Chapter 39
Theo
The smell was what I noticed first. That odious, antiseptic hospital smell that never failed to infuse your clothes and skin like a noxious gas. After waking up in a room like this following my overdose, it was an experience I’d never wanted to repeat and I refused to open my eyes.
I sifted through the shards of memory that stuck out, trying to remember how I’d ended up here this time. It was a big, fuzzy picture that slowly became clearer, pixel by pixel, until it all crashed into me in a tidal wave of images.
The family dinner I’d ruined. The guilt and self-loathing. The drinking that had gone too far. The roof I’d haplessly climbed onto. The pool of stars. The worst decision born of a dark moment of hopelessness. And Dawson saving me…like he’d always saved me.
My Dawson…
“I’m right here, baby. You’re okay,” a smooth voice purred. It ran across my skin like silk, lighting up my nerve endings. I slowly peeled my gritty lids open to see Dawson slumped on the chair beside my hospital bed, my hand tucked between both of his.
His sandy brown hair was shaggy and unclean, overgrown stubble covered his jaw, and dark circles underlined his red-rimmed, swollen eyes. He was a wreck and the most goddamn beautiful sight in the world.
Fuck, I love him so much…
“I love you too. More than you know.”
I narrowed my eyes at him as my sluggish brain started to catch up.
“Were my inside thoughts actually outside thoughts?” I croaked out, wincing at the pain in my raw throat. Dawson chuckled roughly as he grabbed the water cup on the table and brought it to my lips. Instant relief hit me as I greedily sucked down the cool liquid.
“Yeah, you’ve been talking in your sleep for most of the day.”
“Well, shit…scale of one to ten, how embarrassed should I be?”
“A solid nine, for sure.”
“Eh, could be worse.”
The smile that tugged at his full lips distracted me and I ached to kiss him. But then the reality of where I was and what I’d done settled over me, and I realized I didn’t deserve to kiss him. I wasn’t even sure if he was still mine to kiss.
“What happened?” I whispered gruffly as shame filled me.
Dawson’s chin dropped and he fidgeted with his hands. “How much do you remember?”
“Mostly everything, but the details are iffy. The last thing I remember was…you singing our song to me.”
His features twisted with a crippling sadness that cut me to my core and I reached for him reflexively, but I hissed at the sharp pull in my left hand.
“Be careful of the IV,” Dawson warned softly, covering my other hand with his. “They’ve been giving you fluids since you came in. I was able to help you climb back through the window, but you made it maybe halfway down the hall before you passed out, so Dani called 911.”
“Well, that explains the hospital bed,” I said dryly. “How long have I been out?”
“Close to eighteen hours now. Your dad went to get something to eat since he’s been here most of the day. He came straight from the airport after he got my message.”
Remorse coiled tightly in my chest at how fucking scared he must have been to get that call. The first time I’d landed in the hospital had devastated him and I vividly recalled how broken he’d looked and sounded when I had woken up. Christ, I’d really fucked up badly this time.
“Why did you do it? Why did you want to—”
Dawson’s voice cracked, but I knew what he was asking. Fuck, I wanted to beg his forgiveness until my vocal cords shredded. I fought to speak past the painful lump in my throat and clamped my lids shut to keep the tears at bay.
“I didn’t choose to die…at first. That’s not why I went up there. I was just angry and hurt and hating myself so goddamn much, so I started drinking. And once I started, I couldn’t stop.”
I pulled in a shuttered breath and Dawson rubbed my hand comfortingly, encouraging me to continue.
“The booze hit me really fast and that was when I decided to climb on the roof. I remember feeling weightless and free up there, like as long as I was up there, I didn’t have to face who I really was.
My problems didn’t matter. Then the idea came to me.
If I wanted to stay as free as I felt up there, then there was only one way.
It was like something clicked in my head and all I felt was peace the second I’d decided.
But then you found me and…I didn’t want to leave you. I was scared to let you go.”
A pained whimper slipped free of Dawson’s lips and he dropped his forehead to my hand, clutching it so hard that my fingertips went half numb.
“There was this voice that kept telling me to do it, that it would all just end and I’d never hurt again. Never hurt the ones I loved again. But then you were begging me to stay, to fight for us, and you started drowning out that damn voice until all I heard was you. Just you.”
I sifted my fingers through his tangled hair, coaxing him to meet my gaze, and my heart skipped when I saw how blue his eyes were in that moment, as vibrant and bright as a bloom of cornflower.
“You didn’t just save me, Mercury. You reminded me I was worth saving.”
Dawson surged forward and stole my lips in a hard kiss, electric pulses shooting down my limbs. He breathed life back into my body and for the first time since waking up, I was so damn grateful to feel so fucking…alive.
It ended far too soon when the door opened and my dad walked in, looking like he’d aged ten years since I last saw him. The breath left him in a rush when he saw me and he closed the distance in a few strides, crushing me in his embrace.
Hot tears hit my shoulder and he quaked against me as I hugged him back fiercely. He kissed my temple, muttering thanks to God or whoever was up there that I was okay. I was a blubbering mess of apologies and regret, clinging to him hard enough to leave bruises.
He leaned back and gave me a watery smile, cupping the side of my neck. “I am so glad to see you, kiddo. How are you feeling?”
“Better than I have a right to be.”
He opened his mouth to respond, but the door opened once again and four familiar faces shuffled into the small room.
“Oh thank God, you’re okay! I mean, you’re okay right? How do you feel? Your color is a little off, but that just might be this disastrous lighting. Ugh, fucking fluorescents,” Micah exclaimed in one, long breath.
“Breathe, baby boy. Try not to overwhelm him. Remember how disoriented you felt waking up in the hospital last year?” Bash told him, rubbing his back calmly.
“Oooh, you’re right. My bad, Theo. In my defense, I’ve had a lot of coffee today. I’m so wired, I can practically see sound and hear colors.”
“You might want to get that checked out, my dude,” Nate chimed in with wide eyes.
“But for real, are you doing alright, T? You had us really worried there for a while. Your boy was a total stress-mess waiting for you to wake up, but no worries, we took care of him for you. Made him eat and all that good stuff.”
A stab of guilt stuck me between the ribs and I reached for Dawson’s hand again. He raised mine to press a warm kiss on my palm, the small, intimate gesture making goosebumps sweep down my arm.
“I’m as okay as I can be, I guess. And I really appreciate you guys coming down here. You didn’t have to do that,” I thanked them sheepishly.
Aly elbowed her way past Nate and came over to give me a careful hug, which I returned as much as I could with the IV line attached to my hand.
“We wanted to be here for you and make sure you were both okay. Rhys and the others couldn’t make it, but they wanted me to tell you they’re thinking about you and Dawson, and as soon as they can, they’re throwing a party to celebrate you getting out of here!”
The genuine warmth in her words and smile made my chest clench. It struck me just how much this group of people actually cared about me and made an effort to include me. And the craziest part was I believed they’d show up for me regardless of Dawson.
“You read my mind, Alycat! A party is just what we need and you, my fine man, are gonna get the Nathaniel Christensen Recovery Special,” Nate beamed at me.
“Bruh, if you make him one of your drinks, he’s gonna be in recovery,” Bash deadpanned.
I winced at the joke and of course Dawson noticed. He leaned down to whisper in my ear. “They don’t know anything. I just told them you’d passed out and were brought here.”
Relief flooded me that they didn’t know all the details.
That old fear of them finding out the truth and then ditching me because of it curdled in my gut.
But I couldn’t hide it forever and it was honestly exhausting to try.
Dawson had assured me that they wouldn’t turn away from me, that they’d hold space for my issues and support me, just like he did. Maybe that was enough.
“Actually,” I began slowly, “I won’t be drinking much in the future, or probably at all.”
The four of them looked at me with a mix of curiosity and concern. I blew out a big breath before continuing, catching Dad’s encouraging nod to me across the room.
“See, the thing is…I have bipolar disorder. I’ve been kind of having a hard time of it this year—the last few years, actually—and that’s why I’m in here. I had a really bad episode last night and I, um…I’m finally able to admit I need some serious help to get better.”
Somehow, it set me more at ease that none of them tried to immediately brush it off and act like it was no big deal, watching as they processed the news carefully before their faces softened with understanding.
Aly affectionately squeezed one of my ankles over the thin hospital blanket, smiling softly. “I’m really glad you trusted us enough to tell us. I know that couldn’t have been easy.”
“Funny enough, I actually feel a lot better now that you guys know. I’ve spent so long trying to keep it under wraps and make sure no one found out, I didn’t realize how much it was draining me.”