Chapter 21
Tobias
Iwasn’t sure Brooke would even notice the mess in the backyard.
She hasn’t mentioned the flags stuck around the perimeter, marking underground lines and denoting the location of everything going into the backyard.
To be fair, Tucker did manage to dig a pretty big hole today, so the mound of dirt is pretty obvious.
As obvious as my statement about wanting to keep her here was.
Brooke’s eyes move from the yard to my face. “I shouldn’t stay here, Tobias.”
I can’t say her words don’t sting, but once the initial bite of them passes, something sticks out.
“You talk an awful lot about what you shouldn’t do.” I turn toward her, draping an arm across the back of the couch. “But I don’t hear you say too much about what you want to do.”
She barely shakes her head. “What I want doesn’t matter.”
I hold her gaze. “It does to me.”
I know how Brooke was raised. The way she was always put last. It made her think what she wanted was irrelevant.
Then I sent her to California alone, thinking I didn’t give a shit about her feelings either.
And Matt. Fucking Matt. I swear on everything I own if I ever have the chance, I’ll make that bastard disappear.
I’m sure my mother will help.
I lean close, reducing the space between us. “What you want might matter to me more than anything.”
I try to think of something I’d put above Brooke’s wants or needs. I’m not sure it exists. Not my family—they’re fine without me. Not Thing One and Thing Two—they don’t even know me. Not my job, not my house, not my cars or truck.
Not even myself.
If she told me today she wanted to move to Alaska, I’d pack everything up and be ready to go.
I’ve lived without her once already. I won’t do it again.
Brooke shakes her head, this time more aggressively. “Don’t say things like that. I can’t…” Her eyes lift to the ceiling. “I can’t think straight when you do.”
“I don’t say anything to you that’s not true, Brooke.” I close a little more of the distance between us, bringing my thigh flush with hers. “And I don’t say anything I don’t wish like hell I’d been smart enough to say ten years ago.”
I’m so glad I jumped in the shower as soon as Tucker left so I can touch her without messing up her pretty dress. Lifting one hand, I brush the tips of my fingers against her cheek. “If you leave me, you’re going to do it knowing exactly how I feel, and everything I’ll do to make you stay.”
Her next breath is shaky as her dark eyes search mine. “I just got out of a bad relationship, Toby. I lost myself. I don’t even know who I am now. How can you want me when I don’t know if I want myself?”
The anguish in her voice stabs through me. The pain is deep and dark. Sharp and violent. I can’t stand the thought of how she’s suffered. Everything she thinks she’s lost.
But it’s all still there. I can see it, even if she can’t.
“Let me help you out a little then.” I brush back her hair, being careful not to disturb the waves as I smooth over the soft strands.
“You are brilliant. Hard working. Determined and motivated.” I think of how she shares her lunch with Maren every day.
The gift she got my parents, and the way she messages Mariah each morning to see how she’s feeling.
“You’re a good friend. You are thoughtful and kind and giving.
” My eyes drift to Copper and Bruno. “You are one hell of a good dog mom.” I turn back to the woman beside me.
“And you always smell really good, which is helpful since I normally stink.”
The last bit has her laughing. “You don’t stink. You just smell like work.” Her smile dims a little. “Work is another problem.” Her eyes close and she lets out a little groan. “You’re my boss, and we’ve been—”
“Titus is your boss.” I shut that thought down right away.
Not because I’d have a problem with being her boss, but I know Brooke would.
She cares how people see her. Always has.
And thanks to a fucked-up childhood, probably always will.
“But if you’re really worried about it, I’ll make sure he changes your position to rank over mine. ”
Brooke scoffs. “You own the company.”
I shrug. “Doesn’t mean I don’t have a boss.”
She tips her head, looking skeptical. “Who’s your boss?”
I point at where Copper is snoring. “That little beast, for starters.” I consider a second. “And I’m pretty sure Pierce from Alaskan Security thinks he can tell me what to do.” To be fair, he pays well for that luxury. I tip my head toward Brooke. “And you.”
She rolls her eyes. “I’m not the boss of you. I don't ever tell you what to do.”
It’s cute that she thinks that’s what would make her the boss of me. It’s not.
I lean forward, aligning my eyes with hers. “You are the reason for everything I do, Brooklyn Marie.” I say it slowly so I know she hears it. “Your happiness is the driving force behind each decision I make and every action I take.”
Brooke pulls in a sharp breath, her lips parting as it passes between them. Like what I’ve said surprised her.
It shouldn’t have. I haven’t done a very good job of hiding my intentions.
I tried. Kind of. It’s just impossible when she’s so perfect. When I’ve waited so long.
When I still love her so damn much.
Brooke’s lower lip finds its way between her teeth as she processes what I’ve said. When she releases it, the flesh is pink and plump and in desperate need of my tongue against it.
“What if I’m not who you think I am?”
Her question draws my attention away from her mouth. “What?”
“It’s been almost ten years.” Her voice barely wavers. “What if you built me up to be something I’m not?”
I grin, because it’s so easy to quash that fear. “Sweetheart, you’ve barely been back two months and you’re already better than I ever could have imagined you.”
Part of me worried maybe Brooke had changed in a way that wouldn’t fit with the ways I’ve changed. But the longer I’m around her, the more it’s clear that’s not going to be a problem. And the more grateful I am I had this time to become a better man. Because that’s what she needs. A better man.
Someone patient. Someone calm. Someone secure in who they are and what they want. Someone who’s not afraid to show her how they feel. To talk about important things. Someone willing to be vulnerable, and take a risk.
Someone who is sure so she doesn’t have to be.
Brooke reaches out to toy with the front of my shirt, her fingers messing with the cotton hem. “You’re better too.” One corner of her mouth lifts. “It’s kind of annoying.”
I pretend to be offended, letting my jaw drop open. “It’s annoying that I’m better than I was?” I shake my head. “Now you’re not making any sense.”
She rolls her eyes, huffing out a little laugh. “It’s annoying, because I’m supposed to be taking some time to get my shit together, and you are making it really hard to stay focused on the right things.”
Once again, I disagree with her. “I think you’re trying too hard to focus on the wrong things.”
She sobers. “You don’t get it.”
“Then explain it to me.” I take a deep breath before asking for something I don’t actually want. “Tell me what happened.”
We’ve been here before, and I’m expecting this conversation to go similarly. That Brooke will give me one more piece of the puzzle of her past and then shift the conversation to safer waters.
Instead, she drops a bomb I don’t fully see coming.
“Matt said he’d kill me if I ever left him.”
I blink, my brain trying to wrap around the collection of words rattling through my head at a speed that makes them difficult to catch.
Did she say Matt threatened to kill her if she left?
One hand lifts to her neck, the way I’ve seen her do countless times before, as she explains.
“He’d already come close a couple times, so I believed him.
” She tugs at the neckline of her dress even though it’s nowhere near her throat.
“He’d pushed all my friends away and had my parents in the palm of his hand, so I didn’t have anyone to help me.
” She grips the fabric of her dress, holding it away from her skin.
“I didn’t have access to any money. He had ways to track my phone. I was trapped.”
I try to keep my breathing slow and steady because I know if I react, she’s going to stop talking. My voice is low and soft when I ask, “How did you get away?”
She barely smiles. “Your mom.” She lifts her eyes to my face. “She gave me the keys to her rental car and snuck me out the back door of the church.”
I owe my mother flowers. Possibly a new car. Maybe a new puppy. I know my brothers don’t love it when she gets in their business, but I’m going to thank God every day she got into mine.
Because it’s what saved Brooke.
“It sounds like you haven’t been in a relationship for a while.” I carefully lay out the truth as I see it. “It seems like you were part of a hostage situation.”
Brooke’s head tips, her brows pinching. “A hostage situation?”
“Were you there by choice?”
She shakes her head.
“Would you have left if you could have?”
Brooke snorts. “A long time ago.”
I shrug. “Then it sounds to me like you weren’t actually in a relationship. You were being held hostage.”
She’s quiet for a minute before asking, “Why does that make me feel better?”
“Because it’s making you see what happened isn’t your fault.” I hate that she ever tried to hold onto any responsibility for the abuse she suffered. It’s disgusting that victims are made to carry the burden of their suffering while also being judged for ‘allowing’ it.
But what were you wearing?
Why didn’t you just leave?
You shouldn’t have been drinking.
You gave him the wrong idea.
“It feels like it’s my fault.” Brooke drops my eyes again. “I thought I was smarter than that.”
“You are brilliant.” I tip her head back until she’s looking at me again. “Pricks like Matt don’t go after stupid women. Controlling someone like that wouldn’t feed their ego.”
“I don’t want to feed his ego.” Her eyes narrow. “I want him to starve.” There’s a sharpness to her tone that hasn’t been there before.
And I love it.
“Your lips to God’s ears.” I like the idea of Matt suffering. Would love to have the opportunity to be the one inflicting at least a little bit of it.
Brooke blows out a breath, her forehead dropping to my shoulder. “I don’t want to think about him anymore, but I do. I don’t want what he did to keep affecting me, and it does.”
I wrap my arms around her, pulling her closer. “I don’t know if you can control that.” I drop my head, breathing against her hair. “But I do think you might benefit from finding a therapist who can help you get as close to that goal as possible.”
Her head tilts, cheek resting against me. “I wouldn’t even begin to know how to find a therapist.”
“I do.”
Brooke straightens, eyes wide with surprise as she looks at me. “How do you know how to find a therapist?”
I give her a grin. “You didn’t think I figured everything out all on my own, did you?”
It took me a few years to suck it up and admit I didn’t know shit, but once I did, a whole lot started becoming very clear.
Like how I had a fucked-up view of what love should look like thanks to only seeing one side of my parents’ ‘picture perfect’ marriage.
Like how my expectations for myself might be a little higher than is healthy.
Like how I was going to have to learn to be happy alone, because I’m not someone who’s willing to settle.
“You went to therapy?”
She sounds skeptical. And I get it. I’m not the only one of my brothers who could use a little help in the emotional development department, but so far, I’m the only one who’s gotten it. A fact I’m a little too smug about.
Probably something I should talk about during my next appointment.
“Still go.” I smooth a hand up and down her arm. “I meet with Burt over Zoom every two weeks.”
Brooke just stares at me, looking stunned by this revelation. So I keep going, spilling all the reasons behind the decision.
“I was really struggling for a while. Having a hard time facing the way my future was going to look.” I take a deep breath, preparing to confess something I’ve never admitted to anyone. Not even Burt. “There were a couple times I thought maybe I didn’t want to be around to see it.”
Brooke gasps, one hand lifting to her mouth.
I always tried to be the easygoing brother. The funny one. I do my best to be chill and laid-back and not take shit too seriously. But not taking shit seriously is what left me lonely and depressed.
Burt helped me see some things don’t matter and some things do. I’m still easygoing and funny. Chill and laid-back. I still don’t take much seriously.
But now there are a few things I don’t joke about.
And two of them involve Brooke.
I will never be laid-back over her or the way I feel about her.
Brooke’s eyes shimmer as they move over my face. Like she’s looking for something. Maybe trying to decide if what I’m saying is true. If I’m really the man I keep showing her I am.
“Toby.” A single tear escapes the corner of one eye. “I’m so sorry.”
I catch the wayward drop with my thumb, swiping it away.
“You don’t have a thing to be sorry for.
Nothing I went through was your fault.” I hold her eyes.
“It was entirely my doing. That’s why I decided to go to therapy.
” I smooth across her cheek, wiping away the rest of the tear.
“Because I knew I never wanted to make a mistake as big as letting you go again.”