Understood

chapter 51 ⚚

Lilith truly couldn't care less when she was in the comfort of her own bed.

But maybe she should care about the number of alarms she set the evening before—forgetting, of course, that while they would barely wake her, they would certainly wake Valentina.

The woman stirred with the first alarm, letting herself turn it off and allow the girl to sleep a little longer. She hadn't expected the second one to follow just two minutes later. So four alarms went off like that, each one more insistent than the last.

Eventually, Valentina's patience frayed, the unbearable, loud sound feeling more like a declaration of war than a wake up call. But as soon as Lilith woke up, the only thing Valentina heard was a muttered, "Oh, fuck off."

The blonde rose slowly, taking her phone from Valentina's hands. After unlocking it, she turned off the next dozens of alarms she had set, her face falling straight into the pillow again.

Valentina's eyes widened. "Do you really need that many?" she asked, her voice not raspy, just tired and disbelieving, as she fought not to mutter a sharper word that might jolt the girl fully awake.

"Yeah," Lilith murmured, her face nuzzling deeper into the pillow.

Valentina stared at her slowly.

Would there ever be a night in her life when she wouldn't wake up at least once while sleeping next to the girl?

Probably not.

Lilith moved around too much. And just as Valentina thought that the cuddled up girl might finally settle, she stirred again and again, turning her back to her.

Lilith almost let herself fall asleep again, her body sinking back into the mattress instinctively.

But the thought of Valentina leaving soon—not even for work, just back to her own place to get ready—made her want to sob quietly from the inside.

She would take time with Valentina over sleep.

Always.

"Did you sleep well?" she asked softly.

Valentina's hand came to rest on top of Lilith's head, fingers slipping into her hair in a slow, absent caress as she only exhaled in response.

"Was I moving too much?" Lilith asked, squinting her eyes, her voice still thick with sleep.

"I think we should just... stick to my bed from now on," Valentina said, very matter of fact.

As infuriating as Lilith could be on a daily basis, this was the first time Valentina had felt physically frustrated by her—and the lack of sleep, along with a bed smaller than hers, had done nothing to help.

"Are you that fed up?" Lilith laughed, sleepily, her voice a little harsher than usual.

"I'm serious," Valentina murmured.

The woman looked far duller than usual and compared to how she usually looked waking up in her own bed, it was as if Lilith had given her the biggest mental breakdown ever—which made Lilith smile at her fondly.

Lilith Hawthorne was a clingy girl—obviously so.

That was why she pushed herself up, only to immediately let herself fall straight back down, settling fully on top of Valentina.

Her face landed against the woman's stomach, as if the weight alone might soothe the slight furrow forming between her brows—though she was probably only adding to the discomfort of a woman who hadn't slept well at all.

Her pale, slightly cold fingers decided—softly and very carefully—to pull the silk material covering Valentina higher, meeting warm, olive toned skin.

Lilith loved Valentina's body.

Not in a loud or hungry way, but with a small appreciation for anything that was about Valentina, or just Valentina herself. The woman took care of herself in every aspect of her life, but never excessively. And even so, there was no denying how genetically blessed she was.

She pressed a gentle kiss to her stomach, then another, the kisses drifting subtly downwards.

From the side, the image would not have looked innocent at all—especially when Valentina's hand settled on the girl's head, fingers threading through her hair, applying just a little more pressure.

Enough to turn soft pecks into something more proper.

Valentina didn't say anything. She didn't make a sound of approval or encouragement. She simply let it happen.

"Still annoyed?" Lilith mumbled.

"You did warn me, after all, didn't you," Valentina sighed.

Lilith lifted her head to look at her, only for Valentina's hand to press her down again.

When Lilith decided she was done, she settled calmly on Valentina's bare stomach, her cheek resting there as if she were the most spoiled girl in the world—choosing where her body lay felt like it lived up to her standards.

"Sorry if I let myself act too bold or careless with you," Lilith said.

She didn't sound anxious or upset. She simply placed the thought between them, adding her usual small, light sorry.

"Why?" Valentina asked. Her tone was more alive now.. "I'd want you to behave freely."

"I know," Lilith smiled softly, soaking in the warmth beneath her. Maybe with Valentina, she would never complain about being cold—especially when the only thing covering her at night was a blanket she always kicked away.

"I just feel quite different when I'm with you," she continued, chuckling quietly, as if she'd accidentally and obliviously confessed something intimate without realizing it. "Not in any negative way, though."

She paused, then added, "Even with Gabrielle, I keep myself in check a little. I'm not sure if that makes sense."

Lilith had taken Vivienne's order to heart and actually thought about her best friend. She hadn't had much time to reach a conclusion, but what was clear was that—even with the loveliest curly headed girl—she still held back a little.

"It does," the brunette woman hummed, reassuring Lilith without even meaning to. "If it makes you feel a little more peaceful, I act different when I'm with you, too," Valentina finished—though it was obvious.

Stating something obvious could be comforting—it often was when one's mind wandered to unanswered questions that offered no clear answer. Being reminded of something real and certain had a soothing effect.

"How so?" Lilith asked curiously.

She needed to know how different she was to the woman. What place she held in her heart or mind. That she was special to her.

"I enjoy myself better," Valentina smiled softly.

"You do make me lose my mind, but... you also add some colour to this very tragic life," she finished, her tone shifting into something almost Lilith like—nearly whining, complaining about how horribly life treated her, even though it clearly didn't and she wasn't the one in the position to say such things.

"Thanks," Lilith shot up shyly.

"You know," Valentina continued, honesty settling into her voice, "even though I rarely find myself unable to express things, this is hard to explain." Her brow lifted slightly.

"I still want to hear whatever you can give me," Lilith said, nodding.

It felt difficult—saying the right thing, showing how much she cared about the woman's thoughts.

If she could, she'd invite Valentina Salvatore straight into her heart in those moments of closeness, just so the woman could see how full it was of that care.

Valentina's nails scratched softly against Lilith's scalp.

"I just don't want you to see me as a careless girl," Lilith said.

"Just because you feel comfortable being carefree around me doesn't mean your mind is any less sharp," Valentina replied. Then she added, "Besides... I've kept people in check my whole life. I think I'm doing a decent job."

That earned a chuckle from the blonde.

"My father would be so disappointed seeing me act like this," Lilith winced lightly at herself.

Valentina's brows furrowed. "Why?"

"I think it's because he always wanted us to present ourselves nicely to the world, no matter who it was," Lilith said.

"I didn't embarrass myself in front of him as often as I do in front of you, but still.

.." She smiled softly. It wasn't a big issue.

It had shaped her and Oscar somehow, but it wasn't something that hurt her.

"I guess because of that, Oscar and I have very nervous, worried minds, trying to make everything look very put together," she continued, talking the woman's ears off.

"Oh, trust me, I see it almost every day," Valentina laughed softly.

"Really?" Lilith lifted her head, curious.

"Any time he presents a project, he looks like he might faint," Valentina said, looking down at the girl who tried not to laugh.

"He's very hardworking," Valentina added.

That earned her the sweetest smile.

"I really do present myself nicely," Lilith tried again, raising her tone slightly, tilting her head as if she could sell the idea to Valentina. "Just not in... relationships," she muttered.

Lilith wanted to present herself nicely in front of Valentina one day.

But how, when there were so many emotions involved. How, when she felt like she was under a spell every time she heard the woman's voice, every time Valentina appeared in her thoughts, every time she saw her.

"You must've been an exemplary child, then," Valentina hummed.

"Weren't you?" Lilith asked, giggling softly.

"Oh, no. I didn't cause trouble, but I've never made a good impression," Valentina said, her expression shifting into looking very guilty, a slight wince following. "I tend to be a little mean to new people I meet."

"Even when you were a kid?" Lilith asked, eyes widening.

"I was even worse," Valentina whispered, genuinely horrified by her own confession.

Lilith only kept smiling at her, dreamy and unbothered, as if the idea softened her rather than alarmed her.

"It's like a test," Lilith said.

Her lips met Valentina's skin again, just long enough to murmur, "One I wouldn't mind retaking." A small grin tugged at her lips.

"You'll be the death of me," Valentina exhaled.

Her hand settled on Lilith's back, fingers gently scratching, so slow and grounding.

"That's sexy," Lilith grinned, melting instantly.

"I like it," Lilith added quietly.

Valentina's hand slipped under her shirt, caressing, scratching, touching her sides and back She pinched her side softly, then cupped her waist, signaling Lilith to sit up, to change her position, to move until she was straddling Valentina's lap.

"Hmm, do you?" the woman murmured. Both of her hands were under the girl's shirt, while one settled on her waist, the other explored her bare back, then her stomach, slowly moving higher.

Lilith felt like she could only moan at the touch, but as Valentina's fingers brushed beneath her breasts, she leaned in and kissed her.

What else could Valentina take this for, if not a sign to keep going? To keep doing what she wanted, what she craved? What she wanted to touch, and what she already considered hers?

That's why her hand went higher, cupping the girl's breast and making her gasp softly into the kiss. The gasp allowed Valentina's tongue to softly enter the girl's soft mouth.

Valentina felt like such a filthy woman for thinking about the girl's breasts this often.

But how could she not, when they basically teased her every time she was in the girl's presence? Whether they were bare and softly pressing against her soft, lacy tops, almost spilling out, or when covered in a nice bra that pushed them up just for Valentina to take a look.

The moment Valentina could finally touch them herself and feel them made her feel like a high school girl.

She very slowly let the girl accommodate to their tongues moving back and forth in each other's mouths.

The girl was so responsive, nothing could have ever prepared Valentina for it.

Not for every small sound and whimper, which was the reason for every little shift of Valentina's hand or tongue.

It truly made the woman's ego swell. She felt so hungry for the reactions, especially when she knew how expressive the girl could be.

Lilith shifted on the woman's lap, and it was probably one of her first times ever—not just making out or being touched in that way, but the feeling of a peaceful, addicting emptiness in her mind that she could only compare to drugs.

Valentina Salvatore had never had a specific thing she obsessed about, but Lilith's big, soft breasts for her to touch, while her long, blonde hair—untied—brushed the second hand she had on the girl's waist, was the simplest, somewhat sexual fantasy she had ever created in her mind.

The fantasy was much broader. There was much more to it, but it would taste better if she waited and took a small bite out of it before completing it fully.

And if Lilith thought Valentina would limit herself to just soft morning caresses, she was wrong. The need to be a little cruel always won when it came to Valentina.

That's why she was rewarded with Lilith biting down on her lip the moment her thumb and index finger found the girl's nipple, softly pinching it.

And if Lilith thought it would be playful, that Valentina wouldn't take her time to enjoy it as much as she did, she was also wrong.

Their lips parted as Valentina's fingers started to play with it. Lilith's face went straight to Valentina's crook of neck once again, shifting on the woman's lap and almost grinding on it, just for her own pleasure, her panties wet, not shameful of the fact the woman could probably feel it.

Her mind was filled with a willingness to let the woman take anything she wanted, to take off the shirt herself.

"Do you like this too?" Valentina asked, slightly out of breath, as she twisted the nipple, played with it and stroked it, which made the sensitive girl whine.

"Val."

"Yes, sweetheart?" the woman asked. Her fingers disappeared for a second, just to avoid overstimulating the girl, trying to see and explore the way Lilith reacted to everything.

And even if she whined because it almost hurt, Lilith enjoyed it more than ever, discovering a thing she would probably later consider her favorite.

The break Valentina gave Lilith didn't last long as she resumed torturing her, earning another desperate, almost embarrassing whine.

Valentina's other hand disappeared from her waist for a second to cup the girl's jaw, making her head and face rise from the crook of her neck.

"Open," the woman said, not needing to clarify further as Lilith's mouth opened obediently, waiting for the finger that had been playing with her nipple to enter.

As soon as it was inside, it went way deeper than the first time Valentina had put it in her mouth in her office. It wasn't as slow or sensual, but rather harsher, making the girl just want to suck more, though that clearly wasn't what Valentina wanted in that moment.

One hand went back to her waist and the other to her nipple, spreading the saliva. It soothed Lilith a little, yet at the same time made her even more sensitive.

"So you do like it," Valentina laughed as she softly tugged on the nipple, a bit harsher this time.

"I do," Lilith mumbled, her face back in woman's neck. She truly had no idea how to act.

"I didn't hear you," Valentina said, tilting her head in a near pout, switching from tugging to stroking and then twisting it once again.

"I do," Lilith repeated, an absolute mess, shifting over and over in the woman's lap.

Normally, Valentina wouldn't let the girl hide her face. She would like to see the slight embarrassment of the girl not knowing how to be. But her hand stopped, and with a slight, last caress, she fixed the girl's shirt.

"You see... you're such a tease, but the moment I react to it, you get so quiet, Lilith," Valentina hummed, her hand going to the back of Lilith's head to softly caress her hair.

And God, maybe it wasn't a good idea.

The girl kept quiet without a verbal response, the only response Valentina received was a soft, shy kiss on her neck, as if to say the girl wanted to continue, and maybe wanted to get even more.

The fabric of her shirt on her breasts felt sharp and uncomfortable.

"Come on, doll," the woman said, her tone so soft it finally made Lilith turn her head, reacting more to the gentleness than to the pet name itself.

"That's a new one," she smiled quietly, as if nothing had happened a few seconds ago.

"I'll be late for work," Valentina said, pressing a kiss to the girl's forehead. The thought sat heavy in her chest—introducing Lilith to something new only to disappear moments later.

It felt so unfair and unbalanced.

Lilith made her forget too easily.

"I know," Lilith frowned.

The only part of the day she truly enjoyed was ending, yet she didn't feel as gloomy as she expected. The sadness was there, muted, tucked somewhere deep where it couldn't quite hurt her yet.

Valentina's hand moved through her hair slowly, as if signaling that the sweet dreams—ones that hadn't even been dreams—were nearing their finish line.

"Are you alright?" she coaxed when Lilith stayed quiet.

"Yeah," Lilith chuckled, embarrassed, not quite able to meet her favorite pair of eyes.

"Are we sure?" Valentina asked gently, as if it were aftercare, though after something many wouldn't even consider an act.

"Don't worry," Lilith said, lifting her gaze just long enough to give her a lighthearted wink.

She felt a bit out of place, but not in a bad way. She was happy that she felt confident and comfortable enough to simply enjoy the moment—and the fact that the woman still made it feel enough without even undressing her.

Finally after few minutes, Valentina stood, stretching her arms with a quiet sigh.

"I think I need a day for myself," she murmured, looking down at the girl who still sat into the bed.

"Work is really tiring me out," she added, a soft, genuine frown settling on her lips.

"Rhys has been feeling joyful lately," she continued, rolling her eyes. "He said he'd like to invite you out for drinks, so...

clear your schedule."

"I'd propose something," Lilith started softly, focusing only on how exhausted Valentina sounded, intentionally ignoring the mention of the man, "but since it's a day only for yourself..."

She paused.

"Rest, please," she finished, endearment lacing every word.

"I have a free evening today," Valentina sighed, smiling down at the sweet girl. "I'll try."

?

The evening was truly very free.

Valentina could have run a hot bath, ordered food, touched herself in any way she pleased, or simply gone to sleep earlier than usual. Any of it would have fit the promise she had made—to herself, mostly.

But sitting in her home office didn't seem like such a bad alternative. Not when her life, lately, had been so thoroughly engrossed with Lilith.

Was the book really that important to the girl?

Maybe it wasn't.

Lilith hadn't even noticed it missing. And even if she had—which Valentina wasn't entirely sure about—she probably didn't care enough to ask. She might have assumed it had simply been moved. Or that even if it wasn't in the same room she had fallen asleep in, it was still in safe hands.

Were Valentina's hands actually safe?

She chose the most ambient, quiet jazz she could find and let it hum softly through the room. Then she opened the book.

She skipped the first page, already remembering what it said, and went straight into the stories.

Were they actually good?

Valentina told herself they were mediocre. She insisted on it, even. Yet she couldn't help imagining the blonde girl finding small things inside them that would make her reflect.

And that, perhaps, was what irritated her the most.

One very short annotation caught her attention.

As you once mentioned you enjoy baking, and even though this recipe isn't probably as sweet as the treats you make, you should follow it sometimes.

Valentina didn't give a fuck about the meaning of the recipe hidden inside the story. She didn't care what it symbolized or what it was supposed to teach.

She cared about the fact that the woman had known Lilith liked baking.

Valentina liked repetitive things.

She liked consistency and patterns that repeated themselves without explanation—just like she knew Lilith did too.

One of the most consistent things she received were the sweet treats Lilith brought her.

It had felt like something reserved.

It didn't feel like that. It was.

And if it wasn't—it should be.

She flipped another page.

Then another.

One of the next annotations stopped her once again.

Many things in this world are deep, even though people often downplay them. And as much as I can agree with your strong dislike for shallow people, what if something is actually small? What if it's as light as this man's loose shoelaces? You would be able to tighten them up, wouldn't you?

The man's shoelaces would be a problem if Valentina entered that imagined story and cut them into pieces.

It was unbelievable to her—how this woman, a stranger, could know what Lilith disliked. Who she disliked. The particular kind of people that made her whine and complain.

At times, Valentina understood perfectly how grown people could behave like children.

She wasn't any better.

She flipped through the remaining pages faster now, irritation creeping into her movements, until she reached the very last one.

She glanced at her phone.

An hour.

An entire hour spent on something that shouldn't have existed in the first place.

The final note read.

I would obviously love to hear your thoughts on these, as well as your favourites, and see if I guessed correctly.

Even though I'm almost sure I did, but I think it's even better that I don't know, and that I can leave you with a few questions instead.

You're a good, strong, bright young woman, Lilith.

Thank you for our work together. You've taught me a lot.

Lower, beneath the note, written in smaller letters, was the woman's number.

In case you ever needed anything.

Had Valentina ever truly lost it?

If she were forced to answer that question honestly, she would have to recall a few moments when her patience had worn thin enough to crack.

But none of them compared to this.

So what would any sane person say, watching her return to the very first page of the book and begin ripping it out?

Valentina Salvatore possessed a great deal of restraint.

But everyone was human.

That was why she didn't stop at the first page.

She moved to the next.

Then another.

Then the one after that.

Once again, she found herself grateful that the book was small. That it didn't have many pages to begin with.

But was there even a measure for how many pages ripped from a book became too many?

Clearly not.

She tore out every single one, until nothing remained but the minimalist cover.

She exhaled at the sight of the scattered papers on her desk, as if she had just finished a tiring task. The distaste on her face was unmistakable. Pages mixed with her own sketches she herself draw.

Without bothering to keep any order, she gathered them all and shoved them back into the empty cover, careless and lazy. She slid it into her favorite drawer and closed it.

Then she reached for her phone.

She made a phone call, already mapping out her schedule in her mind.

?

If Valentina would get upset at the thought of Lilith sharing any sweet treat with Vivienne, she would have cried if she had seen this.

"Do you want some?" Lilith asked, her mouth full, chewing on the soft cookie as she tore small pieces off with her fingers. Sitting cross legged on the couch, one she had been enjoying more and more lately.

Lilith could lie down all day.

Anywhere.

At any time.

Not in a depressing way. She sometimes imagined the perfect day belonging entirely to her: testing every couch and every bed in the world and then deciding which one felt best.

"No, thank you," Vivienne nodded softly at the girl.

Lilith shrugged, clearly deciding it was the woman's loss. Saying no to a cookie was something she judged.

"So," Vivienne sighed, attempting to keep the conversation alive.

"So... we talked," Lilith said nonchalantly. "It was pretty awkward, but she needs it."

She focused on not leaving crumbs anywhere—her clothes, the couch, the floor—treating it like a small and very serious task.

"Did she tell you that?" Miss Lockhart asked.

Lilith's mother had called the previous evening. Surprisingly, they had managed to talk without arguing for almost exactly an hour.

Did her mother really need to talk to her daughter?

Did she really need Lilith?

"No, but I can feel it," Lilith answered.

"I don't really mind it, you know," she added lightly.

"So you think she needs it. What about you?" the woman asked.

"Hm?" Lilith murmured, caught off guard.

"Do you need it?" Miss Lockhart clarified.

"I don't think so... or... I don't know. Maybe unconsciously?" the blonde haired girl wondered aloud, tilting her head slightly.

"Help me understand," the woman said, crossing one leg over the other, her gaze steady, entirely focused on the girl before her.

"She obviously hurt you. You did say many times you feel better when you guys don't have contact–but you don't mind it now?" Vivienne pressed gently.

"I hate her, but I feel bad for her. That's why," Lilith said simply, then added half sighing and half whining, "I'm a weak girl."

"You're not weak, Lilith. You're just empathetic," the woman corrected her calmly.

Lilith pouted ironically. "It's a very tragic... sad... very sad weakness."

"But no, seriously," she continued more earnestly. "As soon as she acts up again, we're back to no talking."

"We both run to each other when we're desperate," she added, her tone even. "Which is obviously bad, but I like that I'm in control of it."

"I think after what happened, there's nothing wrong with that," the woman said thoughtfully, her eyes softening.

"With me being in control?" Lilith asked, squinting at the woman who looked unusually tired today.

"Yes," Vivienne nodded, sure.

"I treat it like..." Lilith started, but the phone she had left on the table between them began ringing.

She glanced down at it, blurting out quickly, "Gabi," which earned a soft smile from Vivienne, which was a permission to answer it.

With one swift movement, Lilith shoved the rest of the cookie into her mouth, grabbed the phone, and lifted it to her ear.

"Hello, my beautiful Gabrielle," she said brightly.

"I'll call you back, okay?" she added quickly, trying to keep the conversation brief so as not to appear impolite to the older woman, who looked down at her iPad, giving Lilith the space to speak freely.

"Okay. Love you," Lilith murmured, ending the call after Gabrielle agreed.

"Sorry," Lilith mumbled, turning back to Vivienne. "She wants to go out for drinks." Lilith tilted her head, explaining what the girl was calling about.

When she really thought about it, hanging out as an adult was mostly just going out for drinks—again and again, every week.

"It's okay," Vivienne replied, and silence settled between them.

The woman seemed lost in thought, which struck Lilith as unusual—nothing she had said should have made Vivienne pause like that.

"How are you feeling today, Lilith?" Vivienne asked, curiosity dominating her voice.

Her question came not just from simple politeness and obligation, but from observing how Lilith had greeted her best friend, and how many of her answers had sounded nonchalant, almost detached, yet still engaging.

"Great, actually," Lilith smiled softly.

"I'd say this week was great, but it hasn't ended yet, so I don't want to jinx it," she added

"Did anything exciting or...simply great happen?" Miss Lockhart asked.

Lilith fell silent, as if she'd been sweetly caught doing something innocent, not bad.

"Well... yeah, but..." she started slowly, hesitating.

"You don't want to talk about it," Miss Lockhart chuckled, already knowing the answer.

"Exactly," Lilith replied, smiling at her charmingly.

She wasn't going to talk about the moment she had shared with Valentina a few mornings ago.

She feared that if she did, she'd start crying—from how much she missed the woman who had texted her every few hours and called only twice, sadly, in the past four days.

She could have whined about it, but instead, she felt quietly content with how everything looked, even if the moment after Valentina left that morning had brought a crushing, almost pathetic wave of sadness.

She had managed it.

She had waited for it to pass without reacting.

And wouldn't you call that the biggest success of the month?

Maybe, if Lilith allowed herself a little thought of Valentina while reflecting on her accomplishment, she'd call herself the woman's good girl.