Chapter 20 #2
I’m good, so don’t worry. I’m coming for you, so avoid Dick until I get to you. Pick up your damn phone and call me back. Please…
I need him to know that it’s still the two of us against the world. The fact that I have other people I care for doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten all about us and what we went through together.
Jay
I’ve got the money, so don’t go all crazy because he was here.
I pace the room as if I’m followed by a herd of wild boars, and as if running could solve my problems. I need to think, I need Haden, and I need Jeremy.
I can’t waste any more time hoping for something to change. If leaving is the best choice possible, that’s what I’ll do. My heart cries at the thought of missing Arianna’s first word, first walk, and everything in between.
And what about Haden? I’ll miss how my heart sings when he’s near, how my body reacts to his touch, and I’ll miss the man himself with his gruff exterior and a heart made of gold. I’ll miss having a family, but they’ll be safe and that’s enough.
My eyes are focused on Arianna, to commit her face, small body, and perfect little limbs to memory.
I’m living here on borrowed time, and now real life is catching up.
Unfortunately it’s catching up with me faster than I can run.
What happened today is going to happen again, and in that moment it’ll be Haden asking me to go, and I can’t face that.
Life is unbelievably unfair! It gave me a taste of paradise on earth, allowed me to touch and savour it, made me believe it could be mine forever, and now it’s taking it away. I should have known it wasn’t meant to last.
I glance at the clock, trying to remember what time Haden said he was going to finish work, but my brain isn’t working at all. I should rush down there and beg him to help us.
“I’m sorry, baby girl. I thought I could do better.” Why does it feel like a goodbye?
“What are you sorry for?” Haden’s voice and presence make my body weak. With the need to be protected for a life I’ll never choose and for the wrong choices I made, I rush to him and stop only when my body is plastered to his. As much as I can with Arianna in my arms.
As soon as Haden’s arms are around me, his touch soothes my misfiring nerves, and my head begins to function a little better, giving me the chance to articulate my jumbled thoughts.
“Jay, what’s wrong?” He tries to push me back, probably to look at my face and try to understand what has me clinging to him and crying like I don’t see a tomorrow.
“Hug me, please. Just for a moment. I’ll explain later.
We’re safe.” I keep for now to myself because I don’t want to scare him, and because I need this moment where I can pretend everything is still good, and I’m safe, and I have a future with them.
I’m acting like I’m crazy and his concern is coming through in waves that get bigger and bigger the more I avoid explaining.
He pulls me a little closer, following my request. “If you two are okay, everything is fine.”
I shake my head against his chest. “I was supposed to make your life better, and instead I’ve brought new problems to your door.”
“Babe, you didn’t. My parents did. You’ve been amazing.”
“They hate me and they should.”
“Please, Angel, stop that. I don’t like you talking badly about yourself.”
I’ve never been anyone’s angel, even that fucker who ruined my life never gave me a sweet nickname…
I was stupid enough to believe that a couple of well-chosen words meant I love you, but he never actually said it…
and now everything I did is coming back and ruining the only good thing I’ve had in a long time.
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I shouldn’t be here. If I leave and go back to my old apartment, everything is going to be back to normal and you’ll be safe.” I’m mumbling against his chest.
“Jay, I’m beyond worried, love. Talk to me,” he says, while pulling away and using his hand to raise my face to look at him.
I want to refuse, I want to hide, I want more time, but his tone commands attention and my brain follows his request.
“Hey,” he says, and the normality of our usual greeting helps me a little. “You’re not going anywhere,” he adds. His embrace gets a bit tighter, and I relax more.
“I’m sorry,” I say, burying my face against his chest again, and tears fill my eyes when his arms go around me and he pulls closer, and then he lands a kiss, one that makes me fucking emotional, on the top of my head.
I want to stay like this forever. Never before have I felt so protected and cared for.
How can I leave when everything I want is in this house, with this man?
Arianna’s snoring sounds have me chuckling through my tears.
The sound is wet, but with a hint of joy. Only babies can make the heart soar even when total desperation is enveloping a person in darkness.
I love this fluffy cotton ball of a small human being. She is what’s keeping us grounded and what keeps us moving forward. She’s not mine, but in some ways she is, and I won’t ever be the same if she’s taken away from me.
“Let’s put her to bed.” Haden pulls back and guides me to the bedroom.
While I place Arianna in her bed, making sure she doesn’t wake up, Haden makes quick work of turning the camera on and placing it in a way that shows her crib.
I stand there looking at Arianna, my brain trying to find ways to make Dick disappear, so that I can stay here for as long as they want me.
I sense Haden’s presence even before he says, “Angel, let’s go.”
Another gush of tears run down my cheeks at hearing the adorable endearment he uses for me again, but especially the tone of voice is what wraps around my heart and makes it Haden’s.
Once we’re on the sofa, our new place to talk, I open up, knowing that the moment has arrived.
“We were at the park when Dick showed up.”
“Are you hurt?”
I shake my head, “He followed Jeremy last time we met. He wants me back and he wants his money back. He’ll keep Jeremy until I go there with the money.”
“You are not going back.”
“I have to, because nothing can happen to you, Arianna, or Jeremy. I barely survived being responsible for my brother’s death.
I’m not going to survive if something happens to any of you.
I left my family behind, leaving them to grieve over losing two sons, because I couldn’t face them any longer.
I can’t face the idea of something happening to Arianna and survive it. ”
“He can have the money. I don’t care about the money. But he can’t have you. You’re mine.” His arms seize me against him, but I don’t complain because I need his strength.
I need him to understand how dangerous Dick is, so I continue telling him what happened. “He took Arianna from the pram when I tried to leave. Do you—”
“He did what? I’m going to fucking kill that bastard with my own hands,” Haden says, jumping up from the sofa and pacing like a lion in a cage.
“We’ll get this solved straight away. Get in touch with Jeremy and tell him he can stay here. I need to go to the bank and get the money.”
He sits back down and pulls me onto his lap, and he wraps his arms around me.
I look up, and he leans in to place a kiss on my lips. It tastes different from usual, as if the fear we’re both feeling right now has mixed with all the other emotions.
We kiss for a little while, and I’m unable to stop fearing this will be the last time.
A knock at the door freezes us in place.
Haden moves me to the sofa and gets up to answer the door. I wait there, until he’s away for too long, then I go looking for him. His face is dark, furious, but above all, worried.
I can’t deal with any more bad news.