Chapter 20 Snow
SNOW
Is this what happiness feels like?
Two days after getting my test results, I stand in the middle of my apartment and gaze around at the mess Caleb left behind.
Oddly, this place doesn’t feel like home anymore.
Even my room didn’t feel like my room despite all my stuff still being there.
Being at Xander’s place put me in a bubble where the outside world didn’t matter, and that worked while I was waiting for results that were surely going to change my life.
Instead, they opened my eyes to what I really want.
Xander.
While he’s happy for me to stay as long as I want to, I’m still paying rent on this place and cleaning it up is the first step in ending my lease early and getting rid of this money sink.
Xander’s already done so much for me, including fucking me so hard that the entire world feels different.
He’d probably be right beside me helping me clean if I asked.
I can’t, though, not just because he’s working.
This is my mess to clean.
If only Caleb hadn’t spent the past six months making this place look like a garbage site.
Massaging my temples, I gaze around the living room and formulate a plan of what to tackle first.
The faster I’m out of here, the better, especially since Dickson knows about this place and I don’t need him coming looking for revenge after I hit him with that lamp.
“Alright.” Clapping my hands together, I glance out the window at the falling snow.
The town is turning into a winter wonderland, and with the pretty decorations going up at the hospital and my heart full from Xander, this might be the first Christmas I’ve looked forward to for a long time.
Three hours later, the snow is four inches thick on the ground, and my living room is trash-free.
Several trash bags sit by the front door ready to be taken outside.
I’ve scrubbed as many stains from the furniture as I can, wiped down and disinfected every surface within reach, vacuumed and dusted, and I found a stash of cash hidden inside a hole in the couch.
All those times Caleb lied through his teeth about having no money when he had five hundred dollars stashed.
Asshole.
Wiping a bead of sweat from my brow, I glance around the living room with a satisfied smile.
The place is almost unrecognizable in the best way.
Next is the kitchen.
As I walk through, stifling a yawn, my phone bursts into life and Xander’s face flashes up on the screen.
“Hello?”
“Hi, darling,” Xander says, and my heart flutters rapidly in my chest. “How is the cleaning going?”
Every time he calls me darling, I melt a little bit more. Leaning against the kitchen counter, I gaze outside at the beautifully crisp white world. “It’s going. Took me three hours to clean up the living room. Is that gross?”
“Given how you’ve described living with Caleb, I’m not surprised,” Xander replies. “I’m about to go in for surgery, but I wanted to check in on you and hear your voice.”
“Careful, Xander. That’s bordering on sickly romantic,” I say as my lips pull into a warm smile.
“Are you against sickly romantic?”
“Only when you’re not here to do any kind of follow-up.”
“I would be there if I could,” he says. “Don’t stay too long.”
“Are you worried about me?”
“No, I’m worried about my cats as they’ve grown attached to you.”
“Wait, really?” My stomach tightens faintly.
Xander chuckles. “Of course not, but if I can’t be sweet without follow up then I guess I’ll just have to keep our phone conversations strictly business.”
Relief floods through me so fast that my cheeks warm. “I mean, anticipation is part of the fun, right?”
“Indeed.” Another voice rises up distantly and Xander grunts. “They’re waiting for me. Call me when you’re done?”
“Even if you’re still in surgery?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. See ya.”
The kitchen grows a little colder once the call ends.
I hug the device to my chest and chew on the corner of my mouth, replaying our activities in the on-call room in my mind.
How no one found us is beyond me because Xander fucked so hard that the entire hospital must have heard us.
My core tightens faintly at the memory of his being inside me. It was everything I’d dreamed of and yet so much more.
So much better than my exes, for sure.
Setting my phone next to the kettle, I spend the next hour cleaning out the kitchen until I run out of trash bags.
The cupboards were filled with junk and packaging stuffed to the back rather than thrown in the trash, countless take-out containers, and there was stuff growing in the fridge that I could barely stomach to look at.
But just like the living room, the kitchen is like a different room by the time I finish and take a break with a bottle of water I brought with me.
As I drink, my phone rings again, but it’s an unknown number that flashes on the screen.
Cautious, I answer and wait a few seconds before speaking. “Hello?”
“Miss Montoya?”
“Mhm?”
“It’s Abby, the nurse you spoke to a couple of days ago?”
“Oh!” Tension bleeds from my shoulders. “I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize your number.”
“No problem. I was waiting for you to call me but when you didn’t, I thought I should reach out.”
In a flash of horror, I’m struck by the fear that she’s found something wrong with me and sleeping with Xander has just become the worst mistake of my life.
“Call you?” My brow lifts faintly and I think back to that conversation in her office.
She told me everything was fine, and the follow-up wasn’t for a month. “I needed to call you?”
“Yes, didn’t you read through the results in the email I sent you?”
“Oh, yes!” I take a quick mouthful of water as once again, relief floods through me. “I did. I saw I was all clear on everything. I’m sorry, I didn’t think I had to call to confirm that?”
“It was more about the other results that I was concerned about. With your iron being so low and the lack of supplements that you’re on, the prenatal vitamins I recommended would get you back on track quickly.”
My blood runs cold and a soft scoff escapes past my parted lips. “I’m sorry, what?”
“They’re only available on prescription, but I already checked with HR and our insurance covers them, so it shouldn’t be a problem. I’d really like you to come in and get a scan because I couldn’t find anything on file for you about your pregnancy, unless you went to a different doctor?”
“Hold on—I’m sorry, just give me a sec—”
What on earth is she talking about?
My fingers tremble as I scramble through the apps on my phone to my emails, then scroll quickly to find the one she sent.
I’d only skimmed it when it came through and read everything I thought was important, but not once did I see something about a pregnancy.
I find the email and as I stare at it, my heart pounds faster and faster until my chest is a blur of aching sensations.
There in black and white is the proof.
“You test for that?” I ask hoarsely, frozen in place.
“When someone is injured the way you were, we test for a lot of things because any given illness that you could contract needs medication that can affect other things going on in your body.
For example, if you were positive for HIV, then the medication we’d place you on would be dictated by your pregnancy.”
My pregnancy.
I’m pregnant.
How is that possible?
“Noelle, are you alright?” Abby’s voice is distant but through the numbness spreading through me, I say something I don’t even hear and end the call.
Pregnant.
There’s no way. There has to be a mistake.
I can’t be pregnant!
Bolting from the kitchen, I slam into the bathroom and start tearing through the cupboard under the sink for the old pregnancy tests buried there.
Caleb always claimed to be allergic to latex when we were together, so I relied on the pill and kept these tests as a backup.
Finding a test, I check the date and tear it open. The stick falls to the floor and I end up on my knees trying to catch it.
Over and over, that word blares in my mind.
Pregnant.
Ten minutes later, after chugging what remained of my water, I chew on my thumb while staring at the stick resting next to the sink.
The timer on my phone counts down painfully slowly, and my heart beats in time to every slow second.
This can’t be happening.
Pregnant?
There’s no way it’s Xander’s, that’s for sure. And the last person I slept with was Caleb. How long ago?
I stare at the timer until my eyes blur while trying to calculate back the last time Caleb and I were together.
Three months ago, maybe? When I got so drunk on my birthday and he made a move.
A move I accepted because I was drunk and lonely and thought he was genuinely interested.
He was just horny.
The timer on my phone beeps harshly and I wince, closing my eyes. Tears roll down my cheeks. When I open them, the truth stares me in the face.
Two pink lines.
Of course.
I’m pregnant.
My blissful Xander bubble bursts.
The air in the bathroom is biting cold and the world grows dark as I walk slowly back into the living room with the stick and my phone in hand.
This can’t happen.
I can’t be pregnant.
I sit and stare blankly at the room.
I can’t have a baby.
My life is a mess, I’m barely keeping myself together, never mind caring for something like a baby.
That’s far too much time, money, and effort that I don’t have.
And Xander?
The one good thing in my life will surely run for the hills the moment I drop the bombshell that I’m having another man’s baby.
It was supposed to be just sex, and maybe something more. Light and fun. Something good and warm.
Not the crushing commitment of a baby.
Tears come and my chest tightens painfully. Each breath drags from me like my lungs are loath to let it go, and my head falls into my hands.
I can’t do this.
The test taunts me from the table, one last fuck you from Caleb from beyond the grave.
Even as those thoughts come, guilt immediately follows and I sob harder into my hands. It’s not the baby’s fault.
It’s mine for choosing such a scumbag of a lover and tying so much of my life to him.
I was foolish to think anything real could come from Xander. He’s too good.
Definitely too good for someone like me.
I cry until the room is dark and the sun is well and truly deep beneath the horizon.
Reaching for my phone, my thumb hovers over Xander’s number, but he’s likely still in surgery, and I can’t seek comfort from him about this.
As soon as he finds out, he’ll make the responsible decision and end things.
He’s up for promotion, after all, and some fun sex hardly puts that at risk.
A baby does.
But I need to talk to someone. I need help.
I call Hannah, my only friend who won’t be working at this time of night.
As it rings out, I slump back into the couch and gaze up at the ceiling while my mind circles around this new disaster.
Hannah answers on the tenth ring. “Hello?” Her voice is oddly thick and she sniffles wetly. “Snow?”
“Hey, it’s me. I, uhm… I’m sorry to call without warning but I need help, Hannah. I know you prefer that I text first in case you’re with your boyfriend, but I really need—”
“No, it’s perfect!” Hannah interrupts, sniffling again. “Oh, girl, it must be fate that you called when I needed someone!”
“What?” Didn’t she hear what I just said?
“I had this huge fight with Tommy and he said all these horrible things and he’s packed up a bunch of his stuff and he left!” Her words trail into a wail so loud that I pull the phone away from my ear with a wince.
“Hannah, I’m so sorry. What happened?”
“He got all mad and jealous at pictures he saw online of me and Gemma clubbing last weekend, and there was a guy in one picture, and I told him, I told him that nothing happened, and it was just a drunken kiss!
He usually gets so jealous when stuff like that happens but he started yelling and said I wasn’t serious about our relationship!
How could he say that after what we’ve done in bed?”
Hannah wails and wails, pouring out more details about her sex life than I ever want to learn while trying to justify snogging another man.
As she talks, I gather that Tommy liked playing the part of the jealous boyfriend, having previously encouraged Hannah to flirt and kiss other men while they were out together.
However, Tommy apparently has a limit.
“What do I do?” Hannah weeps, her voice muffled as if she’s talking through tissues. “I love him so much!”
“I know, sweetie. I know,” I say soothingly.
“Look… there’s only one thing you can do.
You need to take a few breaths and calm down, then contact him and ask him to meet you and talk.
He’s engaged in this behavior with you, right?
So if he’s changed his mind, then he needs to communicate that with you, and then you can work it out together.
But if he’s going to be an asshole or act like a saint, then trust me, Hannah.
You’re better off without him. Especially if he can’t tell you his boundaries have changed. ”
“You think so?” Hannah says, her voice clearer. “You think he will talk to me?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose to combat the rising ache behind my eyes.
“I think it’s your best bet. People who want to fix things will talk.
People who don’t will just… they don’t deserve it.
He likes playing jealous, which means he can’t be angry at you for doing what he wants you to.
And if his desires change, then he can’t expect you to be a mind reader. ”
“You’re right!” Hannah sighs audibly and groans. “I knew you’d be on my side.”
“Of course I am. You’re my friend.”
“You’re the best Snow, I swear. Fuck, I need a shower. Thank you, thank you for helping me.”
“Any time. You know me.”
“You’re the best!”
The line clicks and falls dead, enveloping me in silence that grows weighty as I stare at my phone until the screen goes black.
That’s it?
How did I just spend the past forty minutes helping her through that and she didn’t even hear my cry for help?
She didn’t even ask how I was or why I called.
Gemma’s next on the list, but she doesn’t answer.
Phoebe ignores my call and texts me right after saying she’s at dinner with her parents.
Sitting in my dark apartment on the couch Caleb basically lived on with no one to talk to? The loneliness is crushing.
I’m alone. Truly alone.
This is my problem and my problem alone. But I’m so tired of problems and disasters. I’m so tired of scraping by.
I can’t deal with this right now.
Breathing deeply, I stand and walk out into the hall.
The pregnancy test ends up shoved into one of the trash bags which I then take outside and dump near the trash cans.
I haul trash until my body is warm against the cold, then I lock the front door and pocket the key.
My problems and my pregnancy can stay locked up in that house.
I put it out of my mind and let the bitter, icy wind carry it far away into the dark, snow-filled night.
I’m going back to Xander’s place. Life is better there.