41. Misely
forty-one
Misely
I n the past, I could definitely be described as rash and irresponsible. I made choices for attention and I made choices to stir the pot, regardless of consequences. There was a good chance that those choices were made in the heat of the moment. But over the year that had passed since Birdie and I shared our tiny apartment, I had done my best to learn from those past mistakes and make a concentrated effort to get my shit together.
Birdie and I were wandering through the grocery store picking up things she thought we needed for dinner when the first inkling of panic set in. Turning down the pharmacy aisle, she made an absent comment about picking up some extra tampons.
She grabbed a box off the shelf and then looked to me. “Do you need anything over here? I hope we haven’t been apart so long that our cycles have un-synced.” Her laugh tapered off when she registered my visibly paling expression. A dark realization was clouding over me like a thunderstorm, anxiety setting a buzz of locusts in my gut. Up until this point, our day had been wonderful, despite the turbulent arrival the night before. Now, all the optimism of the day had been washed away as a horrible realization darkened my mood to an obsidian pit.
In my hurry to get my belongings packed for this impromptu road trip, I had remembered all of my essentials. I had remembered coordinating socks, and heels. I had remembered my skincare, and four different shades of eyeliner. I had remembered to bring all my matching sleep masks and my rose scented cuticle oil. But the one thing that should have been prioritized, was still sitting on the bathroom counter at my apartment in Chicago.
“When are we due again?” I asked, hearing the fear in my voice. Her brows drew in.
“Day after next. What’s wrong?” She knew though, I could see it in her eyes. Taking my hand without another word, we rounded the corner to the next aisle.
I could not draw in a full breath the entire drive back to her cabin, air burning my throat when I forced it into my lungs. She dragged me to the bathroom, and shoved the bag filled with tests into my hands. There were no harsh words, no disappointed looks, just support. Any of the former would’ve been warranted.
“I’ll be right here.”
If I hadn’t felt sick before, I felt sick now.
“How could I be so stupid?” I whimpered, barely able to force the words out as I shut the door behind me. My fingers struggled to rip open the boxes with all their shaking. “I never miss a pill. How did I forget a whole week?!”
I peed on as many of the sticks as I could, setting them along the edge of the tub. I couldn’t watch. Washing my hands, I went back out to where Birdie sat at her kitchen table, wide eyed and anxious. My stomach rolled with my panic. Could a test even come back positive this early? “You’re not stupid Mize, you’re under a lot of stress. Besides, it's not like you expected there would be sex involved after Talon showed up.” That was true enough, but it failed to make me feel any better.
“Still. I’m always under a lot of stress, I work in the foster care industry. I never miss a pill. My parents went without contraception and ended up with seven damned kids, I know better.”
Birdie guided me to sit down, kneading my shoulders gently. “I’m hoping borderline kidnapping isn’t a part of your routine stress, but still—accidents happen, Mize.”
“Sure, but there are things we do to prevent said accidents. Like gee , I don’t know, remembering to take the birth control you’ve taken religiously since you were sixteen. Or even thinking to use a condom! Birdie, I’m the one who initiated sex. I should have been the more responsible party.”
“It’s still a two-way street,” she said firmly, squeezing the muscles at my shoulders more firmly as if to express her point better. On a softer note, she asked, “So it would definitely be Talon’s?”
“Yes,” I said it without hesitation. After all, he was the only one I had been so reckless with. From the very beginning, the man had all my wires crossed and I couldn’t think straight. Which would be a great excuse if we were in high school, like horny little teenagers. But we weren’t. We were two fully grown adults, and one of us had already created a child by accident. And look how well that was going. I groaned with frustration, burying my face in my hands.
Birdie’s hands continued their gentle ministrations. “I know it goes against everything you had planned; career, husband, home, then kids. But would it really be so bad?”
I scoffed, giving her a look of disbelief. “You can’t be serious.”
She gave my shoulders another squeeze before coming around to sit across from me. “I don’t know. But I do know that you’ll be a good mother.”
Despite the ever-growing dread in my gut, her words warmed me a fraction. “I appreciate your faith in me. But what about Talon?”
“Do you think he’d be a present father?” Her question remained blissfully free of judgment.
The panic swirled again regardless. “I don’t know. Leo doesn’t even know he exists, and I understand why, but that’s not what I would want for my own baby.”
“For their father to protect them, even at great personal cost?”
That stung because she was right. Talon wasn’t a deadbeat, he was doing what he thought was in the best interest of Leo. It was not selfish or malicious in any sense. And yet the idea of replicating the same scenario made the nausea turn my stomach yet again.
“Talon and I haven’t even had the chance to have a real conversation about us, about a relationship. All we have done is fuck and fight.”
Birdie quirked an eyebrow, leaning back and crossing her arms over her chest. “I think you’re probably downplaying it a little bit there, friend.”
I shook my head. “But I’m not. I care about him and there’s this part of me that…” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and let myself forget about the pregnancy tests processing on the edge of the tub in the other room. I let myself forget about the guilt of stabbing Birdie in the back and the doubts I was plagued with.
I let myself feel for a moment, just a small moment, all the things I felt for the man who pushed into my apartment only a week before. The man who sat in front of me and told me I deserved respect, the man who stood up for me to my best friend, of all people. I opened my eyes and met Birdie’s.
“There’s a part of me that aches when I think about going our separate ways when this is all over. A part of me that is scared to have a conversation with Talon about whatever the hell it is that we’ve been doing because I am terrified if I try to put a name to it, he will end it. It was easy for Kenna to walk away from Talon and raise Leo on her own with nothing but financial support because they were just a one-night stand. There were no feelings between them.”
Birdie’s eyes shimmered but I held as steady as I could.
"Talon says Kenna moved on; she got married, she had another kid, she's happy. Leo is none the wiser, and he is happy.”
“And you don’t think you could be too?” My friend swept aggressively at her cheeks, failing to keep me from seeing the tears that slid down them.
“He's not like James, Birdie.” I heard the first sign of a quiver in my voice and it wasn't just the fear of seeing the results of the tests. It was fear of facing my feelings for Talon and him walking away like everybody else had.
“James is not the sun.”
“No,” I said, “He’s not. I wouldn’t be able to move on. Not this time.”
“Misely, I just think—”
“This shouldn’t even be happening right now.” I let my head fall back and I sighed. “All these years, when I thought about having a baby, this was not what it was supposed to feel like.”
I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end before I heard the deep timbre of his voice.
“What baby?”