Understood

chapter 50 ⚚

sweet new year's! i wish you guys a

year full of peace, warmth, and finding

the love you crave, in yourself.

love, admi?

Was hugging your therapist that unethical?

That was the question tipsy Lilith couldn't quite figure out, even as the therapist—which technically wasn't her therapist—drove her home.

Vivienne had had some white wine and still driven, which Lilith eyed skeptically, silently critiquing. Realizing the woman wasn't as perfect as she'd imagined sent a slight wave of disappointment through her—or maybe something closer to a wave of hatred she could never fully explain.

Whatever it was, she knew one thing. Valentina would never do that.

Once inside her apartment, Lilith sighed softly and jumped onto her couch, fully dressed, still in her jacket. She buried her nose in the scarf wrapped around her neck and pulled out her phone, the screen hitting her with a brightness that made her eyes and nose scrunch softly.

Lilith felt like she had manipulated the woman somehow.

Was she making her feel bad for Lilith—not even intentionally—softening her? Crossing some type of boundary? Being in the exact same position Lilith had been in for so many things in life?

The thought didn't stay for too long. None of it was really her responsibility, and even if it were, she didn't see Vivienne Lockhart as her therapist.

She decided to call Valentina after swallowing one pill of hydroxyzine, not even checking if the woman answered. She realized, halfway through, how bad it might have looked if Valentina knew she'd been drinking. She huffed, annoyed at herself for making things harder than they needed to be.

Biting on her acrylic nail, she waited for Valentina to pick up. She heard the familiar, unmistakable "Hello, Lilith."

It never failed to make her grin a little.

"What would you say to a sleepover?" the blonde haired girl asked, trying to get her shoe off without actually sitting up or using her hand. One shoe fell to the floor.

"How rude of you to invite yourself to my place," Valentina murmured, turning every conversation they had into flirty—or just pleasant—banter.

"No, I'm inviting you," Lilith corrected her.

"I realised you never had a chance to sleep in my bed," she added, grinning to herself before saying, "I damaged your nervous system already, it's time for your back."

"My back?" Valentina repeated.

"I fear my bed won't live up to your standards," Lilith answered.

"Always downplaying yourself," Valentina chuckled.

"I'm just saying my bed is mediocre," Lilith whined, finally standing up and beginning to undress herself.

"So that's what's supposed to make me put on my shoes, get in my car, and drive to you? A mediocre bed?" Valentina played along, and Lilith felt like she could truly fight wars for whatever this playful thing Valentina had going on was.

It stimulated her mind so nicely, even without being intellectual. The words, and the way Valentina used them, were the very definition of pleasant.

"Shoes?" Lilith pouted ironically to herself. "I was hoping for heels," she added, trying not to laugh at how confident her remark sounded.

"I know," Valentina said neutrally, then picked up a similar ironic tone. "That's why I said shoes."

"Fine, don't come," Lilith threw nonchalantly.

"I unfortunately will," Valentina sighed softly, chuckling to herself as she stood up.

"Did you take care of... whatever you had to take care of?" she asked curiously.

"Yeah. It was just some... family thing," Lilith said.

She didn't technically lie, right?

"It's alright now," she added, almost brightly.

Valentina didn't sound unhappy that Lilith had to leave so abruptly—which was a relief. Even better, when Lilith opened her door to greet Valentina, the woman was in her usual heels, even though under her coat she wore a dark navy blue silky set, clearly meant for nighttime.

"You look quite... silly," Lilith said, tilting her head as she looked her up and down.

"Never again am I doing something for you," the woman said, hanging her coat and moving with comfort and ease in Lilith's apartment that made it seem like she'd lived there for some time.

Lilith frowned quickly, but as often happened—when she messed things up or failed to get what she wanted, or at least impress anyone—she found a way to turn things sweeter... and much smoother.

"But I can do something for you," she said.

"Can you?" Valentina sighed. Her face was bare, and as always, she was the most beautiful woman Lilith had ever laid eyes upon.

"Mhm," Lilith murmured, lowering herself to her knees and holding out her hand near the polished black heel, slowly looking up at the woman.

It was hard for Valentina not to widen her eyes, but she lifted her foot slightly, and Lilith removed the heel—just as she had done with the second one. Still on her knees, she put them away neatly on the floor near the door, then stood up.

"Is this how you greet all of your guests?" Valentina asked, moving first and slowly looking around the apartment, noting only that the mirror near the two doors she'd never entered was gone.

"No?" Lilith said, in a questioning, very offended tone.

One of the two doors was cracked open slightly, revealing part of Lilith's bedroom. Valentina stepped inside, looking over the room once again, just as she had before entering the room.

"Already judging?" Lilith asked, a slight frown tugging at her face.

"This room should be a bathroom," the woman shrugged softly, stepping further in.

"Because...?" Lilith asked, furrowing her brows.

"Because..." Valentina exhaled, getting onto Lilith's bed. "I said so," she finished, one arm tucked under her head as she got comfortable.

Lilith stood in the middle of the room, shocked at how fast—and almost rudely—the woman had made herself at home.

"What?" the woman asked, covering her legs with a beige, fluffy blanket.

"Is this not the bed that is supposed to give me back pain? Do you have another?" Valentina asked, raising her brow.

"I'm going to take a shower."

Lilith rolled her eyes, immediately turning around—not expecting the woman to take the word sleepover so seriously and just lay on her bed, ready to sleep.

And as soon as Lilith escaped the room, Valentina got up.

More and more days with Lilith had proven that Valentina wasn't as objectively perfect as she seemed.

She wouldn't go over things in someone's room if they weren't Lilith, though.

She started with the vanity desk.

Papers and notes scattered across it caught her attention. There was a lot of makeup anyone might pass over quickly, but she picked up most of the products, reading the labels carefully.

A mug with half finished tea sat nearby. She lifted it quietly, sniffing the liquid inside, trying to figure out what kind of tea it could be.

A few books were stacked neatly on shelves, alongside plushies. The huge white rabbit stuffed toy rested in the corner on the carpet next to the wardrobe. It was clearly smudged with makeup in a few places, but it was good. That meant it was sometimes picked up and used.

If anyone else thought there was a line in going through someone's things, Valentina definitely crossed it when she opened the wardrobe.

She recognized a few familiar pieces but didn't bother rifling through the drawers with bras, panties, and socks—all black, white, or soft pink.

Some had lace, some were very basic. She closed the wardrobe, then turned back to the bed.

She could either choose to inspect the drawers in the nightstand or the book that sat on top of it.

She chose the book.

A bit of literature before bed couldn't hurt, could it?

There was a bookmark in the middle. She sat on the bed, crossing one leg over the other, and opened to the first page.

Her eyes caught the handwritten note.

I know how difficult sleep and its little rituals were in the earliest stages of your life, and as we have talked about, you sometimes wish you could go back and experience those moments differently.

That is why I wanted to gift you these small bedtime stories.

They are not really meant for children because I doubt they would find much clarity or meaning in them, but many are marked with a few of my comments.

I hope you can return to them from time to time and spend a little while thinking about yourself in a way that feels lighter than your usual reflections.

—V. Lockhart

Before she could physically react to what she had just read, Lilith appeared.

She carefully opened the door wider with her bare foot, carrying a hot mug of tea and a vape in her hands. Her hair was tied up, her face bare, redness and irritation visible from the last week taking its toll. She wore a baggy black t shirt.

She was so focused on not spilling the tea that she didn't notice Valentina at first. But as she neared the bed, her eyes widened softly as she took in the sight of the woman. She placed the tea on the nightstand.

"Oh. This is the book I was talking about," Lilith said, pointing with her finger at the book Valentina held delicately between her manicured fingers.

"Vivienne Lockart," Valentina read.

"Your therapist," she added.

"Yeah..." Lilith said quietly.

She wasn't sure whether her embarrassment came from how private the book felt or from pointing out how silly it was to gift something like that.

Still, she didn't feel much worry.

Even without reading the entire book, she flipped through everything, relieved that none of the most personal details were mentioned. Many of the stories were annotated in a way that left her guessing, forcing her to figure out what the woman wanted her to take from them.

"Bedtime stories," Valentina said.

All Lilith did was nod, reaching out to close the book—but the woman's hands caught hers.

"I want to read," she said, not caring at all about being considerate or respectful.

"Sure," Lilith whined.

"Do you read them often?" Valentina asked, flipping the pages and focusing on the paragraphs with the annotations.

"Not really, but... coming back reminded me of it," Lilith said, taking the mug in her hands and sipping slowly, trying not to burn her tongue, switching between a few puffs of her vape and sips while Valentina continued.

"You never mentioned how long you were in therapy," Valentina asked.

"A year. After I turned eighteen," Lilith said softly.

She expected another question, but Valentina was so absorbed in the book that it made her feel so strange. She wanted to take it from her, close it, and throw it out.

"You're so quiet," Lilith remarked, frowning.

"I'm reading," Valentina said.

"Mhm," the girl murmured.

She leaned in, resting her chin on Valentina's shoulder, and pressed a soft kiss through the silk.

She felt deeply responsible for whatever thoughts formed in Valentina's mind, protective both of what the woman held in her hands and what she carried in her head.

Valentina tore her eyes from the book to look at the girl—her bare face, her nose, her long lashes, her sincere gaze. She closed the book and placed it somewhere on the bed.

"I like being with you like that," Lilith said quietly.

"It is the nighttime little ritual that I'd like," she murmured, her gaze softening as her thoughts drifted back to the first page Vivienne had written, memorized by the girl.

Her words might have seemed as if she were trying to soothe the woman, but she was entirely sincere.

Valentina's face softened.

Her fingers lifted Lilith's chin, guiding her head off her shoulder, her palm resting gently on Lilith's cheek as she held her gaze deeply.

Lilith would lie if she said her eyes didn't tear up slightly—but luckily, it wasn't noticeable. She wanted many things in her life, but this one was the purest. Even so, she felt the need to throw out something impulsive.

"Do you want to kiss me?"

Obviously, it did sound ridiculous, but at the word kiss, Valentina immediately leaned in, pressing her lips softly to Lilith's.

And, as if aware of what had been said, she chuckled against them.

"I like being with you too," she said, a soft smile spreading across her face as she parted their lips.

"More than you can imagine," she added, stroking Lilith's cheek.

?

"Chiara wanted me to ask you," Valentina murmured, focused on her phone. Her back was pressed against a few pillows she had stolen, while Lilith happily took a place on the woman's legs, her head resting on her knees, the rest of her body sprawled comfortably on the bed.

"Hm?" the girl murmured.

"What are you doing for christmas?" Valentina asked casually.

"I'm not sure yet..." Lilith's eyes lifted to the woman's face. She gave her the same exact response she had given her mother.

"I would like you to spend it with me," Valentina said, her eyes still not meeting Lilith's.

"Or rather... with us," she added after a second.

"Okay... I'll see what I can do," Lilith nodded. She was so focused on the present moment that she hadn't realized christmas was coming soon. Even though she loved this month and the season overall, it always, somehow, turned cruel and harsh.

"We'll spend it at my parents' place. It's such a huge house... there's definitely room for one more." Valentina smiled to herself as she typed something on her phone.

"Are many of your family coming?" Lilith asked.

"Probably," Valentina said.

"Oh god," Lilith sighed, making Valentina chuckle softly.

"If they don't choose a ski trip," Valentina added with a grin, correcting her previous statement, "they're way too spoiled."

Lilith exhaled and sat up, reaching for the now cold mug of tea. She took a small sip of the last bit, while Valentina, finally ready to end her bedtime phone session, seemed to shift her attention.

"Time for a story," the woman said, lifting the book into her hands and tugging a blanket over both herself and Lilith.

Lilith buried her head in the pillow with another sigh. "Mate," she muttered, annoyed and entirely unconcerned with the word she'd used.

"Did you say something?" Valentina asked.

"No," the girl murmured.

She wasn't sure whether Valentina's relentlessness was a good trait or not. In romantic relationships, it could be both a blessing and a curse. The worst part was that, even if Lilith had once pointed it out, Valentina was already very aware of it.

"Do you want to choose one?" Valentina asked, slipping her back lower so she could be more within Lilith's line of sight.

"No. Go ahead, Valentina," Lilith muttered, already knowing that no matter what, the woman had decided she would read one of the stories tonight.

"Thank you, Lilith," Valentina said, nodding as she flipped through the pages. Lilith could protest, but there would be no result—so she let herself curl against Valentina's side, patiently waiting for her to choose.

"The Girl's Jar," Valentina read aloud, stating the title of the story she was about to read.

It was obviously intentional.

A handwritten annotation in black pen on the side noted that it would probably be the girl's favorite one—or if not her favorite, still worth thinking about.

Lilith chuckled softly, falling quiet, lifting her gaze to see the woman so focused on the printed words.

"There was a girl who kept a jar," the brunette woman began.

"It was small and ordinary, but the things inside were anything but.

Inside, half liquid bubbles shifted in vibrant colours every time the jar was touched.

She carried it everywhere, careful not to shake it too much, lose it.

.. or worse... let it open," she read, her gaze flickering to Lilith, who focused on the woman's voice, listened softly.

"She had never opened it because she was too scared, even though she knew exactly what the jar hid."

As she finished the first paragraph, her eyes caught a question scribbled in black pen on the side, What would be in your jar?

The question irked her so much. So personal, directed straight at the girl.

"There was a man who visited her often... someone she knew very well, and with every visit he became more aware of the jar," Valentina continued.

"At first he saw peeks of it in her bag... then it appeared on the table, and once even on the floor. This time, after many visits, it ended up in his lap... and she did not like it being here."

Valentina swallowed and flipped the page.

"Let me open it, he said," she read, switching her tone slightly, as if she were the character.

"No, the girl replied," she continued.

And even though Lilith had read this story before, she was now more focused than ever, drawn in by the gentle way Valentina told it.

"He touched the lid, and she imagined it opening. She saw her hair cut in half, instantly... and sharply. Her face shifted into someone else entirely, and her voice changed into a high pitched tone she didn't recognise...Everything seemed to shift and crack."

Valentina continued, adding a subtle thread of dread into the moment, which made Lilith smile softly.

The woman's voice calmed as she read, "You can trust me, he said very frustrated."

She went on. "But she did not. He left, stepping into the cold night, his boots slowly covering in snow, as the now lonely girl looked at the glowing jar. The lid wasn't as tightly closed anymore, and she opened it just a little... enough to peek."

Lilith listened, knowing the story was slowly ending. She let her eyes drift slowly, absorbing every word.

"She touched her hair... it was the same length. She touched her face... it felt the same. She spoke, testing her voice, and nothing changed."

Valentina read the annotation on the margin.

I liked how the cut hair was mentioned, since i know how much you care about it.

A smiley face was drawn at the end.

Nearing the last sentence, she stopped for a second before reading the final line.

"Next time, she decided...she would let him break the jar."

She looked down at the girl, whose eyes were closed.

Instead of closing the book, Valentina's gaze stayed on the accumulated annotation at the end.

I hope you'll take this one very personally. I know a lot of things that could be in that jar, but any time you read this it can be something else. There doesn't need to be any person like the man. Treat that man like yourself.

Valentina closed the book after reading the annotation.

She wasn't happy that the book existed, but she was glad that, even if it did... it was quite small in size.

So that when the blonde girl, who was drifting towards sleep, was fully asleep, the book would find a new temporary home—Valentina's coat pocket.