Chapter 37 Snow
SNOW
I certainly didn’t plan on being back at the hospital at seven in the morning, but here I am.
I huddle in my seat, tucked into a corner of the waiting room away from prying eyes while waiting on news.
Xander fell unconscious after falling down three flights of stairs and the blood leaking through his hair terrified me.
Luckily, the cops arrived swiftly and the ambulance not long after, but even with everything I know about how well the people in this hospital do their jobs, the fear doesn’t leave me.
Seeing Dickson again was terrifying, but more than that was the shock at Xander immediately defending me.
Fighting for me.
When he and that asshole tumbled down those stairs, he ripped my heart right out of my chest.
I bite my nails right down to the soft nailbed as time ticks by at a crawl, playing out all sorts of scenarios in my mind.
What if he dies?
What if he wakes up but the blow to the head makes him forget me?
What if he wakes up and the blow makes him forget only the past day and he still hates me but no longer wants to talk to me?
He told me he loved me and then he fell down so many stairs.
The sickening thuds of body against stone still ring in my ears long after and I don’t think I’ll ever forget what that sounds like.
Definitely not the crack of Xander’s head bouncing off the wall.
I close my eyes and try to calm my thoughts but nothing works.
It’s a carousel of disaster in my mind until a hand touches my shoulder and I jump out of my thoughts.
“Fred?”
He stands over me with a slight smile. “Wasn’t sure if you were asleep. Sorry.”
“Is he okay?” I stand immediately and wince as dull pain throbs through my abdomen.
Fred places his hand on my shoulder and makes me sit. “You should be taking it easy. You were in a crash not three days ago.”
“But is he okay?”
He nods as he sits beside me. “He’s fine. He’s had a head CT and an MRI just to be safe because there’s no way I’m losing our little surgeon competition because he decides to die.” Fred snorts softly in amusement. “What a pair you two make.”
“He’s really okay?” Despite the calmness on Fred’s face, my stomach twists itself into knots, and a pulse of nausea rises in my throat. “You promise?”
“I promise. He did split his head open, but we’ve stitched it. Had to shave some of his hair.” Fred smirks. “But other than a few bruises and bumps and a cracked rib, he’s fine. He’s lucky, but he’s fine.”
“And…” I hesitate, half unwilling to ask. “What about Dickson?”
“The other guy?”
I nod.
“He’s got a broken arm and a dislocated shoulder. Some bruising. Cops are with him now. They actually want to talk to you, but I wanted to come and tell you that Xander is okay.”
I puff out my cheeks and groan. “I’m so tired of talking to the cops. They always make me feel like I’ve done something wrong.”
“Like sleeping with your boss?”
My cheeks warm immediately, but Fred doesn’t wear the usual smarmy expression on his face that I’m used to seeing. He almost looks kind. “Pretty fucked up, huh?” I say quietly.
Fred shrugs. “Listen… I’m not the morality police and I don’t sit from a place that I can judge, but if you and Xander are serious?” He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a folded-up piece of paper. “Here.”
“What’s this?” I take it and start unfurling it.
“A declaration.” Fred briefly sucks on his upper teeth. “I just submitted one and I told the board that if they don’t accept yours, then they’ll be replacing two surgeons and this place can’t afford to lose both Xander and me, so…”
I scan the page multiple times, my eyes widening.
While a lot of the text is legal jargon, the basics of the form seem to be a declaration of a relationship between Xander and me while absolving us of our rights to sue the hospital should our relationship sour.
“You submitted one?” I lift my head and as our eyes meet, something clicks in my mind. “June.”
Fred nods, then clears his throat and stands. “Xander’s awake, so you should go and see him.”
I watch Fred stroll away as casually as he can and for the first time, I see the man underneath.
The one who took Xander’s surgeries without batting an eye, who ran to the operating theater and saved my life when Xander couldn’t, and who now stands in solidarity with his fellow surgeon despite the hospital thinking he doesn’t care.
He’s perfect for June.
My trip to see Xander is delayed by the police who assure me that Dickson won’t bother me any longer.
They need me to make a formal statement about what happened, but Dickson will be going away for a long time.
Turns out he was in hiding since the cops were looking for him and found him because he tried to access a secret savings account in Caleb’s name.
An account that held a portion of my stolen money, which will be returned to me in the New Year.
News like that should make me happy, and in some ways it does, but as I approach Xander’s room my stomach continues churning like a restless ocean.
His door sits slightly ajar so I peek inside, my heart in my throat.
Xander sits up in his bed, delving into a pot of green Jell-O with a plastic spoon.
The edge of some gauze peeks out over the crown of his head and a few dark bruises litter his bare arms, but he’s awake and alert and tears immediately spring into my eyes.
“Xander?”
He glances up and then he sits poker straight, lowering his Jell-O pot. “Snow.”
Hearing that instead of Noelle makes the tears swell fatter in my eyes. “You’re okay.”
“I’m okay.”
“Can I come in?” I lean on the door for support and Xander’s lips pull into a small smile.
“Please.”
I step cautiously into his room, then my legs take over and move with a will of their own.
Before I know it, I’m at his bedside and he’s abandoned the half-eaten Jell-O onto the tray beside his bed.
“You’re really okay?” I ask softly, trying not to blink so the tears don’t fall.
Xander nods slowly. “I am. Fred took far too much enjoyment in shaving some of my hair and stapling my scalp, but as long as I don’t run anywhere or knock my head anytime soon… I’ll be fine.”
“Oh, thank God!” I blink and the tears fall, but before they roll all the way down my cheeks, Xander’s cool hands cup my face and he strokes them away with his thumbs.
“Don’t cry,” he murmurs. “I’m really okay.”
“When… when I saw you fall down the stairs I thought… I was so scared!” My voice wobbles. “You just vanished and I heard all these horrible noises and when I ran forward, you and Dickson were just rolling and tumbling and I saw your head bounce and I—”
The tears come faster, but Xander doesn’t lower his hands.
He keeps caressing my face, stroking them away with such a soft smile on his face. “I’m so sorry you had to see that.”
“See it?” I gasp, grasping one of his wrists. “I’m sorry you had to endure it!”
“But I’m fine.”
“Don’t say that. You’re not fine and I almost lost you and it’s my fault. Everything is my fault. Dickson never would have been there if not for me. He wouldn’t have attacked you if it wasn’t for me.”
“Snow.” Xander’s voice grows firm. “You are not responsible for the actions of someone like Dickson. And I could argue that he wouldn’t have found you if I hadn’t taken the news of your pregnancy so badly.
If I hadn’t then you never would have gone to your apartment and given him that window to follow you. So it’s my fault.”
“No!” I clutch his wrist tighter and reach out my other hand, caressing his jaw. “It’s not your fault! He wouldn’t even know your face if I hadn’t gone looking for him.”
Xander turns his face into my palm and sighs softly. “How far back do you want to go with this blame game, darling? Because I will win. I will find a way.”
Darling.
It makes me melt and I sag against him until I’m perched on the side of his bed. Xander drops one of his hands from my face to my waist.
“I’m sorry. I was… I was so scared I was going to lose you. When I reached you and you were just…” I close my eyes and wince inwardly as the sound of skull against stone replays in my mind.
Xander’s hand slides to the small of my back and he pulls me close. “You haven’t lost me. I’m right here.”
Opening my eyes, I sink into his arms as they come around me in a tight hug.
I clutch at his shoulders and squeeze tightly as our bodies align and the thump of Xander’s heart becomes faintly detectable against my chest with how tightly he holds me.
“Did you mean what you said?” I whisper. “Do you remember?”
“When I said I loved you?” Xander replies, his voice low. “I remember. The fall didn’t knock anything loose. It was true then and it’s true now. I love you, Snow.”
My grip tightens. “You mean it? Even with everything?”
“I do. You make me smile. You make me excited to go home and go to work. My only thought as I fell was that you would be safe. That’s all I wanted.
I meant everything I said.” Xander leans back just enough that he can cup the side of my neck with one hand and he gazes into my eyes.
“The hurt will fade in time because what I’ve found with you is far too good to let go. Unless you want me to…”
“No!” My fingers curl into fists, trapping his gown against my palms. “I don’t want you to, not at all!
Because I love you too. So much. I knew.
I think I always knew, and that’s why I tried so hard to keep everything perfect so I didn’t lose you, but then…
” My attention drops down to my stomach and Xander’s head dips as he follows.
Very slowly, he slides his hand over my belly.
“I don’t care that I’m not the father,” he says softly.
“Being with you, Snow, has been the best Christmas gift I could have ever asked for. A baby is… a lot. I won’t deny that, but I will be there for you and for this baby because that’s what I want to do.
Whatever happens, we can figure it out together.
I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, understand? ”
His hand lifts to catch my chin, raising my head until our eyes meet once more.
“I want to be the best man I can be for you and the best father for that baby.”
I give up trying not to cry.
The tears come thick and fast as warmth cracks sharply in my chest and then spreads through me in a wave.
I got so caught up in keeping my secret to protect what I thought was the best thing in my life, without knowing I was actually denying myself the best thing.
“You mean it?” I gasp through my tears. “You swear? ’Cause I want to be worthy of you, too.”
Xander chuckles softly and nods. “I swear.” Then his mouth closes over mine and he kisses me hard, a salty kiss damp with my tears but one that soothes every part of me.
My body calms, my stomach soothes, and my mind falls silent as all the what-ifs fade into darkness.
“Love like this is too rare and too precious to let go of,” Xander murmurs against my lips, kissing me again and pulling back. “I’m never letting you go again. Judgment be damned.”
I surge forward and kiss him again, repeatedly, until his words remind me of the paper in my pocket. Leaning back, I fish it out and hand it to him. “Fred gave me this.”
Xander takes one of my hands in his and threads our fingers together as he opens it, his eyes darting back and forth while he reads down the page. “Wow. This is… where did he find this?”
“He said he submitted one himself.”
Xander’s head lifts. “Himself?” Just as he asks it, a knowing look comes across his face and our eyes lock briefly. “June.”
“You knew?”
“I suspected. Fred always seemed lighter when she was around and the night of your crash, I’m pretty sure they were coming back from a date.”
“Wow. I didn’t know until June drove me home and she was asking me all of these questions.” I press my lips together and my heart starts to beat wildly. “Will you sign this?”
Xander kisses my damp cheek. “Do you even need to ask? Get me a pen. I’ll sign everything and anything that keeps me by your side.”
“What if it’s not enough?” I sniffle. “What if they don’t care and you lose your job anyway?”
Xander tightens his grip in my hand and rests his forehead against mine. “I nearly died falling down some stairs. I nearly lost you, Snow.”
“I nearly lost you.”
“My point is that life is terrifyingly short and I don’t want to spend another second of it denying myself something that makes me happy. If the hospital doesn’t like that, then I don’t care. They can fire me. I can find other work. Or maybe…”
He trails off and nudges his nose lightly against mine.
“Stay-at-home dads are kind of hot these days, aren’t they?”