Chapter 23
Luke
Sloan’s back out on the road and I’m at lunch with Nina a week later when my phone dings. I scan the message and then set the phone face down on the table without responding.
Across from me, Nina pops a glazed walnut into her mouth. We’re at, what she claims, is her favorite café about six minutes away from the Pentagon. Parking is a bitch but I try to meet her when I’m over this way.
“Don’t need to answer that?”
“Later.”
“Are you ever going to tell me what went down between you and Sloan all those years ago?” She pauses, eyeing me curiously. “Or what’s going on now?”
I know Sloan wouldn’t care if I told her.
The only reason he hasn’t shouted it from the rooftops is because he’s trying to protect me.
And I could technically tell the whole story and leave Jennifer out, because I don’t know how she’d feel about me blabbing her business.
I hesitate only because it’s so fucking intimate, but not only did Nina kind of force me into Sloan’s orbit repeatedly, giving us this second chance, I need a favor from her. So, I decide to dish some dirt.
“Sloan blames me for Lieutenant Colonel Tomlin’s death,” I start.
Nina jerks her head back. “Why?”
Ever since learning he committed suicide, and it wasn’t a training accident, I haven’t been able to let it go and guilt has renewed itself within me. It’s part of the reason I’ve still been hesitant to jump in with both feet.
“Because I was the one that ratted them out for having a relationship.”
Her eyes bug out of her head as she leans forward across the table to smack me in the arm. “Lucas Blackwell! What is wrong with you?” she seethes quietly, trying not to make a scene. We aren’t the only government officials in the crowded café.
“What was wrong was that I was in love with my best friend, too fucking stubborn and ashamed to admit it, and I was madder than hell at the thought of someone taking advantage of him. Someone else touching him…giving him…never mind. You get the picture.”
Her face softens as her pointer finger lands in my face. “I fucking knew it.”
“Yeah, yeah. You were right, okay? So was Sloan. Anyway, a few days ago, I illegally closed the range on base to take him there so we could talk shit out…but my dick ended up in his mouth.”
Nina puts her hand up to her mouth to silence her laughter. “Sorry,” she says when I shoot her a warning glare. “Continue.”
I sigh, wanting to talk about it anyway. “The day after that, I had dinner with Sloan and Jennifer and we ended up doing it…all of us.” I’m quick to clarify, “But I only fucked Jen.”
“No judgment here, Major. I thought everyone experimented at some point. I sure as hell did.”
That doesn’t surprise me.
“Anyway,” I press on, “once we were done, I just needed some space from them to clear my head. Sloan found me and we ended up jerking each other off on the couch and then we fell asleep. We were assholes because we totally left Jennifer alone, but this is all new for me. As I keep working through my thoughts, feelings, and recent events, I think I’m slowly reaching the conclusion that I’m just…
gay. Or I’m destined to only ever be in love with Sloan.
Or something, because Sloan gave me the green light to fuck around with Jennifer and she’s hot and amazing and I trust her…
” I trail off, too embarrassed to say the last part.
Nina takes a sip of her iced tea and finishes for me. “But now you don’t want her. You’ve had a taste of what good dick can do and now you just want Sloan.”
I nod, guilt and shame threatening to swallow me whole for a new reason.
“Well, shit on a stick, Luke. The girl was brave enough to open up her relationship to your slow, dumb ass. You can’t swoop in and take her man!”
“Don’t you think I know that?” I whisper-yell at Nina. “Christ, he got me off twice and now I’m like a cross between a lovesick puppy and a territorial guard dog.” I shove my plate away, no longer hungry.
She purses her lips at me. “Don’t be so fucking dramatic, you diva. You’ve only been gay for like twenty minutes. You don’t get to graduate to that nonsense yet.”
Nina Cosgrove, ladies and gentlemen.
Covering my face in my hands, I roll the word around my brain again. “Am I? Gay?”
“Well, let’s review the facts, turtledove; you enjoyed a man’s mouth on your man parts so much you blew your load down his throat and then you willingly let him wank you off on his couch after which you promptly fell asleep in his arms, and my guess is you haven’t slept that well since the last time you and he shared a room. That about sum it up?”
“I guess it does.”
“Then yeah, honey, you’re gayer than a two-dollar-bill. But you told me before that you’re attracted to Jennifer too, right? I mean you must feel some kind of attraction to her since, you know, you came in her without a condom, you gigantic moron.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose at the reminder. “In my defense, Sloan was stripping and making my brain short-out. Besides, I know they’ve only fucked each other for the last several months and even after all this time, I trust Sloan. If either of them had anything, he’d tell me.”
“And the part about finding Jen attractive?”
“She is. I do find her attractive.” There’s no denying that objectively, Jennifer is a total knockout. “But when I close my eyes to relive the memory, I only see Sloan.”
Nina blows out a breath, turning serious, and picks apart the muffin that came with her salad. “Well, I’m no therapist but you’re probably bisexual because I think most gay men would rather not have sex at all than stick it in a woman. And as far as Sloan goes—"
It hits me.
“Fuck.”
“What?” Nina asks, concern all over her face. Our waiter chooses that moment to refill our drinks and I wait, patiently holding my tongue until we’re left alone again.
“I’m in love with him.”
“No shit, Sherlock. That’s what I was going to say.”
“No, Nina, I mean I’m in love with him. Like the kind where I don’t want to live without him and I want to tell people, and I want to hold his hand in public.”
“Slow down there, Major. Maybe you should go out for Thai food and you know, actually let him stick it in before you go making those proclamations.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “Thai food? Nina, I’ve taken a bullet for the man and I’ve come down his throat. I think we’re past what Thai food can offer.”
“My point is the dust needs to settle. And you have Jennifer to think about.”
“Shit. I know.” It’s ironic that I’ve spent my entire life perfecting the art of fucking a woman only to realize I could take or leave a woman’s pussy so long as I have Sloan.
“What are you going to do?”
“What I do best,” I answer, my fire burning out a little.
“And that is?”
“I’m going to bury my feelings and be grateful for any time I get with him and pretend it doesn’t hurt like hell when he’s with just her.”
“And when it’s your turn to please her in the threesome?” Nina asks.
“I’ve been pretending to be into women my whole life. I’ll have no trouble.”
“Right,” she deadpans. “Because that sounds a lot healthier than the last ten years you’ve spent doing exactly the same thing.”
“Except the last ten years, I was trying to protect myself. I’ll spend the next ten trying to protect Sloan and that is a much more noble purpose. If he wants us both then he gets us both. I won’t take anything else from him. This, Nina, is Karma giving me the ‘ole boot in the ass.”
“Too bad Karma isn’t a euphemism for Sloan’s cock,” she says, laughing at her own joke.
I thought hearing my friend make jokes about my sexual orientation would really piss me off.
I thought I’d be afraid she’d run her mouth, but the more I say it out loud and the more she casually talks about it while sipping iced tea in the middle of a work day, the more accepting of it I become.
Nina seems to think it’s not a big deal.
Maybe it’s not.
The revelation works wonders to lighten the pressure in my chest and for the first time in a long time, I’m starting to feel hopeful. I’m no stranger to pleasing a woman. Hell, no one’s had more sex with women than a gay man desperate to prove he’s straight, plus, I do genuinely like Jen.
I’ll answer her text when I get back to the office.
“So now that you’re all caught up, I have a favor to ask.” I’ve waited because I can get in serious trouble for this. I’m also putting Nina at risk but not knowing is starting to eat away at my available brain space and my job demands that I have every cell available.
“Go on.”
“I need access to Grant Tomlin’s file.”