12. Connor #2
“Me, too,” he says before pressing his lips together to unsuccessfully hold in a smile. It’s crumbs, but I’ll take it.
“Okay, so we’ll figure something out. Maybe we could grab something to eat? No big fancy date or anything, just burgers or pizza.”
“Sounds good.”
He gets out of the car before I have a chance to do or say anything more.
I drive home before I go to the rink. My gym bag is there and I could really use a shower and a change of clothes.
Mom tries to grab me as soon as I let myself into the house. I smell like someone who had sweaty sex last night and she’ll definitely pick up on it.
“I’ll be down in a minute,” I call on my way to the shower.
I stand under the spray, closing my eyes and enjoying the sensation of getting clean, try not to panic that I might never have Elliot’s smell on my skin again. We’re going to talk later. We’ll figure something out.
Scout’s in the kitchen chatting to Mom when I get downstairs. They’re giggling about something and sharing a bag of cookies.
“Where were you last night?” Mom asks.
“ Urgh, don’t wanna know,” Scout says. I smile at her.
After what Elliot told me about her standing up to his bullies and putting herself in the firing line, I want heal whatever this shit is between us more than ever.
She’s my sister, for fuck’s sake, and I love her.
I know she loves me, too, under all this armor .
“I just stayed out with a friend,” I tell Mom.
“A girlfriend?” Mom raises a hopeful eyebrow.
“Mom, if he was out all night with some girl he just met, you’d best believe she’s not a ‘girlfriend.’”
“Are we slut shaming here, sis?”
“I’m only shaming you. I am questioning her intelligence, though.”
I snort.
Mom rolls her eyes before pivoting back to me. “What’s her name?”
“There was no girl.” My heart rate picks up. I could tell them both right now. Tell them I was with a guy last night. But Mom won’t let it drop until she finds out who and Elliot made it pretty clear he doesn’t want anyone to know we’re hooking up.
Mom’s shoulders sag. “So, you were just up playing video games all night?”
“No, Mom, he was hooking up with some puck bunny and he doesn’t want to get your hopes up about grandbabies.”
“Grandbabies?” Mom asks. “Please tell me you used protection.”
Scout gags. “TMI.”
Mom and Scout argue good-naturedly about whether asking me if I used protection with this imaginary girl is TMI or not and I stand back, watching, smiling. I only zone back into the conversation when Mom says Eli’s name.
“Where is he today? He didn’t stay over last night?”
If it was anyone else, Scout might have put two and two together and accurately got four. But the thought of me and Eli hooking up is obviously so out of her realm of possibility that it didn’t even cross her mind. I guess that’ll make it easier for us to stay on the down low .
“He’s at the library,” Scout says. “I’m gonna pick him up in an hour and we’re going to the record store. Maybe swing by the bookstore and see a certain Cute Bookstore Guy.”
My stomach drops. We didn’t discuss being exclusive. ‘Casual’ doesn’t exactly scream ‘exclusive,’ does it? But fuck if I want Eli hooking up with some other guy while we’re hooking up. Can you be casual and exclusive at the same time? Do I even have the right to ask him for that?
I speak before I even know what I’m going to say. “How do you know Elliot wants that?”
Mom and Scout’s heads snap in my direction.
“What do you know about what Eli wants?” Scout asks. “Of course he wants to see Gabe again, he’s hot.”
“Do you think they’ll see each other after Elliot goes back to school?” Mom asks.
They carry on chatting about Eli’s love life like I’m not even there. I bite my tongue before I beg them to stop.
Eventually I leave the room before I say something I can’t take back. I have to be at the rink soon anyway.
I get there a little early and start putting the cones out and making sure the nets are secured.
While I’m out on the ice, I instinctively scoop up a few pucks and do some accuracy shooting, skate around, practice my stick handling.
It feels natural, muscle memory taking over and relaxing into the familiar movements.
I don’t know how long I’ve been out there when Coach calls my name. He’s smiling, his hands in his pockets, watching me. “Looking good out there, Ryan,” he says.
I nod, my body flooding with endorphins at the compliment.
“The kids are showing up now. Thanks for getting everything ready.”
“No problem, Coach.”
We coach the kids through some stick handling, passing drills, and accuracy shooting.
At the end of the lesson, we let them practice checking—within reason.
They’re laughing their asses off and falling all over the place when Coach blows his whistle to signal the end of the lesson.
I want to groan with disappointment right along with them.
After my shower, I check my phone, secretly hoping for a text from Eli. Anything would do. It doesn’t have to be romantic. As soon as I unlock my screen, I see a missed call from my boss instead.
I call it back and get an answer just as I’m about to hang up.
“Connor, my man, how are you?”
I clear my throat before I speak. It’s been a while since I’ve had to put on my sales voice. It makes me cringe the second I hear myself talk. “Gavin, I’m good. How is everything there?”
“Great. We’re missing you, though.”
My mouth gets dry at the thought of going back to California now. I’m not ready. Not when this thing just started up with Elliot and I’m enjoying coaching the kids.
Before I can say anything, Gavin jumps in. “Don’t worry, we’re not rushing you back before you’re ready.” He pauses and I wait for the one liner HR has probably drummed into his head. “Your mental health is important to us, Connor.” They might be capitalists, but they’re West Coast capitalists.
I have to hold in a groan when I reply. “Thank you.”
“So … what have you been doing? You don’t have to tell me?—”
“I’ve been helping coach a junior hockey team and catching up with some friends and family.”
“Great, that’s great! I went to an LA Kings game once with a client, it was … invigorating. ”
I hold in my gag at the Kings mention and make all the right noises of appreciation.
“Who’s your team?” he asks.
“The Islanders have an affiliate team near my hometown, so I grew up watching them.”
“Cool.”
Fuck, this is painful, when is he going to get off the phone?
“Well … just wanted to check in, let you know that we’re here if you need anything. You got those resources Shoshana sent you?”
“Yes, thank you.”
If he’s waiting for me to tell him I used them, he’ll be waiting a long time. I’m all for therapy, but it’s not therapy I need. I need a fucking life transplant or a serious kick up the ass. After some more painful small talk, he finally says goodbye and hangs up the phone.
When Coach finds me, I’m sagged against the wall, breathing a sigh of relief over that awkward phone call being over.
“Everything okay, Ryan?”
I’m about to lie and tell him it’s fine when I see he’s giving me a genuine look of concern. Not pretending to care, like Gavin.
“That was my boss in Palo Alto on the phone.”
Coach nods. He leans against the wall to let me know he’s in no rush.
“I don’t wanna go back to California.”
He nods.
“I was scouted, by a team in the ECHL.” My ears buzz with excitement. When I look over at Coach’s, he’s mirroring it .
“Are you gonna take them up on it? What was the contract?”
“I don’t know yet. It’s in Worcester. I know they’re kind of a rough team, but….”
But what? I’m gonna give up a good salary to play minor league hockey in Worcester?
Coach is just nodding, like of course I am, why wouldn’t I?
I never used to fully understand why you’d fuck up your body and your life just to play, anywhere, for as long as possible.
I thought if it wasn’t the NHL, it wasn’t worth it, but coaching these kids and seeing Coach’s reaction to the Worcester offer has me second guessing.
“I don’t know,” I say again. “Anyway, they want an answer in a couple of weeks.”
Coach slaps me on the shoulder, pushing off from the wall.
“You’ll figure it out. You’re a good player, Ryan. You might start out in the minor leagues, but it doesn’t mean you have to stay there forever.”
It’s a possibility, though. One I’ll have to seriously consider if I do give up my job to play hockey.