Chapter 24
Hunter
Theo’s apartment is shockingly bare. It has no personality. Nothing of him exists here outside of his belongings.
“We should stay the night and go back home tomorrow.”
He shakes his head. “We can go back tonight. I’ll drive so you can sleep.”
“It’s not a big deal. We need the rest. We don’t need to rush back.”
Dropping his head, he looks at his feet. “Okay, then let me pay for a hotel. There are cheap ones.”
What in the world is happening right now? “Why would we get a hotel?”
Theo’s head shoots up. “My room is a disaster, Hunter. It’s gross. I haven’t cleaned in God knows how long. I haven’t washed the sheets in… I don’t know. I can’t let you sleep in there.”
Getting a hotel is easier for him than washing sheets? And worse, he thinks the state of his apartment is gonna scare me off or gross me out. “Do you have a washer and dryer?”
His eyebrows arch. “What?”
“A washer and dryer.”
“The building does. In the basement. I don’t.”
Stepping closer to him, I offer a soft smile. “I’m sure it’s really hard to get down there when you’re having a tough time. It’s no big deal, though. Can you leave stuff unattended, or will it be stolen?”
“What?” he asks again, his nose scrunching in confusion.
“If I take your sheets and blankets to the washer, can I leave them down there and swap them later, or will someone steal them?”
Understanding lights up his face. “They’d be fine.”
“Okay, great. Let’s go strip the bed, and I’ll take them down.”
His mouth opens and closes. “You can’t just… wash my bedsheets.”
“Why not?” It’s clear he doesn’t have an answer for that. “I think you’re waiting for me to judge you. I won’t. You’ve been in survival mode. Hell, you are in survival mode. Let me help you. I want to.”
After a tense few seconds, his shoulders slump. “Okay. Yes.”
Theo reluctantly leads me to his bedroom, and when he pushes the door open, it becomes clear that he’s much harder on himself than he needs to be. It smells a little stuffy, but not bad. Just stale.
There are food wrappers beside the bed and empty water bottles on the floor. His clothes are in baskets.
“They’re clean,” he says softly, eyes back on the ground.
“That’s…”
“Awful, I know.”
“No. It’s amazing, Theo.”
He stands there silently before shaking his head. “You don’t have to flatter me. I know it fucking sucks.”
I almost roll my eyes. “Look at me.” This time he doesn’t fight against it or me, and he raises his gaze.
“You have food and water beside your bed. You prioritized eating and drinking, even when you didn’t have the energy to get up.
You have clean clothes. Sure, they’re in baskets, but even if you didn’t get them put away, you washed them. They’re right there. That’s amazing.”
“It doesn’t feel amazing.”
“No, I’d imagine it doesn’t. But you found a system that works for you. Come here, sweetheart.”
He stumbles his way to me, then presses himself against my chest. My hands land on his back and rub circles there as I hold him to me. I hold him until he relaxes, until I’m supporting most of his weight.
Turning my head to bury my nose in his hair, I inhale a deep breath. “Do you want to start packing, and I’ll take your sheets down?”
He sighs. “Yeah, that’s fine.”
“Perfect.” But he doesn’t step away, and I don’t let him go.
There will be time for him to pack, and there will be time for the sheets to get washed. Right now, he needs this.
And fuck, I do too.
The back seat of my truck is full of clothes and photos. For now, it was all Theo wanted to bring.
We’re coming into Silverpine now, and I’m so ready to be done driving. Theo stayed awake much longer this time, but now he’s asleep on my shoulder, his fingertips resting on my palm.
He spent the better part of an hour playing with my hand, running his fingers over my palm, and touching my wrist. I’m not sure why, but it seemed to bring him comfort, or at least soothe him.
His movements got slower and slower until eventually they stopped altogether, and his weight slumped against me.
Now, as I glance down at him, my heart’s like a battering ram in my chest. Even though I can’t fucking wait to get out of this truck and get my ass into bed, I can’t help but wish I didn’t have to lose this connection with Theo.
I pull into the driveway at home, and almost like Theo senses it, he stirs, his fingers flexing against my palm before he sits upright and rubs at his eyes.
“We’re here,” he mumbles.
“We are. I’m ready for bed.”
“What time is it?”
I glance at the dash. “Just after midnight.”
“Was I asleep for a long time? I’m sorry.”
“No. Just a little over an hour, but even if you were, you don’t need to be sorry.”
We sit in silence for a second, and when I kill the engine, he turns to look at me. “I wanted to thank you.”
I can barely make out his eyes in the dark, so I turn on the dome light. He squints, and I can’t resist smiling. “What are you thanking me for?”
Waving a hand around, he shrugs. “Everything. For helping me. And for, you know… Not making me feel like I fucking suck at life.”
He seems to really like when I touch him, so I brush my thumb along his jaw, and just like I figured he would, he sighs and leans into it. “You don’t suck at life. You’ve just had… harder circumstances. That’s all.”
“Well,” Theo says with a sigh. “Thank you anyway.”
“You’re welcome anyway.”
He cracks a smile that has heat flooding my body. His smiles are so hard-won that anytime I get one, it makes me want to jump for joy.
“Are you ready to go in?” I ask.
Theo nods.
After I turn the light back off, we get out of the truck and head into the house. “Hey,” he whispers when we walk inside. “Do you think I can see Molls tomorrow?”
“Definitely.”
Standing awkwardly at the bottom of the stairs, I stare at him.
“We should go up,” Theo mumbles. “You’ve driven a ridiculous amount in the last two days.”
I gesture for him to go ahead, then I follow him.
Mom’s likely already in bed. When I told her I was bringing Theo back to stay with us, she responded exactly like I knew she would: by telling me that it was good and that he needed some TLC. Her love knows no bounds.
When we get into my bedroom, I unbutton my jeans. “I think I’m going to shower and get into something more comfortable.”
“I’m gonna try to do the same after you.”
I turn to him with a smile. “Sounds good.”
Grabbing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, I step into the bathroom. I’m quick in the shower. If Theo wants to shower, I don’t want to take too long and risk him missing out if his energy levels dip.
When I’ve washed away the car ride, and I’m dressed in comfy clothes, I step out of the steamed-up bathroom to find Theo sitting on my bed with his phone in his hand.
“Shower’s ready for you.”
He nods. “Thank you. Should I text Luca and let him know? That I’m here and stuff. Like… that I’m living here, I guess.”
“If you want to.”
I’d never make him, and if he needs more time, that’s fine too. There’s no rush. At any rate, Luca will likely eventually find out unless Theo just never goes into town.
“I do. It’s just…” With a sigh, he sets his phone down. “He’s got it together in a way I don’t. Not exactly excited to tell him about… all this.”
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, I hold a hand out to him. He takes it, then adjusts my arm until it’s resting on his knee. I smile when he starts his little finger motions again.
“Luca is different than you,” I say carefully.
“Better, you mean,” Theo mumbles, not looking up from my hand.
He’s running the tip of his pointer finger up and down the underside of mine. It’s light and almost tickles a bit.
“No. Not better. Not worse, either. Just different. Can I ask you something?”
He nods.
“Are you still hurt over Damien?”
His head shoots up. “What do you mean?”
I sigh, trying to figure out the best way to put it. “Luca’s very immediate trauma is Damien.”
Theo nods. “Right.”
“Are you still plagued by those things?”
He starts to nod, then stops. “In some ways, I think I look at myself through his eyes, but…” His face scrunches. “No. Not really. Therapy helped with that a lot.”
“Give me some examples.”
He cocks his head, his brow furrowing. “Well, six years ago, I wouldn’t have pushed a near stranger into a stack of hay and kissed him. The thought wouldn’t have even crossed my mind.”
That makes me smile, and to my surprise, Theo smiles back. “Right.”
“There’s other stuff too.” Theo sits up a little straighter. “I used to be really touch averse. I didn’t want to be touched at all. By anyone. That’s better too.” He stops, then peers at me through his lashes, his cheeks pinking up. “I actually really like it when you touch me.”
I almost tell him that I can tell but figure I better not. “So,” I say, trying to get back to the point I was making. “You’re not behind Luca. Those are all things he still struggles with.”
“But…” Theo gets a crease between his eyebrows. “Austin.”
“Austin and Luca have known each other their entire lives. I think that helps Luca trust him more easily.”
Understanding lights up Theo’s face. “I see what you’re saying. But he’s so… happy.”
“He is.” Theo opens his mouth like I’ve proved his point, so I hold a finger up. “But Luca doesn’t have depression.”
His shoulder sinks, and his finger pauses on mine.
“That doesn’t make him better than you,” I continue softly.
“Depression isn’t a character flaw, Theo.
It’s an illness. And just like diabetes or asthma or…
” I trail off, not sure what else to compare it to.
“High blood pressure. My dad had high blood pressure. He took meds every single morning. It didn’t make him less than.
It made him someone with an illness that he needed treatment for. ”
Theo studies me for a second before he starts back up with rubbing my finger. “So you don’t think Luca is ahead of me?”
I shake my head. “No. I think you’re runnin’ different races with different circumstances and different weights attached to your backs.”
He nods resolutely. “Okay. You’re right. I’ll text him. Tomorrow, though.”
“Still feeling up to a shower?”
Theo nods. “Yeah, probably a quick one. But yeah.” He drops his eyes, watching his finger move across mine. “Can I wear your clothes to bed?”
My heart thuds. A truck full of his clothes, and he still wants to be in mine. “Course. You gotta give me my hand back so I can get them, though.”
He huffs out a breath that almost, almost sounds like a laugh, then moves his hand off mine.
When he’s showered and dressed in my clothes, his damp hair curling over his forehead, he shuts off the big light and slips into bed beside me.
He takes a second to get settled, pulling the blankets up around him and snuggling deeper into them. When he’s comfortable, he looks at me. “Thank you.”
I shake my head with a smile. “You gotta stop thanking me, sweetheart.”
Scooting closer, he rests his head on my pillow and presses his thighs against mine. “This okay?” he whispers.
“Mhm.”
His fingers land on my chest as my eyes slip closed. I’m already half asleep, my body warm and heavy in that in-between space, when Theo whispers my name.
“Yeah?” I whisper back.
“Do you ever think about that kiss in the barn?” he asks. “Or do you just think about our fight after?”
My throat tightens, remembering the fight. I made so many wrong choices. I wish I could take them back. “I think about that kiss all the time.”
He goes quiet, and his breathing evens out.
“I’d like to do it again,” he says softly.
I nearly laugh. “Fight with me?”
He huffs. “No. Kiss you.”
My heart tumbles over itself, but I don’t want to make him feel pressured. I really didn’t think that would be a possibility anytime soon. “Whenever you’re ready, sweetheart.”
There’s a hitch in his breath, and warm lips land on mine. It surprises me enough that I startle, a small sound vibrating in my throat.
Theo pulls back, murmuring apologies, so I open my eyes and cup the back of his head. He doesn’t fight me for even a heartbeat as I draw him back to me.
His soft lips settle on mine as I slide my fingers into his hair.
Unlike the kiss in the barn, this one is slow and careful. Theo whimpers against my lips, and I shift so I can pull him closer. Parting my lips, I give him the choice to deepen it.
He does. His tongue comes out tentatively, brushing my bottom lip before slipping past them both and sweeping into my mouth. This time, he moans, and I echo the sound.
That’s as far as it goes. Just a slow, sleepy kiss. It’s promise and trust and hope all in one, and I never want to give this up. Give him up.
Finally, he pulls away with a soft sigh, resting his forehead on mine.
“Goodnight, Hunter,” he whispers against my lips.
“Goodnight, sweetheart,” I whisper back, my heart hammering.
With one more gentle press of his lips to mine, he shifts, snuggling into my side and resting his head over my heart.
Can he hear how hard it’s beating?
Does this feel as natural to him as it does to me?
I wrap my arm around him, and within minutes, his weight grows heavier and his breathing evens out. The steady rise and fall of his back under my palm lulls me to sleep.