Chapter 19
Haden
I’m in shock. I never realised how much pain and guilt Jay was hiding inside, and how devastating what he went through was.
I was ready to apologise for my grumpy arsehole behaviour after my dad visited, and instead I found him in an unusual mood. At first I thought it was payback for my shitty behaviour, then that maybe something had happened to Jeremy, but in the end was neither. It was something life-changing.
How alone and scared he must have been, believing he was at fault and unable to accept that he wasn’t.
Seeing someone you love die in front of your eyes must be traumatic and heartbreaking. The ambulance, the chaos, when the only thing you want is for that person to still be alive. Facing everyone feeling as if he’d killed his brother must have destroyed Jay.
I want to keep him in my arms forever and protect him from everyone and everything… even from himself.
My beautiful angel. I land a kiss on his hair, putting all my love and strength into it.
There’s no doubt about the word love. I’ve never felt like this about anyone else, and there’s no doubt he fits perfectly inside my arms, in my heart, and in my life.
It’s even worse than what happened to my sister. I felt guilty for surviving her, so I’ve lived part of the guilt and the pain Jay went through.
His sobs and tears, and the overwhelming weight he must have carried, so similar to mine, and yet so different.
I had Arianna to take care of, so I didn’t have the time to fold myself inward hoping for the storm to pass.
Where are the people Jay should have relied on?
Should I ask or would prying create more pain?
The way he fell asleep in my arms has undone me, and made me realise how important Jay is to me. And how important it is for me to protect what he considers important.
I look at him still resting in my arms, his hand gripping my shirt as if he doesn’t want to let go, or as if he’s afraid I won’t be here when he wakes up. As if I could let him go now after all this.
His face has relaxed in sleep, but his eyelashes are still wet from his tears, and I want to kiss them until they’re dry and Jay is awake again and happy.
I glance at the clock and then at the monitor, just to make sure Arianna is still sleeping. She’s sleeping more now that she’s moved to solid food, but she still has a bottle at night.
I stand with Jay still in my arms. He’s gained weight but not enough to be too heavy for me. He rubs his face against my shirt, his eyes blink, and then those crystalline blues focus on me and his lips lift into a smile that I’m quick to reciprocate.
“Hi.”
“Hi, Angel.” I love how the smile gets bigger, and his eyes sparkle.
“I love when you call me Angel. It makes me believe that there is something good in me.”
“Eveything is good in you.”
“Maybe.”
I hate the doubt, but I understand why he feels like that. It’ll take time, but one day he’ll see what I see. A kind and wonderful young man who deserves love and everything that’s good in life.
“One day you’ll see what I see. In the meantime I’ll have to repeat it to you every day.”
“Every day?
“Every single one of them.”
The grip on my shirt gets tighter, and the way he buries his face into it tells me how emotional he still is, and my need to protect him grows in spades.
“I like that.”
“I like it too.”
“Let me down,” Jay asks, and I carefully put him down, but I don’t let go until he’s stable on his feet. His body rubs against mine on the way down, and every part that connects with him burns with its own fire.
He doesn’t pull away. Instead he leans into me, and my hands find his waist as if drawn there by the need to protect and possess. Jay rises onto his toes and his fingers curl into the fabric of my shirt again. I love how with small gestures he claims me.
One of his arms goes around my neck, while the other slides up, stops for a moment to play with the hair on my chest, and then keeps going until it reaches the other one around my neck.
Slowly he lifts his leg, and his upper body falls back a little, looking as if he’s offering himself to me.
I slide one arm around his waist to support him, while with the other I follow the motion of his leg.
My palm traces the curve of his arse, lingering there for a second and then moving along his leg, a gentle caress that sends a shiver through our bodies.
My touch is tender, because I want to savour the moment, savour the effect touching him has on me, and my touch has on him.
When my hand reaches the bend of his knee, Jay pushes against me, rubbing against my now very interested cock, until he’s resting on my chest with his head pushed back and those beautiful eyes focused on my lips.
I pull him closer, and slide my other hand down the curve of his arse, gently caressing his cheek, but without stopping until I reach the point where it meets his leg. I grab him there and haul him up until his lips meet mine.
“Put your legs around me.”
He follows my request without stopping kissing me. Instead, he places his forearms on my shoulders and pulls himself up a bit more, while his hands find their way to my hair. His fingers play with it, alternating between caressing and pulling it, following the rhythm of our kiss.
“Oh, Angel, you taste so damn good.”
“You too, babe.”
That nickname gets me all the time, and my dick notices as well because it goes as hard as steel.
“I need you, babe. I need your body on top of mine. I need you to make me fly.”
How can I resist such a beautiful request, especially when what he wants is what I crave to give. “Soon, Angel.”
With Jay still in my arms, I walk towards the bedroom, until a thought stops me. I turn around, and when I’m close to the table again I say to Jay, “Pick up the monitor. Arianna…” I don’t need to say more because he’s already leaning down towards the table.
“I’ve got it.”
He puts his arms around me once again and tucks his head against my neck, so close to my skin his breath washes over me in hot and dump puffs.
His lips open and his tongue sneaks out.
It glides against my skin, making me falter, and starting a blaze that is going to consume us.
“You taste so good,” he says, before lavishing my neck with more of his attention.
He uses his tongue, following the intricate shapes of the tattoos on my neck, and sometimes creating his own.
I have to stop when Jay pushes my head up, so he can reach the three small drops on my Adam’s apple.
I squeeze his cheeks in response to his exploration, and we moan at the same time. “Angel, let me carry you to bed.”
“I was having fun.” His mouth goes into an adorable pout, the expression both teasing and endearing, and impossible not to notice.
“We’ll have more fun in bed.”
“Carry me to bed then, babe,” he says, before taking another taste of my skin and then lying his head on my shoulder. “I love how strong you are, and how you protect me all the time.”
“Always, Angel.”
I lay him gently on the bed, my shirt falling off one shoulder like it always does, making him look young and so damn edible. That spot begs for my lips, so I bend forward, and just like Jay did with me, I slide my tongue over him, making him moan. I love the sounds and I want more.
I place one leg on the bed and cradle him, his hands rising, but instead of going around my neck they go to my shirt. One by one the buttons of my shirt become undone, and once he’s finished he slides his hands under the fabric and pushes it out of the way, exposing my skin to his eyes.
I press against his touch but he stops me. “Lie on the bed. I want to get to know every single tattoo you have on your body.”
Oh damn. How can I say no to such a sweet request? I lie on top of him and take his lips in a scorching kiss, and then I roll onto my back, pulling him on top of me. I let my arms fall to the bed, telling him without words that I’m his.
Jay takes my lips, his tongue caressing my upper one and then the bottom one until I’m ravenous for him. As soon as I open my mouth, Jay’s there, and the glide of our tongues together pulls a groan out of me. Fuck, he really tastes like heaven.
That hungry moment is broken by a feather-like kiss landing on my lips, and then he pulls back slightly and another kiss lands on the corner of my mouth.
He continues kissing me, following my jaw to that tender spot under my ear.
He lavishes it with little bites and kisses, making my cock push painfully against the zipper.
When his tongue resumes its mapping of my tattoos, I wrap my arms around him in a loose embrace, and use my fingers to mimic the shapes he’s following. When he bites, I let my nails gently scratch his skin.
It’s like we’re in sync, and every time I groan under the deliberate trail of his tongue, he moans because of the deliberate trail of my fingers. Our breaths come out at a faster rhythm, that’s interrupted by quiet gasps as the pleasure dips into a gentle ache when his teeth come into play.
He moves from my neck to my chest, plays with my nipples, and makes me hungry for him.
We rub against each other, faster and faster, and the exploration of our bodies moves lower and lower. When Jay’s tongue dips inside my navel, I nearly come inside my jeans, my upper body rising and my hands finding their way inside Jay’s trousers.
“Oh, Angel, I love what your tongue does to me.”
He uses his hands to push me back down to the bed, where he kneels in between my legs and continues to make me crazy for him.
His fingers opens the button of my jeans, and then his hands are at my sides.
A little tap on my hips and I raise my ass from the bed, allowing Jay to push them down to my ankles.
I’m not ready for his mouth on me, so when his lips wrap around me and his tongue plays with my sensitive glans, I bite my lips so as not to scream in pleasure. “Angel, slow down or I’ll come.” My voice rises when he licks my tip before pulling back.