24. Roman #2
Connor is so calm, so matter-of-fact, that even though his question is hard, I don't balk against it too much.
Taking a long breath, I don't look at him or Lio as I answer, too ashamed of my response.
“I did it to myself. He…he's only ever encouraged me.
He was there for me when I was ten and told him I hated pants.
He fought the school board at the private school I went to, stood firm in front of all the judgment from the other parents and the administration when he demanded I be allowed to wear the skirts with my uniform.
“He took it in stride when I told him I wanted to paint my nails.
Though, I told Carter first, because I trusted him.
Not more than Dad, but… I wasn't sure what he'd think about there being another unique thing about me.
I…I just wanted to be someone he could be proud of.
I looked at him and Tennant and I saw two men who went through hell and back to save our Family.
They killed my great-uncle, though I'm not sure either of them will ever admit outright that it wasn't an ‘accident’ that took his life.
“They built the Family up with their bare and bloodied hands, so Dad could be openly gay. He married Carter without giving it a second thought, because he curated our lives to be about more than our sexualities.
“He gave me so much. It may never have been traditional, but I didn't need it because I had him.” My breath comes out in pants, and it's only Lio’s hand in mine that helps soothe me.
“You looked up to him,” Connor says gently. “You put him on a pedestal, and when he failed to live up to the image you had of him, you faltered.”
I nod, swallowing around the uncomfortableness in my throat, because that's exactly right.
“It's my fault,” I whisper. “I let him down because I am not the man he needs me to be. I am not strong. I let him down. I chose another man over him. I fell in love with his best friend, despite knowing how much Tennant means to him. I let myself be used by my lovers because I am too weak to be dominant.”
Something dark and heavy crosses Connor’s eyes, and he holds up his hand to silence Lio when my Love starts to protest.
“Submission is not weak, Roman. It is the strongest thing a person can do, placing their trust and well-being in the hands of another person. It may be the dominant’s desires that come before the submissive’s, but it is the submissive’s needs, their care, their gift to the Dom, that comes first. Would you like to look at your friend there and tell him he's not strong? That his submission to his Daddy, Master, and Owner makes him weak.”
I shake my head as shame curls inside me. “I'm sorry.” I look at Lio. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.”
“I know, Love.” He brushes my hair back and leans forward to kiss me softly.
“It's not your fault, or even Cristian's. Neither of you failed the other,” Conner tells me. Then he corrects himself. “Well, Cristian maybe, as he didn't take the time to reassure you and show you his flaws, but that doesn't make you a failure, Roman.
“This life…it is not one I am familiar with. In fact, I tried my hardest to escape this type of life.” He must see the interest in my gaze as he chuckles.
“Let's just say I grew up, not as the heir of a mafia Family, but I know a thing or two about this side of the law. It…is not a life I ever wanted to return to, but I am not worried about the laws you may or may not be breaking.”
Lio and I exchange a look. The glee in my friend's eyes at knowing Connor isn't so innocent is infectious, and I look at the therapist in a different light.
“I cannot imagine the pressure on your shoulders, Roman. But I can help you manage it. I can get you and Cristian on Marshall's schedule. I can sit with you if you want to tell him how you feel. You are not alone. Even when it feels like it.”
I gasp, wondering how he knows that is one of my biggest insecurities without me voicing it?
Connor’s lips turn up at the corners. “My job is to be your partner as you walk through this mental health journey. I will hold your hand if you want.” He emphasizes his point by holding his hand out in the space between us.
“I will be your reminder to be gentle with yourself when you feel as if you've taken a step forward only to take two back. I will help shine a light on the demons in your mind, so they cannot hurt you anymore.”
Connor drops his hand and moves so he's barely sitting on the edge of his chair.
“I will be there to tell you it's not your fault.
You're not a failure. The pedestal you put your father on was the hopes and dreams of a young boy who only wanted to give back the love and care he received. There is nothing wrong with that.
“You did not fail because you had nothing to prove, and I will help you come to terms with believing that. You did not fail, or let anyone down. And I will be there to remind you of that. You're not alone, Roman. Not anymore.”
His soft voice is hypnotizing. I feel drawn to him, so much that I drop Lio’s hand and lean forward a little to get closer to him.
Connor smiles encouragingly at me, and for the first time since entering his office, I take a deep breath, feeling safe and secure in the promises he's making me.
Tears fill my eyes and I swallow hard, throwing myself back against the couch and plastering myself to Lio once more.
It all seems too good to be true, and I am terrified Connor will be another person I fail.
“It's okay,” Connor says softly. “I apologize for pushing too far. Thank you for opening up to me today, Roman. I am very proud of you.”
I whimper.
Lio presses a kiss to my head. “You're doing good, Love.”
“I think we'll stop here for today. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you did good, Roman. You opened up, gave us a starting point. I won't lie and say this is going to be easy, but I will be here every step of the way.”
“T—thank you,” I whisper. Clearing my throat, I say it again, louder this time. “Thank you, Sir.”
My face heats because why the fuck did I add on Sir?
Connor’s smile is worth every bit of embarrassment as he says, “You're welcome, Little Bird.”
I swallow around the rush of feelings those four words give me and hurriedly stand, dragging Lio along as I rush to escape not only the office, but the riot of emotions coursing through me.
I don't stop until we're back in my stupid hospital room, the door shut firmly behind us, as Echo and Jinx crawl around at our feet, begging for pets—and treats.
Lio stares at me with so much love in his emerald gaze that he steals the rest of my breath. “I'm so proud of you, Rome.”
He surges forward and kisses me, hard and deep. I pour all I am into him. All my fear, all my anxiety, all the pain, but there's love there too.
With the name only he's allowed to call me on his lips, and the squishy, confusing, and safe feelings Connor gave me running through me, all I can do is hold onto my Love and trust he's here to catch me.
For the first time in…maybe ever, I feel as if I might not be so alone. And that's thanks to the man in my arms, and the one who called me Little Bird, and looked at me, not as if I was broken, but as someone worthy.
And that's a gift I'll always cherish.
Maybe I can actually do this. With Lio…and Connor by my side.