Chapter 14
Dawson
Ilet out another frustrated growl as my phone vibrated for the twentieth time in the last minute, but I couldn’t freaking find it. I was tossing pillows off the couch and shaking out blankets, trying to follow the incessant buzzing like a homing beacon.
“Hey buttface. Catch!”
I turned a second too late and my phone slammed right into my sternum. “What the hell, Dani?” I groused, rubbing at the area.
“Wow. You’ll definitely be a first round pick with skills like that.”
I flipped her off, but her sarcastic remark made me cringe internally. I’d been home for almost two weeks now and I had managed to chicken out of every single opportunity to tell Dad the truth. I must have done a piss poor job of keeping a straight face because Dani pounced.
“Wait, what was that look for? What’s up with you? Holy crap, are you injured or something? Dad’s gonna flip out if you’re hurt before the season even starts!”
Her rapid fire comments were like needles poking at the flimsy bubble of silence I’d put around myself to keep it all in.
Poke. Poke. Poke.
“Have you talked to your coach yet? Oh snap, what if he benches you and you miss the first game? I mean, it’ll definitely help my Baylor boys out if you aren’t on the field, but I don’t—”
POP.
“Oh my god, I am not injured,” I spit out. “I’m quitting!”
Dani’s jaw dropped so fast I half-worried that it would snap clean off. I sank back into the cushions of the sofa, releasing a huge sigh of relief. I hadn’t said that out loud to anyone yet and it felt damn good. Dani gingerly sat down next to me, tense and quiet before patting my leg awkwardly.
“That makes a lot of sense actually.”
“How do you figure?”
Dani cocked her head at me like the answer was obvious.
“I mean, even with being King Quarterback all these years, you never really talked about football like it was your future. Like, I never saw you light up talking about it or get all wrapped up in it. Not like you do music. Your piano and your guitar are your escapes, not the sport.”
I chewed on my bottom lip, thinking about her assessment.
When I thought about what I wanted in my life, music was indispensable where football wasn’t.
If God forbid an injury did take me out this year, I’d be bummed but not devastated.
Thinking of keeping up with football after college wasn’t exhilarating, it was exhausting.
“You’re not quitting this year, are you?” Dani asked nervously. “You know Dad would riot if that happened.”
“No, I want to play my final season, but I’m withdrawing my eligibility for the NFL draft.”
“Yikes…when do you plan to tell him?”
“Oh, about four months ago.”
“Ahh, so right on track then.”
“Exactly.”
“What are you planning on telling Dad?”
“Just that football isn’t what I want long term,” I shrugged. “I don’t care about playing professionally. I really want to get involved in the music scene in Austin. I don’t know exactly what yet, but Mom’s got all these contacts to get me started and I’d be willing to work my way up.”
My love and talent for music had all come from my mother.
She played dozens of instruments and had been a pianist for the Chicago Philharmonic when she met Dad.
Of course, she gave it up to move to Dallas when he’d been traded to the Cowboys.
She was now a professor of music at UT, but also heavily involved in the indie music industry in Austin and I wanted to follow in those footsteps.
“You sure you’re good with giving up that pro-football money?” she teased.
“It’s not about the money. Even if I didn’t have my trust fund, I wouldn’t change my mind. I’d rather be happy and living paycheck to paycheck than do something that I’ll end up hating and stressing over.”
“I’ll remember you said that when you’re eating your hundredth cup of ramen and drinking instant coffee.”
I rolled my eyes and planted a hand on her face, shoving her away gently. She laughed and nudged me with her shoulder before pinning me with a serious look.
“You know Dad might be mad at first, but he wants you to be happy. As long as you don’t plan to just play on a street corner with a hurdy-gurdy, he’ll support whatever you decide to do. And so will I.”
“Thanks, gremlin,” I smiled. “But I guess now that you’ve shit on my first plan, I’ve got to move to plan B.”
“Eh, hurdy-gurdying is a dying art anyway. You’ll thank me later,” she replied. “But for real, if you need help telling Dad, let me know. I’ve got your back, big brother.”
I gave her a grateful smile and she hugged me before leaving the room. Would Dad actually be okay with me giving up a shot at the NFL for a different dream? I still didn’t have a full plan for what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had time. Sort of.
My phone buzzed once more and I remembered I hadn’t checked it yet. I had about a dozen missed texts on our crew’s group chat, the latest ones directed at me.
KENJI
Anyone up for hitting the lake tomorrow on a party boat?
MICAH
Isn’t that expensive?
KENJI
All taken care of courtesy of my uncle. We’ve got it 10-2, but it’s BYOB
GRIFFIN
Fucking sold. I’m in.
MICAH
Count me and Bash in too. Thanks Kenji!
ALY
Why not? I could use a tan.
FIN
Ugh, I hate you. My skin never tans…but sure, sounds fun!
GRIFFIN
Are you sure you can risk it, Snow White?
FIN
Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the biggest dick of all?
GRIFFIN
I definitely have the biggest dick of all. But you don’t need a magic mirror to confirm that, cutie ;)
FIN
I would slap you, but I’m against animal abuse.
RHYS
I joined this conversation at the way wrong time…
CAL
Come on, Sweetness. You and I know better than anyone fighting is the best foreplay. Looks like you’re gonna lose our bet.
GRIFFIN
Woah, what bet??
FIN
EW. I’d rather deep throat a cactus, thank you. Also hi, yeah, I’m taken, remember?
GRIFFIN
Riiiight. How could we possibly forget about Dan, the human participation award…
FIN
NATE
Dude, this is better than my Hulu subscription. I’ll be there! Dawson, you coming?
NATE
D-man, you there??
NATE
Don’t make me spam your phone, bro!
I snickered at the ridiculous text thread.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gone out to Lake Travis.
I had free range to use Dad’s boat if I wanted to, but the last time I’d taken it out had been…
well, my last summer with Theo. I couldn’t bear to look at it after that.
An idea sparked and I texted back before I could overthink it.
ME
Kenji—is it cool if I bring someone?
KENJI
No prob
I wasn’t sure if I should invite Theo or not, but I wanted him there. It was the perfect activity for friends to do. And that’s what we were. Friends.
What a stupid fucking word.
My thoughts were interrupted by an incoming call and I swiped to answer.
“What’s up?”
“Duuuude, you excited for the lake?” Nate squawked, his infectious energy pouring through the line.
“Sure. It’ll be great.”
Nate made an obnoxious buzzer sound that crackled loudly in my ear.
“I’m sorry, but that level of excitement isn’t going to cut it, mi amigo.
I need you pumped! This is the last summer before we graduate college and become boring-ass adults.
These are the days you’ll tell your kids about.
How you used to be fun and hot and did crazy shit just because you could!
Well…not you, you don’t do crazy anything, but you know what I mean. ”
I blew out an amused breath as he rambled on about his hopes for a water slide and hot girls on the boat tomorrow, exclusively in that order.
“So…” Nate started, dragging out the word like it had fifteen letters. “You asked Kenji if you could bring someone. Anyone I know?”
My annoyance piqued at his smug tone. “Shut up. You know I meant Theo.”
“Hah! Knew it, love it, here for it. I call best man at your wedding! Is that a thing? Can you call shot gun on a best man spot?”
“Oh my god, I’m inviting him to the lake. Not proposing,” I muttered, but Nate barreled on.
“You know, I actually thought you might be ace—that’s the right term, right?—because you weren’t into hooking up or anything. And I would know because your wall is next to mine and you are not quiet when you’re ‘strumming your guitar’, if you know what I mean...”
I pinched my brows, trying to ward off the headache that threatened. I was not prepared for this conversation, but what else was new?
“I mean when you jerk off—”
“Yeah, I got that,” I cut him off. “And no, I’m not asexual. I like sex and stuff, it’s just only been with Theo. He’s the only one I’ve ever wanted like that.”
“Huh…so have you tried to want it with someone else? Like put yourself out there and see who wants to take a ride on the D-train?”
“Jesus Christ,” I muttered, silently praying for strength. “Look, I don’t know how to explain it, man. It’s like…okay, I got it. I hate Pecan pie.”
“…is that supposed to be code for something?”
“Just shut up and listen. I hate all Pecan pie unless it’s my mom’s homemade pie. It’s the only one I love and will eat, and no other Pecan pie has ever tasted good to me.”
“Wait, say that again.”
“Which part?”
“The pie part.”
“It’s the only pie I love?”
Nate let out an exasperated sigh. “No, say the name of it.”
“Pecan pie?” I repeated slowly.
“That! Dude, why did you say it that way?”
“What way? The right way?”
“No, the dumb as fuck way.”
“What do you mean ‘the dumb as fuck’ way? That’s how you pronounce Pecan pie.”
“Hell no, it’s Pee-can pie!” Nate protested indignantly.
“Why would you say it like that?” And why the fuck am I entertaining this crazy-ass conversation?
“It’s the right way, numb nuts!”
“No one in Texas says it like that! You are literally the only one who I’ve heard say it that way.”
“I call bullshit. I can’t be the only one who says it right…and the right fucking way is Pee-can pie!”
“Oh for the love of God, Theo is just it for me, alright? No one else. Just him. He’s the only one I have ever wanted.”
“Okayyy…so you’ve never been interested in another pie—I mean, guy?”
“I haven’t really been interested in any person besides him. I find other people objectively attractive, but not enough to want anything with them. Others hold no interest for me, sexually or otherwise.”
I sighed tiredly, the weight of a confession I didn’t want to admit sitting heavy on my tongue.
“And almost four years later, after all he’s put me through, I’ve still never felt for any person what I feel for Theo. He was my first and he’s been my only. I’m beginning to think he’ll always be my only.”
“Damn. He’s your pie,” Nate said softly, like it was the most romantic shit he’s ever heard.
“Stupidest fucking analogy I could’ve thought of…”
Nate chuckled before falling quiet, his tone growing serious. “All I want is for you to be happy, D. You’re the best fucking friend in the world and you deserve it. So invite Theo and get your man back.”
I couldn’t go into why that was impossible where Theo and I were concerned, not right then.
“Thanks, Nate. You’re the best fucking friend too.”
“Aw, don’t make me blush, Dawby-Bear,” he joked, laughing as I growled at the sickening nickname. “Alright, I’m out. I’ve got people to do and things to see.”
“Pretty sure you have that backwards.”
“I said what I said. See you tomorrow!”
He hung up and I breathed a laugh at the chaos of the last few minutes.
I tried to start a message to Theo, but my fingers just hovered over the screen.
It was stupid, but I felt nervous about texting him.
It’d been a couple of days since we’d struck up our truce at the barn and I still hadn’t gotten up the nerve to talk to him again.
Fuck, I was being a pansy about this. I wanted to be his friend again and friends texted each other. Nothing weird about it.
Yet I typed, deleted and retyped more than a dozen times before finally shooting off something simple.
ME
Hey, how are you?
I cringed at the lame attempt, but whatever. It was out there. My phone buzzed in response thirty seconds later.
THEO
Okay, I guess
Be honest. How long did you overthink that text before you sent it?
Damn it, he knew me too well.
ME
Don’t know what you’re talking about
THEO
That long, huh?
ME
Shut up…
Do you have any plans tomorrow?
THEO
Nothing right now, but you know I charge for appearances. What did you have in mind?
ME
My friends and I are taking a boat out on the lake for a few hours. Interested?
Text bubbles kept popping up and disappearing, but no response came.
I wondered if he was nervous about seeing my friends again after we’d made epic asses of ourselves at my party.
I didn’t really blame him. I was even a bit anxious to reintroduce Theo to them, but I didn’t want to hide him away.
I wanted him to know my friends and be included in my life.
THEO
Are you sure they’re cool with me coming?
ME
For sure. It won’t be a big deal, trust me
THEO
What about my appearance fee?
ME
You aren’t generous enough to just grace me with your presence?
THEO
My dad taught me that if I’m good at something, never do it for free.
ME
Jesus, I’ll throw in a case of Corona. Deal?
THEO
…agreed. But you better have lime wedges for those or the deal’s off
ME
So demanding
Meet me at my truck at 9am
THEO
Can’t even pick me up properly like a real gentleman. I thought your mama taught you better than that
ME
Nvm, the invitation is rescinded
THEO
That was deeply uncalled for…
See you at 9, Mercury
I sent a thumbs up in response with a stupid grin on my face. It was weird slipping back into our normal banter, but it also felt good. Natural. It made me wonder if there was more of my old Theo buried in there than he let on.
All I had to do was focus on treating him like any other friend and not kissing him within an inch of his life like I’d been dying to do since the barn. My resolve would definitely be tested, especially when Theo was all wet and shirtless and sun-kissed and…
Shit…I might have made a mistake.