Chapter 28
Theo
The ferris wheel loomed ahead and suddenly, I was thinking this wasn’t my most brilliant idea. My dumb ass just had to let Dawson pick the date tonight. It wasn’t going to be a very sexy look when I got to the top and puked from the height.
The things I did for this guy.
“Come on, it won’t be that bad. You’ve ridden roller coasters with me before. How is this worse than those?”
“Because on those, I’m strapped in a harness and going two hundred miles an hour. The fear doesn’t have time to sink in. Up there”—I gestured to the giant death wheel—“I’m wide open and exposed…the fear doesn’t just sink in. It fucking marinates.”
The tiny snort he tried to hide was so damn adorable that I couldn’t even be annoyed with him. It was still kind of crazy to me to think that I stumbled across my soulmate at nine years old. In the woods of all damn places.
“Look, I won’t make you if you really don’t want to go. But I would love to do it together,” he said, leaning close but not close enough to raise eyebrows. We always had to be careful outside of Neverland. A stupid side effect of the closet we kept ourselves in.
But Dawson was intensely private and worried for us, so I’d do anything to make him feel comfortable.
Once we went to college together, we’d be free to be ourselves.
We could hold hands and kiss in public. We could smile at each other without tempering it so others couldn’t see the love behind it. I could be patient...ish.
“Alright, I’ll go,” I grouched. The smile that swept Dawson’s face set off butterflies in my stomach.
I still remember the day that first happened at his twelfth birthday party.
He was opening presents and when he got to mine, he turned and gave me the brightest, most perfect smile. One he only gave to me.
And I was never the same. He had me.
I handed over our tickets to the operator who looked half-asleep, trying not to let my mind go all Final Destination on me.
I stopped cold when I saw the red, metal bucket that was supposed to hold us.
It had high grated sides and a metal bar to cross our laps, but other than that it was completely open.
“We’re gonna die.”
Dawson released an exasperated breath and pushed me onto the seat, sliding in after me and latching the safety bar in place.
The second we lurched backwards, my lids slammed shut and my hand clamped down on the bar.
My breathing was loud and unsteady, sharp pinpricks stabbing at my lungs as I worked for air.
“Baby, it’s okay! You’re safe, I promise.
Just listen to my voice,” Dawson soothed.
“I brought you to the carnival because I’ve been worried about you lately.
You’ve been really moody and temperamental, which isn’t like you.
Plus you haven’t been sleeping much, so I’m sure that makes it worse.
I know I’ve been crazy busy with football, but I thought doing something fun, just the two of us, would help you feel more like yourself. Maybe make you feel a little better.”
I didn’t even realize that I’d opened my eyes to look at him until we slowed to a stop at the peak of the wheel. I glanced out cautiously and my breathing quickened again, but Dawson’s warm hand prying mine off the bar pulled my attention. He was holding my hand…in public.
Dawson’s smile was small and unsure, but when I squeezed tightly, he let out a relieved sigh and his lips curved up higher.
“I also wanted to ask…” he paused, rolling his lips in, “if you would want to come out with me.”
“I’m already out with you,” I teased breathlessly, still fighting off that slight panic.
“No. I mean, out out. Like I want to be honest about our relationship. Homecoming is in a couple of weeks and I want to take you as my date, not my best friend. I don’t want to keep us a secret anymore.”
My heart beat wildly behind my ribs with enough force to crack them.
“Mercury…are you sure? You really want to stop hiding?”
“I do,” he said firmly. “I’m tired of pretending. I just want to be with you and be happy without worrying what anyone else thinks. I want to win that Homecoming game for you and then walk into that dance with you on my arm.”
Damn it, I wanted to kiss him so fucking bad. But I knew we weren’t quite ready for that level of PDA yet. Baby steps.
“I say yes,” I said excitedly. “Let’s do it.
I cannot fucking wait to show them all that you’re mine.
That I’m the luckiest asshole in the whole universe to get to love you.
But let’s meet at Neverland first and then after the dance, I want to take you back there, lay you down, and make love to you all night long. ”
Dawson huffed and flushed with embarrassment like he usually did when I got mushy as fuck, but there was no hiding the joy in his eyes. We’d looped the ferris wheel while we talked and I was surprised when we came to a halt back at the top.
“It feels like we’re on top of the world,” he murmured.
“I always feel that way when I’m with you,” I confessed softly. This time around, I thought the view was a lot more beautiful than before.
When Dawson said he wanted to take me on a date, I should have seen this coming.
That night at the carnival was a turning point for us, when we’d decided to be brave together and stop hiding.
It was one of the happiest moments we’d shared as a couple.
I only wish I’d known that would be the last date we’d have before it all disappeared.
The fairgrounds were buzzing with people, a cacophony of lights and sounds that were as exhilarating as they were overstimulating.
Dawson bought our tickets and then took my hand, weaving us through the crowd like a man on a mission.
I stumbled a bit as something dawned on me and Dawson glanced at me over his shoulder, frowning.
“You alright?”
“It just hit me that the last time we were here, we couldn’t hold hands like this.”
His face lit with understanding and he yanked me to him. My eyes widened when he slipped an arm around my waist, pulling me close.
“We can do a bit more than that,” he purred before taking my lips in a soft, lingering kiss that I felt in my bones. When he released me, I felt dizzy and warm all over.
“Why Dawson Hayes, are you trying to seduce me?”
“Depends. Is it working?”
“I could show you just how much, but then I’d get arrested for public indecency,” I muttered, subtly adjusting myself. Dawson’s heated gaze flickered down to the slight bulge in my jeans, sending another rush of blood south.
“Maybe we’ll save that for our next date. Come on, I know the first stop I want to make.”
He led me towards the snack stands, and the smell of funnel cakes and turkey legs made my stomach grumble loudly. Dawson made me wait while he went through the line and when he came back, I barked out a laugh.
“I thought you said cotton candy was carcinogenic insulation on a stick?”
“Eh, YOLO,” he shrugged, handing me one of the blue and pink swirled confections. “I figured I oughta see what the big deal is with this stuff since you’re obsessed with it.”
“That’s a gross exaggeration,” I scoffed. I grabbed a mouthful of the cotton candy and the second it melted on my tongue, I let out a moan that was downright indecent. Dawson glared at me, unamused.
“Would you two like to be alone?” He rolled his eyes and tentatively bit into his treat. His face contorted as if he’d tasted battery acid. “Nope. That was a mistake. Failed experiment.”
“Amateur.”
I swiped his candy and devoured it as we worked our way around the carnival games.
Dawson wasn’t nearly as hand-eye coordinated as I suspected he’d be, and I immensely enjoyed his growing pout each time I beat him.
For the health of our relationship, I decided the rides were a safer alternative.
And I couldn’t complain when Dawson’s hand never left mine during every twister, flipper, sizzler, or whatever ride we were on.
After the tenth ride, our bruises had bruises and we were aching in places no twenty-one-year-olds should be.
“Christ on a cracker, I don’t remember those being so…violent when we were younger,” I groaned, rubbing at my sore arm as we disembarked the bumper cars.
“If my coach knew I was this beat up by some fold-up carnival rides, he’d double my conditioning sessions every week. On the bright side, the ferris wheel shouldn’t seem so bad anymore in comparison.”
“I beg to differ. I’d argue the emotional trauma of that wheel far outweighs any physical damage I have now.”
“Don’t be such a baby, baby,” he snickered, earning himself my middle finger.
I followed him towards the lit up ferris wheel that I noticed with a sinking feeling was bigger than the one we’d ridden years ago.
“Oh my god, you look like you’re walking the Green Mile,” Dawson laughed. He looped a hand behind my neck, bringing my lips to his for a quick kiss. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”
“I didn’t back out last time and I won’t today,” I gulped, staring up at the monstrosity. “You jump, I jump, Jack.”
“That would definitely put a damper on the evening.”
I laughed sarcastically as he pulled me onto the ride behind him. Thank fuck it had enclosed gondolas this time instead of the death-buckets. My hand remained cradled between Dawson’s as the wheel started circling around.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you something…” he began warily.
“Talk about déjà vu…”
“Zip it,” he demanded affectionately. “I wanted to ask how you’d feel about starting therapy.”
I tensed at the suggestion, not expecting it. “You think I should see a therapist?”
“Actually…I thought we should both see one. Separately, of course, but maybe sometimes together?”
“Why would you want to do that?”
“Because you’re not the only one who has to put in the work with us.
You know I’ve forgiven you, but there are still things I wrestle with from time to time.
None of that is on you, it’s all my own shit, but I refuse to let it become an issue for us.
” He put a finger to my mouth when I went to speak, cutting me off gently.
“I also want to learn more about your illness and how I can be the best partner for you. I won’t go into this uninformed and blind, letting you figure it all out on your own. I’m in this, whatever it takes.”
My nose stung and I blinked rapidly to clear the stifling emotion that built up. There was no way I was deserving of this man. I wished more than anything that I was normal for him…that I could give him a happy, easy life rather than this never-ending battle.
“Dawson, I—” I cleared my throat, finding it hard to push the words out.
“That means more to me than you fucking know, but you shouldn’t have to change your life for me.
If I wasn’t so selfish and didn’t love you so goddamn much, I’d let you go find someone better.
Someone who doesn’t come with so much baggage. ”
Dawson’s face turned stormy and he gripped my chin to hold me in place.
“Don’t you ever say that again,” he growled, each word clipped and firm.
“You have already changed my life for the better, in ways I could only dream of. I wouldn’t trade you or change you for any fucking thing on this planet because then you wouldn’t be my Theo.
I love you just as you are. There is nothing I won’t face for you.
If you start to sink, I’ll pull you back up.
I’ll save you, just like that day on the lake. I promise I won’t let you drown.”
“You can’t save me, Mercury,” I whispered, grated and broken. His eyes burned and pierced straight through all my armor to reach me in the void.
“Watch me.”
Then right there, on top of the world, he kissed me. It was a promise and a challenge, a vow that he embedded into my soul. He was my lighthouse and my lifeboat, my guide and my rescue for when the storm inside became too strong.