your dad’s replacement. ”
“But that doesn’t change anything between us, Bre. Wherever I am, I’ll wait for you to finish school. I won’t let you throw away your future for me.”
“So, you do plan to leave the ranch?”
“I didn’t say that.”
Dropping his hair, I sit up and shift my position between his long legs, which are on either side of me, to look in his eyes. “But you want to, I know you do.” My nose stings with tears. “You say you love me now, but what if you meet someone you love more?”
He frames my face with his hands, the tips of his long, slim fingers easily curving around my head, and his almost black eyes move over my features. “That will never happen, you are my moon and stars, Bre. You are my everything.”
I didn’t realize back then how bad my insecurities and deep-seated fear of abandonment were driving my emotions.
We had that same conversation so many times, often it would turn into a fight, and for years I wondered if he left because I pushed him away, if his ingrained morals wouldn’t allow me to give up my future for him.
But one question always set fire to my need to still think of him as good, and burned it to ash - Why didn’t he call?
No. I can’t let him in. He doesn’t get to disappear for ten years and come back pretending like he didn’t break my heart.