Chapter 30 Xander
XANDER
“I’ll never know how you do it,” says Fred, up to his elbows in soap.
“Do what?” I ask, running my hands under the water and removing the soap from my forearms.
“Stay single.”
A pulse of heat shoots down my spine. “It’s easy.”
“No, it ain’t,” Fred groans. “Have you seen June?” He kisses the air and sucks on his teeth. “She invited me out for a drink.”
Turning off the tap with my elbow, I reach for the towel rack. “Did you go?”
“Nah.”
“Why not? There’s no conflict of interest there. She’s not in your department. You rarely even cross paths at work.” June’s one of my nurses and Fred is often working up in plastics, something that most claim fits his arrogant personality.
I think the same most days, but other days, I see the true Fred, the days he spends talking to burn patients through their reconstructive surgery and cancer patients through breast augmentation to help get their life back.
“It ain’t that simple.” Fred sighs, and something about the sound suggests he has more to say, so I turn to face him while drying my hands.
“It is simple. Most things are.”
Fred shrugs, unable to meet my eyes. “She’s a good woman. She’s kind and sweet and the things her voice does to me when she’s angry is incredible. She makes me laugh. She doesn’t take my shit. When she smiles, I’m always wanting her to smile at me.”
Initially, I thought Fred wanted to get laid, but this is different. He’s talking like a real person for once. “But?”
“But…” He sighs deeply. “Look at me. I ain’t man enough for a woman like that.”
Fred, cocky Fred who loves to hold favors over people’s heads, who loves to brag about the money he makes and drops cases he finds too boring on anyone’s lap just so he can go home early, thinks he’s not good enough for someone.
I never thought I would see the day.
“I don’t have much in the way of advice,” I reply quietly, “but if I know anything, it’s that you should let her make that choice. Don’t do it for her. If you like her, then respect her right to choose. She’s been here long enough that I’m sure she’s well aware that you’re an asshole.”
“Fuck you.” Fred snorts. “But true.”
“Exactly. It might work out, it might not. You won’t know until you give it a chance.”
Fred’s attention drops back to his hands under the water and he doesn’t reply.
Just as the urge to fill the silence creeps up, my phone blares to life within my locker so I stoop down to grab it.
“That was a good surgery, Fred,” I say, gazing down at my phone. “Catch you later.”
“Bye.” He doesn’t even lift his head.
Maybe I gave him too much to think about.
“Hello?” I press my phone to my ear.
“Xander Thomas?”
“That’s me.”
“I’m calling on behalf of Auriela. I have you noted down as her emergency contact.”
I trip over myself in the corridor and halt, gripping the phone tightly as my heart lurches. “Auriela? What’s happened? Where is she?”
By some stroke of luck, Auriela was brought to my hospital rather than a clinic and I find her in a private room on the top floor.
She’s tucked up in the bed with an oxygen mask over her face and her knitting resting in her lap.
“Auriela!”
“Xander?” Her eyes widen so much that her wrinkles smooth out for a second. “What are you doing here?”
“You put me as your emergency contact and they called me.” I reach for the chart at the end of her bed. “What happened? Are you okay?”
“It’s nothing,” Auriela croaks. “A lot of fuss over nothing.”
“It’s not nothing.” I skim her chart and fight the sudden tightness in my chest by taking a deep, calming breath. “Chest pains and trouble breathing are not nothing, Auriela. Is this the first time this has happened?”
“Don’t fuss,” Auriela scolds. “I’m fine!”
Closing her chart, I move to the side of her bed and sit. “This isn’t the first time, is it?”
She can’t meet my eyes.
“Auriela, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why would I bother you about something so silly?” she replies, lifting a hand to remove her mask.
Glancing at the machines next to her, I catch her wrist and prevent her from doing so. “The perk of having a doctor next door is that nothing is silly.”
“I thought you were a surgeon.”
“For you it’s the same thing. Tell me how you are feeling?”
Auriela rolls her eyes. “I don’t need another doctor, Xander. I’ve seen enough of them today already.”
“Okay, then tell me as a friend how you are.” I can get the full picture from her doctor later.
“As a friend?” She tilts her head and a few gray curls slip loose from her head. “I’m fine.”
“Try telling me that when you don’t look so pale.” I chuckle. “Please, Auriela.”
“Okay. It’s not the first time. But it’s happened a few times when I take the stairs.”
“You still take the stairs?” My brows dart up. “We talked about this. At your age, the—”
“I know, I know,” she cuts in quickly. “But if I can still climb stairs, then I’m going to until these old joints give out on me!”
“Or your heart,” I warn softly. “You need to be careful. I’m not ready to let you go yet.”
“Of course not,” she replies briskly. “Who would care for those darlings in your apartment if not for me?”
“Exactly.”
“Although… now that you have a lady friend?” Auriela’s smile turns sly. “Maybe my time is up.”
“Don’t you dare talk like that!” It’s my turn to scold her.
“I’m only teasing. But I am happy you have a new friend.” Auriela’s cold hand closes over the top of mine. “You were so sad for so long, but I look at you now and it’s like something has finally switched on inside you. I’m happy for you.”
“Is it worth my trying to tell you it’s nothing?” I ask softly, unable to keep the small smile from my face.
“Don’t lie to me, I might be on my deathbed.”
“Auriela!”
“Sorry.” She chuckles throatily. “But all the more reason I don’t want to hear your excuses. I know what I see. And she seems like a lovely girl. Are you happy?”
“I feel like you’re trying to distract me from the fact that you’re sick,” I say, turning my hand over until we’re palm to palm. I lightly clutch her hand and nod slowly. “But yes. I think I am, actually.”
“About time.” She grins behind her mask, then erupts into a small, hoarse coughing fit.
I help her adjust her mask around her face as a ball of concern forms in my chest and tightens every time she coughs or wheezes.
Thankfully, it’s near the end of my shift and when her doctor appears to check her over, I step out of her room and call Snow.
“Hello?” Snow’s warm voice does little to ease the worry in my chest.
“Hi. I’m sorry, I won’t be home tonight, but please feel free to use your key. If you could feed the kids, that would be amazing. I have to stay.”
“Okay, sure. Is everything alright? You sound… sad.” Concern bleeds into Snow’s voice.
I close my eyes and picture her standing in front of me with those gorgeous eyes gazing up at me. “Auriela was brought in, so I want to stay with her until I know she’s okay.”
“Oh, of course! Oh, my God. Is she okay?”
“I’m not sure, but I’ll find out.”
“Okay. Don’t you worry about the fluffballs. I’ll take care of them. I think they like me better than you, anyway.” Her teasing tone to try and lift my spirits is welcome, even if it doesn’t have the desired effect.
“Thank you. I’ll call you later.”
Later doesn’t come because halfway through the night, Auriela takes a turn for the worse.
Her doctor informs me that she’s caught a bad case of Bacterial pneumonia, painfully common at this time of year, and the first round of antibiotics had no effect.
Given her age and frailty, everything about Auriela works against her, and my hands ache with the need to help her.
Not that I’m allowed.
When she falls unconscious and her doctors hook her up to several more machines, it’s like no time at all has passed.
It might as well be Claire lying in that bed while I’m once again on the sidelines unable to do anything but pace the room and watch as the frail body before me fights something it might not win.
Is this my punishment?
Did I do something in a past life where I’m destined to just watch the people I care about fall victim to something I can’t fight?
That I’m to stand here brimming with medical knowledge and skill, yet unable to lay a finger on them to help?
It’s a cruel punishment.
I must have done something awful in a past life to deserve this.
Snow texts, but I can’t find my voice to speak to her, not that it seems to bother her.
She sends me pictures of Rustle attacking the snowflakes on the wall, an unopened box containing a Christmas tree with Willow perched on top, and Tiger spread out on his belly between two cat food bowls like some kind of furry snake.
To help cheer Auriela up, her text says.
My heart beats painfully in my chest and I sag against the wall, only able to send back the heart emoji.
Morning dawns and I trudge down to the cafeteria for some terrible coffee, only to run into Snow in the lower corridor.
“Xander!” Her brows lift. Two cups of coffee rest in her hands and she beams at me, then seems to remember where we are and quickly gathers herself. “I brought you some coffee.”
The warmth of her smile, the soothing lilt of her voice, and the sparkle in her eyes are everything I crave.
Suddenly, the weight of Auriela’s failing health becomes crushing and I want nothing more than to sink into Snow’s arms for a lick of comfort.
Can I even ask that of her?
“Thank you,” I reply quietly, accepting one cup. “You’ve no idea how much I need this.” Our eyes meet and I hope she knows I’m not talking about the coffee.
“How is she? Auriela?”
My throat burns as I swallow. “She took a turn in the night. Bacterial pneumonia at her age is…” I shake my head, unable to continue.
“I’m so, so sorry, Xander.” Snow half reaches for me, then thinks better of it and instead tucks some of her hair behind her ear. “I really hope she will be okay.”
“Me too.” I glance down at the cup of coffee and catch the slight pink shimmer of lip gloss around the rim.
My lips twitch. “It’s a special kind of cruelty to be a doctor and watch people you care about sicken.”
Snow steps forward, her movement drawing my attention back up to her beautiful face and the light pink shimmer on her lips. “This is a good hospital,” she says. “The people here are the best. I’m sure she’s getting the best care.”
“I know.”
“If there’s anything I can—”
“Snow!” Jen’s screech down the hallway makes us both jump. “Are you planning on arriving at work any time soon or do I have to do that part of your job too?”
“I have to go,” Snow hisses. “But I’m here if you need me.”
As kind as her words are, Snow ends up far too busy throughout the day and other than a couple of quick texts, we don’t hear from each other.
Definitely for the best, considering our situation, but I find myself craving her touch stronger than I ever have before.
I want to sink into her arms and soak up her warmth, to feel her hands in my hair and allow myself a few minutes to exist in the worry drowning everything in my chest.
It’s selfish, I know.
But Auriela’s state is painfully similar to Claire’s and I can’t help.
Thankfully, Fred eagerly took my surgeries for the day and claimed it was because he wanted to get me back in his debt, but I suspect it was because two of those have June as the lead nurse.
Exhaustion catches up to me in the late afternoon and I fall asleep in the chair by Auriela’s bed.
I dream of nothing but darkness for a couple of hours until a cool touch to my temple drags me out of my slumber.
Waking with a start, I gaze around quickly to get my bearings, then lock eyes with Auriela.
She gazes at me with tired eyes and a weak smile, but she’s awake.
She’s awake!
“Auriela!” I surge up in my seat and clutch her hand. “You’re awake!”
“I have been for about an hour.” Auriela chuckles throatily. “I asked the doctor not to wake you because she said you’d been here all night. Why didn’t you go home, you silly boy?”
“How could I when my best girl decided to pass out like that?” The relief is so intense my head throbs repeatedly, but it’s worth it.
“Oh, you.” She chuckles and coughs weakly. “I d–didn’t want to wake you, but I need some water, so could you…?”
“Of course.” Leaning forward, I lightly kiss her forehead at her hairline then move to the table at the foot of her bed.
Pouring some water into a small cup, I add the straw and offer it to her. “Drink slowly.”
She obliges and after a few sips, I remove the cup.
“Thank you,” she says, her voice already sounding smoother. “The doctor told me I have pneumonia but the stronger antibiotics are working.”
“I’m so relieved. What would I do without you?”
“You’d live your life,” she scolds. “That’s what you would do.”
“With three cats that love you more than me?”
She wheezes with laughter and lightly smacks my arm. “You have no idea how much those cats adore you. How much everyone adores you.” Shaking her head, Auriela clasps my hand. “Now that I’m awake, you need to go home and rest.”
“I’m not leaving until you are.”
“Then rest somewhere in the hospital. I don’t know. But I don’t want to look at your tired face, so get out of here and get some sleep.”
“Auriela—”
“Get out!” She laughs softly. “Do this for me if you won’t do it for yourself, okay?”
As much as I want to stay, I am exhausted, so after checking with Auriela’s doctor that she’s truly out of the woods, I text the good news to Snow and then collapse in the nearest on-call room.
Sleep takes me almost immediately and I drift in the land of forgettable dreams until a strange alarm buzzes through my thoughts.
It takes a long few seconds for the noise to wake me up fully but when it does, I lift my head and gaze around the dark room in search of the unfamiliar noise.
“Dude,” comes a tired voice from three beds over. “Answer your damn pager.”
Oh. Right.
My pager.
Seeking it out, I press the button to silence it as my stomach drops.
A major vehicle collision has flooded the trauma ward and it’s all hands on deck.