Chapter 14
Theo
I can’t sleep. My mind won’t rest. I can’t stop thinking about the fight with Hunter. I can’t stop thinking about Luca, and in some ways, Damien. I can’t stop thinking about how I might have ruined a friendship that I really needed before it even had a chance to start.
I don’t know why I kissed Hunter. I don’t know why I pushed him away. I don’t know why I haven’t talked to him about it. About the fight we had and the way I acted. And worst of all, I don’t know why he hasn’t brought it up again.
Well, okay, he tried. And I told him I didn’t have the energy. It wasn’t a lie. I didn’t, and really, I still don’t. But I also think I need to talk to him about it. I need to let him know I don’t blame him. Not really.
I check the time again. For the sixth time in the last hour.
3:00 a.m. can’t come fast enough, and it seems like each minute is ticking by so damn slowly.
I don’t want to bother him in the middle of the night, but I also can’t wait until morning.
I just hope I can catch him between his Lila alarm and him leaving the house to go feed her.
When I was there, I noticed he didn’t take his phone with him to the barn. I’m not sure if there was a reason, but…
At 2:59, I pull up his contact, and the second the clock turns to 3:00, I tap it, putting the phone to my ear as it starts to ring.
He doesn’t answer, and when his voicemail picks up, my heart sinks. I must have missed him. Fuck.
I don’t bother leaving a voicemail. It’s bad enough that he’s going to see my middle-of-the-night call.
After hanging up, I stare blankly at my phone. I nearly jump out of my skin when it starts ringing and Hunter pops up. I fumble with the screen, my fingers shaking so hard I almost can’t answer, before finally managing to swipe to accept the call.
“Hello,” I whisper.
I have no idea why I’m whispering, but it feels necessary. My room is quiet, and I don’t want to disturb the silence of the night with my voice. It’s like my subconscious worries that if I speak too loudly, it’ll fracture the fragile sense of self I have.
“Hello?”
He sounds half asleep, and I have the sinking feeling that maybe I got the time wrong. My throat goes tight, and I can’t force myself to speak.
“Theo?” Hunter asks. There’s rustling like he’s moving. If I close my eyes, I can picture his bed, imagine him shifting in his blankets. “Theo, are you there?”
I clear my throat, trying to knock the knot there loose. “Did I wake you? Did I have the wrong time?”
“The wrong time?” Hunter sounds confused. “The wrong time for what?”
“Lila’s feed,” I blurt out. “I tried to time my call to the time of her feed.”
“Oh.” Hunter sighs, though it sounds more like a muted yawn, and I press the phone tighter to my ear, trying to hear the background noises better. “Lila’s weaned, Theo.”
“What?” I whisper.
“Yeah, she hasn’t had a night feed in weeks.”
For some reason, that knocks the breath right out of me.
The world just moves along. Goats stop needing milk.
People stop getting up in the middle of the night to feed them.
Everything goes, goes, goes. And I’m stuck.
Stuck in a constant loop of awful thoughts.
Stuck thinking that maybe everything would be better if I could sleep the exhaustion away.
How much sleep is enough sleep for it to go away? Hours? Days? Forever?
If I laid down and fell asleep forever, would that finally be enough to quench the never-ending thirst my body seems to have for it?
“I’m sorry,” I choke out, my throat raw and eyes burning with unshed tears. “I’ll let you go. I didn’t realize.”
I’m pulling the phone away when his voice comes through the line. Tinny and muted without it being pressed to my ear, but frantic enough that I bring it back without thought. “Please don’t,” he says. “Theo. Theo? Are you still there?”
I nod, though he can’t see me, and force myself to choke out a wobbly “Yes.”
He sighs. In relief? I wish I knew.
“Thank God,” he mumbles.
His accent is deeper in the quiet of the night. I noticed it before, at the farm. His vowels get a little longer, his consonants falling off at the ends like he’s not saying a complete word.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat, my voice stronger now. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
He hums low. “You can always wake me up. Are you okay?”
No. “I don’t know. Can I ask you something?”
“Course.”
“Why are you talking to me?”
Hunter is quiet for a second, and I can practically see his assessing eyes in my head. “You called me…”
Of course he would think I mean right now.
“No, not that. In general. I know I said before I didn’t have the energy, and I don’t even now.
” God, words can’t even explain how little energy I have.
But I also don’t think I can go any longer without knowing the answer.
“After I treated you that way in the barn. Why are you talking to me? Why send me updates on the animals? Why talk to me on the phone?”
My chest heaves with a ragged breath, and I snap my mouth shut, forcing myself to calm down before I hyperventilate.
“I don’t know how to answer that.”
What the fuck does that mean? “Huh?”
“Can I FaceTime you? I wanna see your face.”
Sitting up, I glance around the room. I probably look a fucking mess. I haven’t been able to force myself into the shower all week. Flipping on the light beside my bed, I pull the phone from my ear and hit the button to FaceTime him.
My breath catches when his face fills my screen, and I nearly close my eyes. He looks sleep-mussed and warm and like all the good things I have left in the world.
“Fuck,” he breathes, and my stomach sinks.
Resisting the urge to turn off my camera, I swallow hard. “Yeah, I know I look like shit.”
My attempt at deflection doesn’t work, and Hunter’s eyebrows pull together. “You don’t look like shit at all. You look exhausted and sad.”
“So, like shit,” I repeat. I want to be defensive, but I can’t even muster the strength to do it.
He shakes his head. “No.”
We stare at each other in silence for what feels like a lifetime before he sighs. “I’m not going to have this talk with you right now.”
My stomach sinks. “Why not?”
“Because you look too fucking sad, and I can’t handle it. Just know I’m not mad at you. I’m thankful you responded when I texted, I’m thankful we talk on the phone, and I’m really fucking thankful you let me see your face.”
I snort. “Because I’m sad?”
He shakes his head slowly. “No, because you’re fucking beautiful, and I missed seeing those eyes of yours.”
That stuns me into silence. “Have you eaten today?” Hunter asks softly, and I shake my head.
“Do you have anything you can snack on?”
I start to shake my head again, but then nod instead. “I have some peanut butter crackers in the kitchen.”
His lips quirk up into a crooked smile. “Perfect. Wanna go grab them and a glass of water, and we can chat while you’re snacking?”
“It’s the middle of the night.”
Hunter nods. “Exactly. The perfect time for a midnight snack. Mom made cookies earlier; maybe I’ll go grab one, and we can snack together.”
I see what he’s doing. He’s helping me with something I’m not sure I can get on my own, and he’s offering to keep me company. To brighten some of the dullness and dark that’s hanging over me.
“Okay.”
I start to set my phone down so I can climb out of bed, but Hunter’s voice stops me. “Wait, take me too.”
That draws a tired laugh out of me. “You don’t want an apartment tour, I promise. I’ll be right back.”
Dropping the phone on the bed, I drag myself out of it. I left the crackers on the counter in the bag from the gas station, not even bothering to put them away. So, after I’ve got a glass of cold tap water and a package of the crackers, I go to my room and climb back into bed.
Hunter’s still on my screen when I pick up the phone. “Hey,” he says, a big grin on his face as he holds two cookies in the air. “Let’s enjoy our snack, shall we?”
I nod, sitting against the wall so I can put my phone between my knees and open the package of crackers.
I eat them slowly, taking lots of sips of water to help wash them down. They’re so dry, and it’s so hard to chew, but when the package is gone and Hunter’s smiling eyes are settled on mine, I feel marginally better. At least my stomach isn’t empty anymore.
“Tell me about your day,” he says softly.
“That’s my line.”
His lips curve up as he lies down and rolls onto his side. “Well, tonight it’s my line.”
“There’s not much to tell. I went to work, even though I didn’t want to. And then when I got home, I came straight to bed.”
He hums. “Yeah? Anything interesting happen at work tonight?”
I shake my head but then stop. “Well, someone won on a scratch-off ticket.”
Hunter grins. “Big winner?”
“He wishes. It was only $100, but he acted like it was the best thing that had ever happened to him.”
Although I guess $100 could probably help me right now too, so who am I to judge?
“I’ve never played a scratch-off ticket before.”
My eyes nearly bug out. “Really?”
He gives a one-shoulder shrug. “No. They don’t really have any place around here that sells them. And I never cared to drive into the city to get them.”
“What do you consider ‘the city’?” I ask.
“The town next to us.”
“What’s the population there?”
Hunter smirks. “Dunno, like seven thousand or so.”
I nearly laugh. Not quite, but almost. “That’s a city to you?”
“Sure. How many people are there where you live?”
“More than seven thousand. Probably a hundred thousand.”
It doesn’t feel like it, though. There are so many people and not a soul around. It’s just me, living on my own, breathing on my own, existing on my own. Except for the few minutes of each day I get with Hunter. He’s the only person who makes me feel seen.
I can see hundreds of people a day, but no one notices me like he does.
He hums. “Not sure I’d want to be around that many people.”
“It’s lonely,” I say without really meaning to. “You wouldn’t think it is, but…”
Hunter sobers, his eyes softening. “That makes sense. All those people and no one really sees each other. No one really knows each other.”
I nod. “Exactly that.”
My eyes are drooping now, and I can barely keep them open. Hunter must notice because he grins. “Why don’t you get some sleep? Text me when you wake up, okay?”
“Alright,” I say, finally losing the battle with my eyes as they fall shut.
“Goodnight, Theo.”
“Goodnight, Hunter.”
The last thing I hear before sleep takes me is the chime of my phone as he ends the call.