Chapter 14 #2
I’m breathing hard and working on using my denial like a shield. I don’t open my eyes though, because as soon as I do, it’s over. Instead, I let the tongue tease me. It’s firm and unyielding. The most confident kiss I’ve ever had.
Fuck. He tastes as good as he smells.
I’m thankful the music drowns out my groan although I’m certain Jen hears it since we’re level with her ear.
A firm hand lands on the back of my neck.
Based on the size and the strength in the fingers, I know it’s Sloan’s.
He holds me to him, deepening the kiss for a split second before he pulls away, and I pitch forward, subconsciously trying to follow him.
When I open my eyes, I hang my head in shame. I can’t look at him because I’m so disgusted with myself.
I’m a fucking hypocrite.
“I should go,” I whisper. I don’t think my words are loud enough for anyone to hear as I practically run for the exit.
I’m turned around and flustered, and my blood is thumping in my ears.
I feel like I’ve just been flash-banged by the SWAT team.
I can’t figure out which way to go when a hand grabs my wrist and starts pulling me toward the velvet ropes.
I stumble along blindly until the hot, humid air smacks me in the face. Abruptly, there’s a brick wall at my back and Sloan is in front of me, his curly hair hanging across one eye. Without thinking, I reach up to brush it back.
He says nothing before crashing his lips to mine.
The whimper that leaves my mouth can’t be helped. One hand dives into my hair, gripping the roots. His other hand frames my jaw, forcing my head back just to prove he’s in control and when he breaks away, I feel the loss of his lips immediately.
“I hate this. I hate that ever since you showed up, I can’t fucking think straight,” he continues before biting my lower lip.
“Ah,” I cry, pressing my body against his to quell the pain.
His tongue darts out to run across my bottom lip in a soothing gesture before it dives back inside my mouth.
I’m so out of my league. I don’t know how to do this.
I don’t know how to respond, afraid if I start I’ll never stop. Afraid of what this means.
Of what it’s all meant.
He uses his left hand to tug my head sideways as his tongue finds my neck and his right hand finds my growing erection. I wait for his taunt but it never comes.
“Fuck, I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” he growls in my ear, making my hips push forward again, my cock seeking release at his touch.
His mouth feels so good I could fucking cry.
My arms wrap around his back as my brain races to process what the fuck I’m doing when Sloan starts talking again.
“This is your one chance, Lucky. And I’ll most likely regret the fuck out of this in the morning. But if your hatred all those years ago came from a place of jealous insecurity, now’s your chance to make it right. Prove to me I wasn’t alone in feeling what was between us all those years ago.”
His body presses me into the wall, his face hovering two inches from mine, forcing me to come to him.
Forcing me to admit a part of myself I’ve long since struggled with accepting.
A part I didn’t understand when it first began to develop.
A part I’m ashamed of and am still coming to terms with.
Leave it to Sloan to force it out of me now.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Sloan. And I’m scared,” I admit, knowing he hates the feeling of having no control as much as I do.
“You have two options, soldier,” he starts, but I interrupt him because I know what comes next.
“Push through or die trying because retreating is for cowards,” I quote.
But then I look at him, almost exactly eye level and whisper words I already regret, “Sometimes people can’t change and I’ve been a coward my whole life,” I whisper, standing my ground.
Even though I wish more than anything that I could magically accept this as part of who I am the same way I accept my height and hair color.
But this isn’t me.
I don’t want this to be me. No matter what people think, everyone on base will look at me differently. My superiors will look at me differently. I know, because I saw what happened to Grant Tomlin. The words that were spoken about him weren’t even trying to be kind. My own, included.
I’ve worked hard to keep my reputation aboveboard. Hell, it’s part of the reason I don’t even date many women these days. One wrong picture or a caption claiming I said something I didn’t, and I’ll be questioned, my entire career on the line. Something I’m sure Sloan can relate to all too well.
“What happened to the man who took that bullet for me, Lucky? That wasn’t a coward. That was a goddamned hero. A fighter. I want that man,” he breathes against the shell of my ear and after finally learning Grant Tomlin’s real cause of death, I know what it cost Sloan to admit that.
“Saving your life was the best thing I’ve ever done. I’d still die for you in a heartbeat,” I answer without hesitation, my heart disintegrating in my fucking chest.
“But you won’t live for me?”
“Sloan,” I plead. Can’t he see how much this is killing me? I’m a soldier, for fuck’s sake. I don’t cry. I didn’t even cry when I got shot. But hot tears are rolling down my cheeks now.
“If that’s how you feel, even after all this, then I’m going back inside and I don’t want to hear from you anymore because I can’t do this with you again. Are we clear?”
My eyes sting and my throat is tight. I nod, too afraid that if I open my mouth to speak, I’ll throw up on Sloan’s shoes. He leans in again, forcing me back into the brick, one of his forearms braced next to my head and says words that will haunt me every day for the rest of my miserable life.
“Just remember, this is the second time you’ve done this to us, Luke. You won’t get a chance to do it a third. I hope your medals are worth it, Major.”
He doesn’t turn back around before gripping the door handle and stalking inside.