Chapter 19 #3
You were trying to fulfill Halia’s wishes. My brain supplies the answer I need to stay seated and not to storm out.
I’m sure all the cracks I’m made of are showing like a neon sign in the dark, even if I’m trying my best to keep them hidden. I sit rigidly on the couch, Arianna now safely tucked in my arm, and all my muscles are screaming in tension, as if I’m a spring ready to bounce.
Jay looks uncomfortable and probably feels like an outsider, but he has more right to be here at my side than they have. And I need him here with me, so he can remind me that I’m a grown-up, and not a kid hoping for his parents to love him.
From my parents’ faces it seems they can barely tolerate his presence, and that’s just one more reason for him to stay.
I can read the resentment in their eyes, not sure if it’s directed at me or at Halia for giving Arianna to me. Either way I don’t care.
My mother speaks, breaking the long silence, her voice as sharp and cold as usual. “Do you really think you can raise her? You’re no longer part of the family and you never will be again.”
Straight for my jugular, straight to the killing. But was I expecting something different?
I clench my fist to stop myself from bursting again. I hide that hand next to my thigh to avoid them interpreting it as a weakness. Then with a calmness I didn’t realise I had, I speak. My voice is sharp and mean. “Enough.”
The room falls silent again. It’s not going to last long because my mother is ready to jump in again. She doesn’t understand that it’s not about her—her pride, her beliefs, and her need for control. It’s all about Arianna.
“I want what’s best for her,” I say, my voice low but hard. “Even if that means making difficult decisions.”
My mum scoffs. “You made enough bad decisions already.”
We all know what she’s referring to, and even if they shouldn’t, her words hit me right in the chest. She has the ability to punch me in the face every single bloody time.
Am I ever going to learn?
I take a breath to contain the rage and hurt her words easily achieve, so they don’t show on my face. “I’m her father.” I stress the word father so we’re all on the same page. “And I will decide what’s best for my daughter.”
My words seem to have the desired effect and they shut her up. But I’d be a fool if I believed my mother would be defeated by that. And she proves me right immediately.
“We want what’s best for her too.” What she doesn’t say is, and you are not it.
I don’t care what she thinks. “You’ll have to trust me, then.” I challenge her.
Her disgusted face makes my brain explode in rage. I stand, and give Arianna to Jay with trembling hands.
He takes her immediately, but I don’t miss the furtive glance he sends my parents, probably afraid of what they’ll say.
I don’t give them the time, though, and as soon as Arianna is with him, I turn around. “Time to go.”
“We haven’t had any time with the baby.”
“You should have worried about that before showing me your disgusted faces.”
“Sit down.”
I look down at my dad still sitting there as if whatever happens doesn’t matter to him.
“I want you to leave.”
“Let’s discuss this in a civil way.”
I scoff. “You two have no idea what civil means.”
My mum stands as well and takes a few steps towards us. “How can you allow that abomination to care of my niece?”
Abomination?
“I should be the one taking care of that baby. So she can follow the right ways. Not live in a house of sin and shame. Contaminated by evil.”
She’s out of her mind. Completely lost in her own little world.
I don’t want Arianna to be near them for even a second, and if I know my mum well enough, she’s close to losing it because things are not going how she wants.
I speak, my words meant for Jay even if I’m not looking at him. “Take Arianna to my room and don’t come out.” When he doesn’t move, I turn my head, but still keep an eye on my mother.
Jay’s eyes are full of questions, and at some point I’ll have to answer them, but right now I want them to be safe and away from the poison my parents are going to spread around.
“Trust me.” I’m sure he’s going to hesitate and ask why, but instead he nods, and cradling Arianna to his chest, he walks away and is soon out of sight. When I’m sure they’re safe, I turn around to face my parents.
“Boy.” My dad’s voice is intimidating, but he doesn’t seem to remember that I’m not a boy anymore.
Another thing he doesn’t know is that I won’t allow them to come here and disrespect me and the people I care about.
“What are you really doing here?”
“We came for Arianna.” That fake innocence is just pathetic.
“Have it your way. Now open your ears and listen. You should have called, and you should have been more respectful of the people in my house.”
My mum takes another step forward, but I don’t budge. I’m a head taller than her, and fifty pounds heavier. Her face, though, tells me she has plenty to say. “We were concerned about her safety.”
“Sure you were. Or were you more worried about me having a long list of men walking in and out of my house?”
She doesn’t even allow me to finish. “We all know what lifestyle your kind wallows in.”
“You know nothing about me.” But my words land on deaf ears, so I say something that will get to her. “There is no way you’ll see Arianna again if you persist in your behaviour.” I look directly at her, making sure she understands I’m dead serious.
A slap turns my face sideways, but before I can say anything my father is pulling her away.
I turn my head to look at them, a dead look in my eyes, while my cheek hurts like hell.
“Leave and don’t come back. I won’t allow Arianna to be exposed to your hatred and bigotry.”
“You’re a disgrace to this family, and I wish you were never born.”
It doesn’t really hurt anymore. With her last action, my mother has cancelled every history we ever had together, the good and bad, becoming a stranger I don’t want to deal with.
“I’ll give you ten seconds to leave my house, then I’m calling the police.” I don’t give them time to say anything before I start counting. “Ten, nine, eight…” By the time I reach five they’re out of my house, and I hope from my life, forever.
I close the door behind them—no slam, no noise, only the click of the door that indicates the end.
After I close the door the heavy silence they left hits me. It feels like hours have passed since they arrived. A glance at the clock tells me it’s only been forty-five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.
I walk back to the couch and sink into it, feeling like the weight of the entire world has been placed on my shoulders. I rub my face, trying to dissipate the tiredness that their presence has brought up in me.
“They don’t like me.”
“I’m surprised they don’t love your grumpy and curt personality.”
I snort, and then smile at him, loving the way he tries to make things better. “And they don’t trust me,” I mutter.
“Don’t they trust you to love her and do your best with her?”
I look at Jay, feeling like my gruff exterior has deteriorated in the last hour. “Sometimes I still don’t trust myself, and I doubt I’m the right choice to raise her.”
Jay places Arianna inside the bassinet and moves closer. He pushes my legs open and wiggles his way in, then takes my face in between his palms. “You are the best thing that could have happened to her. And to me.”
I close my eyes, overwhelmed by everything that’s happened in the last couple of months.
“What if I fail her? What if they’re right?”
“No, you won’t. And no, they aren’t. Look at what you’ve achieved in only a few weeks. You’re raising Arianna. If she’s happy, it’s because of you.”
“And you,” I say, placing my hands on his slim hips.
“Only because you saved me.”
“I’m glad I was there. And I’m sorry I’ve dragged you into this mess.”
“You haven’t. I want to be here. With you and with Arianna.”
I pull him close and he comes willingly. I raise my head, silently asking for a kiss.
He quickly complies, and I wish Arianna wasn’t here so he could make everything better with his kisses and I could thank him for supporting me by worshipping his body.
How do couples with kids make the sex work?
Arianna stirs inside the bassinet, as if she has some kind of sensor that tells her I’m thinking naughty things. I reach out to touch her cheek.
“I really want the best for her, even if it’s not me.”
“You’re better than your parents, that’s for sure. Don’t let them win.”
“I won’t. I’ll fight for my family.”