Chapter 21
Theo
I wake expecting to feel nothing, but, instead, I feel warmth.
I’m lying on something soft, which doesn’t make sense. If I had fallen to my death, it would be hard, not soft. I wouldn’t be this warm, right? This… comfortable.
Something ruffles my hair, and my eyes fly open. All I can see is white, and when I shift slightly, strong arms tighten around my body.
Hunter.
Holy fuck. “I’m alive.”
The words come spilling out of my mouth, and I’m surprised by how shocked my tone sounds.
Hunter makes a deep, rumbly sound in his chest that ruffles my hair again. “Mmm, you’re alive, sweetheart.”
The warmth spreads. Not just outside, but on the inside too. “I’m alive,” I repeat. “I’m with you.”
“You’re alive,” Hunter says. “And you’re definitely with me.” This time, I can hear a slight smile in his voice. “How are you feeling?”
I don’t really know how to answer that. I mostly feel shocked that I’m alive and that I’m here.
Yesterday comes back to me in flashes.
Standing at the edge of the parking garage.
Thinking about how all my problems would go away if I just let myself fall.
And then leaning over, feeling the concrete under my chest and nails.
Waiting for peace. For death.
Being afraid of how easy it all sounded. Terrified, actually.
Backing up, staring at the edge as I moved further and further away. Getting in my car with only the thought that I needed Hunter.
The shock on his face when he opened the door. Collapsing into his arms. The relief. The pure fucking relief. Relief so strong and poignant that I was sure I had fallen to my death and Hunter’s arms were what awaited me.
He fed me. By hand. Helped me drink. Helped me…
No. I lift a hand slowly, running my fingers through my hair. My clean hair.
My throat goes tight. “You helped me bathe.”
“I’m sorry,” Hunter mumbles, sounding confused. I’m too ashamed to look at him to verify, though. “You said it was okay.”
I squeeze my eyes closed. “You saw…”
“Oh,” he whispers. “Theo?” I shake my head. “Theo, please look at me.”
Taking a deep breath, I tilt my head back without opening my eyes. I’m afraid. Will I see his disgust? His disdain? Will he ask me why I wasn’t stronger? Why I didn’t fight harder?
Hunter’s arm leaves my body, only for gentle, warm fingers to grip my chin and brush along my jaw. “Open your eyes.”
When I finally do, I’m met with the warm hazel of his gaze. Eyes I’ve missed so much. Eyes I was convinced I’d never see again.
His eyes dart between mine for a second. “I saw, yes.” I have to resist the urge to close my eyes again, to hide from him in shame. “You’re gorgeous, Theo. Every inch of you. That’s not why I offered to help you—not for anything like that, but you are.”
My stomach flips.
“You’re strong. You survived something meant to kill you.” His thumb coasts over my cheekbone. “Not only once…”
Swallowing hard, I nod.
“Your scar is proof of that. Proof of survival. And it’s just as fucking beautiful as the rest of you.”
He gently touches the skin beside my eye and drags his thumb to my temple, still searching my face.
This time, I don’t look away. I can’t. I’m too struck by the intensity of his gaze and his words. I’m not sure I believe them, but something inside me recedes at them anyway; the biting humiliation of letting myself be marked like that. If only for now.
“Okay,” I finally say.
“Okay,” he echoes, his lips curving into a slight smile. “Percentage?”
“Maybe ten.”
His grin grows, which is wild. I’m sitting with an empty tank, and instead of thinking of all the ways I’m sure I’ll be a burden, he’s smiling.
“How about breakfast?” he asks. “Are you hungry?”
“Very.” I feel like I’ve barely eaten in days, and the small amount of food he gave me last night didn’t do much to help the biting hunger. Though it does seem as if it triggered my appetite a bit. “I’m not sure I really have the energy for it, though. I’d rather use what I’ve got to go see Lila.”
Hunter laughs. “Okay. We can definitely see Lila. I won’t even make you walk.”
I scoff. “You can’t just carry me across the field to the goats.”
He boops my nose. “First off, I could. But no, we’ll take the four-wheeler now that it’s warm. But first”—he untangles himself from me, then climbs out of bed—“we need to get some food into you. Bathroom?”
I do need to pee, so I nod and force the blanket off myself, hoping that getting out of bed and going to the bathroom isn’t all I’ve got in me today.
“I’ll go use one of the others and meet you in the hall,” Hunter says, and then he slips out of the bedroom door.
After I’m done peeing and have washed my hands, I glance around the bathroom looking for an extra toothbrush. When I don’t find one, I squeeze some toothpaste onto my finger and use it to clean my teeth and tongue as best as I can.
Hunter’s already in the hallway when I get out there, and when I take a deep breath and start walking to the stairs, he steps in front of me, then turns around and kneels down.
“What are you doing?”
“Hop on,” he says, glancing back to look at me.
“Hop on?”
He nods. “Yeah, my back. I’ll carry you down.”
I’m shaking my head before he’s even done talking. “No, I can’t do that.”
Standing up, he turns around to face me again. “Why not?”
“Because…” I wave my hand through the air. “I don’t want to… I don’t know—bother you or something.”
“If it was a bother, do you think I would have offered? I want you to be able to see Lila. Which means that you need to save your energy. Let me carry you, Theo. I want to.”
Biting my lip, I stare at him. At his earnest eyes, full of honesty and not a hint of pity. He doesn’t feel sorry for me. He really does just want to help.
“Okay,” I finally say.
If I had even five percent more in me, I’d smile at the raucous whoop he lets out as he turns around again.
He kneels down far enough that I don’t actually have to hop, and I’m surprised when he lifts me effortlessly.
“Lean into me going down so we don’t tip backward,” he says, then steps onto the first step.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and drape myself over his back. He’s so fucking warm, and he’s carrying me down the stairs like it’s nothing for him. Like maybe I’m not a burden. Like maybe all the things my head tells me are lies.
When he steps into the kitchen, Millie is already there, and a fresh wave of embarrassment washes over me that her son is carrying me through the house like I can’t do it myself.
“Good morning, boys,” she says with a warm smile. “I made biscuits and gravy for breakfast.”
My stomach growls loudly, and she smiles again.
Hunter carefully sets me on my feet and leads me to a chair, pulling it out for me so I can sit down.
A minute later, I have a plateful of food in front of me, along with a cup of orange juice and a bottle of water.
I stare at the food for a while, taking it all in.
“Want me to feed you again?” Hunter asks quietly.
I look up quickly, slightly embarrassed that Millie might have heard that, only to realize she’s not in the room anymore. “What?”
“I don’t mind. I actually kind of liked it.” His cheeks turn pink. “I like takin’ care of you.”
I stare at him in disbelief. “You do?”
“So much. Please let me feed you, Theo.”
I can’t take him up on that. I have to be able to do this on my own. If I can’t eat a meal prepared for me by someone else and placed directly in front of me while I’m sitting in a chair I was carried to, maybe I am better off dead.
“No. Thank you, though. I can do it myself.”
“Sure,” Hunter says, and I find myself watching him to make sure he’s not mad.
When he immediately picks up his fork and starts digging in like it’s been just as long for him as it has for me since he’s had a meal, though, I follow suit.
The food is good, so it’s probably actually phenomenal. Everything is always a little bland when I’m like this. Food. Life. Me.
I wash the bites that I manage to eat down with a few sips of orange juice. It’s cool and refreshing, and it tastes better than any orange juice I’ve ever had.
“Mom squeezes it fresh.” I pause, pulling the glass from my lips. “The orange juice,” Hunter clarifies, pointing to it. “She squeezes it fresh.”
“It’s good. I really like it.”
I look back at my plate, and suddenly it all feels like too much. Too much food. Too much kindness. Too much of everything.
“You don’t have to eat it all,” Hunter says softly. “Are you ready to go see Lila, and then we can come back and take a nap?”
“I don’t want to disrupt your morning,” I say, shaking my head. “Thinking about the animals not having what they need makes me sick to my stomach.”
“The animals are fine, sweetheart. It’s later than you probably realize. I woke up this morning and took care of them already.”
My stomach swoops again at that. Sweetheart.
“Did you?”
“I did.” Hunter gives a single resolute nod. “You were sleeping so good I didn’t want to bother you, but I was also tired, so I got right back in bed when I was done.”
I nod, swallowing hard. “Thank you.”
“For getting back in bed with you?”
“No.” Although, yeah, that too. “For taking me in. For… taking care of me. You could have turned me away.”
“Theo, look at me.”
I didn’t even realize I wasn’t, so I lift my head. “It’s not a hardship. You are not a hardship. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re alive.”
I think I am too. But that’s almost as scary to admit out loud as the idea that I almost wasn’t, so I don’t answer.
It doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. “Okay, let’s go see Miss Lila so we can nap.”
After cleaning up our plates, Hunter leads me out of the kitchen through the side door. There’s already a four-wheeler waiting, and he winks at me. “I took it this morning. Walking is fun, but it’s slower than pond water compared to this.”
Slower than pond water.
“That’s a new phrase,” I say.
Hunter throws his head back and laughs. “Suppose it would be for a city boy like you.” He swings a leg over the seat with practiced ease, much like he does with the horses, then grins at me. “Well, climb on up.”
I climb on behind him and wrap my arms tightly around his waist when it starts up. “I’ve never ridden one of these before.”
“We’ll go slow,” he says as he takes off.
I figured it would be terrifying, and in some ways it is, but it’s mostly… exhilarating. I want to do this again when I have the energy to enjoy it. When I can laugh and smile and have fun with it.
It takes us practically no time before we’re pulling up outside a large barn with a fenced-in area behind it.
When I get off, my legs still feel like they’re vibrating, and I’m a little shaky on my feet as I follow Hunter into the barn.
“Lila girl,” he calls out, then whistles.
I’m certain there’s no way she’s gonna come with a whistle like a dog, but I’m proven wrong when a little ball of white and brown comes bounding toward us. She headbutts Hunter right in the shin, and he laughs again.
I must have listened to his laughter in the video he sent me a hundred times. Some nights, it was the only thing that kept me going.
When I kneel, Lila loses interest in ramming Hunter’s legs and comes bouncing toward me instead. She’s grown so much, and it nearly makes me cry that I missed it all. Not like I could have changed it.
“Hey, girl,” I whisper, holding a hand out. She licks me, her tongue rough on my skin, and for some reason, I wrap my arms around her and pull her in close.
I’ve always been told that animals are healing, but it felt like bullshit to me. But as Lila goes still against my body, the warmth of her seeping into my skin and the smell of farm and hay filling my nose, I realize that maybe it’s not such bullshit after all.
“I missed you. I can’t believe how big you’ve gotten. I missed all the fun stuff.”
Suddenly, I can’t even bear to think about what I might have missed if I had jumped.