Chapter 13 #2
I sang to him as a plea to let me in, to not let this be the end of everything. I couldn’t think of any song more fitting for this place, our Neverland. Somewhere only we knew.
The last chord faded into the rustling of trees and birds warbling.
I walked around to the front of the barn and set my guitar down gently behind me.
I couldn’t see Theo lying down on the loft above, but I could hear the slight crinkle of hay from his movement.
I fidgeted with the pick, twirling it in my fingers as I waited on bated breath for his response, any response.
“You know, I haven’t been able to listen to that song since the last time you played it for me.”
Warmth spread through me at the sound of his familiar rasp. It was ridiculous how desperately happy I was to hear his voice now that I’d let the veil of anger fall away. But his admission cramped my insides.
Theo rolled to the edge of the loft, propping up on one elbow to stare down at me. The dark circles under his eyes and stringy, unwashed hair worried me, but they did nothing to detract from how truly beautiful he was.
“It hurt too much to listen to,” he said flatly. “Still does.”
“Oh…I’m sorry. It was meant to make you…happy, I guess,” I finished lamely.
“Hmm.”
“Yeah…”
“Okay.”
Jesus. What an epic start to the U.S. leg of your Apology Tour, Hayes. You’re getting booed off stage.
“Do you mind coming down here? I…there’s things I want to say to you.”
Of course, the song was supposed to speak for me, but apparently it was as effective as speaking Farsi. Perfect.
Theo cocked his head slightly, appraising me with bleak, lifeless eyes, rimmed in red. Unease rippled through me the longer he stared at me with that hollow expression, but eventually he rolled onto his feet and climbed down the ladder.
He sauntered over to me, his movements heavy and slow.
His clothes were wrinkled and even from where I stood I could tell he didn’t smell the best. Guilt curdled in my gut knowing I was the cause.
The last time we spoke, I had gone with the intention to smooth things over and instead made everything worse.
“Why are you here?” His voice was uncharacteristically quiet and monotone.
“I, um…so the thing is…”
Good Lord, why was this so hard? I had found the words to tear him down easily enough, so why couldn’t I find the ones to fix this? Theo only continued to stare, not even a flicker of emotion crossing his face. I blew out a flustered breath and tried again.
“I thought about it and uh…would you—I mean, is it possible for us to be…friends? Like actual friends who talk and hang out and stuff. Not “stuff” like dirty stuff, but just…you know what I mean.”
Wow. This. This is why I can’t be trusted to talk.
Theo didn’t react to my bumbling ineptitude. In fact, he didn’t react at all. The only indication that he’d heard anything was the tiniest furrow in his brow. Heat flooded my face at the uncomfortable silence that settled over us.
I could feel him slipping away from me with each second. I could see the fractional slump in his shoulders, the slightest droop in his mouth, his chest deflating with a long, slow breath. Panic surged and I scrambled for how to fix it before he walked away from me.
Again.
“Wait, I know you may not trust me because of what I said about not being ready for that, but I want to try. I really do! The truth is that I wanted to keep punishing you for how things ended with us, but I understand that it wasn’t entirely your fault and the parts that were were only done because you were scared and hurting too.
I get it now. I didn’t want to before, but I do now!
I know you were scared and all I did was blame you and hate you for it.
And I know we can’t get back what we had, but I hate this, Theo.
I really fucking hate this. I miss you and I hate hating you! ”
My confession ended in a breathless tumble, desperation pouring from every syllable. I was flayed open, things coming out I hadn’t quite intended but I couldn’t hold them in. I only hoped it was enough.
Theo’s eyes flared the slightest bit and he swallowed hard.
My breathing was labored, my breaths coming in quick pants in time with my racing heart.
I fought the instinct to go to him as much as I did the urge to run away.
Time felt stretched out like taffy, slowed down as if to drag the moment out.
Finally, when I was sure I’d pass out from lack of proper oxygen, Theo took a step closer. And another one. And another until he was standing so close to me I could see the striations of silver in his clear blue eyes. Eyes that were coated in misery, but sparked with the tiniest flicker of hope.
“Mercury?”
I broke. My lips crashed into his, inhaling him like a sweet drug.
His lips were dry and chapped, but somehow so perfect moving against my own.
I licked the seam of his lips and when his tongue lashed mine, I moaned into his mouth.
I felt his hand settle tentatively on my waist and I slipped my arm around him, pulling him closer.
It felt right in a way I’d long forgotten existed.
“Theo,” I grated, my voice raw. A low whimper escaped him and he reclaimed my mouth, kissing me with an intensity that radiated down to my marrow.
I walked him backwards until his back met the ladder, pressing against every inch of his tight body.
Hands raked through my hair, tugging and scraping my scalp in a delicious pain that tore a groan from my throat.
This wasn’t what I intended to happen. There was too much damage between us, too much that had to heal for us to even consider this, but in that moment I couldn’t have cared less. I needed him, needed his taste and his heat. His moans and his gasps.
“Fuck, Dawson,” he breathed against my lips. “Please don’t leave me.”
My chest squeezed painfully at his whispered plea. It hurt to hear the fear in his voice, but it also cleared away the lust long enough to get my bearings. I pulled back just enough to look him in the eye. He tensed as I put a little more space between us, but I cupped his cheek to calm him.
“I’m not going anywhere this time, I promise. But we need to take a beat before we get too carried away. Okay?”
Theo sighed in relief, but I noticed the wariness in his gaze.
I understood he didn’t fully trust my sincerity in starting over, but I was committed to this.
It wasn’t like all the pain had disappeared and I was over everything.
I had a lot of open wounds still where Theo was concerned, but I was done letting rage and bitterness consume me.
I wanted us to have a second chance at being in each other’s lives, whatever that looked like.
And I couldn’t jeopardize that by mauling him and diving into the desire that had always stirred between us. We needed to take this slower. Much slower.
I took his hand and led him over to my chair under the loft, gesturing for him to sit down as I pulled a stool over for myself. I shot him a bashful look, rubbing my hands together nervously.
“I’m sorry for jumping you like that. I got caught up in the moment,” I explained. I tried my best to ignore the wince he failed to hide. “I meant everything I said though. I want us to be friends again. More than anything, I miss my best friend. I’m hoping for a chance for us to get that back.”
He absorbed what I said, gnawing on his bottom lip and hunched over, deep in thought. My knee bounced relentlessly while I waited for his answer.
“Friends, huh?”
I couldn’t quite place his tone. I wasn’t sure whether he was disappointed or relieved. His gaze slid up to mine, piercing through me. So many memories passed through my head and I wondered if he was remembering them too.
Days enjoying video games and inside jokes. Nights spent kissing and fucking under the stars. A future of happiness plotted out in eager anticipation. Everything we once meant to each other being boiled back down to innocent friendship seemed wrong, but necessary.
We were different men now. We couldn’t go backwards.
“Yeah…friends.”
“Who’s giving whiplash now?” he teased lightly.
I dropped my chin to my chest, feeling like a huge hypocrite. I tried to regret kissing him, but I couldn’t. It had been a hit of pure oxygen to my veins. When I looked back up and saw his lips kick up slightly and his face soften, I smiled gratefully in return.
“So what does this mean for you and that girl?”
I grimaced in confusion. “Who, Aly? Why would it mean anything for us?”
He looked at me with a bewildered expression. “You don’t think your girlfriend will care that we’re friends again and we just…made out?”
I choked on my spit. “She’s not—I don’t have a girlfriend. We’re just friends, I swear!”
“Like I’m just your friend?” Theo smirked sadly. I ran my hand down my face, frustrated with myself and my stupidity.
“Not at all,” I said firmly. “Aly’s just a very good friend. She and I haven’t even kissed before. I’m not seeing anyone right now.”
“But…at the party, you said—”
“Something fucked up because I was pissed and hurt,” I interjected.
There was no mistaking the relief on his features, but there was also regret too. The last thing I wanted to do was bring up anything from that shitty night, but there was something we needed to discuss before we left it behind for good.
“What about you and Corvin?” I questioned, acid bubbling in my stomach thinking about them together.
Theo broke our eye contact and I swallowed down the bile that threatened to come up.
Whatever his answer was, I wasn’t going anywhere.
I would need to eventually accept Theo dating other people just like he’d need to do the same for me.
Not that I had the desire to right now, but I also couldn’t be alone forever.
“He asked me out and I turned him down,” Theo replied, still avoiding my eyes. “But I gave him my number and said we could grab coffee sometime.”