Chapter 31 Snow
SNOW
“Christmas is what, nine days away or something, and I have nothing prepared!” Phoebe massages the bridge of her nose while brandishing a white cocktail. “Honestly, it gets closer and closer every year.”
“That’s how time works,” sighs Gemma.
“I know that,” Phoebe shoots back.
“And it’s at the same time every year.”
“I know that too.”
“So your unreadiness is your own fault.” Gemma pops a tortilla chip in her mouth and smirks. “Your poor planning is your own fault.”
“You’re honestly telling me that time doesn’t move faster at this time of year?” Phoebe scoffs. “I still have Thanksgiving leftovers.”
“Eww, girl. Throw those out!” Hannah groans between sips of her cocktail. “There’s no way those are still safe to eat!”
“They’re in the fridge,” Phoebe replies. “They’re fine.”
“Phoebe, it’s frozen food that stays good for a long time. Not chilled.” Gemma laughs.
“What?” Phoebe’s eyes widen. “It’s the same thing.”
“No, girl, it’s not,” laughs Hannah. “If you haven’t frozen that shit, then it’ll kill you. Ask Snow if you don’t believe me. She’s the nurse.”
I watch my friends bicker back and forth around the table, just loud enough to be heard over the Christmas music thumping through the bar, but none of this brings me the comfort I was hoping for.
Xander staying at the hospital with Auriela makes his apartment oddly cold, and being alone gives me too much space to think about the things I want to avoid.
Like my sore boobs, my tighter jeans, and the bump I’m convinced is absolutely huge on my belly.
If Xander notices, I’ll tell him I’ve been eating too much and he won’t question it. I hope.
Calling the girls was my only option to keep my head busy, but unfortunately, it’s not working.
In the hour we’ve been here, I’ve learned that Hannah’s broken up and taken back her boyfriend, again, Gemma’s new apartment is ruined because the cold made the seal on her freezer burst open, and now Phoebe’s trying to give herself food poisoning.
“I’m not a nurse,” I say when everyone’s attention turns to me. “I just work in the hospital.”
“That’s basically the same thing,” Hannah says with another sip.
“No, it’s not.” I pick up my soda. “It’s really not.”
“Do you deal with patients?” Gemma asks.
“Sure, sometimes.”
“Like medically?”
“Yeah, if I have to.”
“Then you’re a nurse,” Gemma declares.
“If I know how to change a tire, that doesn’t make me a mechanic,” I point out. “It’s really not the same.”
Hannah rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Point is, don’t eat that Thanksgiving food, Phoebe, or you won’t need to worry about Christmas because you’ll be spending it in the hospital because three-week-old turkey tried to kill you.”
“I don’t believe you.” Phoebe digs her phone out of her pocket and rapidly taps at the screen.
“She won’t believe us but she’ll trust the garbage AI on her phone.” Gemma snorts.
“This world is ruined,” Hannah groans. “I tried to search where the nearest hotel was so my sister could stay and the AI was trying to give me a breakdown on what a hotel was.”
“Fuck the future.” Gemma raises her glass. “And fuck you, Phoebe, for not believing us.”
Phoebe’s eyes widen at her screen and she groans. “Dammit.”
“Did you learn?” Hannah asks in a sickly-sweet tone.
“Whatever.” Phoebe slams her phone down and picks up her glass. “It’s dumb and my point still stands. Time is too fast. And a much better question is, Snow, why aren’t you drinking?”
I should have seen this coming. Whenever one of us feels too exposed, they deflect the bitter attention onto someone else and I’m an easy target.
“Maybe because of last time.” Hannah giggles. “Someone couldn’t hold her wine.”
“Honestly!” Gemma breaks out laughing at the memory. “When you fell and went ass over head, I almost thought you were dead!”
As they all giggle at my expense, something snaps inside me.
Exhaustion and a little bit of annoyance at how I spend my life listening to them and yet they never ask about me.
“I’m pregnant.” The words slip out of me as if they got lost on their way to my mind and escaped my mouth instead.
Silence falls at the table while three pairs of eyes widen and stare at me.
“What?” Gemma gasps and her gaze flicks down to my belly. “No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am.”
“Since when?” Hannah gasps. “By who? I didn’t even know you were seeing anyone.”
“You’re seeing someone?” Phoebe’s nose wrinkles. “So soon after Caleb?”
My heart jumps in my chest. “Caleb and I broke up months ago. You know that.”
“Sure,” Phoebe replies. “but you were still living together and he only died like a month ago or something. Isn’t that kind of tacky?”
“Phoebe!” Gemma cuts in. “Don’t be a bitch!”
“What? I’m just saying. He died, and now you’re dating and pregnant?”
“I don’t want to take dating advice from someone who can’t tell the difference between chilled and frozen,” I snap at Phoebe. “Sorry.”
Phoebe’s mouth drops open. “Okay, wow, you’re definitely pregnant because what the fuck.”
“You kind of deserved that,” Hannah murmurs, then she leans her elbows on the table closer to me. “Are you for real? You’re really pregnant right now?”
I nod slowly. “Mhm.”
“So, who are you seeing?” Her eyes sparkle, eager for gossip.
My heart starts to pound. “It’s… complicated.”
“How?” Hannah tilts her head.
“Ohmygod, is it someone from work?” Gemma leans forward too. “It is, isn’t it?”
“Is it?” Hannah gasps.
Again, I nod.
“Oh, that’s terrible.” Gemma laughs. “Don’t hospitals have a no-dating rule?”
“That’s obviously why it’s complicated,” Hannah says, elbowing Gemma. “Keep up.”
“So you got pregnant by someone you work with that you’re dating, maybe in secret, not long after Caleb dies?” Phoebe, still sour, words it so poorly, but painfully, she’s right.
Is that how everyone else will see it when I can no longer hide it? Is that how Xander will see it when he finds out I’m carrying another man’s baby?
“What if… it’s not his baby?” I ask cautiously.
You could knock Hannah over with a feather.
“Girl, how many people are you sleeping with?” Gemma hisses. “Is this a cry for help? I always thought you were kind of a prude.”
“No, it’s not like that.”
“Ohmygod!” Hannah squeals and she clutches at both Gemma and Phoebe’s forearms so hard they both yelp. “Is it Caleb’s baby?”
Heat flushes through me from head to toe and before I can respond, Hannah squeals again.
“I’m right, aren’t I? Oh, my God!”
“That’s so messy.” Phoebe snorts. “You're dating someone from work while carrying your dead ex’s baby.”
“Shut up, Phoebe,” Gemma snaps, then she turns to me. “I mean she’s kind of right. This is so messy, holy shit. Does he know?”
I shake my head.
“Why haven’t you told him?” Hannah gasps. “This is kind of a huge fucking deal.”
“I… I don’t know. I like him a lot and I think he likes me, but he’s so busy and he’s kind of a big deal, and if people find out about us, he could lose his entire career. And he’s… he’s quiet and gentle but he’s been through so much that I can’t throw a baby at him.”
“So get rid of it,” Hannah says. “Problem solved.”
“I can’t,” I say. “I thought about it, but I can’t.”
“So tell him,” Phoebe replies. “Literally the only thing you can do. You can’t hide a pregnancy for long.”
“If he walks away, then he’s a dick,” Gemma sighs. “And you saved yourself heartache.”
“Uhm, no,” Hannah speaks up. “Getting blindsided by another man’s baby when you’re dating for fun does not make you a dick for walking away. I mean, what man thinks a woman is worth blowing up his entire career? There’s no way Snow is worth that.”
Her words sting like a burn and suddenly, tears smart behind my eyes.
“Not that you’re not worthy!” Hannah corrects quickly. “I just mean most men value their careers. Especially a doctor, right?”
“Now who's a bitch?” Phoebe hisses at Gemma, who rolls her eyes.
Hannah’s right.
She’s spoken my fears into existence and there’s no putting the lid back on them.
With a pounding heart, I force a smile. “So you all think it’s a bad idea?”
They glance at one another, then Gemma speaks. “It’s your life, Snow. But you can’t be mad if he walks away if you guys are new, y’know? What man wants to raise someone else’s baby? But that’s just our thoughts. Only he can tell you the truth.”
Blindly, I’d hoped for reassurance and sympathy like I’ve given them over the years, even when I think their decisions are bad.
I hoped for comfort and maybe a miracle solution that would make everything okay.
Instead, they saved all their reality checks for me.
“I have to go.” Standing abruptly, I toss a handful of bills onto the table.
“Don’t leave!” Gemma’s hand catches my wrist. “We were having such a good time!”
“Yeah, stay! We don’t see you as it is!”
Shaking my head, I flash them all a smile. “I wasn’t having fun. I’ll text you later. Merry Christmas.”
The warmth of the bar is taken away in a single gust of icy wind when I step out onto the cold street and huddle in my coat.
A few taps of my thumb against my phone book me a nearby taxi before all the warmth in my hand is robbed by the falling snow.
It should be a beautiful night with the crisp white snow underfoot, a crystal-clear sky filled with a thousand stars and only one thick cloud that pours down the thick flakes of snow around me, but I barely notice any of it as I walk.
Am I worth Xander’s career? Not even in the slightest.
He likes me, I know that, but he likes the easy me.
The fun, sexy me that’s there for a good time. He didn’t sign up for a baby or the end of his career.
With tears in my eyes that refuse to fall in the wind, I meet my taxi a block away from the bar and climb into welcoming warmth.
“Where to, Ma’am?”
Just as I’m about to give him Xander’s address, I pause. I need time to myself. Time to think properly and come up with a real plan.
So I give the driver my apartment address instead and settle into the seat, nose buried in my phone.
Given that it’s Caleb’s baby, maybe I should get rid of it. That man gave me nothing but grief, with the highlight being his love bombing. What if his kid’s the same?
No.
It’s not the baby’s fault.
There’s very little I’m certain on, but I know I don’t want to get rid of it.
But I don’t want to lose Xander, either.
As harsh as the talk with my girls was, they’re painfully right. The only one who can give me an answer is Xander.
Speculation gets me nowhere and assumptions just spin around my mind like a string in the wind.
I told myself I’d wait until after Christmas, but that has to become a plan I stick to because—
“Holy shit!” The driver’s sudden cry of alarm drags me from my thoughts and I glance up as the car lurches sharply to one side.
I’m blinded by glaring headlights spearing through the windshield, then I’m thrown against the door as the taxi swerves and the driver cries out in alarm.
As I’m thrown back into the cab, the screams of several car horns flood my ears and the last thing I hear is the earsplitting screech and crunch of metal.