Chapter 10
Jay
The morning light is sneaking through the half-closed blinds, casting shadow lines on the wall in front of it.
Nothing in those shadows, though, brings out the fear or worries that are a constant in my life. Instead, they give me a sense of safety, as does the blanket I’m wrapped in. It smells like Haden, citrus and lemon, and reminds me of a day illuminated by the sun, as well as the man himself.
This smell reminds me of how close we were last night, but more than that, how his scent had wrapped around me like a soft shawl when his lips pressed against mine in a mind-blowing kiss. That press of his lips on mine had sent me to heaven.
I touch my lips with my fingers, feeling the lingering pressure of Haden’s mouth there. I want more of that, as many times as I’m allowed to. I hope before I’m forced to go that I’ll get to learn what being in his arms means.
My cock stirs when another wave of his scent envelops me and at the thought of us naked, pressed against each other, and becoming one. How long has it been since I’ve been in a lover’s arms? Too bloody long… Will I have the opportunity to feel that pleasure with Haden?
Behind his hard shell, there’s so much hidden.
With that kiss, though, I had the opportunity to get glimpses of his beauty, and for a second to make it mine.
His tongue had sneaked into the gap between my lips to deepen the kiss, and had sent me to heaven.
He tasted divine. He tasted like freedom and hope.
It ended too quickly. Was it my whimper of pain, or was it remembering who I really am? I never thought I’d miss something that had barely begun. I could have kissed him for hours.
I move and my body protests, but not as much as it did yesterday. Is it normal to feel down because I’m getting better?
Yes. My brain is quick to answer. Getting better means leaving this house, leaving the only human being other than Jeremy who cares about what happens to me.
It’s so strange to think that two days ago I didn’t know him. That two days ago there was only despair. I’ll be carrying the ache of the loss of something that was never meant to be, but the memory will be a sweet one.
Haden might be the human version of a Monday morning—irritable, grumpy, and aloof—but I’m no fool. You don’t meet many people like him.
My two years experiencing the worst of society has given me the gift of being able to separate those who are made of gold and are good-hearted, like Haden, from those who were born to make others suffer.
While I was always aware, in the back of my mind, that being attacked was a possibility, I never really thought about what it would do to me, or what it’ll mean to me.
I always thought I was safe because I was never really alone.
Having Jeremy and Ed within reach would help avoid those situations, but instead, it didn’t help at all.
How can I go out there, offer my body again, knowing I’m never safe? Fuck!
I pass a hand over my face, and the soreness there is another reminder, as if I need more of those.
I take a deep breath to calm myself, and the constant ache in my ribs and the throb beneath any breath reminds me once again that it wasn’t a bad dream.
Reminds me that I didn’t wake up with Jeremy next to me.
If the pain is not a strong enough reminder of what’s changed in my life, the room around me does the job. As does the man sitting at the kitchen table.
Haden is worried. Even someone not accustomed to observing people like I am—I mentally snort because I’ve hugely failed—could read it in his attitude.
He wasn’t his normal self after the kiss.
Haden’s attitude changed even more after he received a text last night.
Or a series of texts, one after the other, making his phone illuminate like Christmas lights.
His fingers went whiter and whiter with every new incoming text, to the point I thought it’d break in his grip.
I had to bite my lips not to pry, because even if we’d opened up to one another the night before, it still wasn’t my place. I fought hard to remember that I’m an unwanted guest when I saw him so shattered by those messages. His distress made me long to protect him from others’ lack of sensibility.
Haden kept to himself, and the air was so thick it could be cut with a knife.
I’ve learnt a lot about Haden in these few days we’ve spent together. He’s not someone who shares easily, he’s not someone who judges quickly, and he’s not someone who trusts comfortably.
I can’t point fingers as I’m exactly the same. Trusting others doesn’t come easily, not when the people you love have betrayed you.
Despite his hostile behaviour, I’ve never feared him. Under that blanket of pain there’s a kind heart. I wouldn’t have been here otherwise.
His hunched form on the chair is a cry for help. His hair, once well combed, is now out of place, thanks to his hand that’s constantly running through it. He’s focused on his phone, his body as tense as glass about to shatter, and his face is as dark as moonless night.
Something must be wrong.
But I’d be lying if I said I’m filled with dread.
What I’m filled with is gratitude for what he’s doing for me, and worry…
because I’ll never be part of whatever he’s going through.
While I look at this wonderful man sitting just a few steps from me, it’s not fear that’s growing inside me.
There are other feelings and sensations, and none of them have anything to do with fearing him.
Nothing here is mine and I shouldn’t get used to this. I need to remember that this moment is a borrowed one, that it doesn’t belong to me and I’ll soon be leaving it behind.
Too soon I’ll be back under Dick’s control and mood. I’ll have to keep him happy, because an unhappy Dick makes a broken Jay. Dick’s probably not aware yet that I’m gone, but as soon as he is I’ll be in trouble. He’ll chase me down to the last penny, or until I’m too broken to be useful to him.
I’m worried for Jeremy. He’ll be in trouble for covering for me. I’ve texted him to let him know I’m okay, and he promised me he’ll be here to see me soon. If he doesn’t show up, I’ll leave earlier than I planned because I need to protect him.
“Are you okay?” Haden’s breath washes over the side of my face, making me shiver and bringing my attention to the room.
My eyes fall to my lap, investigating the soreness in my fingers, just to discover that while I was thinking I strangled the cushion I was hugging earlier, probably hoping it was Dick.
“Yeah, all good,” I say, letting go of the cushion and pushing it away from me.
“You can talk to me, you know.”
I nod, but don’t say anything. The things I want to say make me ashamed.
How can I ask him if it was the texts or the regret? I hate to think that the kiss could be the cause of his bad mood.
How can I share my worries for Jeremy when he has his own problems?
How can I ask him to save me, and give me a place to stay, when I’ll be placing him and the baby in danger if he says yes? And yet, there’s nothing I want more.
Haden stands after my silence goes on for a while. “I’ll be in my room if you need anything, or if you change your mind and want to talk.”
“Thank you.” I’m not ready to share my internal turmoil. Like we said a few days ago in the kitchen, the night is when you share, and right now the sun is shining.
I watch him walk away, and once he’s gone I pick up my phone. It’s nothing fancy, just something cheap that keeps me in touch with Jeremy. The most impressive thing it does is send texts.
I don’t have any other number in there, so I just press the green button and the phone comes to life. I press it again to engage the call. It rings and rings and rings, but Jeremy doesn’t answer.
My ears fill with the sound of the phone and my heart bumping louder and louder the more my fear transforms into panic. I pull the phone away from my ear and press the red button to end the call, just to press the green one to call again straight away, but no answer.
Is Jeremy in danger? I should have gone home.
I take a few breaths, trying to calm myself and assess the situation.
I heard from him yesterday and he was fine.
Dick usually comes when it’s money time, and there’s still a week to go.
I reassure myself, believing Jeremy is sleeping and his phone is probably on mute.
I grip my phone in my hand and send a thought out into the universe… please, Jerr, be safe.
Bangs and cursing coming from the other room, grabbing my attention and reminding me that I’m not as alone as I was before.
I smile hearing the frustration in the growls Haden is letting out.
I wander in there, curious to see what’s making the always calm and detached owner of the house so tense, and what I find makes my lips curve in quiet amusement.
Haden is reading a huge piece of paper… glaring would be a better description of what he’s doing, and I’m surprised the sheet hasn’t gone up in flames yet. What’s funny is that he keeps turning the instructions over and over, as if they’re written in an ancient language he can’t understand.
“Stupid fucking instructions,” he says, scrunching them into a ball.
I step inside the room before he reduces it to tiny bits. “Do you want help putting it together?” I offer.
He turns around and his scowl is a danger sign, while his glare is warning me of how not thrilled he is about my idea.
My mouth twitches with suppressed laughter, but I don’t show my amusement in any other way.
He doesn’t say anything, but instead he eyes the ball of instructions… maybe hoping they’ll talk to him now. “Fine,” he murmurs with a defeated sigh.
I wish the kiss had brought us closer, so I could touch him to calm the beast inside him. My guts are telling me his distress isn’t coming from the crib, but from deeper inside him. Maybe I am the problem, or it’s another issue he’s mulling over.