34. Zoe
THIRTY-FOUR
ZOE
I tried to keep my face neutral as I walked up to the house in the fading light of the day.
Both Shannon and Josh were waiting for me on the porch, Shannon rocking in a chair and Josh perched on the porch railing.
I ignored the flutter I felt when Josh got up and walked to the top of the stairs to meet me.
“Well?” Shannon screeched at me, throwing her hands out. “I’m dying here.”
I glanced at Josh but he didn’t say anything. He was smiling, but I could tell even at a distance that it wasn’t as bright as usual.
“It went really well,” I answered, purposely making them wait.
“ And ?” Shannon asked.
I joined them on the porch. “And…I got accepted.”
Shannon leaped out of the rocker and punched the air in a victory pose. “Yes, yes, yes, yes! I knew you would!”
“Thank you.” I bobbed my head and smiled despite the stone in the pit of my stomach .
“Hold that thought!” Shannon exclaimed as she dashed into the house. “I’ll be right back.”
Josh walked over to me without a word and folded me into a hug.
I refused to relax into it, giving him a few polite pats on the back, then quickly moving away from him.
I couldn’t miss the confused and hurt expression on his face, but I needed the space, no matter how it made him feel.
Otherwise, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to hold myself together.
“Congrats, Zo,” he managed. “Proud of you.”
“Thanks.”
I took a deep breath and straightened my shoulders, bracing myself for the conversation we had to have.
After the debacle of the past twenty-four hours, we needed to get things out in the open.
An honest conversation about expectations and what the future might hold for us now that I had an idea of what mine looked like.
Shannon barreled out of the house clutching a bottle of champagne and three glasses.
“I planned ahead and bought the good stuff,” she said, holding up the bottle of Veuve Clicquot. “Would you do the honors, Josh?”
He nodded and took the bottle, then walked to the edge of the porch. Nothing about his posture suggested he was in a celebratory mood, and I refused to feel bad about that.
“Let’s sit down.” Shannon seemed oblivious to the tension swirling around us. “Give us the details! How many people were on the panel?”
I purposely chose the rocker at the end next to Shannon so I wouldn’t have to sit next to Josh.
“It was two women and two men, and everyone was shockingly nice,” I answered, taking an overfull glass of champagne from Josh. “I was expecting it to feel like an interrogation, but it wasn’t even close to that.”
“What a relief,” Shannon said. “Did they ask you the questions you practiced?”
“They didn’t, believe it or not.”
“Not even how you like to unwind?”
I laughed at Shannon’s question. “Well, actually… that did come up.”
“Yes!” Shannon fist pumped the air. “I knew it.”
I smiled at her antics and sipped the champagne.
“The whole thing was more like a casual conversation than an interview. We mostly talked. About what we loved about our industry, what needs to change, and how I would use what I learned in the program to serve the greater good. The whole experience gave me a really positive feeling about the school and the program.”
“That’s amazing, Zo,” Shannon enthused. “The continuing ed for my breeding program was so freaking cutthroat, even the teachers felt like they were in competition with us. It was a horrible experience. I’m happy that you didn’t get that vibe.”
I shook my head. “Not at all. Quite the opposite. For the first time in ages, I felt like I was among my people.”
“Hey!” Shannon said in a fake injured voice. “I thought we were your people.”
I laughed and flicked a glance at Josh, but his back was still to me. “Of course. You will always be my people. But it’s different with those in the industry who think like me. I’m wired different from most folks.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Shannon scoffed. “You and Josh seem pretty in sync. ”
We were—some of the time. But then other times, it felt like we were a million miles apart.
Mostly, though, it just seemed like there wasn’t room for me in his life.
From what I could see, there wasn’t room for anything other than the ranch.
I knew how much it mattered to him, but I couldn’t bear the prospect of always coming in second, of never knowing when Josh’s promises to me would be discarded because the ranch took priority.
The silence stretched out long and awkwardly.
“Anyway,” Shannon finally said. “Back to the interview. What’s next? ”
I gazed out at the pristine expanse that stretched to the mountains in the distance. “It’s a go on their end, so all I’ll have to do is say yes.”
“ Amazing . I knew you could do it.” She slapped Josh’s leg. “Isn’t that right, Josh?”
He cleared his throat. “Yup. Zoe is a go-getter, that’s for sure.”
“You gonna miss all of this?” Shannon asked, gesturing to the vista in front of us.
My heart seized at the enormity of what leaving meant.
“Yes, of course,” I answered in a quiet voice.
Another silence settled over us, and I could feel Shannon’s gaze jumping between me and Josh.
“Okay, this celebration feels weird with me in the middle of it. I’m going to leave you two to smooch it out or whatever it is you do when I’m not around.”
Shannon hopped out of her chair, poured herself another glass of champagne, and disappeared into the house.
“Are you still mad at me?” Josh finally asked once she was gone. “Because it seems like you are. ”
I shook my head, still staring across the landscape.
“No, I was never mad. Disappointed? Yes, of course. I was looking forward to you being there for me. I was counting on you, to be honest. I wanted to be able to lean on you. But I realized that with the life you lead, that’s not always going to be possible. If ever.”
“What does that mean?” he demanded, leaning over to face me. “What are you saying?”
I let out a long sigh.
“Josh, when I said I wanted to give long distance a try with you, I meant it. I’ve been happier with you than I’ve been in ages.
” I took a deep breath to steady myself for what had to come next.
“But the reality is that your life is the ranch. It will always come first. That was made abundantly clear to me yesterday.”
“Oh, come on, Zo,” he scoffed. “It was an emergency situation. You know my hands were tied and the ride was a big deal.” He paused.
“It went great, by the way. Could bring in a lot of future business both from them and anyone they recommend us to. Surely you can see how important that is? It’s not like I blew you off so I could go drinking with my buddies or something. ”
“What buddies?” I asked. “When do you ever hang out with friends? As far as I know, you’ve been to a bar all of once in the past month, and that was to have an informal interview with Eli.”
“What about the dinners we went to: Charlie’s Pride and the Bite and Brew?”
“Those were fun and I had a great time, but you weren’t the one to suggest it and both times, you seemed reluctant to go even though you ended up having a good time.” I rubbed at the ache in my chest, wishing I could sooth the pain that’d been building for a while .
“Josh, you are all about the ranch all the time. And where does that leave room for me? I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past twenty-four hours and I realized I need things that I don’t think you can provide.”
“Like what?” he demanded.
“Like dependability. Making good on promises. Being there for me in times of need.” I paused. “The truth is, you’re already in a committed, long-term relationship, and her name is Lost Valley Ranch. There’s no room for me.”
“What?” Josh’s breath came in short bursts, like an angry bull about to charge.
“Do you have any idea how much pressure I’m under?
” he asked in a low voice. “This ranch has been in my family for generations, and everything is hanging in the balance right now. Costs are up and the competition is fierce. I’m running the ranch on razor-thin margins, you have to know that.
I can barely sleep at night when I think about how much responsibility is on my shoulders.
I have to live up to what my parents expected of me.
Not to mention, I’ve got people depending on me for their income.
Lost Valley Ranch is the reason they can pay their rent and feed their families.
Then there’s Shannon and Fiona. Can you understand why I’m constantly stressed out? ”
“Yes, Josh, of course. I saw firsthand how lean things were when I first got here, but it’s turning around now with the trail rides, and you did get that bank loan that you haven’t even touched.
Which means if you wanted to, you could eventually ease back and get more support.
Delegate, like Shannon is always saying. ”
He sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know that things are going to keep trending the way they are now.
It’s impossible to predict. Sure, it’s heading in the right direction, but until I have at least one solid season along with consistent bookings, it’s a wager I’m not willing to make.
And even if the trail rides take off as expected, I’m still going to be pulled in a million directions. That’s the nature of this life.”
I scoffed. “No, that’s the nature of you. From what I’ve seen and what Shannon has shared, your foreman, Dustin, is capable of taking more of the workload, but you want your fingers in everything.”
“Can you blame me?” he shot back. “My name is on the sign out front!”
“You’re right, it is, but that doesn’t mean you have to do everything yourself.”
He shook his head and mumbled something I couldn’t hear.
I knew I’d hit a sore spot with Josh, but I wasn’t going to take it back.
I wished I knew how to get him to see that what he was doing wasn’t healthy and wouldn’t be sustainable long-term.
He’d burn out—or worse, injure himself or someone else because he was running on fumes.
We each rocked in silence, watching the landscape shift into darkness.
“So, what you’re telling me is that Lost Valley Ranch will always come first, even once the finances are steady?” I finally asked with my heart in my throat.
“Zo…” Josh let out a long, pained sigh. “It has to. There’s too much at stake for me, my sisters, everyone who works here, all the horses.”
Not once did he mention me . Tears sprang to my eyes. I was thankful for the cover of darkness to hide them, but I couldn’t camouflage the sniffling. I took a few minutes to compose myself, so I wouldn’t be a mess when I said what had to come next.
“I don’t think this is going to work after all.”
Josh jumped up and began to pace. “Again, Zoe? We’re doing this again? You’re running off and leaving me in the dust? ”
I closed my eyes and counted to five, and then did it again. I wanted to shout at him, but that wouldn’t do any good. “I wanted to try, but the fact is that you’re not capable of a real commitment outside of this ranch.”
“Did you ever think that maybe you’re asking for too much?”
My jaw dropped and I felt my heart break. “Wanting you to be there for me and keep your promises to me is ‘too much’?” My voice cracked and I stopped abruptly. I needed to stay strong.
“Zo…” Josh finally moved into the chair beside me. “You have to know how much I care for you. And that I don’t want this to be over.”
I looked into his eyes and saw my pain mirrored back. “I care for you, too, Josh, so very much. But I don’t want to be second place. I won’t be second place.”
We stared at one another as we realized the promise of what we’d been building together was coming to an end that neither one wanted.
“Josh, I can’t take falling deeper for you with the inevitability of all the times when you’ll say you can’t be there for me. That the land beneath your boots matters more than my heart.”
He dropped his head, making a noise that sounded like he’d just taken a punch to the gut.
“Our priorities are not the same,” I continued. “It doesn’t matter how much we care for one another.”
He looked up at me, eyes blazing. “You sure about that?”
My heart constricted at his intensity. Josh was fighting for me, and I felt a wave of tenderness wash over me. I reached out to cup his cheek, against my better instincts, and he closed his eyes the second my cool touch landed on his skin .
I desperately wanted to kiss him. Maybe then he’d realize how much I meant to him. That a relationship was worth just as much as a few hundred acres. I moved closer and Josh’s eyes opened. He wrapped his strong hand around my wrist like he was afraid I’d float away.
A howl sounded off, close enough to where we were sitting on the porch that it sent a primal chill down my spine. Josh backed away from me abruptly and jumped out of his chair.
“Damn it. Wolves. Haven’t had them around here in a while.” He paced the length of the porch with his eyes scanning the shadows. “That’s not good. Not good at all.”
Despite the prickling tension of having a predator on the property, my shoulders slumped in defeat as I felt my lover slip away and the rancher step forward—like always.
“I need to set up the trail cameras to start tracking them,” Josh said, snapping into rancher mode.
“Johnny Becker said he’d spotted them at his place, too.
Can’t have them overrunning us. We lost a horse to them back in ’92.
Way before my time, but my dad always talked about it.
Warned me not to welcome those things back. ”
And there it was. The symbolism of wolves at the gate wasn’t lost on me.
“Okay, Josh. Go deal with it.”
He nodded, concern creasing his brow.
Too bad I couldn’t tell if it was due to the predators hiding in the dark, or what we’d just decided about our future.