13. Elliot
ELLIOT
I ’m zoned out while I flip through the stacks at the record store. Scout’s talking about something beside me, but it must be one of those one-sided conversations where she doesn’t require a response. She doesn’t seem to notice I’m not listening.
“You’re not buying anything?” she asks when we get to the end of the row. She’s loaded up with records and my hands are empty.
“No, I didn’t see anything.”
“I’ll just pay for these.”
I linger by the door while she chats to the girl behind the counter.
Every time she looks at me, I feel guilty and can’t hold her gaze. What I did last night was terrible. It would devastate her if she knew I was hooking up with Connor.
A text comes through from him while I’m waiting, like I summoned him.
Can we do something later ?
“Ready?”
I jump and hide my phone.
“Who are you texting?”
“No one. I was just scrolling.”
She gives me a skeptical look but doesn’t push it. I’m so not good at this sneaking around stuff.
Scout links her arm with mine when we get out onto the street.
“Bookstore?”
Fuck. When I agreed to go on a date with Gabe, I didn’t consider the possibility that I’d never be able to show my face again in my favorite place if it didn’t work out.
“What’s wrong?” Scout asks.
I arrange my expression into something more casual. “Nothing, why?”
“Don’t you want to see Gabe? Have you guys talked since your date?”
“Yeah, just a few friendly texts asking about each other’s day. Nothing flirty or anything.”
“No sexting?”
My face gets hot. “No sexting.”
“You’re no fun. I wanted to know if he’s hiding an anaconda under those corduroys.”
“I wouldn’t tell you even if I had seen it.”
“Why not?”
“You wouldn’t like it if guys you’d slept with went around talking about your … lady parts.”
She gags. “Please don’t ever say ‘lady parts’ again. You’re gay, not eighty.”
I snort.
“Hey, seriously, you okay? You seem quiet. Is everything alright with your dad?”
Usually, I bristle when she asks about my dad. But having Connor in my house without judging me has knocked through a little barrier.
“No, everything’s fine with him. Well, as fine as it can be.”
“So, it’s Gabe, then? Do you like him? Because if you don’t, I’ll stop pushing.”
My hands starts to sweat. “What makes you think I don’t like Gabe?” I ask, my voice getting a little squeaky.
She notices—of course.
“You don’t seem very enthusiastic. And Connor said something this morning that made it seem like I was pushing you, but he’s a dick, so …”
I pull up short. “What did he say?”
She frowns. “He asked me if I was sure this is what you want.”
I need to stop asking her questions about Connor. She’s looking at me with suspicion.
“I would have told him to mind his own business, but I was too busy giving him shit about some bimbo he hooked up with last night.”
I feel the flush, angry and deep, travel up my neck right up to my hair follicles. For a second, I think Scout’s telling me that Connor hooked up with a girl and it makes my stomach turn, then I realize I’m the bimbo she’s talking about.
“How do you know he hooked up with someone?”
“He stayed out all night and came back looking all …” She pulls a face. “Glowy.”
I try so hard to control whatever my face is doing right now, but I’m not sure I’m succeeding.
“Eli, what’s wrong? Please don’t tell me you’re jealous. We’ve been through this?—”
“I’m not jealous. I don’t care. ”
She’s squinting at me now. Mild suspicion is about to turn into full-blown distrust.
“Let’s go and see Gabe,” I blurt.
It works. She relaxes, her face softening into a smile. Phew.
I had hoped today might be Gabe’s day off, but when we enter the bookstore, there he is behind the counter, reading something with his feet up.
He looks up over the pages of the hardback and the second he sees me, his face spreads into a shy smile.
God, I am such a jerk. I literally went on a date with the guy and had sex with someone else last night.
While I haven’t exactly promised to be exclusive with Gabe or Connor, I’m still pretty sure Gabe would be upset if he found out.
“Hey, Gabe,” Scout says. “Anything new?”
“Um.…” He keeps glancing at me while answering Scout’s questions. His admiring glances should feel good, but they just make me feel like shit. I need to have a talk with him, pronto, before I hurt his feelings any more than I probably already have.
Scout smiles. “I’m gonna go and browse.”
I hang back as Scout heads straight for the horror section, still not sure what I’m going to say to him.
Gabe wipes his hands on his jeans. He looks nervous. How can I tell him I’m not really worth it without making it sound like I’m saying, ‘It’s not you, it’s me?’
“So,” we say at the same time.
Gabe laughs, his nerves showing in the way he keeps touching the back of his neck. “I had a good time the other night.”
Fuck. Just say it, tell him you’re not compatible.
I glance over at Scout and catch her watching us with a big, silly grin on her face .
While I try to think of a kind way to let him down, I contemplate whether I’m doing it because I don’t like Gabe or because my stupid brain has latched onto the teenage fantasy of Connor.
Either way, being upfront with Gabe is the right thing to do. He’s a nice guy and he doesn’t deserve to be led on.
“I, um …”
He watches me, waiting. I see the nerves. Can imagine the inner dialogue going on behind his eyes right now, because it’s a dialogue I’ve had with myself so many times.
Please like me, please say you want to go out again, please don’t break up with me already.
I suddenly have more sympathy for the guys who have let me down gently in the past—there have been a few.
Usually it’s, ‘You’re not my type’ or, ‘We’re just not compatible,’ then I see them a week later with someone who’s like me, but not me.
I’m not used to being on the receiving end of this conversation.
Before I can say anything, Gabe jumps in. “Me and a few friends are going to the arcade tonight. I know it’s lame, but we’re gonna go see a band after. It’s just a local band, but they’re supposed to be good. Like an early New Wave sound, sort of like Sonic Youth mixed with Talking Heads.”
“It sounds fun,” I say.
His face lights up.
“Sounds like something Scout would like—” I’m about to add, ‘Maybe we could all go together? You know, as friends,’ when Scout appears.
“What sounds like something I’d like?”
“Gabe’s going to the arcade, then to see a band later. He invited us to come.”
Gabe blinks, looking owlish before recovering. “Oh, sure, yeah, you should come, too. The more the merrier. ”
“Awesome.” She puts her arm around my shoulder. “We’ll be there.”
We leave the bookstore, heading in the direction of our favorite coffee shop. “So, tonight sounds fun,” Scout probes.
“Yeah, should be good. We haven’t been to the arcade in years.”
“Can’t wait to kick your ass on Pacman.”
When we get to the coffee shop, Scout orders her caramel macchiato—diabetes in a cup, as my mom called it—and drums her fingers on the counter while she waits. The barista gives her an annoyed glance and she stops.
“I’m guessing this means you are into Gabe, then?”
I’m sweating. I feel like a married man having an affair. How do those sleazeballs do it? I feel like I need to take a shower.
“Sure.”
We take our drinks over to the comfy chairs in the corner and let them swallow us up. Scout takes a sip of her drink.
“Is it just a summer fling, or do you think you’ll keep in touch when you go back to school?”
A summer fling.
Images of Connor flash through my mind. Connor by the pool, water glistening on his bare chest. Connor above me in bed last night, fucking me. No, not fucking me. I’m not sure what I’d call what he was doing, but it was more than that.
“Hey, what are you thinking about?”
Your brother on top of me.
“Nothing.”
I reply to Connor’s text once I’m back in the car and Scout’s distracted enough by driving and singing along to her playlist to leave me be.
Can’t tonight, going to the arcade with Scout. Sorry.