Chapter 12
Jay
Haden is sitting on the couch trying to assemble the baby pushchair, and once again he’s swearing out loud.
The manual next to him has been manhandled so many times that the pages are all crumpled. Haden’s face is tense as if his patience is running thin, while Arianna is next to him watching while her dad loses his battle against another one of her gadgets.
I walk towards him to help. “Here, let me.”
His scornful look has me biting my lips. He’s a sore loser. But a very handsome one.
I wait patiently for him to let go. I like that in him; he tries even if it’s difficult. I’m glad he trusts me enough to be around them, and to let me help. I dread the day when he’s going to demand I leave. I internally shake my head. There’s no point in worrying before there’s a reason to.
He looks at me as if he’s used up his daily quota of tolerance, and then with a sigh hands everything to me. “Where did you learn about all this, Mr Know-It-All?” If it wasn’t for his cranky tone, I’d believe he was teasing me, but I’m not sure he’s capable right now.
“So much about this?” I ask, pointing at the object of his grumpy mood.
“That, and about babies.”
“A lifetime ago I used to work in a nursery.” It’s something I want to keep to myself, because it’s a wound that’s never quite healed. But how can I refuse to share after he opened up to me. After he shared his house and life and trusted me enough to be near his baby girl?
“How did you get to be…” He pauses, and I’m sure he’s trying to be polite. “To be in your line of work?”
“I trusted someone I shouldn’t have.”
“Yeah, usually that means trouble.”
“Yeah, lots of trouble in my case.” I want to keep it at that, but words spill out of my mouth like sand from cupped hands, impossible to stop.
“I’m being forced to repay a debt that’s not mine.
I desperately wanted to keep my job, but there was no money in it…
” I take a breath to regain my balance—there’s no point getting upset over something I can’t change—and then continue.
“But there’s always someone ready to buy…
” Me. But that word gets stuck in my throat. “That’s my story.”
Haden’s gaze is heavy with grief, and when I glance at him, he’s as sad as a window left open to the rain.
While I share my wretched life, I take the pushchair apart and then put it back together. I’m glad when my ribs cooperate without too much discomfort.
He doesn’t say anything, and my heart soars in relief as I was expecting him to tell me to go.
I hand everything back to him once I’m done, keeping my gaze away the whole time. Shame, even for something I didn’t choose for myself, is difficult to shake.
“Thanks,” he says, but I don’t like how defeated he sounds.
“You’re doing great,” I say while pointing at Arianna, happily sucking on her fingers. “Let me help while I’m here. You’ll have plenty of time to do everything on your own,” I continue, pushing down the fear that he’ll agree with me and ask me to leave.
“I’m used to handling my own sh…” He looks at his daughter and then continues. “My own mess.”
“You are handling it. I’m just jumping in here and there. You’re great with her.”
“Look,” he says, and I expect him to tell me to mind my own business, but instead, I’m left without words. “You’re better with her than I am, so I’m going to offer you a job.”
My eyes go wide while my heart starts beating again. “A job?”
“Yeah. If you’re looking for one, or if you’re interested.”
I nod, but I’m not sure if I can really have this.
“You help me take care of this princess,” Haden says while pointing at Arianna. “You teach me what I need to take care of her, and you’ll take care of her when I’m at work. You’ll work for me.” His voice is firm, and his eyes are now on me.
“Are you serious?” I must be living in another dimension.
His lips part as if to speak but then they close again. A small crease forms between his eyebrows, and the hope I had begins to crumble like a sandy hill. I watch as doubt flickers across his face, and then his voice fills the silence. “Dead serious.”
I pause, uncertain. Is he pitying me? Is he offering because of what I said? Does he really want to help?
Does it matter? The question resounds inside my mind. And because I don’t agree fast enough it keeps pushing me. Do you really care? Take the fucking deal. My brain is now screaming at me, as if I’m an idiot… and maybe I am.
What about Jerr? You can’t save him if you don’t save yourself first. Again my mind provides an answer that shows a truth I don’t want to recognise.
Silence stretches between us while I debate, knowing the right answer but finding it difficult to say it.
“You—”
I interrupt him because I don’t want him to take it back.
“You’ve got a deal.” Guilt eats me up, and I move the attention away from me and back to him.
“I won’t go easy on you.” Against my will, happiness fills me up.
It won’t be easy cutting off my past, but Haden is giving me a chance to change my life for the better, and I’m taking it with both hands.
My thoughts go back to Jeremy. I need to talk to him. I need to tell him that nothing is going to change. It’s still going to be me and him against the world, but this time we’ll have someone in our corner. I will find a way to keep him safe.
Haden places his hand in front of me so I can shake it, and after a moment of hesitation, I do.
Tears spring to my eyes and I don’t push them back. I own them, I embrace them, because for the first time in years, they’re tears of joy, of elation. I deserve them. I deserve every tiny bit of happiness that life gives me.
Everything has an expiration date. So this moment… I’ll be carrying it with me forever, because at some point Haden will realise I’m bad news.
Haden, probably sensing my inability to control my emotions from spilling through the cracks his offer has created, changes the subject. “Let’s go for a stroll. What do you think, baby girl?”
I’m amazed by the warmth he’s brought into a world that had gone cold.
“Can we invite this cry baby?” he says, tickling Arianna’s tummy and making her squirm.
A quick knock sounds through the flat and shifts our attention to whoever is at the door. When it opens, Kai’s always upbeat voice fills the room. His presence takes away some of the emotional turmoil we’re in right now.
“How’s my favourite patient?” he asks, and I snort, making him laugh out loud.
“Don’t do as you please.” Haden’s irritated tone has Kai smirking.
“Hey.” Jeremy’s voice has me squealing in joy, and I don’t miss Haden’s lips curving into a small smile.
I jump up, loving to see my best friend’s face even if through watery eyes.
In a few strides I’m in front of him, and the next second I’m hugging the shit out of him.
I’ve been so worried about him. “Jerr,” I whisper against his shoulder, while I pull him even closer.
“How are you?” I ask while pulling away to check him over.
“I’m okay.” He takes my face in between his palms, and pulls me towards him until our foreheads touch. “I was so damn worried.”
“Didn’t your parents teach you not to swear in front of a baby?” Kai’s tells him in a sing-song voice, probably aiming to provoke him a little. Kai really has a knack for finding people’s weaknesses, insecurities, and pushing their buttons.
“Mind your fuc—” Yep, he completely missed the baby comment.
I stop him before he can finish the phrase by putting my palm against his mouth.
Jeremy glares at me, because he hates when I do that, but he’s trouble when he lets his mouth run loose.
Not in a good way. He smiles and I recognise the smile.
“Mommy didn’t teach you to mind your own business…
” His smile turns cunning, and I recognise those little devil wheels turning inside his head looking for something that will hit his opponent where it hurts.
“Old man.” I watch Kai like a condor, and when the other man’s eyes grow big, he laughs, and Haden joins him.
“I like you,” Haden says to Jeremy, and then grins at Kai.
Kai steps closer to Jeremy and he goes still, years of ingrained protective mechanism taking over. I’m not the only one who notices his behaviour.
Haden takes a step forward, but at the same moment Kai stops.
I watch Kai’s jaw tick and his eyes fill with rage when Jeremy’s attention goes to Haden, just to disappear when Jeremy’s eyes are back on him with a fire I’ve never seen there before.
His eyes narrow in fake outrage, and he shakes a finger at Jeremy, and his face becomes relaxed and pleasant again.
“Maybe you need someone to teach you some manners.” His eyebrows wiggle up and down and it’s clear to see that he’s joking.
Everyone can see he’s trying to make amends for the misstep.
His words only manage to fire Jeremy up. “You don’t have enough stamina to take me on.”
I like Kai for what he’s doing, and I love Jeremy for being strong despite the years of abuse and his fears.
“Can you stay?” I ask Jeremy. I want to talk to him without anyone around. I need to make sure he’s safe.
“Yeah, for a little bit.”
“We’ll be in my room.” I look at Haden when I say that, as it’s not really my room. I want to hug him when he nods and doesn’t correct me. I shouldn’t be this happy as it’s only going to bring heartache once I have to leave. But I don’t want to think about it now.
“I’ll come back later to check on you.”
“Okay. Bye,” I say to Kai. “And thank you.” I’m not thanking him just because he’s been taking care of me, but because of the way he treated Jeremy.
“Bye, old man.” Jeremy teases him again, and what a joy it is to witness a different side of him. “If you behave, I’ll give you a discount.” He winks at the doctor, and I’m in awe, because Jeremy is usually like a stray cat, all teeth and claws.
Kai must have made an impression.
“I’ve never paid for sex, and I’m not going to start now.” His tone is nasty and he looks disgusted.