Chapter 18
Jay
The visit from Haden’s father has brought a heaviness to the house that we haven’t been able to shed. I’m not used to being this stressed, but nothing I’ve done has worked.
Arianna has been irritable and a little terror to take care of.
Haden, instead of sharing with us, has reverted to his old grumpy self.
He spends most of his days downstairs, and when he’s up here he spends his time, while Arianna plays in the playpen, looking out the window as if he can find the answer he’s looking for out there.
I can’t stand it, so today we’re going out. Arianna and I will be venturing outside, where there’s a park we can explore.
As soon as Haden left for work, I got Arianna ready for a walk, going through our usual routine of changing her nappy, washing her face and hands, and giving her a fruit puree to keep her fed until lunch.
I also got a bag ready, with everything we could need.
We’re only a few minutes away, but I’d like to be ready in case of emergencies.
This is the first time we’re going out, and I believe, like me, Arianna is tired of being cooped up inside the house. I’m aware I’m going to go mad if I don’t get some fresh air.
Yesterday Haden showed me around downstairs.
His shop is so cool, with lots of pictures on the wall and big chairs that lie flat if needed, as well as small machines and tools next to the chairs, and chairs for people to wait their turn.
Everything is black and fits so well with the grey brick wall.
I was amazed when he told me that the pictures on the walls were his designs.
He didn’t talk much and lost focus quickly as if following thoughts inside his head.
I understand, because if my family were to appear in front of me right now, I would probably do the same…
close myself off like a hedgehog to protect myself.
Since then I’ve really been considering having him ink me…
having his hands on me doesn’t have anything to do with it.
I’m not saying that won’t be a plus, though.
It sounds cheesy, but I can see myself having a little angel somewhere only Haden can see.
I still haven’t had the chance to lick all those beautiful tattoos he has on his body, but if I’m lucky enough, I may get another midnight encounter in the kitchen… maybe tonight is the right night.
Haden’s been restless, as if he’s waiting for something bad to happen.
I’ve kept to myself that I’m worried sick about Jeremy, and that Dick is probably scanning London to find me… make me pay what I owe and then sell me to the highest bidder. I still tremble in fear and disgust at remembering Ed’s words about buying me for himself.
Knowing the payment date had passed and gone, I sent a couple of messages to Jeremy, but all went into the void. So last night, tired of everything, I sent him an ultimatum. “Show your face tomorrow, or I’m going to hunt you down.” His reply had me breathing a lot better.
Aware of Jeremy’s unfriendly behaviour from last time, I’ve asked him to meet me at the corner of the street, taking away all the excuses he could come up with not to come and see me. I would have loved to have him for a coffee at our place… our place… as if that’s even a possibility.
I shake my head to stop daydreaming… even if we are getting closer by the day, there have been no promises between Haden and me. I don’t want to go high and then crash to the ground when reality kicks me in the arse.
I pick up my jacket and put it on, surprised at how soft it feels after a couple of rounds in the washing machine.
Then I grab Haden’s scarf from the coat rack and oh gosh, the smell is amazing…
It’s a reminder of Haden’s clean and mainly scent, the same one he had that night in the kitchen.
Those memories will be living rent free in my head forever, and I really hope to add more… soon.
Arianna coos in delight when she finds her dummy, and I focus my attention back on her, and after adjusting the dummy’s cord, I wrap her in a snowsuit.
It’s not snowing, but the temperatures are lower than usual, and she was sick a few days ago.
I pick her up, walk out of the apartment, and down the stairs where the pushchair is kept.
I place her in, tie the straps so she doesn’t go anywhere, and then hang one of those sensory toys she seems to love so much.
I open the door, and I’m hit by a gust of freezing wind. I adjust Arianna’s snowsuit, place a blanket on top of her, and when I’m happy we go. I look around as if expecting Dick to jump out of nowhere and snatch me away, but nothing happens and I relax, trying to enjoy our outdoor time.
Arianna has lost interest in the toy and is now observing the world around her. I love the sounds she makes, as if she’s trying to speak to me. I talk back to her, explaining what everything is, and pointing out to her the small animals and birds we meet during the walk to the park.
Jeremy is already there, the thin jacket he’s wearing doing nothing to protect him from the cold. Guilt fills me up, because I’ve abandoned him. I’ve been playing family, while the person I consider my family, I’ve left him behind.
When I’m close, I stop the pushchair next to the bench and then rush to Jeremy. I hug him close while I ask for forgiveness. “I’m so sorry,” I say, hugging him closer. I’m surprised when he goes rigid, but when I go to pull away, his arms rise to hug me back.
“Don’t be. I’m okay.”
“Are you really?”
His face changes from pleased to see me to closed off in a blink. “Yeah. But tell me about you.”
It’s not that I don’t trust Jeremy, but I’m aware of how much of an arsehole Dick can be. His dickness fits his name. “Have you got money?”
“I’ll get the money ready.”
“Come with me.”
“Where?”
“Coffee shop for now, so we can get out of this cold weather,” I say, pulling the pushchair closer. “And then home?”
“You mean your saviour’s house? We had a home, you and me, but you seem to have forgotten.”
“I haven’t. I just want something better for us.”
“Us,” he scoffs, as if whatever I’m saying it’s a pile of bullshit.
“Yes, us,” I say, pointing at him and then myself, to make it even clearer. “Haden offered us the money, and we could accept it. Then work, normal work, to repay him.”
“Is that any different from what we’re doing now?”
“We won’t be selling our bodies. We won’t be living in fear. We won’t be all alone. We’d be free.”
“Can you trust him?”
“Yes.” I surprise myself by how strong my belief is that Haden would never betray me. “With my life.”
Jeremy trembles in the cold weather, so I take the scarf from around my neck, wrap it around his, and then push him toward the coffee shop.
“Let’s get something warm. You’re like a giant ice cube,” I add when he bristles. “I need to get Arianna out of this cold.”
“Okay. Let’s keep the baby warm.” His tone is grumpy, but his lips tug into a smile as she squeals when the toy makes a noise.
The coffee shop isn’t too far or too busy when we get there. Arianna has fallen asleep during the walk, probably because of the movement of the pushchair.
Jeremy looks a bit stiff, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do or because there’s something wrong and he doesn’t want to share. He’s never done that before, and I wonder if because of my behaviour I’ve lost the only person I knew would have my back.
Am I trusting others too much and leaving Jeremy behind?
I shake my head, because Jeremy is still a priority, but so are Haden and Arianna. I just need to make everything work. At least until Haden gets tired of me. I need to remember that we haven’t promised anything to each other. I like him, and maybe it’s more than like, but it’s still temporary.
“Let’s choose a table,” I say, walking through the shop until I find one next to the window, and away from the counter, so we can have a chat without being under everyone’s eyes.
“Chocolate? With all the goodies?” I raise my brows up and down, trying to bring back our old closeness, and I believe I’ve done it when his eyes lose that dark cloud, but it’s fleeting.
“You’ve got money now.”
I feel guilty for two reasons—I’m using the money Haden leaves on the counter every morning, and I’m showing off without taking into consideration how Jeremy feels.
“I’ve got the money Haden leaves every day on the counter for me if I need it. I haven’t touched it before today,” I say, patting the pocket of my jacket. “And here,” I say, patting the back pocket of my jeans. “I’ve got the money here, and I’m giving it to you.”
“Ah, fuck. It’s all fucked up.”
“Language man,” I say, while with my head I point to Arianna. “Mind the baby.”
“Ah, shit.”
We look at each other and we chuckle like mad, and it feels like we’ve made turned a corner and everything’s good again.
“Let’s spoil ourselves.” I don’t leave him time to reply, and instead I walk away, leaving him with Arianna.
While I order I look at him, and a smile lingers on my lips when he leans towards her and caresses her foot. She has the power to conquer everyone just by being present.
I order a full breakfast, because I want to spoil him and because I missed him, and because this is what we do when we have a good day. I want today to be a good day.
“I don’t want your money,” Jeremy says as soon as I sit down. This is why he was making that face.
“Tough shit,” I say to him, whispering the last word because I’m being a good parent.
The ache at knowing I’m not really her parent leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth.
It doesn’t matter, I say to myself. I’m here and I’m ready to stay for as long as they need me to.
I focus on the conversation. “You’ll take it, because I want you to have it, and because I want you safe. ”