Chapter 20
Jay
The last couple of days have been a nightmare. Between worrying about Jeremy, opening up about my life, and Haden’s parents barging in on a Saturday morning to make Haden feel like he’s all kinds of wrong, brought me to the end of my rope.
The only good thing in all of this is that finally my wish came true last night and I licked Haden’s tattoos until we both came. I can’t wait to lick them again… and again. Just thinking about it makes my mouth salivate, remembering how good he tasted.
So after breakfast I’ve decided to go out. Haden has a couple of clients, and Arianna and I have a date with the park. It’s cold but the sky is clear, so it’s the perfect day for a walk.
I put Arianna in her onesie, attach the dummy to it, and then we’re ready to go. Once downstairs, I strap her into her seat, and without any hesitation, we’re off.
The air is cold, and it makes my nostrils tingle, just like my lips do when Haden kisses me. That brings to mind the way his fingers opened me up, and how completed I felt once he was inside me.
“Give it back.” The voices of kids around me bring my attention back to my surroundings, and away from the dream I lived last night.
I walk faster, leaning down sometimes to talk to Arianna, who’s looking around as if Christmas has come.
She’s attracted to kids, and her little eyes follow the noises all around her. When she’s older it’ll be a pleasure watching the world through her innocent eyes.
I point to birds and squirrels every time we meet one, and we stop at the small lake to watch the ducks and swans.
We do the big walk round a couple of times and then stop at the small cafe.
I find a seat outside, glad to have stolen another scarf from Haden to keep me warm, and I pull it up to my nose, loving the smell of citrus, orange, and Haden’s own masculine scent.
It’s like being in bed with him again, or on his lap with my face buried in his chest.
Ordering a small tea and cake, I appreciate that I can buy them without worrying about money.
My thoughts are pulled to Jeremy, and his safety.
I’m aware that it’s not egoistical to want more for ourselves, but still, me being here having a good life while he’s still stuck in the gutter with Dick doesn’t sit well with me.
“I knew that following that brat would save me the time to look for you.”
That voice—that I know so well and had hoped never to hear again—stops me cold. Even if I tell myself in the time it takes me to turn around that he can’t be there, I’m sure without even taking a glance at his face that my worst nightmare is right next to me.
I wish with all my being to be wrong, but when I do turn, my worst nightmare is here, hovering over me.
“Boy, what are you doing here?” His tone implies he’s happy to see me, but the look in his eyes tells a different story. It’s a promise that I’m going to pay for running away.
His calling me that makes my skin crawl and my stomach heave. So different from when Haden calls me boy. When he does, my skin tingles, my heart quivers, and my dick hardens.
“I’m having a coffee,” I say, turning my body towards him and ignoring Arianna. I want his attention on me and not on her.
“Don’t be a brat. You know what happens to them, don’t you?”
“It couldn’t be worse than having to deal with you.” I’m not sure where all this strength is coming from. Or I just have a death wish.
“I should have beaten more sense into you.”
“I need to go,” I say, standing up and pulling the pushchair with me. He moves in front of me to stop me, and then he leans down to look at Arianna. When I try to step in he pushes me away, unstraps Arianna, and pulls her up.
Dick looks at me while holding Arianna up by her armpit, and seeing him abusing a baby…
my baby… makes my blood boil. He shouldn’t be touching her with those filthy hands.
I hate his devilish smile exuding confidence that I’ll do what he wants.
But those times are long gone, because now I have something important to me, more important than running away from myself.
I act without stopping or thinking. I rush towards him with the intention of taking Arianna back. “Give me my baby back.” I scream so loud my ears ring and Arianna joins me with the loud crying.
The noises around me increase, and I keep screaming while I try to take Arianna away from him. If something happens to her, Haden will be devastated, and it’ll be all my fault. I can’t have that happening.
“Give her back.”
He doesn’t listen to me, and when I go to grab her, he pulls her against his chest and uses his hand to keep me away. Then he grabs Arianna by the back of her snowsuit, and looks at me as if he’s daring me to take another step.
I stop because his intentions are clear on his face, and I hate when he says his next words.
“Do you want me to drop her?”
I scream, and then an inconsolable sobbing comes from Arianna, and I snap.
“If something happens to her,” I bark. “I promise I’ll kill you.”
Something I can’t recognise passes over his face, and I let out a sigh of relief when he gives Arianna back to me.
I check her, trying to understand if she’s hurt, but as soon as she’s in my arms she stops crying, and I relax a tiny bit.
“Where is my money?”
“I don’t owe you any money.” My words are like the hiss before the attack.
More people surround us, making Dick uncomfortable. He might have been able to smack me and Jeremy around, but he can’t do anything now with so many people around.
He points a finger at me, and walking backwards, he says, “Bring the money, and bring yourself back. I have customers who miss that tight arse of yours.” Another threatening wiggle of his fingers, before giving me an ultimatum. “I want you back.”
“I’ll bring you the money and you let Jeremy and me go.”
Dick scoffs and I want to hit him until we’re free. Instead, I beg. I do it because I have people I want to protect, especially the one now in my arms.
“I can give you more.” And I’m glad when his eyes show his interest in my proposal.
He comes closer and there’s nowhere I can go to escape. “You’ll get me the money and I’ll keep your friend as insurance. That’ll convince you to keep your word.”
I don’t want to trade Jeremy with myself. Deep inside, my gut is telling me to get Jerr and disappear with him. Run away so Dick can’t get to us.
I don’t even look at Dick, my mind already planning a course of action, but I know I need to involve Haden, and I hope this isn’t going to change things between us.
Even if it does, I won’t leave Jeremy behind, because he was there for me after I pushed everyone else away and put myself in a dangerous situation.
I’ll do it even if it means losing Arianna and Haden.
I’ll do even if I lo… I love Haden, and Arianna, and my life without them will have less meaning.
I blink a couple of times, my eyes filling with tears at the thought of losing them, but if I let something happen to Jerr, then I wouldn’t deserve them anyway. I wouldn’t deserve to be with them. I want to be there for Jeremy, even if it might cost me the chance to be with Haden and Arianna.
Why didn’t I accept the money when Haden offered it?
This situation could have been prevented if I hadn’t put my pride and Jeremy’s above our safety.
I’d put my head in the sand, pretending Dick was never going to look for us even though I knew differently.
Only now, the truth is in front of my eyes.
There is no escape, there is no paying the debt in full and riding away until we reach the horizon.
What Dick wants is my body and my soul until they’re both broken beyond repair.
The thought of going back to that life makes my stomach revolt and makes me shiver in disgust. I don’t want anyone other than Haden to touch my body and make it sing. I’m going to lose him once he discovers I placed Arianna in danger, and then there won’t be a reason for me not to go back to Dick.
I don’t waste any time when Dick is gone.
I pull Arianna against my chest, and pull the pushchair behind me in my rush to get away from there, my hands and body trembling so much the pram rattles on the surface.
Arianna begins to cry, maybe because I’m hugging her too tight, or maybe because she knows something is wrong.
I kiss her head and rock her a little to try to console her.
As soon as we’re inside the house, I lock the door, until the key won’t turn any longer. I leave the chair, use both arms to gently swing Arianna, and rush upstairs, as if putting another door between Dick and me means I’m safe.
“I’m sorry, baby girl.” I kiss her puffy cheek, and then inhale her baby smell, a mix of talc and lavender body wash. Perfection.
I take my phone out, hit Jeremy’s name, and put it to my ear. It rings and rings and rings until the call goes dead. I try three more times with the same result.
Jay
Call me. I need to talk to you. I need to know you’re safe. Dick was here, he followed you the last time we met. Jerr, I need to know you’re safe. Call me as soon as you read this.
I get Arianna changed very quickly, and while I do, my mind plans and destroys every single idea I come up with.
Because whatever I come up with means I have to lose someone, but I’m a very selfish person, and I want to have my family—Arianna and Haden—and my friend Jeremy close.
Apparently I haven’t learnt yet that you can have everything you want in life.
Arianna cries the entire time I’m changing her, just to stop as soon as I pull her into my arms. She falls asleep as soon as I begin to pace again.
I pick up my phone again, checking for new messages, but there’s nothing there. I hit Jerr’s number again with the same worrying result. I’m going to kill that piece of garbage if he touches even a hair on Jerr’s head. I send another text because it’s better than not doing anything.
Jay