Chapter 25
Theo
I sign into my therapy appointment with more energy than I had for the last one, but still not nearly enough.
I want to get help. I do. I want medication. I want to be happy—not just barely making it, but actually happy. I want to reach out and touch it. I want it to take the place of the agony that lives inside of me now.
“Theo.” Charlotte smiles at me.
She’s been my therapist since right after I divorced Damien.
I know sometimes it takes a while to find someone you click with.
That was not my experience with her. I’m not sure if it was because she has a calming presence—she does—or if it was simply because I needed someone, anyone, to talk to about Damien, and she was the first person I came across.
I try to smile back. “Hi.”
“How have you been since our last appointment?”
I shrug, thankful we’re doing this virtually and not in person. “Not… great?”
“Okay,” she says. “Where would you like to start?”
“So I lost my job, and then I got evicted. Or, well, I’m getting evicted. And now I’m staying with Hunter.”
I think most people would be looking at me with concern. Not Charlotte. Professional as ever, she clicks her pen and sits up a little straighter. “Is this a good move, you think?”
“I like him.”
She nods. “From what you’ve told me, it seems like he’s been a good friend to you the last few months.”
My stomach flips. He has. A good friend and so much more. He’s kind of been everything to me the last few months. Would I even be alive right now if not for him? Would I have self-isolated into nothing? Would I have jumped? I don’t know. I’d like to think I wouldn’t have.
“He has been. But I—” I glance around, even though I don’t need to. Hunter kissed my forehead and told me he was going to the barn while I was at my appointment. I have full trust that he wouldn’t be lurking outside the door or anything. “I think it might be more than that.”
At least for me. I think for Hunter too. But who knows? I’m… fragile right now, I think. And even though I can’t see him kissing me or cuddling with me or letting me sleep in his bed out of obligation… well, you just never really know, I guess.
Charlotte doesn’t give anything away. “This is the first time since Damien that you’ve developed feelings for someone. How are you handling that?”
I sigh. “I’m worried that he might be doing stuff for me out of obligation.”
“And what obligation would that be?” Charlotte asks.
Well, here goes nothing. “I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. I almost jumped off the parking garage after our last appointment.”
For a split second, she seems shocked, but she schools her reaction quickly. “Okay, and are you still having suicidal thoughts? Are we still in the danger zone?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so. But that’s what I’m talking about.
I didn’t jump. Instead, I just drove straight to Hunter’s house.
It’s a ten-hour drive. I just… I thought he would help me, and I was right.
He did. But what if he’s only doing all this because he’s worried I might off myself if he doesn’t? ”
She hums. “Has he given you any reason to think that might be the case?”
“No.”
“Have you talked to him about any of this?” Charlotte asks.
I shake my head. It’s not that I don’t want to. More like I’m terrified that the answer might be that he doesn’t feel the same about me. “What if I’m too fucked up to even know what I’m feeling?”
“Theo, I know you aren’t insinuating that people who suffer from depression are incapable of finding long-term, healthy relationships.”
I guess I kind of was. In a roundabout way. “Not really, but kind of.”
She purses her lips. “That’s a lie your brain is telling you. Many people with depression live long and happy lives with their partners. There are hard times, but that’s true for everyone. I worry the biggest issue here might be that you think you don’t deserve that.”
My eyes burn, but I’m not going to spend another therapy session crying. “I don’t know what I deserve. But I’d like to think I deserve him.”
“I think you need to have an open, honest conversation with him. You do well managing your lingering triggers from Damien, but you still struggle with your self-worth.”
“Yeah,” I sigh. “I know. Can I ask you something?”
She nods. “Of course.”
“How do I go about getting antidepressants?” For the second time today, she looks surprised. “I want to feel still. I don’t want to be a zombie, though, and I don’t want to lose my sex drive. I just… I want to be happy. Or at least not have to fight so hard just to be… a person.”
She sits forward in her chair, her eyes betraying her happiness with this development. I really have been fighting her over the idea of medication for so long. I want to do better, though. For myself. Hunter’s right. I deserve better.
Hunter’s brushing Molls when I make it to the barn after my appointment. When he sees me, a breathtaking smile spreads across his face. “Hey, how are you?”
“I’m okay. I talked to her about meds.”
Hunter’s eyes light up. “Yeah? That’s amazing, sweetheart. What did she say?”
Stepping in front of Lucky, I hold my hand out to him. I don’t think he likes me as much as Molls does, but he still presses his face into my palm and lets me rub his neck.
“She gave me a referral to see someone about medication. I have an appointment in two days.” I can’t look at him right now, so I keep petting Lucky.
His ears twitch as I run my fingers over his strong neck.
“You’re such a pretty boy,” I whisper. “Anyway, she said they have medication that won’t affect my sex drive, so that’s good. ”
Just like last time, Hunter laughs. It doesn’t feel like he’s making fun of me for being concerned with such a trivial thing, which is nice. “That’s very important,” he says, not even a hint of mocking in his voice.
I happen to agree. Especially considering I’d very much like to be having sex again. Soon. With him. If he wants to. With a sigh, I turn to him. There’s no way he’s gonna let me get by with not making eye contact, so I don’t even bother trying.
“So, can I talk to you about something?”
Hunter nods. “Course.”
“Do you like me?”
He cocks his head as his lips twitch. “Yeah. Of course I do.”
Dammit. I should have asked that better. “No, I mean, like, do you—”
“Have feelings for you?” Hunter asks, cutting me off. “Also yes.”
My heart kicks against my ribs as my stomach flips. “Yeah?”
His lips curve into a smile. “Yeah.”
I blow out a breath. “I think I just worried that maybe you were… I don’t know… doing all this because you felt obligated to.”
“Obligated?” he asks, stepping away from Molls and hanging the brush on a hook.
I nod. “Yeah. I showed up and basically dumped all my bullshit on you. I feel like it might be hard to tell the suicidal dude you aren’t interested.”
Hunter moves closer to me, tipping my chin back with a finger under my jaw. “I wouldn’t tell you that. It’s just not true. I’ve been interested since you stepped out of your car on that very first day.”
“Even though you knew?”
He nods, eyes roaming my face. “Even though I knew. I’ll admit, at first I just thought you were hot. And I wanted to help Mom out by helping you get in and stuff.”
That makes me smile, and it feels easy. Feels like it reaches my eyes too. Hunter’s face lights up. “Damn, that’s beautiful. But then I got to know you better, and the more we did together on the farm, the more I liked you.”
“Same,” I whisper, afraid that if I talk any louder, he’ll decide he’s wrong. It’s a stupid fear, but fear isn’t always logical.
He brushes my hair off my forehead with a smile. “You’re an amazing person, Theo. So much more than you give yourself credit for. Even when you’re having bad days, you have such a magnetic personality. I enjoy being around you.”
“I enjoy being around you too.”
His eyes meet mine, then drop to my mouth before they lift again. “I’d really like to kiss you, Theo.” My heartbeat picks up, thundering in my ears. “And not because you’re an obligation.”
“Yeah, okay.”
His lips quirk into a smile. “Convincing.”
We’re getting closer now, our lips a breath away. I can feel each of his soft exhales, and even though my eyes are still open, I can barely see him for how close he is. “I want that too.” My tongue darts out, wetting my lower lip.
I haven’t been sexually attracted to anyone in a long time.
Not because of trauma or Damien, but because I’ve been fighting so hard to survive.
Or maybe because I was waiting for something.
For someone. Him. But now? Now, I can feel the stirrings of arousal deep in my gut.
In ways I haven’t felt in a long time. In ways that feel like a piece of dry tinder just waiting for a small spark to ignite.
Hunter’s nose brushes mine, and my breath punches out of my lungs. If he’s trying to build tension, it’s working.
“Fuck,” I whisper. “Please.”
Every time we’ve kissed, it’s been me initiating, and I think part of me needs this one to be him. I need to believe he wants me too. I need to feel it.
The second his lips connect with mine, the spark ignites. His arm hooks around my waist, pulling me flush against him as his tongue slips past my lips. I open for him instantly, my eyes falling shut as heat explodes through my body.
His grip on me stays firm, and when he slides a hand into my hair, I have to swallow a gasp.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt this much. My mind and body have been so numb for so long that even jacking off felt like too much, and it takes me a second to realize that I’m achingly hard. That my cock is pulsing and that I’m rubbing it against him with abandon as he all but devours me.
I’ve never been kissed like this in my entire life.
Hunter pulls me in tighter, using his grip on me to help me rub against him. But only for a second before he pulls back. “Wait, hang on.”
I inhale a gasping breath as my cock, sticky with pre-cum, pulses hard. “What’s wrong?”
Does he not want this after all?