Chapter 9
Theo
My body ached like a motherfucker and my jaw was sore like I’d been clenching for hours. I tried to open my eyes, but it was as useless as if they’d been glued shut. I always forgot how much cocaine fucked me up the next day.
Wait, is it the next day or later? Where the hell am I?
“We’re at your place. You’ve been crashed out for almost ten hours now.”
My lids shot open at the deep rumble and I instantly regretted it when the UV rays burned like a bitch. I guess I’d voiced my thoughts out loud, but who even answered me?
I swiveled my head around and saw Corvin lounging back in the recliner across from me. His eyes were bloodshot as he rubbed at them and yawned, looking a bit worse for wear. Confusion swamped me as I tried to recall why he was sitting in my living room.
“The fuck happened?” I grated out, wincing. Swallowing a Brillo pad would have hurt less.
“I’m not surprised you don’t remember. You were pretty fucked up.”
A sense of unease settled over me at his tone.
My stomach soured as I looked down at my naked chest and legs clad only in boxer briefs.
Fuck, did we hook up again? I couldn’t remember.
It was like crawling back into my mind after being forced out of it, unaware of what my body had done while I was gone.
I didn’t want to know what I did while I was fucked up. It would only make me loathe myself more.
“Not to be rude, but what are you doing here?” I asked. My head was pounding and it took immense willpower to concentrate.
Corvin slouched forward to rest his elbows on his knees, furrowing his brows as he looked me over.
“I caught up to you when I saw you leaving the party. You were still kind of out of it and when you said you lived next door, I walked you back home to make sure you got inside okay. But you seemed really upset, so I showed up yesterday morning to check on you. I just felt like some of that might have been my fault…”
I waited for his words to trigger some memory of what had happened following the party until now, but it was still a murky blur. Since I was too cowardly to ask what might have gone down between us, I asked the next most important question.
“How did I get high again? Did you bring shit with you?”
Corvin cleared his throat and he fidgeted with his hands.
“No, but when I came by to talk to you, you were kinda irritable and kept mumbling to yourself about something. You wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.
You just asked me to call Aaron for some more party favors.
I mean, I fought you on it at first but you wouldn’t let it go, so I texted him to come hang out. ”
Shit, that definitely sounded like me after a coke high. The comedown sucked ass and always put me in the worst mood. I rubbed at my throbbing temple and breathed deeply through my nostrils.
“What exactly did I take?”
“Uhh well, we all drank on and off all day, but he still had some coke left so you guys rolled some dirty joints and hit about two or three of those. Then you grabbed a couple Xanax from your room and eventually passed out on the couch around three in the morning. He headed out after that. I made sure to flip you on your side just in case you…you know, got sick or something.”
“Fuck me,” I breathed. It wasn’t the first time I had used a Xanny to smooth out the ride down from mixing weed and coke. I had sworn to myself I was past this shit, but one disastrous night with Dawson and all my good intentions came crashing down.
I was lucky I didn’t fucking OD, though part of me didn’t entirely care if I had.
It’s not like you haven’t been there before…
Corvin’s forehead was etched with worry lines as he abused his bottom lip. I wasn’t sure if he expected me to keel over right there or was waiting for me to talk to him, but I just wanted to be alone. I gingerly stood and stretched, the movement rippling through my muscles like fire.
“Wait, what time is it? Hell, what day is it?”
Corvin grabbed his phone off the side table before answering. “It’s about one thirty in the afternoon on the sixth.”
Over a day lost on a stupid bender. Fuck…
“I’m sorry about all that, man. I’m not sure what got into me,” I muttered, averting my gaze.
Except I knew exactly why I’d gone off the rails. The missing hours since Corvin had come over might have been fuzzy, but my fight with Dawson was still crystal fucking clear. I had wanted to forget, to be able to breathe again, but even my mini spiral hadn’t been enough to drown it all out.
It all still rang in my head, sadistic and loud. Dawson’s feral words that I meant nothing to him, that he was finally done with me made me want to fall at his feet and beg him not to give up on me. It was though my chest had been set ablaze, incinerating the last threads of hope I had for us.
The voices were getting stronger and I didn’t want to fight them anymore. I was so damn tired. Tired of being strong, of keeping it all together, of just…fucking existing.
What was the point when my soul no longer had its other half? Why work so hard to get through each day when my heart was living outside of my chest and wanted nothing to do with me anymore?
“Nah, it’s all good,” Corvin assured me sheepishly. “I figured you must have been dealing with something really rough, is all. It’s just crazy you don’t really remember anything.”
“Yeah, that happens when you chase benzos with booze,” I croaked out, rubbing at my eyes and exhausted to my damn bones.
“Oh shit,” he murmured with wide eyes. “I didn’t know that. No wonder you’re hungover as fuck.”
I waved my hand dismissively, but froze when I saw him stand to slip on his sweatpants and pull on his shirt.
I hadn’t noticed he’d also been half naked when we were talking, but now it was all I could focus on.
Nausea swirled in my gut. I hadn’t wanted my shameful actions confirmed, but the possibility seemed too big to ignore.
“Uh, did we…”
I trailed off, unable to finish because I still wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. Corvin quirked a brow at me in question. I gestured awkwardly between the two of us and the lightbulb went off in his head.
“You mean, did we fuck?”
Bile surged in my throat and all I could manage was a quick nod. Corvin’s cheeks reddened darker than before and he let out a nervous laugh.
“Nah, we didn’t. I-I mean, I…tried to throw hints and went in to kiss you once, but when I noticed you were too out of it, I stopped. After that, we all just got more hammered, so it wouldn’t have happened anyway.”
Relief hit me hard and fast. I shouldn’t have been as shocked as I was, but it was just another side effect of what I lived with.
Two sides of me constantly at war with each other, pulling me up then dragging me down in a vicious tug of war that I would never win.
This side always felt preferable than the alternative, but it robbed me of all impulse control and self preservation.
What went down with Corvin at the party was proof of that.
I was just fucking glad it hadn’t happened twice.
Not that it mattered. Dawson despised me now and wouldn’t touch me again. I could shave my head and live as a celibate monk and it wouldn’t change that fact.
The thought soured my stomach further and I rushed off to the downstairs bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face, breathing through the sick feeling until it had passed. I relieved myself and washed my hands, and when I came out Corvin was standing there with his hands shoved in his pockets.
“You alright?”
“I’m good,” I murmured. “Look, I appreciate you coming over to check on me and for...”
“Helping you get loaded for sixteen hours straight?” he smirked shyly.
“Yeah, that,” I breathed out on a chuckle. “It was also cool of you to make sure I was safe after. Thanks for that. And just so you know, you weren’t the reason I was upset. That was all on me.”
He nodded and let out a relieved sigh. “Cool. Well, in that case, would you…I don’t know, wanna grab dinner or something next weekend?”
I could only blink at him as I processed his words. “Like a…date?”
“Sure,” he smiled. “I know we kinda went zero to sixty since we met, what with the BJ and impromptu pharm party, but I’d like to get to know you if you’d let me. I’ll be a perfect gentleman, I swear!”
My heart twisted at the offer. If we’d met before Dawson’s party or even before May, I would have said yes.
I would have been up for anything and relished in my disinhibition.
I would have fucked him and used him however I wanted because I wouldn’t have cared.
I didn’t truly need drugs to be high. My mind took me up and down without my knowledge or cooperation, and when I was up I had no walls or filters. No boundaries. No fear.
But things had changed. I could feel it.
I was being dragged back down, swamped with shame, guilt, and disgust. It was a mental clarity that should have been relieving, but was instead biting and caustic.
Things I’d said and done over the last several weeks pommeled my brain as I spun out internally over what I’d done.
Why did I ever think I could handle this? Control it? What does it say about me that my own mind turns against me and all I do is give into it?
“Theo?”
I snapped my head up at the sound of my name. I couldn’t handle this right now. It was too much.
“Oh, I…I’m seriously flattered, but I’m not quite ready for that right now. I’m sorry,” I replied. His face fell a bit, but he shot me a small smile anyway.
“Hey, no worries, I get it. Can I at least get your number? It couldn’t hurt to have another friend, right?” he said good-naturedly.