Chapter 17
Haden
I’m usually in my element when I’m inking someone, but today my mind is more with the two people upstairs than the customers downstairs.
I would have loved to stay with Jay and explore the promise I made when I told him “I’ll see you soon,” but instead I fell asleep.
Also, I want to play with Arianna until she falls asleep, because every day has something new to discover with her.
I’m glad when I’m done, and I make quick work of cleaning everything ready for tomorrow. It’s only three p.m., so there’s plenty of time left for me to dedicate to Jay and Arianna. I’m totally whipped and absolutely under that little princess’s spell. And Jay… well, I’m enchanted by him.
Once I’m done cleaning, I close the shop and take the stairs two at the time, eager to spend time with them.
A loud knock on the front door resounds inside the house while I’m still halfway up, so I hear before seeing that troubles have arrived at my door.
“Hello?” Jay says, his voice welcoming but surprised.
“Who are you?” The hatred in my father’s voice sends shivers down my spine, because it reminds me of that never-forgotten day.
“I’m Jay, and you are?”
When I open the communicating door and rush through the living room, I fear what’s waiting on the other end. Dark thoughts about Jay and Arianna being in danger fill my mind.
My father’s body is occupying more than half the entrance, his bigger body dwarfing Jay’s. His gelid eyes match his glacial demeanor, making me feel like I’m invading his property and not the other way around.
What’s Jay thinking?
Fucker. How dare he come here unannounced.
I watch Jay take a step back and raise his hand as if trying to protect his body. It won’t do much if my father decides to lash out. If he does, I’ll break his arm. No one touches what’s mine… Fuck, these feelings are escalating too quickly but it’s not the time to ponder them.
In the time it takes me to place myself next to Jay, I look for my mother. Why is my father standing there?
It doesn’t even cross my mind that he could be protecting an innocent man like Jay.
Is he trying to protect my mother from the sins I’m committing, those sins that could dirty her soul if she enters my house? Or is he afraid she’ll assault me and this time I’ll have her arrested?
I’m in my house, and no one enters unless I say so.
He stands there, silent and imposing, but no longer someone I fear, because he’s no longer bigger than me.
I learnt a thing or two while I was on the streets, and one of those is hit where it hurts.
He’s looking down on Jay as if he’s nothing, or even worse, like he’s something disgusting that has landed on his shoe. Just like he once used to look at me, and still does, but I no longer care.
It infuriates me, but Arianna’s gurgles take the edge of my fury away, and instead of shouting, I place my frame in front of Jay. If they need to take their bigotry out on someone, that’ll be me.
When the wheels in my mind begin to move, now that fear is receding, a question pops into my head.
What the fuck is he doing here?
A sense of dread fills me, because there’s only one reason for people who’ve negated my existence for more than twenty years to be here at my door.
“Why are you here?”
“We want to see Arianna.”
My body goes rigid, and every muscle screams in tension at the thought of leaving my daughter with them. Halia’s face appears in front of my eyes before a big fat no slips from my lips. At the same moment, Jay’s hand brushes against mine reminding me that I’m not alone.
I’m sure he’ll protect Arianna with every fiber in his body.
We never talked about it, but it’s easy to see in the way he cares for her.
I say words that go against everything I am today, thanks to them. However, there is nothing I’d deny my sister, even now that she’s no longer here. She would want for her daughter to see her grandparents.
“Come on in,” I say, backing away from the door to make space, and using my arm to protect Jay from being stumbled on.
My father enters the room as if he’s entering hell. Slowly, and looking around as if expecting my sinful life to attack him, or to contaminate him.
His behaviour upsets me, but if he’s a decent human being while he’s here, then I can live with him being an arsehole to me. But the moment he touches those important to me, I’ll kick him out.
My father takes just a step inside the door, with caution and uncertainty, as if afraid his Lord is going to strike him down for associating with a sinner.
It makes my body vibrate like a thrumming live wire.
Jay’s look settles me, as does the shake of his head. He knows what my father is doing but he prefers to let it go, probably understanding that I’m close to snapping. He couldn’t be more right.
If they had looked for me after throwing me out, maybe in those moments, when I still believed they deserved my love, I would have forgiven them for what they did to me. Those memories would still have stayed with me and the wound never healed. For my sister, though, I would have let it go.
Now, there’s no point, because I no longer want them to accept me. I don’t want to offer forgiveness, and I don’t want to let it go. Yes, the young boy I once was may still desire their love, but the adult me knows that the scars are a lasting mark.
“How do you know where I live?”
“Halia’s will.”
“What are you doing here?”
“We want to see Arianna.”
“Why should I allow you to see her?”
“We’re her grandparents.”
There’s nothing I want less, but it’s not my call. When I took Arianna in, I promised myself and Halia I’d do my best to respect her desires for her daughter.
I glance at Arianna still in Jay’s arms, pondering what should be the best course of action.
“We have rights.”
That they do, but I’m still reluctant to hand Arianna to them.
“I’ll allow it, but…” I raise my hand to stop any comment. “Only if I’m present.”
If looks could kill, I’d be dead. My father’s stare is full of hatred, but I don’t sweat under its weight.
I have what really matters on this side of the room, and I’m willing to destroy everything hindering our path to keep us together.
“That won’t be necessary,” my father says, thinking he has a choice.
“I decide what’s best for my daughter,” I say, using my best not-open-for-discussion tone. I love how his eyes go big in surprise at me calling Arianna my daughter.
His hands close into fists, but under my unwavering stare, he nods.
I love to see how much it angers him not being in control.
I’m not fucking done, though. “The first meeting will happen here.” Do I want them in my house? Fuck no. Do I want my mother to suffer the whole time she’s here? Fuck yes.
I’m a bastard, but I was born from two. I’m what they—she—created, and she has to live with the consequences.
“Your mother will never agree to this.”
“Then it’s her loss.”
“I’ll talk to her.” He’s quick to retract his last words.
“You better. Any bad comments, any judgement, any bullshit you two have in store to deliver when you’re here, and you’re out. That’ll be the last time you’ll see Ari because I’ll never allow you to see her again.”
“You are–”
I cut him off. “You better watch your mouth. If you think I’m the same boy you threw out of your house for being gay, you are utterly mistaken.
” I pause. “While I’m still gay, I won’t allow your bigotry to affect me, my daughter, and the people who are part of my life.
” I stand up and walk towards the door. “You can leave now,” I say, opening the door.
My father looks at me with the same hatred I witnessed in my teens.
I don’t allow myself to care, not right now. I stare back, waiting for his next move.
He stands, looks at Arianna, but doesn’t make a move to touch her, and I’m glad. Then he turns around and a step takes him out of the door.
He turns his head around once he’s out, but I don’t wait for him to talk, I just close the door in his face.
I lean against the door when it clicks closed, and the sound resounds in the otherwise silent room.
Once I have my emotions under control, I turn around to find Arianna and Jay looking at me.
Arianna offers me a drooling smile, while Jay’s gaze is full of worry. He must know that the stranger was my father. Our looks are too similar, to my dismay, for him not to have guessed.
The cracks in my armour, those I usually hide so well behind a wall, raise their ugly heads, showing to the world that vulnerable part of me I want to keep hidden.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuck! I scream in my head, because showing weakness means I’m not a man. Fuck their teachings.
The strength I thought I was made of is nowhere to be seen, and that sixteen-year-old boy looking for reassurance is here.
The face-to-face confrontation has drained me, but I protected myself and those I care for. I should be happy. But why are thousands of alarm bells ringing inside me?
“Haden?” Jay’s worried voice pulls me back from the abyss I’m about to fall into. “What’s wrong?”
I’m not surprised by Jay’s question after the amount of tension we were just subjected to. I’m thankful for his support when he could have left and gone to his room to avoid it.
“I’m concerned.” I’m more than that. I’m scared, terrified, fearful… I need them close, because my insides are telling me something is coming. Whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll have to fight to keep everything I long for from slipping through my fingers.
“Why?”
This is another question I’m not surprised to hear.
“They’re bad news.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yeah.” And I’m not sure why, but I really want to open up to this kind and perceptive man who I had the chance to meet in the most unconventional way. “I—“
Arianna, who’d been fussy the whole time my father was here and who Jay has been cradling against his chest to calm her down, chooses that moment to voice her displeasure.
Maybe like us she’s trying to let go of all the tension she was subjected to.
I extend my arms to take her from Jay, feeling the need to cuddle her.