Chapter 22
Hunter
I wake up long before Theo does. It’s no surprise since I was good old-fashioned regular tired and he’s… Well, he’s not. I still need to text Luca, but I don’t actually know if Theo even remembers telling me that I can.
Given that he didn’t fully remember me helping him bathe, I didn’t want to do it without having another conversation.
In some ways, today has been amazing. All the worry and stress of the last week has melted away with Theo here, and he’s been clinging to me like I’m a lifeline. I got to see his eyes light up when he held Lila. He ate and stayed hydrated. But I know we need to have a talk.
A real talk.
A talk about his mind, where it went, and how we can help it not go there again.
I’m bracing for a fight. I’m hoping he won’t run from me again. But I’m prepared if he does.
As it stands, it’s not responsible for me to pretend that he didn’t tell me he was thinking about jumping. I don’t know if he really would have, and it’s probably a good sign that he didn’t.
That he apparently got in the damn car and drove for ten hours straight to get here, but it’s a close call, right? He was afraid. Terrified, actually. Least it seemed so, anyway.
That’s probably a good sign too.
It’s still not a risk I’m willing to take. There’s a guy I worked with once at the sheriff’s department who has knowledge of mental health stuff, and I know he works with a hospital about an hour away in Graymont that does inpatient treatment.
If I reached out to him, I wonder if he’d help me get Theo in. At least for a hold of some sort. Just until he can get the help he needs. I want to give him the help he needs, but I know that’s not realistic. I’m no professional, and I want him to have the best care. He deserves that.
For now, I’ll just enjoy his soft weight pressing into me and the knowledge that he’s safe.
Never in a million years would I have guessed that he’d come to me like this. I thought I’d fucked it all up and that he was never gonna talk to me again. I’m glad to be proven wrong.
If I think too hard about the alternative, my stomach sours and dread fills me. It reminds me of the feeling I got when we found out that Dad had died.
Theo shifts, dragging me out of my thoughts, and when his sleepy blue eyes blink up at me, my heart almost stops.
Yeah, real damn glad he came to me.
“Mornin’.”
His lips twitch a little at the edges. Not quite a smile, but close. I’ll take it.
“Morning,” he mumbles. “I need a toothbrush.”
I frown. “You should have said something. I would have gotten you one.”
“I’m telling you now.”
There’s almost a bit of defiance in his voice, and compared to the monotone he’s had since he got here, it feels like another small step in the right direction. “You’re right. You are. I’ll get you one in just a sec. I wanna stay here for a bit if it’s all the same to you.”
“If you wanna smell my bad breath, that’s on you, I guess.”
I laugh. “You’re awfully grumbly after your nap. I’ll take that as a sign you’re feeling a little better.”
He huffs but doesn’t respond.
“Wanna know a secret?” I mock whisper.
“Sure,” he says just as softly.
“I’ve delivered cows.” His face scrunches in confusion. “It’s messy business. Sometimes you’ve even gotta shove your arm—”
“Nope,” Theo says, cutting me off. “Don’t need you to explain that to me.”
I bark out a loud laugh. “My point is that I’m not concerned about morning breath, but I’ll be happy to get you a toothbrush.”
“Fine,” he says with a sigh before ducking his head and pressing his forehead to my chest. “We can stay here for a while.”
“Can I play with your hair?”
It’s grown a lot since the last time I saw him. Given how much of a hard time he’s had, it’s no surprise that he hasn’t cut it. I kind of like it, though. He doesn’t look his age as it is, but it gives him a more youthful look, falling over his forehead.
He hums what sounds like a yes, so I slide my fingers into his hair and let the silky strands slip through my fingers.
“Can we talk a bit?” I ask softly.
“Depends,” Theo answers. “Can we stay like this?”
“For as long as you want.”
He nods. “Then yes, we can talk.”
I should have spent more time trying to figure out what I was going to say and less time enjoying the feel of his body because now it’s like I have no words.
Swallowing hard, I dive in. “Would you consider getting professional help?”
Theo tenses for a second but relaxes quickly. “I have a therapist. I’ve been seeing her since I divorced Damien.”
“That’s not exactly what I mean.”
He’s quiet for a second. “What do you mean?”
“I know a guy who works in the mental health field. Would you consider inpatient treatment?”
He goes rigid. Not tense—straight fucking rigid, like all his muscles freeze at once. “No. No fucking way. I’m not gonna get locked in some room where I can’t see anyone and be—”
“Okay,” I say, interrupting him, but the damage is already done. He sits up, then moves away. I let him go even though I don’t want to. The last thing I want is for him to feel trapped.
“I’m not doing that,” he says, staring at me with wide eyes.
“Okay, you don’t have to. It was just an idea. I just… It scared me. You were thinking about… You almost killed yourself, Theo.”
“I didn’t,” he snaps, cutting me off. “I didn’t, though.”
I sit up, watching him carefully. “I know you didn’t.”
He places a hand over his chest. “I chose not to. I chose to walk away, and I chose to come to you. And now, what? You want to send me away?” His voice cracks and tears well up in his eyes.
“Hey, no.” I reach out for him, but he moves further away. “I’m glad you came here. I’m so fucking glad, Theo. But you scared the shit out of me.”
After staring at me for a while, his shoulders slump. “Scared me too.”
“I don’t want to take your choices away,” I say softly, my heart thumping hard when he swipes at his face to wipe the tears away. “I just want you to be safe.”
“I am safe,” he says, sniffling. “I’m here with you.”
Fuck. My goddamn heart. “Of course you’re safe with me.”
“I don’t want to die,” he whispers brokenly.
“Fuck, sweetheart. I know you don’t. I believe you. But it’s scary that you thought about it, right? That your brain went there? What about…”
I shake my head as I trail off.
“About what?” Theo asks, back to eyeing me warily.
I sigh. “Medication.”
His face screws up. “I don’t want medication. It’ll make me numb.”
I’d hate to argue with him, but it seems like he’s kind of numb already.
“Have you ever talked to your therapist about it before?”
Theo shakes his head. “No. She’s tried. I’ve ignored.”
I hold my hands out to him, and after staring at them for a long time, he places his in mine.
“Maybe you should consider it.”
Letting the words sit between us, I rub my thumbs over the backs of Theo’s hands.
“I’ll talk to her about it. Will that make you happy?”
I shake my head. “No. It’s not about making me happy. It’s about you being happy. Don’t you think you deserve that?”
His jaw drops open like he hadn’t considered that before.
Letting one of his hands go, I cup his face instead, smiling when he leans into my touch. “You deserve to be happy, Theo. You deserve to have more good days than bad. You deserve to actually enjoy the things you like to do.”
“I do enjoy things.” His eyes dart away from me and stay that way. He doesn’t believe his own words. “Sometimes,” he adds on. “When my brain isn’t being a dick.”
“Needing medication doesn’t make you weak. You know that, right?”
He doesn’t answer.
“It doesn’t.”
He sighs. “What if it kills my sex drive? That’s a real thing, you know.”
I sputter a laugh. “Are you having a lot of sex?”
“I could be,” he snaps defensively.
Biting my lip so I don’t laugh again, I nod. “Okay, then. If it kills your sex drive, you talk to your doctor about it.”
“Fuck.” He jerks away from me, covering his face with his hands. “I’ll try it.”
“It doesn’t have to be forever, either. It’s not all or nothing.”
Theo sighs, dropping his hands to his lap. “I know. That’s what Charlotte told me too. Now, can we stop talking about this and cuddle again?”
My heart skips a beat. “Come here, sweetheart.”
He crawls across the bed to me and damn near collapses in my lap. I hold him tightly, rubbing his back as he nestles his face in my throat.
“Another thing,” I say after a few seconds.
“Ugh,” he groans. “More things?”
I can’t help but laugh. “Yeah, more things. Do you think we should go to your apartment and get some clothes for you? When do you need to go back to work?”
“Well, I got fired, so basically never.”
Fuck. “When did that happen?”
Theo’s body slumps in defeat. “At the end of June. I need to get it together and find something else.”
“So you got fired, then you stopped talking to me, and then you…”
“Yeah, that about sums it up,” Theo says.
I run my fingers up and down his back, smiling when he shivers under my touch. I wonder if he ever thinks about our kiss. That’s a really inappropriate thought to be having right now, but I can’t help it.
“Okay. How long do you want to stay?”
He swallows hard enough that I can hear it. “I’m not sure. I really can’t afford much.”
“Sweetheart,” I breathe, my throat aching. “You don’t have to pay anything. You’re not here as a guest. You’re here as—” I choke back the words that want to fly out of me. That he’s here as mine. “You don’t have to pay,” I repeat.
Theo sits up, and his eyes search my face. “Can I stay for a week or so?”
I’d like him to stay forever. The thought hits me like a bolt of lightning. Jesus, why am I falling in love with someone who lives so far away from me?
“Okay. Do you want me to go home with you to get some clothes? We can take turns driving so it’s not so bad.”
A small smile spreads across his face. It doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Sure, but you can’t come inside.”
What? “Why not?”
“I can’t even take care of myself, Hunter,” he mumbles, breaking eye contact. “I definitely haven’t been taking care of my apartment.”
I want to tell him that I’d take care of him. That I’d help him eat and shower and brush his teeth. That I’d drag him out of bed to ride Molls if he needed it. That I’d show him all my favorite places in town. That I’d introduce him to everyone so he wouldn’t be alone anymore.
He’d have a community here. Friendship. Hell, he already does. Me and Luca and Austin. And I know Arlo too, and Austin’s friend, Jasper. All of them would welcome him with open arms.
“We can leave in the morning if you want,” Theo says when I don’t respond to him. “Do you need to find someone to take care of the farm?”
I shake my head. “No. I just need to talk to Mom. She can take care of things. I just didn’t want her to.”
Theo hums. “That’s why you quit. To help her?”
This could become dangerous territory really fast. “It was part of the reason.”
“What was the other part?”
You.
I clear my throat, ready to choke the words back. I don’t want to lie to him, even if it’s just a lie of omission. It didn’t end well for me last time. And he’s struggling right now, but he’s not broken. He can handle the truth. I think. I hope so, anyway.
“Well…” I pause, still not sure if this is the right choice. But I made the opposite choice last time, and it wasn’t right either. “Luca,” I say softly. “But also you.”
“Me?” Theo asks, blinking at me slowly.
“Mhm.”
“Why me?”
He doesn’t seem mad, just confused, and I feel slightly better about my decision to be honest with him.
“What I saw in your file fucked me up.”
Quicker than shit, he turns from me, nearly throwing himself out of my lap.
“No. Not like that. Come back.” Fucked it all up, Hunter. Way to go.
“I’m sorry I fucked you up.”
“Theo, dammit. Come here. Don’t run away from me,” I say just when he gets to the bedroom door. “I’m trying to tell you the truth this time. I didn’t last time, remember?”
He pauses, hand on the doorhandle. “I remember.”
“I want to do it right this time. But that was the wrong way to word it.”
“I’ll say,” he mumbles, more to himself than to me.
“Please come back. I’m sorry.”
With a frustrated growl, he turns around, but he doesn’t come closer. At least he’s not running.
“There’s not a lot of crime like that here. Drug charges, sometimes. Trespassing. Traffic violations.”
Theo’s shoulders drop. “Seeing you like that… Knowing that they had all the evidence and still did nothing? Knowing he got off? That I sat in a hospital room with someone I’ve known my whole life and that he was covered in bruises much like yours in those photos… ” I trail off, my throat going tight.
“It made me lose faith in the system a bit. You did all the right things. You pressed charges; you fought back. You put yourself at greater risk to do it. And still, it didn’t matter.”
“That’s what I’ve always hated,” Theo whispers. “That he still won.”
I stand up, carefully walking toward Theo.
He’s only an inch or two shorter than I am, and when he looks up at me through his dark lashes, my world tilts on its axis. Bringing my hands up slowly so he knows what I’m about to do, I gently cup his face in both hands.
Theo blinks earnest blue eyes at me. “He didn’t win,” I say slowly. “You lived. You’re here. In spite of everything, you’re here and alive. And he fucking lost.”
Theo swallows hard, his throat bobbing. “But he hurt Luca.”
“And yet he still fucking lost,” I say again. “In the end, you two won. And he fucking lost.”
Tears well up in Theo’s eyes, spilling over the second he blinks. They land on my thumbs, and I brush them away as they continue to fall.
“I won,” Theo croaks out.
Goddamn, I want to kiss him so fucking bad. “Damn right you won.”
He steps forward, and I drop my hands in time for him to crash into me, wrapping his arms tightly around me. His face disappears into my chest, and his body quakes with each sob that leaves him.
Unlike all the tears he’s shed since he got here, these don’t feel like pain. They feel like healing.