Chapter 9 #2
I nodded my agreement and went to grab my phone off the sofa.
The screen lit up and I saw a notification from PayPal that I’d sent Aaron a sizable chunk of change for his merchandise.
I grunted in annoyance at the reminder of my stupidity, but unlocked my phone and handed it to Corvin.
Once he’d texted himself from my number and saved his info on my phone, I walked him to the door.
“So I’ll text you and maybe we can meet up for coffee or studying sometime?” Corvin asked, hovering at the threshold expectantly.
“Yeah, maybe,” I said noncommittally. “Uh, drive safe, okay?”
He smiled and shifted on his feet a bit before closing the distance between us, planting a kiss on my cheek. I was stunned and frozen as he walked out to his car and took off. I ambled back into the house, my head a mess of thoughts I couldn’t begin to decipher.
I knew from experience that this was the start of a slow slide that I always dreaded. Unless I wanted to flood my body with narcotics, there was no way out of it but through it.
God, I hated this part so fucking much. I felt panic start to well up in my chest thinking about the abyss that waited for me now that the high was over. It was a shift that was subtle, but also like a wrecking ball to my system. Maybe Dad had been right to keep me on my meds.
My hand floated up to my chest as it always did in stressful moments, but the ring wasn’t there.
My breath hitched at the memory of Dawson throwing it at me in his room.
He gave it back. I didn’t want to think about the cruel words he spewed as he did it, so I only focused on the fact that he gave it back.
Where the fuck is it then?!
I dove for the couch, spastically searching the cushions and the floor surrounding it but coming up empty. I spun around, eyes searching without really seeing as my breathing sped up and I fought to stay grounded.
A glint of silver snagged my attention on the mantle and I froze.
I didn’t know why it was there, but I didn’t care.
I snatched it up quickly, hugging it to my chest. My breath left me in a rush and I squeezed my eyes shut against the tears that sprang up.
I wanted to curl up in a ball like fucking Gollum and never let it out of my sight again.
Christ, I was such a mess.
A timid knock at the door startled me. I shoved down my irritation at the interruption, assuming Corvin had forgotten something and come back. I trudged over to open the door and my heart stuttered at the sight of the man on my porch.
Dawson’s freckled cheeks stained the lightest pink as I stared wide-eyed at him, almost positive he was a figment of my drug-addled imagination. His brows pinched and his mouth flattened into a line as his gaze swept over me head to toe.
“You look like shit,” he stated.
I just continued to gape at him. I couldn’t fathom why he was here when he’d basically told me I was dead to him. Some tiny flickering hope in the back of my brain said maybe he was there because he still wanted me, that he couldn’t let me go.
“Can I come in?” Dawson asked. The request was soft and shaky and so unlike him that it threw me off guard. I nodded mutely and stepped aside to let him in.
He glanced around the open room anxiously. When he caught sight of the burned down joints on the living room table and the beer bottles scattered about, disappointment and worry lined his features.
“I wanted to come talk to you yesterday, but you…had company,” he finished uncomfortably. Acid bubbled in my stomach at the thought that Dawson most likely assumed I’d been shacking up with someone for two days.
“Anyway, I wanted to come by and maybe clear the air between us if you’re free to talk…or if you want to, that is.”
My heart wrenched behind my ribs as his gaze connected with mine.
I didn’t deserve his time or his words, but he was willing to give me both.
I wasn’t strong enough to turn him down.
It felt like I was on borrowed time with Dawson, so I was going to take every morsel of his attention that I could get.
“Of course I do,” I rushed to accept. “Let’s go sit outside though. I could use some air.”
I snuck his ring onto my finger as I led him out past the pool and to the fire pit close to the tree line. He dropped gracefully into one of the Adirondacks situated around it as I took the one beside him, taking a fortifying breath as I waited for him to speak.
After a couple of minutes of silence, I chanced a look over at him and the agonized expression on his gorgeous face triggered painful spasms in my chest.
“I’ve thought about this a lot the last couple days. I hoped we could hash things out and try to find a way past everything…but I’ve just been so goddamn angry with you.” Dawson’s voice was tight and strained, his knuckles flexing on the armrest next to me.
“Dawson…”
“Why was he here?”
“What?”
He shot me a cold glare and his jaw twitched. “Corvin. His car has been in your driveway since Wednesday morning.”
I squirmed in my seat. “He just came by to talk and apologize after the…incident at the party. But I was kind of having a rough comedown, so he texted a friend of his to come over and hook me up with some stuff.”
Dawson cursed under his breath and ran his fingers through his thick hair. “So you decided to get high and party again not even twelve hours later? Jesus, did you hook up with him again too?”
Anger suffused my veins at his question, hitting too close to my anxiety from earlier. “No, I fucking didn’t. And you have no right to ask me about who I choose to fuck or not.”
The words hit their intended target as I watched Dawson wince and visibly deflate. He turned his head away from me, but I saw his Adam’s apple bob repeatedly as though struggling to swallow. I immediately regretted my comment, but I was too on edge to take it back.
“Fair enough,” he said roughly. “Contrary to what you might think, I didn’t come over to make you feel like shit. I just wanted to get some answers and see if we could put all this crap behind us.”
That tiny spark of hope flared a bit brighter, but dimmed just as quickly since there was no way I could tell him everything. I knew Dawson better than I knew myself. He wouldn’t be satisfied with a half-truth, yet that was all I could give him.
“I’m so sorr—”
“Stop,” he demanded sharply. “I don’t want to hear any lame excuses or half-assed apologies. What I want is a reason why.”
“Why what?” I rasped out.
“Fuck, Theo. Where do I even begin?” he snapped. “Why did you screw Corvin in my room? Why did you act like a crude jackass in front of my friends? Why did you not tell me you were moving back? Why did you ignore me for fucking three and a half years? Why did you…leave me?”
The last question left him in a low, broken whisper, and it ripped through my insides. How could I give him the answers when they were all intertwined, stemming from the one problem I couldn’t burden him with?
“Damn it, say something!”
“I don’t fucking know!” I jumped up, pacing agitatedly. “I don’t know why I’m like this! I don’t get why the fuck my brain is wired wrong or why I do the stupidest shit.”
At least that part was the truth. I still don’t know what I’d done wrong in my life to deserve this curse.
“That’s all you have to say to me? You don’t know?”
“You don’t understand,” I ground out, clutching at my hair. “I can’t tell you…”
“Why not?” Dawson asked desperately as he stood to face me. “We never used to keep secrets from each other. Never. That’s not like you. But then neither is abandoning me without an explanation or goodbye, so why am I surprised?”
“I didn’t do it to hurt you, Dawson.”
“I’d believe that if it didn’t seem like every time we’ve run into each other since May, you’ve been determined to hurt me however you can.”
“Like what you did last night didn’t hurt me?” I bit back. “You treated me like I was a stranger. Like we haven’t known each other almost our entire damn lives.”
“It’s no different than how you’ve treated me! You ghosted me for years and have done nothing but give me whiplash since the second I saw you again.”
“Because I thought it would be easier for both of us to stay away!”
“And then you got blown by one of my fucking teammates in my bedroom of all places, and you were so high that you didn’t even care.”
“That’s not true! I did fucking care! I never meant—”
“I didn’t do anything to deserve that, Theo! I loved you!” His voice cracked and it was all I could do to remain standing. I forced myself to ignore the past tense of those three words. If I focused on that, I’d shatter.
We stared each other down, grief and heartbreak volleyed between us like cannon fire.
His eyes shimmered with tears and I wanted to tear my heart out and offer it to him, anything to make up for the pain I’d caused.
I didn’t want to keep doing this with him.
I fucking despised hurting him and I knew that was all I’d done since coming home.
“I’m so sorry, Mercury,” I apologized thickly. “You’re right. You don’t deserve any of this. I’ll explain as much as I can, but please understand there’s some things I’m not ready to talk about.”
He seemed ready to argue with me, but eventually conceded with a small nod and sat back down. I blew out a heavy breath and sat on the edge of the fire pit in front of him. I kept my eyes trained on his shoes so I wouldn’t have to see the effects of my confession.
“How much do you know about why I moved away?”
“Not much,” he murmured. “I went to your house when you didn’t show up for Homecoming. Your dad only told me you were going to live with your mom and that I should…let you g-go.”
The hitch in his voice pierced right through me. Images of a confused, distraught Dawson waiting for me at Neverland permeated my thoughts and pain pulsed through my ribcage. I wanted to reach for him and comfort him however I could.
“I’m sor—”
“Just get on with it,” he pleaded quietly.