Chapter 25 Snow
SNOW
I thought there’d be no living down the insane shame that overcame me when Thea looked at me like I was dirt on the bottom of her shoe.
She didn’t even say anything after her initial shock, she just stared while I gathered my stuff and left the apartment so fast, I left my socks behind.
I’ve spent the past two hours sobbing on the couch, thinking the best thing I ever had was over.
I convinced myself that the pregnancy would be the thing to ruin whatever this was, so I was determined to forget about it, but instead, it was family.
Thea surely knows her brother better than I ever could and if her reaction to her discovery is anything to go by, then Xander and I are over.
Or so I thought.
Every word from him is unlike anything I’ve ever heard and so many emotions clash together in my chest.
Sympathy for his loss, pain at the darkness he sank into, and then warm embarrassment as he talks about me like I’m some kind of gift.
It warms me in ways I’ve only ever dreamed of as Xander pours everything out while standing on my doorstep in the dark to a backdrop of snow.
He doesn’t care about work.
An insane declaration considering everything he’s worked so hard for, but as he talks, it makes sense why.
Existence versus living.
There’s only one victor there and Xander’s chosen it.
When he finally falls silent, he’s panting slightly and my mind is blank, struggling to gather thoughts.
Xander likes me.
Really likes me.
And he wants me.
Everything that I am now.
My secret remains buried in the back of my mind, crushed under my own determination to forget and to clutch onto one good thing for the duration of Christmas.
After a few minutes of silently staring at one another, I reach for Xander’s forearm and gently drag him inside. “Not a conversation for the doorstep,” I say with a sniffle, closing the door behind him.
Inside, Xander immediately starts shivering even as he removes his coat and a soft noise of amusement rises from him. “I’m sure your neighbors loved that display.”
“Maybe,” I reply, wiping my nose with the tissue balled up in my hand. “I can’t believe you came. I don’t even know what to say.”
A lie.
I know what I want to say, but saying those words out loud will make the heartbreak down the line even more painful.
Maybe that’s the point.
Live in the moment, forget the past, and ignore the future.
In the living room, I sit on the couch with my elbows resting atop my knees.
Xander slowly sits next to me and rubs a hand down his face.
Exhaustion clings to his features, making his blinks slow and his face sag slightly.
His jaw clicks as if he’s fighting a yawn, and when he looks at me, all I see is the tiredness from an impossibly long day on top of the drive over here.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “It was dumb. I found those decorations and I thought it would be a nice thing to do, so I decorated. And it looked so pretty and I had such a nice time on our picnic that I wanted to do more, so I dressed up, but then I fell asleep.” Tears warm back in my eyes and my voice cracks.
“When your sister found me… she looked so disgusted.”
“No, Snow. I am sorry. I had no idea she was coming to visit again so I didn’t think it through that she had a key. And I’m sorry she made you feel that way.”
“She’s right, though. She cares about you and she’s protective, so she knows this is dangerous.”
Xander sucks in air through his teeth and nods. “If you agree with her, then I can walk away. Nothing will change at work. I’ll still treat you with respect—”
“No.” My hand shoots out and clasps over one of Xander’s cool hands.
“I’m not… no, don’t talk like that. I don’t…
I thought you would agree with her and this would just be over.
I thought I was losing this amazing thing that came into my life, but now you’re here and you said all those nice things and I just…
” I study his face, shaking my head. “How can you think I’m worth risking your career? ”
“How can you think you are not?” Xander says softly. “I meant exactly what I said. I’ve been existing and I want to live, for as long as you will have me.”
Me.
Just me.
Not a baby and definitely not one belonging to another man.
I tighten my grip on Xander’s hand. “I like you,” I whisper. “A lot. Maybe too much. It’s been a lot so fast, and you’ve already helped me so much with a place to stay and your lawyer friend and I feel like I’m taking advantage.”
“Snow, you only feel like that because you’re not used to someone taking care of you.
Nothing I’ve done is extreme. It’s all natural and rather small by most standards.
But it feels big to you because of everything you went through with your ex.
I’m not…” He pauses and winces. “I don’t want it to sound like I’m trying to persuade you.
I’m here and I want you. If you want me.
That’s all that matters. Everything else…
” He waves his hand. “We can work it out.”
I could lose myself in his eyes.
The embarrassment still lingers as I replay Thea’s face over in my mind, but Xander is here with me, and that means just as much as all his lovely words. “What about your sister?”
Xander winces faintly. “I will deal with her.”
“What if she tells someone?”
“She won’t. She’s concerned for me. She won’t make herself the cause of that concern.”
I manage a small smile. “I feel so foolish.”
“That feeling will pass,” Xander says softly. “But I need you to tell me what you want.”
“I want you.” My voice is barely above a whisper now, as if the confession will be stolen away.
Xander leans in close enough that I can pick out the flecks of gold in his eyes. “Then you have me.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” His cool fingers slide along my jaw as he cups my face, then he leans in and presses a very gentle kiss to my lips. A kiss he deepens until his lips part and Xander… yawns. “I’m so sorry!”
Laughter bubbles up, soft and warm, and I lean in and kiss his chin. “I’m tired. You must be exhausted.”
“I am, but I had to come and fix this. I had to let you know how I feel.”
“I’m so glad you did.” My fingers slide up into Xander’s hair and within minutes, he’s settled on the couch with his head in my lap and my blanket draped over the two of us.
I have no desire to move and Xander’s warmth around me is more soothing than anything else.
I can’t believe he drove here at three in the morning to talk to me.
It’s difficult to keep certain thoughts at bay like how this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t stripped down to my underwear, but then again, I wouldn’t know exactly how he feels.
My fingers stroke through his hair, gradually petting him until he falls fast asleep, and a deep sense of peace settles in my chest as my own eyelids droop.
This is what I want.
Just me and him.
And I’m going to cling to it and enjoy it for as long as I can.
I have time until my body makes my secret obvious, and by then, hopefully, I’ll have a plan.
Maybe I’ll get lucky and everything will work out.
Either way, I can’t lose this time with Xander like I’ve lost everything else in my life.
This bubble will last until New Year’s. That’s all I need.