18. Carter
Watching Cristian’s relaxed features, thanks to the sedation he’s under, I can’t help but wonder how we got here.
Yes, it was my choice to end our marriage, my choice to throw away everything we’d worked for, but if anyone thinks it was easy…
I’d like them to go through what I have and come out the other side the same person they were.
I told him we didn’t ever leave that room, and I meant it. Months apart, falling in love with Marcus and Keegan, finding my feet as a leader of the Council…it all culminated in giving me a clarity and perspective I’d never had before.
My love for Cristian changed and grew. I’ll always love him.
In a lot of ways, we’ll always be tied together, even when our marriage finally ends legally.
Roman is our son, and we’ll always be there for him.
Even though he’s an adult, I know how badly he wants us both in his life, even if he’s unwilling to admit that at the moment.
I can’t say I fell out of love with Cristian.
Though that would be easier to manage than knowing I can love him but am not able to be with him.
Sometimes, love isn’t enough. The life we had…
it wasn’t enough. I can see that now. Free from the box he, my father, and my brother all put me in, I finally have a chance to use the tools they gave me and find out where I belong.
For that, as hard as the realization is, knowing we weren’t as right for each other as I once believed, I’ll always be thankful for the chance to love him. To help raise our son, and to learn how strong I really am.
Reaching out, I take Cristian’s hand in mine, hating how cold and lifeless it feels, even though I can see him alive and breathing right in front of me.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “Thank you for saving my love. For giving me my life, and…for loving me.”
The door to the room opens and I look up, uncaring if I’m wearing my emotions on my face.
I'm not ashamed of the love I have for this man.
Raising my free hand to my lips, I ask Tennant and Allesandro to be quiet, nodding in the direction of where Roman is curled up on the cot that Doc brought in for him, fast asleep.
“How long has he been sleeping for?” Tennant signs.
I shrug. Removing my hand from Cristian’s, I respond, “Probably an hour or so. It hasn’t been restful, though. He needs real sleep, but he refuses to leave.”
Tennant shakes his head and crosses the room to scoop Roman up. He stirs a little, letting out a soft cry as Tennant adjusts him in his arms. “Shhh, Little Prince. It’s just me. Let me make you more comfortable.”
“Dad…”
“Is fine. He’s not going anywhere, and neither are you.” Tennant sits on the cot with Roman in his lap, and Roman doesn’t fight him as he shifts the boy in his arms until he’s draped over Ten’s front.
As if realizing he’s now safe and secure, Roman sighs loudly, but doesn’t move.
I raise an eyebrow at Ten, who shrugs. “Lio is meeting with Anderson in Roman’s room. I’ll move him there once I get word they’re finished. He’ll rest easier with Lio nearby, but for now, this works.”
I’ll let Tennant deal with that, trusting he knows what to do with Roman. As long as my son is taken care of. And I know that, between all of Roman’s lovers, he will be. There’s nothing more I could want for the boy.
Allesandro takes a seat beside me. “When was the last time you left this room?” he asks quietly. “Aside from the Council update with Doc and Javi.”
I shrug. “I haven’t. Roman’s needed me.”
“Cristian wouldn’t want that for you,” Allesandro says gently. “As hurt as he is about the two of you, I know he still loves you and wants you to be happy. He wouldn’t want to wake up to find you’ve given up your life for him. You need proper rest as badly as Roman does.”
I suck in a breath. “I know, but…”
“No buts. You have two men who love you, and want to worship the ground you walk on. Plus another son. Let them take care of you. Cristian and Roman will be fine. Ten and I are here to make sure of it.”
I turn my head to look at Allesandro, though he keeps his attention on Cristian.
“He loves you,” I tell him. “Even if he doesn’t know how to express it.
I hurt him, deeply, and I acknowledge that.
But don’t let him push you away, because he’s a dumbass and can drag his feet when he wants to.
He’s stubborn”—Tennant snorts and mutters “understatement”—“but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. ”
“I know. I’m not giving up on him.”
“Good.”
Allesandro turns to me, his bright blue eyes holding a clarity that’s been missing for a long time now, and I can truly say I’m happy to see it again. “Go, Carter. Take time for yourself, sleep, let your loved ones take care of you. Roman’s and Cristian’s will do the same.”
I let out a slow breath. “You’ll call if something changes?”
“Of course.”
Casting one last look at Cristian, I can’t help but reach out and brush my fingers through his too-long hair. The length is unusual for him, and really shows the gray peppering the dark strands. Part of me aches at the thought of how much the stress of everything that’s happened has aged him.
Taking a deep breath, I stand, forcing myself to leave because otherwise, I know I won’t. I move over to Roman, and can see he’s fallen right back asleep on Ten, though he looks more content than before. Bending over, I press a quick kiss to his head.
At the door, I take a moment to turn and watch as Allesandro reaches out for Cristian, taking his hand. The love on the former Martelli Boss’s face is clear as day. And it’s like a punch to the gut as I watch the two of them.
I leave as quickly as I can, careful to not slam the door behind me. In the hall, I close my eyes and try to catch my breath. My heart breaking all over again.
I don’t regret my choices, but fuck, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to watch someone slide so easily into the place I occupied for so long.
Is this what Cristian feels when he sees me with Keegan and Marcus?
Fuck, it makes him stepping in front of Keegan and almost dying for him all the more emotional.
There’s a stark difference between knowing we’re both moving on, that we outgrew each other a long time ago, and finally seeing and understanding it.
Opening my eyes, I stumble away from the door, walking out of the medical wing in search of…something.
“Carter?” I turn at Keegan’s voice. “What’s wrong, Love?” He strides over to me and grabs my arms, holding me tightly.
I shake my head. “I…was politely encouraged to take a break and get some real sleep. Allesandro and Ten are with Roman and Cristian for now.”
“Okay. Good idea. I was going to drag you both out of there myself. Come on, I’ll walk you up.”
I shake my head. “I’m sure you have other important things to do—”
“Hush. Nothing is more important than you. I was checking on a few things, since Jude is with his Boys, but everything else can wait. Let’s go. You’re dead on your feet, Love.”
I let him grip my wrist and pull me along gently. “I don’t want to worry Cole…”
“Marcus took him to play with the goats again, and the damn bunny.”
“The bunny?”
“Yeah. I guess Atticus lets Monroe bunnysit whenever he wants, or something. Anyway, don’t worry about Cole. He’s doing good today, but he misses you. He’ll be happy if you have dinner with us. After your nap, of course.”
I smile a little. “I miss him too. I miss all three of you. I’m sorry…”
Keegan turns to me, placing two fingers over my lips.
“Shhh. It’s okay, Love. You don’t need to apologize.
I know Cristian is important to you.” He grimaces.
“I can’t say I like him, but I respect the place he has in your and Roman’s lives.
And I’m…working on being okay with the fact he saved my life. ”
I huff a little. “You don’t have to be his best friend, but I’m very grateful to know you’re still here with us. I…don’t know what I would do without you or Marcus. You’ve become my life.”
Keegan leans in and kisses me gently. “And you’re ours.”
He leads me into our suite and through to the bedroom, undressing me efficiently. He tries to bundle me into bed, but I don’t let him, holding onto him tightly.
“I got you, Love,” he whispers, hugging me closer.
Shuddering against him, I gasp, allowing the tears I’ve been holding back to finally fall. Keegan holds me through it all, letting me fall apart over another man and not saying a word aside from offering gentle, loving reassurance.
“What do you need, Love?” he finally asks when the onslaught dies down.
Pulling back, I meet those steel gray eyes of his, becoming breathless for a moment as he stares at me with nothing but understanding.
“S—Sir…” I swallow, the word almost sticking in my throat.
“I’m here.”
I shake my head, my body beginning to tremble.
“Shhh, I got you.” Keegan cups my face in his gentle hands, watching me carefully. “I’m here. Whatever you need.”
I know what he means. If I want to fall to my knees and let him take everything off my shoulders, he will.
If I ask him to hold me as I sleep, he’ll do that too.
But the way he stares at me, his gray eyes so bright and full of a love I never expected, even when we became family, bonding over our love of Cole…
I see a depth and wealth of understanding in them.
He’ll follow my lead, be whatever I need him to be.
Friend, lover, dominant…because that’s who he is and what he does… But…will he go for this?
Will he and Marcus accept the confusing, terrifying need rising in me, especially when I don’t understand it myself.
“S…” I try again, only my voice fails me. Tears slip down my cheeks and I close my eyes as I whisper, “Please…Daddy…please, hold me. Love me. Just…don’t let me go.”
“Never.” Keegan presses a kiss to my trembling lips. “I have you, my good Boy. It’s okay. I have you.”
I clutch at him, feeling as if I’m going to fall apart at the seams, but also…freer than I have been in a very long time—if ever. “Please, Daddy.”
“Shhh. On the bed.”
Shakily, I do as instructed, happy to fall back into Keegan—Daddy’s embrace as he follows me. “I… Please…just love me.”
“I do. I love you so fucking much, Carter.” He kisses me again, soft but with enough bite that I can feel he really means it. “You’re such a good Boy. Thank you for trusting me.”
My eyes get heavy, as exhaustion and the riot of emotions swirling through me finally catches up to me. “Thank you for being here…”
“Always, Love. Always.”
He tightens his arms around me, and I give in to the sleep that's pulling at me. Hoping, praying, trusting this isn’t all just a dream, and I really have found someone—a Daddy—who can hold and love me and let me surrender myself to him.
Please let this be real…