Chapter 23
“It’s nice to meet you, Noah.”
Noah dragged his gaze from the small rectangular window to the older doctor with the silver hair. Noah had made the one-hour drive from Amber Ridge to Bozeman for this appointment because he’d wanted to meet the doctor in person.
His office was different from Toby’s. There was more stuff in the room—books filled the shelves. Photos and knickknacks sat on the desk. Throw pillows filled the worn leather couch.
“It’s nice to meet you too,” he finally answered.
The doctor pushed his black-rimmed glasses up his nose before lowering a pen to his notebook. “Can you tell me why you’re here?”
“Because I feel like I’m trapped between two places. One minute, I’m in Amber Ridge, the next, something snaps and I’m back in Iraq, being held prisoner in a concrete cell.”
“What happens in the cell?”
“I have to watch my teammate die. I have to feel that same helplessness in my bones.”
“Is this just during the day?”
“No. Night too.”
“That sounds terrifying.” He cocked his head. “Did you have a nightmare last night?”
“I have nightmares every night. The only time I don’t is…”
The doctor waited a beat, then asked, “The only time you don’t is when?”
“When Addison’s with me.” The second he said her name, he felt that familiar ache in his chest. The same one he felt any time he thought about her.
His bushy white eyebrows pulled together. “Who’s Addison?”
“Mark’s daughter.”
“No, who’s Addison to you?”
Noah looked out the window again, focused on a branch that was blowing in the wind. He didn’t even know how to answer that question. “She works at a park that my friend and I run. And I love her.”
“She’s your girlfriend?”
“She was. I told her I needed a break.”
The doctor tilted his head. “Why would you give someone up who was helping you? She was helping you, wasn’t she?”
“She was the only thing that helped. But it wasn’t fair to her. I’m not in control when I have flashbacks, and if I ever hurt her…” The muscles in his forearms tightened.
Dr. Burton leaned forward slightly. “Do you know what your nightmares and flashbacks are?”
“A hell I can’t escape?”
“They’re your brain trying to process an experience that you didn’t know if you’d survive. Your brain is trying to make sense of what happened to you and find safety again. But right now, you’re stuck in a loop.”
“So how do I get out of the loop? Because I’m going to be honest, I’ve been in this seat before, and it didn’t help.”
“Yes, I’m your third therapist,” the doctor said quietly. “But you’re here anyway, which means you must have some faith I can help you.”
Either that or he was desperate.
“I’m going to make you a promise right now, Noah.
You will feel safe again. The nightmares might feel real, but it’s you who’s in control.
It’s always been you.” He slid a piece of paper across the wooden coffee table between them.
“In a second, I’m going to ask you to write down your last nightmare.
Then read it. Then re-write it, but in a safer, more empowering way. ”
“How will that help?”
“It will help teach your brain that it’s not happening anymore. You’re not in danger. You survived. It’s going to make you feel more in control and reduce the power that nightmare has over you.”
He stared at the piece of paper, white and empty. He wanted to believe it would help, but he was almost scared to believe that he could get better, in case that hope crashed and died.
“But first”—Burton sat back—“tell me more about Addison.”
His gaze shot up at the mention of her name. “I already told you, I asked for a break.”
“Did she want the break?”
“No. It hurt her.” The pain on her face flashed through his mind. Hell, it had been damn near all he could think about for the last week.
“But you did it anyway.”
“To protect her.”
“From you?”
“Yes.” Fuck yes. “From the person I become when I have no control.”
“Have you ever hurt her?”
Noah swallowed the lump in his throat. “No, but there have been a few close calls.”
The doctor nodded slowly. “Do you want to know what I think?”
“Isn’t that why I’m paying you?”
A half smile curved the doctor’s mouth. “I don’t think these nightmares and flashbacks make you dangerous. I think perhaps you tell yourself that as a form of punishment. Maybe because you survived what happened in Iraq…and someone else didn’t.”
Noah inhaled sharply. The guilt of Boone’s death sat on his chest, so fucking heavy he couldn’t breathe. It could have been him. It should have been him. “I don’t know how to live with the guilt.”
“You carry the guilt because you care. Because you loved your teammate. But that doesn’t make his death your fault.
Punishing yourself doesn’t bring anyone back.
It just buries you right alongside them.
Just like suffering by yourself doesn’t make you stronger.
It just makes you more alone.” The doctor cocked his head.
“If you love her, it should be her choice whether she wants to sit with you in this tough time.”
Noah’s heart started to beat faster, the idea that he could have her while he wasn’t fixed or healed or whole so enticing that his fingers ached to reach out and grab it.
“Remember, the best way to honor the ones we love is to live a life that honors them.” Burton set a pen on top of the paper. “I’d really love to learn your story.”
With shaky fingers, Noah lifted the paper and pen. This was it. This was the start of the end of his hell.
It had to be.
An hour later, Noah stepped outside and breathed a lungful of fresh air. He felt raw and vulnerable, but there was also a hope inside him that hadn’t been there before.
Hope for him and Addie.
Hope that there was a way forward for them together.
As he drove home, he told himself not to get too excited. He’d felt good after his first appointment with Toby too, but progress had stalled, then stopped pretty damn quickly.
When he reached Amber Ridge, he didn’t go straight home. Instead, he went to the adventure park as a way to fill his time and not obsess about Addie the entire day.
In the parking lot, he climbed out and headed down the path, only to frown when he saw Jules inside her van.
What was she doing here?
Her back was turned, and she looked to be digging through her small fridge.
“Jules.”
She screeched and spun before grabbing her chest. “Holy cheese balls, Noah, you scared the life out of me!”
“Sorry, I thought you heard me coming.”
She shook her head. “Nope. I was reading use-by dates. What are you doing here?”
“I’m going to clean some equipment.”
She nodded, not even a glimpse of a smile on her face. “Okay.”
“Did you ever find that photo you were looking for?”
Pain etched her features, but then she blinked and it was gone. “No. Hopefully it turns up.”
She started to turn.
“Jules.”
There was the smallest tensing of her shoulders before she turned back. “Yes?”
“I know it was you. And it’s okay.”
For a moment, her eyes flared, but then she blinked. “You know what was me?”
“You told the deputy what you heard me talking to Colt about the day we found Rhett.”
She shuffled her feet, her cheeks going red. “I just thought they should know.”
“Do you think I killed him?”
There was a short silence before she answered. “Honestly? I don’t know. Probably not. But I’ve come to care about Addie. And I don’t want her getting hurt.”
“I feel the same way. If you’re not comfortable working here anymore—”
“No, I want to work here.”
“Good.”
“I’m—” She stopped and touched her head, her brows drawing together like she was in pain.
He frowned. “Hey, are you all right?”
“Just a headache.”
“Maybe you should go home and lie down.”
“When I’m done here.”
Noah nodded and stepped back. “Okay. I’ll leave you to it. Come find me if you need anything.”
He turned and headed into the mountains. He waited until he was a good distance from the food van before pulling his phone from his pocket and calling Jesse.
“Noah, hey. What’s going on?”
“Have you looked into Jules at all?”
“Just a basic background check. Why?”
“She touched her head and…I’m ninety-nine percent sure her hair’s a wig.”
“Noah, wearing a wig is hardly against the law. There could be a whole number of reasons for it.”
“I know. I just…let’s keep an eye on her. Please.”
Addie checked on the patrol car through her living room window. It was almost always there.
It made her feel safe but also guilty as hell. This was a small town. There weren’t a huge number of law enforcement officers to go around.
In the kitchen, she set her hot chocolate on the counter to call the sheriff’s station.
“Amber Ridge Sheriff’s Department, Janet speaking.”
“Hi, Janet, this is Addison March. I was wondering if I could speak to Jesse.”
“Is this an emergency?”
“Well, no, but—”
“He’s very busy. If this isn’t—”
“Please, can you just tell him it’s me? I guarantee he’ll take the call.” Okay, she couldn’t guarantee it, but she was hopeful.
The woman sighed. “Please hold.”
There was a faint click, and the line went quiet. Ten seconds later, Jesse’s voice came over the line. “Addie? Is everything okay?”
“Jesse. Hi. Yes, it’s fine, but I just wanted to tell you that you don’t need to waste your resources by putting a deputy on my home.”
“Addie, someone was murdered. And they left you a direct threat with the body.”
She swallowed, her gaze going to the window again. “I know, but I’ve got an alarm on my house now, and new locks.”
“It’s not enough. Look, we’ve got a new lead we’re following up on. And there’s at least some good news…the coroner has given us a time of death, which was early hours of the morning. That rules Noah out as a suspect.”
Thank God.
“We’re doing everything we can to get to the bottom of this,” he continued. “For now, I’m going to keep the deputy outside your house. Noah would kill me if anything happened to you.”
Was that the same Noah who hadn’t talked to her in days? “Okay.” She lifted her warm drink again. “I really appreciate everything you’re doing.”