Chapter 16 Snow
SNOW
“Don’t you dare take that away from me!”
I need him to stop talking before he ruins the only good thing that exists in my life right now.
Try as I might, I lose control.
The tears come like a wave and I can’t hold in my sob even as I clutch my hands to my mouth.
“Snow?” Xander’s voice softens, losing its scolding edge. “I… I’m sorry. I’m not trying to take anything away from you, but I see the correlation. I was too relaxed with you, taking too many risks.”
“No!” I gasp between my fingers. “You don’t understand!”
“Then… then talk to me. Help me understand because right now, all I see is that my desire for you has fed into a streak of you putting yourself in danger and others at risk.”
“It’s not true, it’s not! What we have, what we’ve done is the only good thing I have going for me right now, okay, and I just…”
Suddenly, Xander’s too close.
His kitchen is too small and he’s far too close.
He steps out of my way when I push past him and slide off the counter, pacing to the other side of the island counter until my breathing feels less restricted.
“I knew him,” I gasp. “Dickson. I didn’t know it until I saw him, but I knew him.
He came to my apartment once and he attacked me because he was looking for Caleb.
And Caleb was hiding in my closet the entire time!
I didn’t know his name then, but Caleb was in debt to him.
That’s where my money went. Caleb stole it to pay that bastard, and I was so angry but as soon as I saw him, I felt like I was back in my apartment up against a wall with nowhere to go.
And he was saying all these things about how I could fuck him to earn my money back. ”
Xander stiffens on the other side of the counter, and he takes a half-step toward me, then he thinks better of it.
I’m grateful. The last thing I need right in this moment is to be touched.
“And when he was talking, all I could hear was Caleb. All the shit he used to say when he was angry, and how sweet he could be when he was just looking to get laid. So I got angry and he talked and talked and when he reached for me, I hit him with that lamp, and it felt so good that it scared me because… because…”
The tears come thicker and faster, as if something’s unlocked inside me and all my grief about Caleb’s death and more is finally free to surface.
“I said horrible things to Caleb the last night I saw him. We argued so much and I said the most horrible things, and then he went and stole from me and then he died. He died! And I can’t help but think if I hadn’t said those things then he would still be alive! So it felt good to lash out.”
Each word drags raw from my throat, trembling between each ragged gasp I manage to breathe as I pace back and forth.
“I said those things and then he went out and he died! And it hurts, but I don’t understand why because he was so horrible to me, but I feel so guilty!
And my money is gone so I can’t go and see my family, and my friends didn’t like Caleb so they were glad when I told them and I feel so alone!
It’s like this hole is opening up inside me to the point that I can’t breathe and I thought I was dying, and then I got stuck by that needle and my entire life hinges on the results. And then you came along!”
I meet his gaze and his handsome face blurs through my tears.
Despite that, the sympathetic warmth in his eyes radiates like the warm glow of the sun and the tight pain in my chest throbs deeper.
“And you’re kind and so hot and so warm and you were interested in me and it made me feel like I had worth again.
So don’t you dare stand there and say that what we did, what you did was a bad thing, you hear me?
It’s the only good thing I have. It’s the only—” Sobs cut me off and my hands rise to my face as I bury my tears in my palms. “M–My life is crumbling and you’re the only nice thing I have left! ”
The air around me warms as I sob. When I finally lift my head, Xander stands an inch away from me, gazing down.
“Snow.”
“Don’t,” I gasp. “Don’t tell me that you regret it.
Or that we should stop or that it doesn’t mean anything, because I can’t take it.
I can’t, not now! I like you too much for that, but I acted for myself.
Just me. All I was thinking about was getting my money back, as if that would make everything better, but it wasn’t because of you, okay? It wasn’t.”
Suddenly, Xander’s arms engulf me and the urge to be alone melts away.
I sink into his hold and clutch at his T-shirt with my fist, gripping on as I weep against his shoulder.
There’s no stopping me.
My grief about Caleb claws out of me, my despair at the theft, my pain at my parents’ being indifferent to my absence and the creeping loneliness that my life is in shambles.
It all pours out of me and into Xander’s chest.
He holds me, unwavering, through all of it until I’m left with nothing but dry hiccups and raw eyes.
“Drink this.” Xander slides a fresh mug of tea in front of me.
I give him a weak smile. “I’m so embarrassed.”
“Why?” He leans on the counter next to me and watches me.
“I basically just told you that getting fingered by you is the highlight of my pathetic, crumbling life.”
“I have good fingers,” Xander says softly.
“But… I am sorry. It was thoughtless of me to accuse you of being so reckless, or to place myself as the reason when you’re already going through so much.
I need you to understand, though, that what happened to Caleb was not your fault.
He made those choices, not you. He stole from you and if he had a debt to pay, then I am sure he already planned to take that money for that night.
” Xander sucks in a slow breath as if he’s working within himself to stay calm.
“I was… scared for you, Snow. You mean a lot to me, and that’s also alarming because… ”
“Because we work together?” I sniffle and drink my tea.
“Partly. From everything you’ve said… am I wrong to suggest that I’m not the only one who feels this way?”
“That this is more than just sex?” I’m almost too scared to look him in the eye. “Are you about to tell me you think we should stop?”
“Not at all. When I was driving to you, all I could think about was that I couldn’t define you well enough to explain why I was feeling all those things.
It’s a discredit to call it just sex when you’re going through all of this.
But to put a label on things feels like too much pressure.
I want to be here for you, Snow. I want to help in any way you’ll let me. ”
I finally gain the courage to look him in the eye.
He’s gazing at me with softness I don’t feel worthy of.
Everything I touch crumbles.
Everyone I care for leaves.
How can I put that same weight on Xander, knowing that he, too, will eventually leave?
“For how long?” I ask quietly.
“For as long as you’ll have me.”
“So if I say yes… you won’t be mad at me anymore?”
“I’m not angry at you, Snow. I never was. Frustration is different. But… there are more factors to consider before you commit to a decision.”
“Like?” My heart starts to race. How can he act like he wants me in one breath and then prepare to present however many reasons against it in the other?
“Any relationship between us breaks the rules. Sex between colleagues is risky enough, but anything more? It risks both our careers. There’s a terrible power imbalance between our positions and I’m older than you by more than a margin.”
Despite the seriousness in his voice, I smile. “Your age doesn’t bother me. I think it’s hot. I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to feel the touch of a real man.”
Xander’s lips twitch. “I’m also your doctor. In some ways, that’s an even more serious breach than our working together.”
Everything he says rings true, but the more he lists the risks and reasons we should stay away from one another, the harder I want to cling to this one good thing in my life with all my strength.
Even if Xander’s destined to crumble like everything else in my life, there’s still some time to enjoy him. And this.
Swallowing hard around the lump my tears left, I nod. “I understand. There are a lot of reasons we should stay apart and not take this further. But at the same time…” I press my lips together and my gaze wanders over his face.
The more time I spend with him, the more I notice the little things.
The flecks of gold in his eyes, the subtle twitch at the corner of his mouth, the subtle rise of his brows.
He keeps everything close to his chest and I’m close enough to see it now.
And he came for me.
He abandoned his work and hunted me down, bursting into that apartment like some kind of hero with no plan other than to save me.
It was hot. Too hot.
I don’t want to give that up. Not yet.
“I need this,” I whisper. “I don’t want it to sound like an obligation because everything else is so terrible, but the days I’ve spent with you? The excitement and the sex, even from afar… and the fact that you make me feel seen… please. I don’t want to lose this.”
Xander’s brow dips faintly, and then he returns to his case and retrieves a fresh dissolvable stitch. “Do you truly understand what you’re asking?”
“I do. If we keep this a secret, then we can have all the fun we want, right? If we like each other and value each other enough to protect this secret, then we’re safe and no one gets hurt.”
Xander turns to me and lightly grasps my chin with his cool fingers.
With his other hand, he carefully applies the stitch over the split on my lower lip.
This close, his touch is electrifying.
Over and over in my head, I replay the look of anger on his face when he burst into that room.
It was one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen and I will do anything to keep this for as long as I can.
To keep him.
The stitch settles into place, and Xander caresses my jaw for a second, then he nods. “You’re lucky I like you.”
“I am?” Breaking the rules will cost him so much more, given how he’s in the position of power over me in more than one regard.
But it’s just as hot that he doesn’t care.
“If we do this, we do it properly. At least until your results are back. And no more reckless meetings with strangers. It doesn’t matter who they are, understand?”
The firmness in his voice sends tingles up and down my arms and legs while I nod. “I won’t. I promise.”
“And no more sex.”
“What?” My heart jumps.
“I want you to take some time to breathe, Snow. Get your head together. I’m not going anywhere, but I care about you and I will support you in whatever you need to do.
Today was terrifying in how quickly you could have vanished so please, for me, take some time. Gather your thoughts. Anchor yourself.”
Despite how much I hate to hear it, it also soothes me to hear the warmth in his voice. I roll my eyes softly and then sigh. “I know. You’re right.” As his hand falls away from my chin, I daringly catch his wrist. “You’ll still be here, though, right?”
Xander glances down and swivels his wrist until he takes my hand. Palm to palm, his fingers slot perfectly between mine. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”