chapter 59 ⚚ ⚚ ⚚
apologies for the delay. i hope that
the suffering remained manageable.
love, admi?
It was truly all Valentina's fault.
It got darker way faster than both of them expected.
At first, it wasn't that cold. The day offered no wind previously, so why would it offer it now?
Probably only to scare Lilith more.
It got less quiet and the wind moved very irregularly, stopping from time to time.
It seemed like Valentina forgot how huge the garden could be, but at some point, when the darkness settled in, neither of them really knew if they were still on Valentina's parents' property or if it was already the large forest.
It was the forest.
Lilith, of course, was the first one to suggest going back—not only because of the upcoming night, but because of how stiff and cold her bones started to feel. But since Valentina was very up for a peaceful walk, she dragged the short girl with her.
The branches crushed softly beneath their boots, which became damp from the leftover snow from a few days ago that still hadn't melted.
The trees around them looked sad. The ones whose leaves left and wouldn't come back till spring looked dry and cold, but just a few steps further there were various pines and needle leaf trees that definitely outnumbered the sad ones, looking terrifying.
They formed solid walls on each side, leaving little space between them.
Lilith wasn't sure if she had ever seen trees that tall and old.
Even though a long time ago they decided it was time to come back, it seemed like they were only taking steps further and further into the forest.
"I am fucking done," Lilith muttered.
"We are lost," she added.
Her fingers, which gripped her phone with the flashlight on, were so cold she started losing feeling in them.
Her hand wasn't in Valentina's pocket together with the woman's hand, even though Valentina proposed it.
The girl was so irritated she felt like any romantic attempt at holding hands in such a situation would make her break Valentina's fingers.
"We're not. Calm down," Valentina huffed slightly, her lips getting dry from the cold air she breathed in and out. She squinted softly, stopping and turning around to look at the darkness behind her. She tilted her head, wondering if they actually were going deeper into the forest.
She didn't pay attention to the blonde girl for a second, but as soon as she noticed how it got even darker, she quickly turned around to see the girl much ahead of her.
And suddenly her strange delusions came back.
The sight was strangely pleasing for the older woman. She didn't feel scared at all. She wasn't really irritated, even though she could feel the coldness hitting her too. The forest was quiet at the moment. All she could hear was the blonde girl cursing and muttering offensive things.
But they were alone.
The light from the girl's phone from afar wrapped around her, making her look like a little bright creature in this dark void. There was something wrong with the woman for imagining that the angel decided to grace her in the darkness.
She tried not to chuckle to herself before trying to catch up with the girl.
"Hey, don't leave me here," she called out.
"Then move your fucking feet, lady," the blonde yelled back, her annoyed voice echoing.
Her pace was quick, but as soon as she heard a little crack somewhere inside the trees next to her, she quickly stopped in her tracks, turning around instinctively for safety.
"You are irresponsible," she said to the tall woman who caught up.
"Because...?" the woman murmured.
"Because?" Lilith huffed in disbelief. "You brought me into a huge forest when it was already getting dark, and you've never even been here." Lilith accused her.
"I have." Valentina's eyebrow rose.
"Yeah, ten years ago," Lilith muttered, still standing in place.
"Why aren't you moving? I thought we're in a rush?" Valentina asked, stepping closer.
"We are. I just..." Lilith looked around. "Heard something."
As much as Valentina wasn't really worried, she still looked around slightly alert.
"Let's go." She nodded forward at Lilith.
"Don't stress me out," Lilith whined loudly, moving together with the woman.
"What?" Valentina asked, her voice slightly pitched.
"You were supposed to laugh? I don't know?" Lilith shrugged harshly. "Take this. I can't feel my fingers," she said, passing her phone to Valentina before hiding her hands in the cold pockets that didn't do much.
"You never know," Lilith continued. "It could be insane people fucking in the forest or an actual bear... though I think they might be hibernating right now," she murmured thoughtfully.
"I don't think they're sleeping through the whole winter," Valentina said, fighting back a smile as she kept scaring the girl.
"Yeah. We're dead," Lilith exhaled, giggling a little.
"I'd say you'd be a really lucky girl if you found a bear here" Valentina hummed.
"What's lucky about that?" Lilith winced slightly.
"I'm just saying that they're rare," Valentina replied with a soft shrug.
"It's probably just a deer," she continued.
"A harmless one," she added quickly as she noticed Lilith's blue eyes widening.
"It's probably fucking hungry, waiting to eat me," the younger girl scoffed mockingly, correcting the woman.
Lilith sounded like someone who had just learned what curse words were and had a limit on how often she could use them, choosing to use them all up within fifteen minutes.
"Sweetheart, a deer won't eat you," Valentina exhaled softly.
"But it might attack me. Deer are scary fuckers," Lilith spat out. She didn't find the bambi animals cute at night.
"I'm sure it won't," Valentina chuckled.
"Why are you saying it like —" Lilith already started with another accusation, but Valentina was quick to interrupt her.
"I understand that you're scared, but five minutes and we're back," she said calmly.
"Apologise," the girl said after a few seconds of silence.
"I'm sorry," the woman said without arguing. "It was very irresponsible of me and you were right," she added, her arm stretching out behind Lilith to place it on her back, but it failed.
"Thanks," Lilith murmured nonchalantly, her pace fastening so once again she was in front of Valentina.
Without her constant complaints, she actually noticed how soothing it could be and understood why Valentina wasn't panicking.
She decided to shut up for a few moments.
The trees started to get a bit shorter with each step, and Lilith could cry when she noticed lights that were probably the old lamps from the garden.
"I'm making it out alive," she said loudly.
"See?" Valentina murmured behind her.
Lilith sighed, pleased. "I was so scared."
"I hope you won't get sick," Valentina said affectionately, once again catching up with the girl who usually was the one doing that.
"Don't worry. I'm not as annoying as you when I'm sick," Lilith nodded softly.
Even if they were getting closer to the house and garden, Lilith picked up the same rustling sound once again, this time closer. Her head quickly turned to the side, now regretting giving Valentina her phone.
As soon as she heard the sound again, only even more rushed, she nervously looked up at Valentina.
"We've never really talked about this, but... I'm not much of a protector."
"I noticed," Valentina laughed dryly.
"Valentina... there's a fucking animal next to us," Lilith said—or rather half screamed—as the sound of movement didn't stop.
"I'm sorry if you die, I really am," she managed to blurt out before she started running.
She sprinted so fast Valentina's eyes widened.
The older woman's first instinct was to laugh, but she was actually impressed by how fast the blonde haired girl could be, especially because she wasn't the most athletic person. Lilith moved at an impressive pace, and she quickly turned out to be the faster person between the two.
Valentina wondered if she was just getting old or if the girl was simply that freaked out.
Quickly, the woman lost sight of Lilith, and with a sigh she finished the walk towards the garden alone.
The blonde haired girl didn't really care if it was dramatic.
Being a pussy was useful to Lilith.
When Valentina stepped inside the garden, the rustling sound ended on the stone path. Valentina looked down to see that the animal following both of the women was a mere mouse that quickly hid in one of the plants in the dead garden.
Breathing in and then out, she let out a long sigh before stepping inside the house. It seemed like Lilith was already upstairs. The woman wondered if she should prepare herself for her to be mad.
Getting onto the stairs, she looked down at Lilith's phone in her hand. It was like a child getting left with candy they couldn't eat.
Maybe Valentina would resist candy, but not Lilith's phone.
While slowly stepping onto the next steps, she tapped onto the screen. It lit up.
The girl's wallpaper was pink. She read a few notifications, only recognising Gabrielle's name. The curly haired girl was sharing simple things with Lilith. There were a few notifications from various social media apps, but nothing more.
She unlocked the phone, pressing the first number four times, smiling softly. The apps were nicely organised.
She stopped on the third stair.
What exactly did she want to look for?
What did she expect—or not expect—to see?
Was it not taking a step too far?
She moved up the stairs, the phone still unlocked as she stared at it. A murmur coming from above startled her.
"Poor girl," Chiara said.
Valentina's head lifted to see her sister standing there, looking down at her.
Valentina didn't answer. She only looked confused.
Her sister stepped onto the stairs, moving down, and while passing the woman she only shook her head.
"Don't be toxic."
Valentina wasn't toxic—or at least she wasn't trying to be.
At least that's what she told herself either in that moment or right after destroying Lilith's book.
The woman never really went through any of her previous partners' phones.
They wouldn't understand it.
When it came to Katherine, maybe she should have done it to save herself faster. The guy she dated for a brief few months when she was really young, or the woman before Katherine—both they and Valentina from back then seemed so shallow to her now.
They wouldn't have joked about hoping that the woman never ever talked to any other person besides them, but Lilith did.
They wouldn't understand that Valentina came to the realisation that her partner leaving the bed infuriated her.
Was Valentina narcissistic to think that they never even compared to her or to her love?
She wouldn't be wrong if she said that they didn't know what her love was. And that probably was the reason why they didn't last too long.
Valentina ended up frustrated in many moments, which led to fights that weren't even chaotic, big, or cruel. No one was yelling or crying, but they could feel it wasn't what they wanted or needed.
She remembered bumping into someone familiar while on a date with Katherine a few years ago. The woman didn't ask who that was, and even when Valentina told her, she didn't need any details. And that somehow pained Valentina a little. Even if it was such a small thing, she still remembered it.
She remembered asking Katherine to spend simple time with her, whether it was assisting her while Valentina's ideas of buying a place of her own to settle in came up, or when Valentina wanted to try a new recipe while thoughtfully imagining them recreating it together.
The woman was not that into it, she preferred big crowds.
Those partners weren't the perfect match Lilith talked about a few hours ago.
Valentina got lost in thought. She decided to move and ignore Chiara. She clicked on the messages and obviously went straight to Miss Lockhart's name. She scrolled through things quickly, the chat history very short, barely ten messages.
Then dad.
The messages between Lilith and her father looked very similar to the ones between Valentina and her dad. Both fathers offered short replies. She scrolled through useless contacts until she saw unread messages from Lilith's mother.
The girl obviously never mentioned her, but Valentina felt like she was truly kept away from anything about her.
Lilith made Valentina forget that Lilith had a mother.
A mother whose texts Lilith didn't read and ignored.
Just as she was about to read them, she heard a harsh slam from upstairs. She nearly jumped and quickly turned the phone off before heading there.
Lilith was standing right between the bathroom door and the bedroom door.
"Finally. I thought you were dead," she said, rolling her eyes at the woman who was still in her wet boots and coat.
"I could be. You really left me alone with a hungry wolf there," the woman sighed, passing the phone to its owner.
"Consequences, Valentina... consequences," the blonde sighed, entering the bedroom.
"It was a mouse, Lilith." The woman followed, unwrapping her scarf and trying to avoid making a mess with her boots.
"Rodents are scary too," Lilith shrugged while searching for something in her bag. She pulled out body lotion and sat down on the bed.
"You showered," Valentina noted, stepping closer and leaning over the girl, her hand resting on the bed.
"You should undress," Lilith said, leaning back slightly.
The sudden coldness hit Valentina. She actually straightened and began to undress, looking at the girl who paid attention to applying lotion onto her arms.
"Darling, are you mad at me?" the woman asked while hanging her coat on the chair.
"Nope," Lilith responded indifferently.
"Are you sure?" the woman asked, getting onto the bed now undressed. Her skin, muscles, and bones finally started to feel warmth. She lay down very similarly to how she did earlier in the day while measuring the girl's legs.
"Yeah. I'm just... I don't know. I want to go to sleep," the blonde said, her jaw slightly tightened. She was fighting words that were worse and meaner.
"Alright," Valentina exhaled, her hand coming to rest on Lilith's legs.
Lilith wondered how things would look if eventually they ended up living together.
It meant that Valentina would be there every day to deal with her.
As soon as Lilith moved out at eighteen, she never really had a vision of living with someone again. That would be torture for anyone involved.
But unfortunately she had to survive at Valentina's parents' place.
"Would it be horrible if I said I did have fun?" the woman murmured, a slight smile tugging at her lips.
She put her head on Lilith's legs, one of her hands wrapping around the girl's ankle.
She basically clung to Lilith, and the blonde girl had no idea why it bothered her so much.
Why she just wanted to push Valentina off.
Why she wanted to tell her something that would make her do the opposite of cling.
She could really be a bad person.
She told the woman she had no problem with her being clingy, but now, actually feeling it, Lilith felt like it was somehow pathetic.
Why was the woman clinging to her the same way Lilith clung to her? Why was she as weak as Lilith?
"A bit," Lilith tried to smile, her head tilting lightly. She promised herself that no matter what, she wouldn't lash out at the older woman today or tomorrow.
The woman let out a chuckle, settling in with her chin on the girl's knees. Her free hand moved up to the girl's bare thighs. Her fingers pressed into the soft pale skin, squeezing slightly.
"What am I now? A squishy?" the girl murmured, picking up her phone.
"What's that?" Valentina giggled softly.
"Like... a toy? That you squish?" Lilith's eyes narrowed softly.
"I guess you are then. My squishy," the woman smiled. Her eyes truly looked pure.
Lilith's eyes quickly closed, her hand nearly slapping her own face as she covered her eyes with it.
"Do not call me that," she whined.
"Why not?" Valentina asked, slightly amused but confused.
"It sounds... bad. Embarrassing," the girl sighed, opening her eyes and looking down at the woman.
"But I like it." Valentina's brow rose.
"Whatever," the blonde murmured, her fingers pinching the bridge of her nose.
?
Whatever scary, creepy and unsettling vibe the entire day was designed to have should have stopped.
Lilith woke up abruptly in the middle of the night. She didn't have a bad dream—or at least she didn't remember having one. But she felt exactly like she did after one.
She was cold. Her bones felt sore.
For a moment she just lay there, debating whether she should sit up, stand up, or just stay there cold and suffering.
She didn't look at Valentina immediately.
The blonde practically stole everything that was covering both of them, and it still wasn't enough.
In her sleep she landed on the edge of the bed, curled up.
When she finally looked at Valentina, the woman's hand was still stretched out as if to wrap around the girl's waist perhaps.
The silence of the house, the fresh, somehow cold but not in temperature, atmosphere of it started to piss Lilith off.
Why was it so dead?
Any normal person would tell her it was because it was the middle of the night, but it still irritated her.
She harshly got up from the bed. Her cold bare feet pressed into the smooth wooden floor. She opened a closet in the room. No blanket, not even a towel, anything that would make her warmer. There was nothing there.
She sighed loudly. She didn't care about waking Valentina. As soon as she opened the door, which creaked, she cursed quietly. She tried to remember which room was filled with different things, including blankets—that her and Valentina took one from yesterday.
She moved through the hall. It was raining.
She could hear the water softly hitting the few windows.
After opening a door to another bathroom the house absolutely didn't need, she felt like she might scream, wake up everybody and tell them how fucked up and non functional the house seemed to her.
She wasn't even sure if it didn't border on being called a mansion.
As soon as she found the right room and opened the door, she flicked a lamp on. It made a quiet electrical sound for a few seconds before actually switching on.
"What is this... fucking haunted house," she muttered, bending down to the shelf with blankets. "Just pisses me off," she whispered to herself.
"How polite."
A raspy voice startled Lilith.
"One day I'll break your nose, I swear," the girl exhaled deeply, her head turning to the side to look at the woman.
"Maybe you should listen to me... and actually keep your promises then," the woman murmured, clearly not enjoying the tone Lilith used.
The scene wasn't any different from when Valentina scared her at night and made Lilith hit her head against a shelf near her. And the image again did things to her mind.
The lamp wasn't that bright inside, and Valentina stood in the frame of the door, where darkness was trying to escape the huge hall and invite itself into the room Lilith was in.
She sighed.
"What promises?"
"You said you won't leave the bed, didn't you?" the woman's brows furrowed.
Lilith's realisation was quick. "God, I was just cold. We can come back now, I'm sorry," she quickly said.
It was the middle of the night. She truly thought the grown woman would be much more into sleeping and not having conversations in weird rooms at this hour.
The blonde moved to escape the room, though Valentina quickly stepped in front of her and blocked her way.
Then she closed the door.
"What are you doing?" Lilith asked calmly.
"Didn't you say I should feel free to lock you up?" the tall woman asked.
"Maybe not right now?" the blonde huffed.
"What if I'd like to do it now?" Valentina continued.
"You'll have to manage without it." Lilith rolled her eyes. "Val. Move," she added, stepping closer to the woman, but when Valentina did not budge, Lilith's eyes widened.
"You really can't be serious," Lilith huffed once again, growing desperate.
"Do I scare you?" Valentina murmured.
For a second, Lilith considered that.
But only for a second.
She let out a short laugh that could almost be taken as mocking.
Valentina's brows furrowed.
"Why don't you want to stay with me?" she threw out.
"What do you mean by that? Was I supposed to wake you up?" Lilith responded.
Maybe she proved once again how bad of a person she could be. She seemed to take Valentina's wishes into consideration when she felt like it, but in the moments when she didn't, maybe the woman couldn't really count on Lilith.
"That's what I told you, isn't it? Are your ears functioning well?" the woman's back hit the door as she leaned against it.
"Am I supposed to say something mean back or just move you myself?" the short girl asked, confused, ironically.
"Try," Valentina nodded.
"Sure."
Lilith shrugged, and she quickly pushed Valentina to the side, opening the door—and in the process lightly hitting the back of the woman's head with it. She fixed the blanket in her hands, making her way towards the bedroom.
Valentina stood in silence.
She really embarrassed herself, but it wasn't her fault that the girl was quick and suddenly developed some strength to move the woman.
She shook her head and headed back to the bedroom as well, realising she should never underestimate the younger girl's strength again.
Lilith wasn't the strongest person in the world—on a daily basis, her muscles often felt weak, like they were not working properly—but when she was irritated, moving a woman a head taller and at least twenty kilograms heavier than her was not the most difficult task.
Clearly she had no patience for any games, but partially it wasn't a game to Valentina.
Back in the bed, when Lilith heard Valentina settling again, she moved closer to the quiet woman and burying her face into Valentina's chest she only murmured, "Handle me tomorrow."
?
How thankful Lilith was that whatever controlled her decided she'd wake up not hating Valentina's existence.
The girl murmured a few words, apologising for the strange atmosphere the previous evening, obviously not being able to answer half of Valentina's questions as to why.
Maybe that was just a part of being with her.
To not loathe in the hatred towards herself, she decided to ignore it.
Both of them stood in the kitchen.
From the start of the day up until this hour—very late morning—Lilith kept looking at Valentina suspiciously, and it was driving her insane.
"So..." she murmured casually, mixing sugar into Valentina's tea with a small spoon. "Don't you want to talk about something maybe?"
"No. I'm not sure what handling you means," the woman responded just as casually, taking her mug from Lilith's hand and moving to sit at a small table in the kitchen.
"Is it a riddle?" she murmured, taking a sip.
"Well... no. I just thought you'd like me to apologise," Lilith tilted her head to the side.
She stopped before saying anything more when Valentina's mother entered the kitchen with a few dirty plates. She seemed to mind her own business, but when the silence stretched too long, she looked up from the sink at both of them.
"Is everything alright?" she asked.
Lilith's eyes went straight to Valentina, who seemed like she wouldn't answer the question. Was it a way of torturing Lilith?
"Yes," Lilith nodded, smiling.
As soon as the woman left the kitchen, Lilith sighed.
"Oh, come on," she whined. She walked towards the table and leaned down, pressing her palm against Valentina's leg that was draped over the other. And when Valentina let her, she took a seat there.
"You were trying to be romantic and I rejected you," Lilith stated, her arm wrapping around behind Valentina's neck.
Humbling Valentina was not as exciting as Lilith had thought it would be. The woman looked genuinely embarrassed.
"Romantic?" Valentina winced softly.
"You know... closing the door," Lilith explained.
"Let's just..." the woman sighed, then adjusted her tone. "Try not to leave the bed too often and I'll refrain from haunting you at night."
"Right! You're so smart," Lilith leaned in, placing a kiss on Valentina's nose.
"Everything's settled now?" the woman asked, her hand slipping away from the girl's waist. When Lilith nodded, she gently threw her off her lap and stood up.
"Now we just have to argue again. Your behaviour is unacceptable," the blonde raised her voice.
?
It was endearing to see Valentina lazy and indulging in Lilith's hobby, which was doing nothing.
Not exactly nothing, since the woman quickly found something she would like to do, but the point still stood in Lilith's mind.
"Puzzles?" the girl murmured. "Good for your brain," she added, scrolling on her phone.
"And patience," Valentina added, shrugging the girl who lay on top of her softly. She really took the girl being her personal toy to heart. Her hand casually landed under Lilith's top on her breasts.
Lilith looked up from her phone at the box of puzzles. There was a landscape picture on the front.
She squinted her eyes.
"Four thousand pieces? That's insane. I'm an inexperienced girl," she mumbled.
"Don't worry, we'll walk through this together," the woman reassured playfully, her hand squeezing the girl's breast once more before slipping out from under Lilith's top and fixing it.
"Don't say such things... I might cum," Lilith chuckled to herself, typing and answering the last message before putting her phone down.
"I'm ready," she said, trying to sound excited.
She recieved a charming eye roll from Valentina, who sat up and took the puzzle box into her hands.
"By the way... did you use my phone yesterday?" Lilith asked, sitting up too.
"I might have... why?" Valentina's gaze landed on Lilith.
The girl looked quite relaxed.
Valentina was testing the waters—even if she had opened Lilith's phone with the intention of seeing everything in it, she wondered if it had evoked any negative emotion in her.
"You also might have clicked on something accidentally... because I got messages from my mother read," the girl raised an eyebrow, her tone shifting slightly at the word mother.
She was so naive in that moment.
How could she not be?
She was back to needing Valentina to breathe. Valentina was a perfect human again.
"I didn't read anything," Valentina shook her head slightly. Maybe the fact that it was the truth helped her sound normal.
"I hope so," Lilith giggled softly, frowning.
"You never really mention her," Valentina stated.
And suddenly Lilith's willingness to piece together four thousand pieces of a puzzle came alive.
Was it time to tell Valentina about that cruel human?