Chapter 11 #2
I turn around and walk away, knowing I’ll never step foot in this house ever again.
When I’m far from them, breathing becomes easier. Arianna is sleeping, unaware of the battle that just happened outside the house. I’m surprised they let go of her so easily. I thought they would have fought this just to make me suffer more.
I place Arianna in the rear-facing seat, and then take my place in the driving seat.
Without a glance back at the house, I drive away, hoping to be a better parent than they ever were.
I repeatedly peek in the rearview mirror to get glimpses of Arianna, and I fight the tears, a mix of joy and agony, for what I’ve gained and what my sister lost.
I drive like an old lady, going under the expected speed limit, but I don’t care because I have a precious cargo inside the car.
When we reach home, Arianna is still sleeping, and she continues to do so while I take her out of the seat.
It takes me ages to pick her up because I’m afraid of hurting her, and because I’m still figuring out what to do.
I move slowly once she’s in my arms because I don’t want to wake her up.
I can’t look away from her tiny face, so the climb to the door is a measured one.
When I reach the door it opens on its own, and then Jay sticks his head out.
Worry morphs into a beautiful smile that takes over his face, and removes the spikes skewered inside me since I reached my parents’ house.
“Here she is,” Jay says, stepping forward to look at the baby in my arms. “She’s beautiful,” he says when Arianna opens her eyes and smiles at him.
This baby knows who she should trust.
“Yeah, she is.” The pride in my voice is unmissable, and I can’t believe how protective of her I’ve become by just holding her in my arms.
Now that I’m at home, I don’t know what to do. Keeping her in my arms is the easy part. What comes first, though, putting her in bed or giving her food? Do babies have a schedule?
Anger at my parents takes over me again, and my body goes rigid with the need to shake them. But as soon as Arianna becomes fussy, I take a few breaths, in and out, to calm myself. The last thing I want is to upset her because of them.
“Is her stuff still in the car?”
“There’s no stuff.” I close my eyes when my voice comes out harsh and raspy, and Jay takes a step back. Arianna fusses again and I take another deep breath before I continue. “They didn’t give me anything.”
“Okay,” he says, and when he doesn’t say anything else I look at him. His face tells me he understands perfectly what that means.
I walk to the bedroom and place her on top of my bed, and then slowly unwrap her from what my mother put around her.
When the blankets are off, everything becomes red, and rage nearly burns away my reason.
I close my eyes and resume the mantra… but it takes a whole damn minute to be able to open my eyes and touch Arianna again, because I’m afraid of causing her pain in my need to regain control.
Arianna is wearing her nappy, a vest, and nothing on her feet.
“What the f… heck?” Jay says, appearing next to me. He surprises me, as I’m so taken by Arianna I didn’t notice he’d followed me in here.
“Yeah.” It’s the only thing I allow myself to say. Because if I open my mouth again, there’ll be a long list of swear words coming out of it, and they’re not suitable for the innocent ears of a child.
I wish I could pretend to know what I’m doing, but I’m going in blind. A couple of hours here and there in the last five months is not enough to acquire the skills needed to take care of a baby.
“Did they give you her schedule?”
“Nope.” Another clipped answer because I’m still so close to knocking down the place from the fury pulsating through me.
“F…” He bites his lips, and that shouldn’t make me want to reach out and caress them until they’re saved from being tortured.
I should be thinking about Arianna. What the fuck should I do?
Jay takes the two sides of the blanket and covers the baby again.
Why didn’t I think of that? Because you’re going in blind.
I glance at Jay, now caressing Arianna through the blanket, as if trying to sooth her or lull her back to sleep.
He seems to know more than I do, what needs to be done.
I hate asking for help, I never do. This time, though, it’s not for me it’s for Arianna, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her.
“What should I do?”
Jay’s eyes are on me. Their weight is unmissable.
It’s like they’re searching inside me to find something I’m not sure I have.
I don’t turn his way, because I don’t want to see the pity I’m sure is in his eyes.
I’m not only out of my comfort zone, I’m in the middle of the ocean with nothing to hold on to.
“Let’s change her,” he says, and doesn’t wait for me to get my head around it.
Instead, when I don’t move and just look at him like a deer in headlights, he walks to my chest of drawers and opens each of them, pulling out what the baby needs.
He places everything next to me and then runs to the bathroom and comes back with a towel.
“Pick her up,” he says, pointing to the baby. “You always need a towel under her just in case her nappy is dirty.”
I do as I’m ordered, while my mind goes in a totally different direction. I wonder if this bossy side of him will transport into bed… Oh, the visions my brain is coming up with.
I’d love to tame that part of him, until he’s coming apart in my hands and sobbing my name while I make him scream in pleasure.
“Haden?”
And here I am again, deer in the headlights. I turn my head so he can’t see my tomato-like face, from imagining him naked and under me while taking care of Arianna, and also to hide the lust still clouding my eyes.
Think with your big head, I berate myself
I’m glad neither Jay nor Arianna can see inside my head, because those thoughts are R-rated.
I focus my attention on the assigned task, and I pick her up after four or five attempts. I count it as a win.
The respect I have for the man next to me grows when he just looks at me without spurring me on or complaining because of my ineptitude.
He places the towel on the bed and I place Arianna on top, facing me, then I turn to Jay for directions.
He hands me the nappy, and I look at him, paralysed by surprise and the fear of doing something wrong.
“It’ll be okay,” he says, gently touching my arm, and that simple gesture gives me the push I need.
My hands are too big to handle these small items. The nappy takes Jay intervening to get changed properly, after I threw a few away.
How does he know what to do?
Arianna wiggles, and the leg I was able to get inside the onesie slips out again. I groan, and she giggles. I smile, and Jay chuckles at my misfortune.
Since when is being with someone so easy and peaceful?
When Arianna tries to wiggle away again, I focus my attention on my task. Dress her. Her clothes are too small and her body is too restless, so it’s a struggle to get her changed.
Her fingers wrap around my hand when I caress her tummy to calm her down, and it’s like they’re wrapping up around my heart. In that moment it becomes clear to me that I’ll do everything for her.
Jay directs and I follow. He does it with kindness and serenity, as if there’s all the time in the world to get it right.
He guides me while I change the baby, and when things don’t work, he takes over.
He’s never forceful, but instead he waits for me to ask for help.
Not that I really want to, but this baby is a menace. A very cute menace.
I watch in rapture as he talks to Arianna in a soft and tender voice, telling her what he’s going to do, and I envy the confidence he has when he gently touches her to make sure she’s always comfortable and happy.
When he’s done, I try to pick her up, and when I struggle, Jay teaches me how it should be done
“Thank you,” I say when Arianna is safe in my arms, her small fist once again in her mouth and her eyes on me, observing and weighing me as if she’s trying to evaluate whether I’m good enough to take care of her.
Maybe not, but damn if I’m not going to try hard.
I use my hand to caress her little nose, and this time with my focus all on her, I marvel at how her tiny head fits in the crock of my elbow, and how her eyes flutter while she observes me, probably deciding whether I’m friend or foe.
I hadn’t been around my sister much after Arianna was born.
Now it seems like a dumb thing, but I didn’t want to bother her.
I deprived her and myself of the possibility to spend time together.
I would have noticed something if I was around more…
I push those thoughts back into that dark hole inside me.
It’s not the time now. I just hope that Arianna remembers me just a little.
I leave the past in the bedroom and I walk to the living room. I take a seat on the sofa, deciding that nothing in this moment is more important than my… daughter.
Jay sits next to me, and his attention, like mine, is all on the baby. “You did well. She looks happy.”
I snort, and both Arianna and Jay giggle. “We did,” I say, because I was a willing participant. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“You would have figured it out.”
“Not today, so thank you.”
Jay laughs softly so as not to disturb Arianna, who has decided to fall asleep in my arms. It’s a light, surprised and unguarded laugh that I like more than the previous one. It gives me a glimpse of what he would be if life wasn’t a shitshow and he wasn’t troubled or in pain.
It’s a laugh I want to hear again, many, many times.
I place my hand on his as it rests next to my thigh, and it feels more intimate than the kiss we shared last night.
While I want to kiss him again, as many times as I’m allowed to, what I want more is to stay just like this a little longer, savouring the connection we have.
Because this is what perfect moments are made of.
While we watch her sleep, Jay’s head comes to rest on my shoulder, and for the first time in a while I believe I can do this, and I’m allowed to have it.
I believe I can have a family.