32. Cristian
Opening your eyes and seeing a strange man with an oversized rabbit in his lap sitting near your bed is what nightmares are made of.
“Hello. We haven’t been formally introduced, I’m Atticus.” The voice is gentle, and matches the clean-cut appearance, but… I’ve heard about his arrival, and someone who can cut down Tennant’s men single-handedly doesn’t mesh with the man sitting next to me.
“What are you doing here?”
Atticus’s lips twitch. “Javi says you’ve come to terms with needing therapy.
Good, it makes it easier for you. I was fully prepared to drag you along kicking and screaming, and am mildly disappointed that I don’t get to.
Never mind that, though. I just thought I’d introduce myself, seeing as how we’ll be spending a lot of time together once you’re more awake and alert. ”
“Shouldn’t I get a say in who I see?”
“Nope. Javi is the expert. He called me in specifically for you.”
Concern fills me and I try to sit up, only the pain radiating from my chest reminds me why that’s a bad idea.
Atticus stares at me, his eyes flat and emotionless, but I can feel the judgment emanating from both him and the damn bunny. “You don’t have to like it, don’t have to like me. But we have your consent, and that’s more than I need.”
“I can always retract said consent.” I scowl.
He chuckles and pets the bunny. “And where would that leave you, in your relationships with not only your son and ex-husband, but your current love? Do you want to be known as someone who goes back on his word? Mental health is something this Family takes seriously, and if you show you’re unwilling to do the bare minimum…
well, I’ve known people to cut ties with their toxic families for similar reasons.
” He gathers his pet into his arms and stands.
“I’ll be back tomorrow. For now, think about what I said, and what it is you truly want.
Because this is happening, whether you like it or not…
And if you decide you don’t want to cooperate, well, Marshall isn’t the only one who’s taken matters into his own hands. ”
With that parting shot, he leaves me to my tumbling thoughts.
“I don’t want to be stuck in this fucking toxicity anymore. But I want you with me.”
“Wait for me, and I’ll wait for you.”
“I thought you were my forever.”
“I refuse to go back into the box you shoved me in.”
“I don’t think we ever really left that room.”
Words from the only two men I’ve ever loved swirl around and around in my head, and the pain in my chest cannot be attributed to my surgery or injury, but rather the breaking of my own heart.
“Love is a weakness. Your father died because he let that bitch poison him.”
“An heir is the only good, normal thing you’ve ever done.”
“You’re weak. Useless. Just like your father before you. I should have killed you.”
Closing my eyes, I try my best to beat my uncle’s voice back.
“You are not his. And even if you were, you will still always be mine.”
The only reason I even survived my childhood was because of Tennant, and I fucked up that relationship too. And for what? Because I let my power, my control, my understanding of what was right and wrong as a Boss take over?
“You always say you don’t want to be your uncle, but I'm sorry to say, Amore, you’ve failed.”
The lessons I was taught, that Allesandro was taught, run deep within both of us. We were shaped to be the leaders, the authority, the be-all end-all of our respective Families.
In the end, we became shells of the people we were always supposed to be, and instead, we allowed the ones who sought to break us to win.
But Allesandro is changing that. My love is growing, learning, becoming a better person, and he has earned his spot in this Council.
While I have been left behind.
It’s nothing less than what I deserve.
Before I can spiral further down the path of wallowing in the mistakes I’ve made, and the guilt of single-handedly destroying my family, there’s a knock on my hospital room door. It’s pushed open a moment later and Roman walks in, a covered plate in his hands.
“You okay?” he asks right away.
I try to take a deep breath, focus my thoughts again, but all I get is pain for my efforts.
He hurries across the room, setting the plate aside and fussing over me as I shift uncomfortably in the bed. “Hold still, dammit. Doc is already stressed. He’ll be pissed if you hurt yourself more.”
I grimace as I settle once more. “Sorry, Figlio Mio. You don’t have to worry about me.” Though it makes me happy you are. It means I haven’t lost you completely yet.
Roman huffs and takes a seat in the chair Atticus just vacated. “Yes, well, I will. You’re still my parent, even if you piss me off.”
I huff a laugh, appreciating his honesty.
“Sorry I wasn’t here earlier. We had a long meeting, and I was exhausted from the day before, so Lio let me sleep in a little this morning before we had to get to work.”
“Don’t worry about it. I know you’re busy. You don’t have to spend all your time catering to me.”
Roman sniffs but doesn’t comment, reaching for the plate. “Allesandro made pastries. I honestly don’t know where he finds the time, but I brought you some.”
“Thank you.” I look down at the plain croissant, cranberry muffin, and apricot cornetto. Fuck, my heart really has my number, and I adore him for it.
Roman shrugs like it wasn’t a big deal, but we both know better. With how hurt he was by my actions, I know how important this gesture is.
“I’m sorry,” I say lowly.
Roman’s dark green eyes meet mine, wide and full of hope…and devastation.
My heart clenches as the guilt rises again, knowing I ruined our relationship, and for what?
Because I thought I knew better than he did?
Because I tried to have control over his life, and his relationships, when he’s an adult and can make his own choices?
Has been making choices about who he wants to spend his life with since he was nineteen.
“What are you sorry for?” he asks carefully, cautiously.
“For treating you like a child, one who can’t make his own decisions about what is best for himself.
For almost killing one of the men you love, because I wanted to be right.
For trying to take away the only other parent you’ve ever known.
I’m sorry for not being a better father, Roman.
For all the times I disappointed you growing up.
For ever making you feel as if you were living in my shadow, because you surpassed me years ago.
Maybe it was jealousy, since you have always been your own person.
Free, in a way I never got to be. And I am so fucking sorry for ever making you feel as if who you are is not enough. ”
Tears roll down his cheeks, and I hate making him cry, but that he feels so comfortable with me, despite everything, to let me see his pain? I’ll hold that close, because it means maybe I haven’t completely fucked up.
“I’m proud of you, Figlio. Sei la cosa migliore che abbia mai fatto. Essere tuo padre è un onore.”
“I love you,” he whispers. “And…I’m working on learning how to forgive you.”
I offer him a small, fragile smile. “I love you too, Roman. Take all the time you need. I’m not saying this to be forgiven. Just know, I trust you, and I am honored to serve the Council.”
He sniffs and looks away for a moment before meeting my gaze again. “I’m sorry too. Sorry I didn’t realize what was happening to you and Allesandro. I’ve been bullied, I know how it feels, and I am ashamed I allowed it to happen under my roof.”
“You’ve had a lot going on. I don’t blame you.”
He shakes his head. “It’s not an excuse. As a leader, I need to do better. Lio is pissed, and he has every right to be. I’m upset as well. I… Fuck, without him, I’m not sure I would be able to see the situation clearly. You’re a blind spot for me.”
“I don’t blame you, Roman. For anything,” I repeat.
“Being a Boss is hard, and building something new from the ground up is even more difficult. I am proud of you, Carter, and Emilio. You’ve done something no one else in this world would have the courage to do, and you’re making it work.
Be proud of yourself, and your choices. Don’t focus on the negatives, not when the positives outweigh them. ”
His face crumples and he reaches for my hand, taking it in both of his.
“That’s the Cristian I grew up with. The one who always had the right thing to say, and who could calm my nerves almost instantly.
The one who, instead of getting upset with my bodyguard for detouring and buying me ice cream after a bad day, kissed him.
I…am working with my therapist on things.
It’s still early days…fuck, I can’t even have a session without Lio being with me, but I want to get better.
To learn how to manage my emotions, and maybe process things that have happened, that I chose to shove aside rather than deal with.
I…want to see one of the therapists with you, too. ”
I nod instantly. “Carter and I already discussed it, and yes. I’ll do whatever you want, Roman. Whatever it takes. I won’t fail you again, Figlio, I promise.”
He gives me a wobbly smile. “We failed each other, I think. But I’m ready to try. To…have a real relationship with you again. If that’s what you want.”
“More than anything, Figlio. More than anything on this Earth. I love you, and want you to be happy. I’ll do everything for you.”
“For yourself too,” he says softly. “I know the sacrifices you made for me, Ten, Carter, and even Doc. Now, it’s time to take care of yourself.”
I swallow and look down to the plate of pastries in my lap, smiling a little at how thoughtful Sandro is.
How he shows his love in acts of service, and how he deserves more than I’ve been able to give him thus far.
For him, and for myself, and for the son I absolutely don’t deserve, I need to do better. I will.
Looking up at Roman once more, I offer him the most genuine smile I ever have. “Yeah, Figlio. I think I’m ready now. For real this time.”
The relief on my son’s face is enough to break me, but it also gives me the strength to move forward. Finally.