24. Roman
Ilook at myself in the mirror, fiddling with the hem of my new skirt.
When Lio and I were online shopping a few weeks ago, we both added different styles of clothing to the cart that went against what we’re used to wearing.
He encouraged me to go for blouses and skirts that are more feminine, and fit me differently than what I’m used to.
“You’re beautiful, Love,” he says as he wraps his arms around me.
“But is it appropriate?” I ask, worried about what Connor is going to think.
“Who cares? You’re a Council member, you can wear what you damn well please. Connor isn’t going to judge you for what you’re wearing, I promise.”
Looking back in the mirror, I try to see what he does. The light-pink skirt complements my skin tone in a way I never thought about before, showing off my long legs as it stops midway up my thighs. The lace and ruffles are delicate and dainty, making me look innocent.
The white top I’m wearing is form fitting, the hem coming just to the waistband of my skirt. The lace trim on the hem and neckline add to the illusion that I’m nothing more than a femme twink.
It’s not an everyday outfit. I’m far more comfortable in my pleated skirts that hit my knees and my dress shirts, but the way Lio is looking at me, his eyes wide and full of lust and love… Yeah, I can be persuaded to dress up more on occasion.
Reaching up, I fiddle with my hair, trying and failing to get the waves to cooperate, but the too-long strands want to fall across my forehead.
“Stop it,” he says gently, turning me and taking my hands in his. “You’re perfect.”
Lio leans in and kisses me softly, the taste of him so familiar, yet new at the same time. “Come on, you don’t want to be late.”
Taking a deep breath, I nod. “Okay. I’m ready.”
He doesn’t look as if he believes me, but takes my hand and leads me out of the bathroom anyway.
I try to focus on my hand in Lio’s, the sound of my new shoes hitting the floor—neither my dress shoes or my boots would go with this outfit, so the white ballet flats were another “must have” purchase—desperately trying to ignore the way my heart races, and my breathing speeds up, with every step we get closer to Connor’s office.
Lio squeezes my hand when we stop outside his door. As much as I want him to be the one to knock, I know why he can’t. This journey is mine. Lio may be here to hold my hand and walk the path with me, but I’m the one who has to lead the way.
I’ve never been more terrified in my entire life, but I knock, softly at first, and then give it a real knock. There’s barely a second between my second knock and Connor’s “Come in,” but it’s a second full of anxiety.
Taking a deep breath, I tighten my grip on Lio and open the door, not thinking too hard about what I’m doing as I cross the threshold, dragging my best friend, my lifeline, along with me.
I look everywhere except at Connor at first, impressed by the tasteful decor of the office. There’s a desk in the corner, dark wood and imposing, bracketed by bookshelves that are bursting.
The walls have gone from a sterile white to a soft pink color, which is a surprise, but paired with the cream-colored couch and matching soft pink plush armchairs in a cluster on one side of the room, it works.
One of the walls is half covered by a corkboard, with various crayon drawings and watercolor paintings pinned to it.
Each piece of artwork varies in skill-level, leading me to believe they were created by different people.
A warm, funny sensation builds in my chest when I look at them, so I turn my attention to the white and dark pink rug covering the floor of the seating area.
“Thank you for coming to see me,” Connor says softly as he sits in a chair across from the couch.
My breath catches when I meet his eyes. His expression is soft, open, and non-judgmental, despite how long it took me to get this far.
“Lio stays with me,” I tell him.
He nods. “Of course. I’m more than happy to have him sit in with us if that makes you more comfortable. Would you like to take a seat?”
Letting out a shaky breath, I make my way across the room and sit on the couch, pressing myself against Lio as he sits besides me.
I’m very thankful my Love is so generous and doesn’t balk from my affection, even though I know it’s hard for him.
I’m not sure I could do this if I didn’t have him close.
“It’s good to officially meet you, Roman,” Connor says. “I’ve been looking forward to it since hearing about you.”
I squirm under his attention. “I…I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t apologize. I understand; it’s scary, isn’t it? The thought of diving into things that may hurt, but I promise, you’re not in this alone. I’m here, Lio is here, Javi is here. None of us will let you falter.”
Biting my lip, I look down at my lap, unsure what to think or say.
“Today we’re going to take the time to get to know you.
I can’t help if I don’t understand what’s going on in your head.
I know you don’t know me, and you’re scared.
I don’t expect this to be easy, or to happen right away.
I’m here to be another safe space for you, okay?
We’re not going to jump into anything too scary right away. ”
I let out a short, bitter laugh and look back up at him. “Do you know what happened with the first therapist they threw at me?”
Connor grimaces. “I heard about it, yes. I’m sorry you went through that. Stanley was a disgrace, and I’m honestly surprised he passed the rigorous background checks your people have.”
Lio lets out a growl. “He was a fucking traitor who had powerful people protecting him. It’s no one’s fault but his, and the fucking Senator. I hope he’s rotting in Hell where he belongs.”
Lio leaves out that it was probably Leandro’s fault as well, but then we’re all blissfully ignorant of the fact my best friend likes sowing chaos.
“Trauma like that can leave a lasting effect. Even though you only met with him once, I understand it warped your perspective of therapy—more than it already was—so I don’t blame you for being hesitant.”
“He threw my insecurities in my face,” I spit.
“He tried to convince me that I’m not really in love with Tennant, Jude, Hollis, Ignacio, or Lio.
He tried to say the way I look,” I gesture to my skirt and flash my dark red nails at him, “is wrong. He…he told me I failed my father…” I can’t stop the tears as a knot forms in my throat, and I whimper.
Lio lets go of my hand to wrap his arm around me, and I soak up his touch.
“He broke me,” I manage to finally say. “I was already broken, and he shattered whatever pieces of myself I was finding again. If it wasn’t for Lio, I’m not sure what would have happened.
I am weak. Too weak to be a co-leader of the Council.
I try…fucking hell, do I try so hard, but I know I’m not good enough. ”
Doubling over, I barely register Lio’s soft whispers of reassurance as he holds me tightly. I look up at Connor with tears falling down my face. His dark green gaze burns into mine, and instead of judgment or censure, I see nothing but care and understanding.
“I’ve tried my whole life to be what my father wanted, but I can’t… I’m just me. And who I am isn’t good enough.”
“That’s not true at all, Rome!” Lio says fiercely. “I love you just as you are. So does everyone else—even fucking Cristian.”
My insides warm a little at the conviction in my friend’s voice, but I don’t look away from Connor’s gaze. Not when he leans forward, eyes intense, but his open expression doesn’t change.
“I’m inclined to side with Lio,” he says softly. “I can tell you’re someone who does things his own way. Your manner of dress is a hint of that. You’re unique in personality, and that’s not a bad thing. If we were all the same, it’d be rather boring to live in the world, don’t you think?”
I shrug as best I can in my hunched over position. “Maybe…but I don’t know, maybe Stanley had a point?”
“No, he didn’t!” both Connor and Lio tell me.
I huff a strained laugh and straighten up.
Lio drops his arm and I reach for his hand again, threading our fingers together.
“He said I have daddy issues, and maybe I do. Cristian…my father…fuck I don’t even know what to call him anymore?
I’ve been angry and hurt for so long that I’ve been calling him Cristian.
But…seeing him in the hospital bed, fighting for his life, knowing he was out there because he was following my rule?
It's hard to fit that man with the one who told me that the only other parent I'd ever known wasn't my real dad.” I close my eyes and suck in a breath, fighting back more tears as the confusion and hurt crash over me all over again.
“I know how I was born. My father needed an heir to get his uncle off his back, and so he hired a surrogate.
He gave her the option to be in my life, because he never thought he'd marry—back then, the thought of a gay Boss was inconceivable.
She chose to take the money and skip out of the country, never to be seen again.
She hasn't even seen her own family since the day she left.
I know because her mother, my nan, has always been part of my life.
We don't see each other often. Hell, I haven't spoken to her in months, because I don't want the Senator to find that connection.
She's safe on the other side of the country.
“But my father was the only one I had growing up…him and Tennant. Then Carter. But from day one, it was me and Cristian, and I've tried so hard to be someone worthy, to deserve the place he carved out for me.”
Connor grabs a box of tissues off the side table beside his chair and extends them to me. I have to release Lio to grab and pull one out, but I appreciate the gesture.
“Let me ask you this,” Connor says gently. “Has Cristian ever made you feel as if you've had to live up to some expectation, or is that something you put on yourself because you find yourself lacking?”