17. Emilio
Groaning quietly, my eyes flutter open and I squint against the pain in my head.
Fucking drugs. My mind flips through what happened, and I flinch at the thought of Rose’s death.
It may as well have been by my own fucking hands…
And poor Doc. I can’t imagine what he went through over losing his friend because of my selfishness.
I sigh, only to be distracted by the noise nearby. Holy fucking shit. Seeing Papa Bear and Daddy locked in an embrace is fucking hot! If it weren’t for the drug still slithering through my system, I’d have an instant hard-on. Fuck.
I must make some sort of sound because suddenly I have two Daddies zeroed in on me. Gulping, I drop my gaze, unsure what to do. I hate that I had to be drugged—again. It makes me feel weak, like I can’t control myself.
Thankfully, I’m saved by a knock at the door.
Croaking out an “Enter,” I nearly melt in relief when Anderson comes into the room.
His kind smile immediately puts me at ease, as does his outfit of the day.
While muted compared to Javi, I love the shimmery blue material of his shirt.
It pairs well with his fitted navy dress pants.
I can understand why his two men don’t look away when he enters a room.
“Am I interrupting?” he asks, raising an eyebrow at my Daddy and Papa Bear.
Scowling slightly, Daddy says, “We haven’t had an opportunity to even talk.”
“Oh, good. Then I’m not interfering with a conversation.” Anderson’s sunny response only causes the scowl to deepen on Daddy’s face, and I have to suppress a giggle. From Anderson’s quick wink, he catches my response.
“Javi mentioned now would be a good time for me to step in. Are you up to chatting with me, Lio?”
Biting my lip, I glance between the two men who hold my heart and Anderson, unsure what the right thing to do is. But when Anderson clears his throat, I blush. Taking a deep breath, I remind myself that I need to start putting my recovery first—and hope that Daddy and Papa Bear will understand.
“Uh, yes. Now works.” I shift uncomfortably, pulling myself up further in the bed. Unable to resist, I add, “If that’s alright with Daddy and Papa Bear.”
When Daddy looks like he’s going to disagree, Papa Bear stands and squeezes Tennant’s wrist. “That’s fine, Tesoro. We’ll check in later, of course. We love you.”
With that, he comes over and brushes a kiss against my forehead before stepping aside for Daddy. Grumbling quietly, Daddy sighs but gives me a gentle caress and a kiss before saying, “You can message us as soon as you’re ready, Little One.”
I let out an audible breath when they leave, before turning my attention back to Anderson. “So, I guess we should talk about what happened, huh?”
“I’m here for you, for whatever you need.”
Frowning, I drop my gaze and start to pick at the sheets. I still hate these hospital sheets and want out. Frustrated, I lift my gaze to meet Anderson’s compassionate look, and almost flinch from it.
“I need them to stop drugging me. I understand I was panicking, but I feel like I’m never going to learn how to control it, or how to get through them, if they just immediately drug me.”
Anderson takes the seat Tennant was in, dragging it closer to me. He nods before slowly saying, “You understand they did that because they were worried, right?”
“Yes, and I get that,” I huff. “But it still should be my choice. If I was completely out of control, then that’s one thing. But I need to feel the panic and work through it.”
“And that’s not a way to punish yourself?” His voice is even, a calm oasis despite what we’re talking about.
I don’t answer right away. A quick answer won’t suffice, and I know it.
Only after turning the statement over in my head repeatedly do I shake my head.
“No. You and Javi are giving me the tools to get better. And part of that is emotional regulation. I can’t afford to have them immediately jump to drugging me without giving me a chance to push through.
“Yes, I know it’ll be difficult, especially initially.
I have a lot of poor coping mechanisms that I’m trying to change.
But I deserve the opportunity to do that.
And it’s not about being weak. Although yes, I do admit that part of it is because I’m one of the Bosses.
If this happened at an inopportune moment—like a rescue—I need to learn how to manage it.
That’s not because of weakness, it's survival.”
“You have a very valid point. I’m proud of you for wanting to meet this head on. But we need to have a safety mechanism if, for some reason, you do need the medication—because there is nothing wrong with that.”
Pressing my lips together, I think about it. I hate the idea, but if he’s willing to work with me…
“Alright, that’s fair. What do you suggest?”
“How about the stoplight system? Are you familiar with that?”
I stare blankly at him before blushing. “Ah, like, uh, kink stoplight system? Because one of the Boys let me read some of the books he likes…”
Chuckling, Anderson sits forward. “I definitely am more than happy to talk about those books, but yes, that’s what I’m talking about.
You say ‘Green’ if you’re handling it, ‘Yellow’ if it’s getting to your limit, and ‘Red’ is for when you want one of the doctors to step in.
But you have to promise me you’ll actually use it. ”
“I know I’m a people pleaser… But yes. I promise.”
“Speaking of being a people pleaser… Should we talk about Rose?” Anderson asks gently.
My shoulders slump and I desperately fight the desire to hide, to run, but instead, I breathe through the anxiety. Thankfully, Anderson doesn’t rush me. It takes several moments before I have myself under control, but when I do, I roll my neck and straighten up.
“Good job,” Anderson murmurs. “You’re right. You’re getting better at controlling it.”
“Thank you.” I let the praise flow through me before we tackle the painful subject. Eventually, I give in, though. That’s what he’s here for, after all.
“I don’t know what to think about Rose,” I say honestly. “It feels like I killed her myself with my selfish actions. And worse, I put Doc in a position where he had to handle it, to lose his friend. I’m not sure how he doesn’t hate me. Unless…maybe he does?”
“That’s quite a list to go through. Let’s break it down.” I nod, waiting for Anderson to help me make sense of things. “What would you say if I told you this wasn’t Rose’s first infraction?”
“I mean…that still doesn’t mean she should have died because of what I did.”
“You have a great capacity for forgiveness. But you need to remember, not everyone deserves the benefit of your friendship. Put yourself in Rose’s position.
Not only is it your job to care for patients, but you’ve been entrusted with someone who is dear to multiple people in the family. Would you walk away?”
“No. Never,” I retort confidently. “Even Benjamin, when we were arguing, wouldn’t have done that.”
“So you have a situation where this was not her first issue, and it was a severe infraction, despite the warning she was given previously.”
I scrub at my face, frustration rolling off me. I know he has a point, but fuck. I still hate it. Blowing out a breath, I finally break.
“It reminds me of my brother,” I say stiffly, barely holding onto my composure.
“I made excuses for him, wanting to believe he cared about me, even when he gave me to Master as a Toy. It didn’t occur to me that he was in the wrong until I found out he killed our mom.
He fully intended for Master to kill me.
Fuck, he probably knew Peter was obsessed with me. ”
“I don’t know your entire history, but that all sounds really painful.
It also sounds like, for you, the limit on your forgiveness is when they hurt someone you love.
And that’s problematic, because not everyone is good.
If it was someone you loved in the hospital bed and she left them alone, knowing they were high risk… how would you have reacted?”
“I would have killed her myself,” I snarl, my hands clenching into fists.
Anderson sits back, crossing his legs as he rests his hands on his lap. “Then tell me… Why do you think you deserve less?”
For a moment, there’s only blankness. My mind simply…
stops. There’s barely any air in my lungs.
Nothing. Then suddenly, it’s like an inferno catches me.
I’m not even sure what sparks it, where the ember began, but suddenly everything is ablaze and I want to run to put it out.
The thoughts are chaotic, tumbling into each other, a swirl of confusion. Fuck.
I shake my head, struggling to focus. I slow my breathing, noting when I begin to pant, and work on relaxing each tightened muscle. It’s only when I’m studying my hands, trying to loosen them, that I find words again.
“I’m not sure,” I whisper, and suddenly I’m caught by a wave of exhaustion. Because I don’t know.
It’s an overwhelming feeling, a pit in my stomach and a headache pounding from not understanding something so key to myself. Anderson hums quietly, waiting in case I’m not finished, but there’s nothing left to give.
I. Don’t. Know.
“Then that gives us a plan to start.” Anderson nods. “Now, to continue the list—”
Weakly, I interrupt, “Do we have to?”
He raises an eyebrow, and for a moment, I wonder if he’s a switch like Antonio, because damn. Straightening, I zero in on him, ready for whatever he throws at me. Maybe.
“Doc could have chosen to have someone else handle Rose. You cannot control the actions of others. Rose is the one who put him in that position, not you. And as for if he’s angry with you or not, think back to your encounters. Did he ever seem that way, or are you projecting?”
Sighing, I run my fingers through my hair, noting that it’s time to get a haircut. “I… He’s always been kind to me. Well, within his own slightly gruff style. You’re right. I’m projecting.”
“You can always talk to him directly.” I flinch at the idea, shaking my head. “We’ll work up to that. But I do want to address one last thing.”
“What’s that?” I ask cautiously.
“You are not selfish. What you did happened in desperation. We all have a breaking point. Please, try to give yourself grace.”
I shrug, but otherwise don’t say anything. I’m not sure I can get there, but if I do, it won’t be today. Yawning, I can feel the drug still pulling at me. Not to mention, therapy is fucking exhausting.
“Alright. We can leave it there. As soon as you get some rest, if you’re up for it, you may leave the medical wing.”
“Really?” For a moment, I’m excited, before I realize… “What about Roman?”
“Not until he starts therapy.”
Groaning, I put my hand over my face. Fuck. I’ve been staying here with him for a while, even though I’ve been allowed to leave. While I’m glad I’m not being put in lockdown again, I want him out too. Fuck it. As soon as I’m done with my nap, Operation: Get Roman Into Therapy is going into effect…
Anderson doesn’t say a word as he leaves, but as I’m falling asleep, I start thinking about ways to convince Roman that he needs to see Connor.
Because I want my love with me. It’s time we venture out, and that means facing what we fear.
I won’t let the box we were held in ruin our future.
Not when we have so many people ready to catch us if we ever fall again.