Unexpectedly You

Chapter 18 #2

Jeremy murmurs something that I don’t catch, because the waitress approaches our table with the breakfast for champions.

It cost me a small fortune, and I’m planning on giving the money back to Haden when I get my first salary, but the sight of Jeremy’s face with bulging eyes and salivating mouth… it’s a sight I want to see more of.

“You’re f…” He clears his throat and glances at Arianna, and then continues. “Crazy.”

“I love you too, Jerr.”

His smile is full of love that his words don’t convey.

I don’t ask how he is, I don’t talk about work and even less about Dick, because it’s not important right now. We’ll have time after this feast to discuss moving forward. Even if Haden and I are only temporary, what I have with Jeremy is forever.

“This chocolate’s great,” I say to Jeremy, and he nods after taking a big gulp.

“Hot,” he says, fanning his mouth with his hand.

“It’s called hot chocolate. Stress on the hot.”

“Ha ha.”

“You’ve developed a sense of humour since you became a nanny.”

I love this. I love the banter between us, it feels good to laugh together.

“We need to do this more often.” And just like that the good mood is gone and Jeremy is looking gloomy again.

“Jerr, let’s stop this,” I say, reaching for his hand.

“How can I?”

“Us,” I say, pointing at him and then at myself.

“Is there still an us? Because from where I’m standing, I’m still there but you’re not.”

“Jerr, I promise you. I’m not leaving you.

” I stand and walk around the table, and I pull the chair next to him around until it’s close to him and facing my best friend.

I sit down, and then take his face between my palms. Fuck everyone.

“It’s still me and you against the world. I’m never going to leave you alone.”

Jerr closes his eyes, and some of the tension eases. His shoulders relax and he leans towards me. I do the same until our foreheads are connected. Our way of saying I love you.

I let go of his face, and fish the envelope from my back pocket, and then I push it into his hands and clap them inside mine. “Take it.” He opens his mouth, but I stop him. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“Jay…”

I shake my head. “I don’t need the money, you do. Please take it.”

“Thank you.”

“No thanks between us. I’ll find a way, Jerr. I’ll find a way to free us.” I take his face in my hands again, and make sure our eyes are locked. “We’ll be free soon, but please let Haden help.”

“Now go away and let me eat,” he says, once we regain our composure.

I go back to my chair, and once I’m seated I reach across the table and take his hand. “Please don’t shut me out.”

He nods and I go back to my food, my heart a little lighter and way more content. The time goes quickly, and when Arianna wakes up, I pick her up.

“She must be hungry,” I say, glancing at the clock. “I’m sorry,” I say, standing up and putting Arianna back in the pushchair.

Once we’re outside, I turn around to look at Jerr. “Shall we go back home?”

He shakes his head. “Maybe another time. I need to go.”

“Are you sure? It’s just going to be me, you, and this princess.”

“Yeah, I have things to do, people to see.” He fans his face, making me laugh, but there’s a tightness around his mouth that has me worried. “Jerr, are you sure everything’s okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine.”

“Okay,” I say even if doubt lingers. “Don’t be a stranger, okay?” Guilt keeps hitting me in waves and making the sumptuous meal—at least for us—sit heavily on my stomach.

“I won’t,” he says, pulling me into a gentle hug, and I return it.

His gentle hug breaks me. “I’m going to talk to Haden, as soon as I’m home. I don’t want you to go back there.” Wrapping my arms tightly around Jerr, I’m unable to let him go back to that dangerous place without me.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Jerr…” My voice dies, because what can I say to him? Even with all the talking and reassurances, I’m not the one walking back there and facing Dick. While there is a good possibility the money will please him, there’s also a good possibility that he’ll take it out on Jeremy.

I watch him walk away, feeling like I’m betraying him, feeling like the scum I’m sending him back to. I’m abandoning him. I don’t deserve Arianna, I don’t deserve Haden. And I don’t deserve Jeremy.

It’s time I stop living my new beautiful and secure life and instead do something to save the person who’s been with me through thick and thin.

Walking back home is a walk in guiltyland.

Feeding Arianna, changing her, and putting her to bed, are all things I do automatically while my head is spinning, trying to find a way to get Dick to fuck off and for Jeremy to be safe.

The only solution that makes any sense is to ask Haden to help.

But would I not be putting him in danger by pulling him into this situation?

Shouldn’t I instead accept what I’ve been lucky enough to enjoy with them and take it back with me to support me while repaying my debt?

To keep myself occupied and not go mad while Arianna sleeps, I clean. I empty the fridge, and by the time I’m done a couple of hours later, it’s spotless.

Haden comes in the door, and it’s tempting to talk to him immediately, but Arianna chooses that moment to make her presence known.

I let Haden care for her while I prepare her bottle, and hand it to him when he joins me in the kitchen.

Haden leans in and steals a quick kiss, and the guilt that’s eating at me already grows with the pleasure of his lips pressed against mine.

I never thought it would be so heartbreaking to be happy.

“Is everything okay?” he asks, probably surprised by finding every single cleaning product he owns on the counter.

“Yeah.” The answer doesn’t sound true even to my ears.

“Angel.” His warning tone at my obvious lie.

“Can we talk about it later?” I say, pointing to Arianna with a nod.

“Okay,” he says, leaning in and kissing my head, making me feel ten feet tall, and even guiltier.

I focus on getting dinner ready, some steak and potatoes for us, and soup with baby pasta for Arianna.

I’m not that hungry, so instead of playing with my food, I feed Arianna, and her happy face and giggle makes my heart a little lighter. Maybe she’ll be one of those people who make the world a better place to live in.

Again, once we’re done with dinner, I leave Arianna to Haden, and I focus on cleaning the kitchen and putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

When I’m done, and Haden hasn’t come out of the room yet, I sit on the sofa and take one of the books from the table.

I don’t have the mind to concentrate on it, and when I find myself reading the same passage for the fifth time, I close the book with a bam that feels too loud, but one that conveys all my frustration.

“It must be a very bad book.”

I raise my head and Haden is there, resting his shoulder on the frame and looking at me with worried eyes.

“I can’t concentrate.”

In a couple of strides he’s sitting next to me. “Talk to me.”

I look everywhere but him, unable to now that the time has come to express my thoughts.

“Is it Jeremy?”

“Yes.” But nothing else comes out.

“Is he in danger?”

“Always.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

Now that the moment is here, I can’t find the courage to ask for what I need.

“Angel, I’m here, and you can take all the time you need.”

I nod, and then I do what Jeremy is doing: I be brave.

“I gave Jeremy all the money I had with me today. But it won’t be enough when Dick realises I’m not there anymore.

I’m worried he’ll do something to Jeremy, and I’m not there to protect him.

” I bite my lips, trying to keep my fears from tumbling out.

I want to be strong and brave. “I don’t want to lose him.

I don’t want to lose him like I lost my brother, because I froze.

Because I wasn’t courageous enough.” My voice breaks under the weight of my guilt, the present one and the old one that still eats me alive.

Then the dam breaks and I’m sobbing, pouring everything out, and the weight becomes so much that I fold in two, trying to contain it inside but unable to.

I’m pulled up, moved around, until I’m sitting on Haden’s lap, and then his arms wrap around me, giving me the support I need to let go and mourn like I never did before.

I press my face against his shirt, and his arms close around me a little tighter, and inside this cocoon, I break, grieve, and make peace with the past.

“Yeah, Angel, let it all go. I’m here for you.”

Every caress of Haden’s hand against my back brings me back to him a little more, and brings back part of me that festered under my guilt. I’m not sure how much time passes, but with every new touch I come back to him a little more.

“Come back to me, Angel.”

Once the tears dry I can move, but my body feels a hundred years old.

“Take this,” Haden says, and a tissue appears in front of my eyes.

I take it and clean my eyes, face, and nose. Haden’s shirt is drenched when I pull away a little, because his arm doesn’t bulge.

“Are you feeling better?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Do you want to talk about it?

I open my mouth to reply, but my voice doesn’t come out, my throat feeling like I’ve screamed for hours, so I nod.

“We’re not in a hurry,” he says, while making himself comfortable. “I like having you sit on my lap very much.” His soft tone and smile make the mood lighter.

“This makes me feel special.”

“You are special,” he says and lands a kiss on the top of my head.

I place my head against his chest, and take a few deep breaths to find my balance again.

Haden doesn’t say anything, he just pulls me a bit closer to himself.

I’m not sure why, but his embrace and his quiet understanding are all I need to open up.

“My brother and I were always very close, with only three years between us. We bickered and played pranks on each other, but there was always love between us. So much love, and I doted on him. He was the baby of the family, but when it mattered the most I didn’t protect him.

” Tears are running down my face, but I don’t make any effort to dry them, my memories coming just like the lights of that car.

“It was the day of my birthday, the first time I could drink alcohol as an adult. I asked Will to come with me. He didn’t want to, but I insisted so much he agreed in the end.

” I can’t believe I’m telling this to anyone.

It’s been three years and this is the first time I’m opening up. When the memories try to resurface, I usually push them down and try not to think about it.

Another tissue appears in my hand and I use it to clean my face, and I raise my head to tell Haden without words how grateful I am.

He leans in and takes my lips in a long gentle kiss, that doesn’t have anything sexual in it, just a lot of comfort. It has everything I need right now.

“We had a good time, and we were still buzzing from the excitement—at least I was. Will, who couldn’t drink, didn’t find our drunken sense of humour very funny.

We couldn’t find a taxi because of the rain, and we decided to walk home as it was only a mile away, and in my drunken state it didn’t sound like very far.

Will wanted to wait, but I thought walking would do me some good, and help me to walk off some of the alcohol. ”

How could I have been so selfish?

I must have done something because Haden’s arm pulls me closer still, and I use the strength his touch and support gives me, to continue.

“I didn’t see it coming. Will was laughing at something stupid I was doing, and a second later he was gone from in front of my eyes.

” I burst into tears, the pain inside my chest rushing out like a flooding torrent that I can no longer contain.

I collapse under the weight of the sin I carry and that I’m unable to outrun.

“It’s all my fault.” I repeat those words like a litany.

Painful memories, regret and guilt that have grown claws and now in this moment of truth, in this moment of sharing are tearing me apart.

“I’m so sorry, Angel.” Haden must have understood what happened next, but now I need to tell him everything. I need him to know, and maybe deep down my desire is for him to see me like I see myself… see me for the unworthy trash I think I am.

Now that I’ve started, I can’t stop. The need to bring out everything buried inside me is too huge to be stopped.

“The sounds of the metal against flesh, and the thud when his body hit the road. I’ll never forget it.

The car didn’t even stop, and once the silence fell on us, I could hear the sound of the rain.

Then my voice calling Will, and me rushing to his side, the blood…

so much blood. Looking for my phone, calling the ambulance, all the while I was praying for Will to be okay, but I knew he was gone. ”

“Oh, Angel. I’m so sorry.”

I pull away so I can look Haden in the eyes, because he needs to understand that it was all my fault. “Don’t you see? It was my fault.”

“No, Angel. It wasn’t. You couldn’t have known. No one could have known that was going to happen.”

These are the same words everyone kept repeating. I couldn’t believe them, but with Haden those words make sense. Maybe because he’s a stranger… or maybe because he always tells the truth even when it’s painful.

“I can’t fail Jeremy. I can’t let it happen again. I can’t lose him too.”

“You’re not going to lose him. We’re going to find a way to keep him and you safe.”

“Thank you,” I say, leaning in to grab more of the strength he so freely gives.

Haden rocks me like I’m a baby, and I’m close to falling asleep, but the doubt is still there and starting to eat at me again.

“Is it my fault?”

“No, Angel. It’s not your fault. It was an accident.”

More tears fall, but I’m so tired.

“You should talk to someone. You shouldn’t face all this alone.”

Inside Haden’s arms I consider the possibility that it wasn’t my fault, and while there’s a small light at the end of the tunnel, I still believe that if I’d made other choices, Will would be still alive. Maybe talking to someone is not a bad idea, but Jeremy comes first.

“Sleep now.” The kiss he lays on my head stops all those thoughts, and I allow myself to fall asleep knowing Haden will take care of me… and Jeremy.