Chapter 9 Rafael
RAFAEL
One Month Later
THE ROOFTOP GARDEN glowed under strings of warm lights and a cloudless New York night sky. A gentle breeze ruffled the white chasuble I wore for the occasion as I stood under an archway of flowers in front of Lucien and Kai, along with twenty or so of their loved ones.
I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect or beautifully serene night for the two of them as they made their vows and promises of forever.
Every now and then my gaze would catch on Alessio, and every single time I felt the collar at my throat grow tighter.
But Alessio wouldn’t look at me. Those dark eyes remained on his friends or fixed on the skyline, anywhere but me.
He hadn’t made the last monthly confession with the others.
There hadn’t been another drunken late-night visit.
Most days I’d even managed not to glance up at where I now knew he lived, though I couldn’t say I was strong enough to ignore him completely.
As the days passed without his direct presence, I’d felt a sense of relief…
and disappointment. I told myself it was a test and threw myself into prayer and duties.
But Alessio remained, deep in the back of my mind.
When Lucien leaned down suddenly, tipped Kai’s chin up, and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, my focus returned to the couple in front of me.
The out-of-order move elicited a laugh and someone in the audience shouting it wasn’t time for that yet, and I cracked a smile, feeling my steady resolve return.
I blessed the rings they exchanged, and as they walked to the unity candle, my eyes shifted briefly back to Alessio.
He still wasn’t looking my way, but Lachlan, who sat beside him, noticed.
As soon as his eyes met mine, I jerked my attention back to where Lucien and Kai joined me again for final prayers.
How my hands and my voice managed to stay steady was beyond me, as I prayed that they always choose each other again and again, even in the face of fear and hardship.
I’d spoken these words so many times, at so many different ceremonies, but this was the first time they tasted strange on my tongue.
Not because I didn’t believe they’d make it—Lucien was fierce in his devotion to Kai, and Kai’s unwavering trust was beautiful to witness, and there was no doubt in my mind that God had brought them together, something my fellow priests wouldn’t agree on.
They were far more conservative and traditional in their ways than I was, holding tight to the long-held belief that same-sex relationships weren’t what God intended.
I’d never once felt that He looked down on me or Alessio, or anyone who chose to love another human, with anything other than His all-encompassing love.
It never felt wrong to me, and that was a belief held by several other, more progressive leaders in the church.
Things wouldn’t change anytime soon, but maybe… one day.
“Lucien and Kai, in the sight of God and these witnesses, I now pronounce you husbands,” I said, their smiles lighting up the night and making my own lips curve.
Lucien’s hands went to Kai’s face as he stared lovingly down at him and whispered something I couldn’t hear before kissing him again, a lingering, deep embrace that continued even as their loved ones stood and began to clap and whistle their approval.
As happy as I was for them, I felt my own heart clench, and then my body betrayed me, my eyes searching out Alessio once again.
But just like every other time tonight, he wasn’t looking back at me.
THE RECEPTION WAS as low-key as the ceremony, just the way the two grooms had wanted it. Soft music played in the background and conversation flowed between guests, all the laughter and ease that came from such an intimate group.
I’d already tried to leave once, but Kai had stopped me, asking me to stay with those puppy-dog eyes, and again I couldn’t say no. I’d been seated at the table on the opposite end to Alessio, and I wondered if that was at his request.
Of course it was, I didn’t kid myself over that fact, but how could he bare his soul and then pretend it had never happened? Didn’t he know how deeply his words had been seared into my very marrow? Was it all a lie? Was it regret? Embarrassment?
“That was a good thing you did tonight, father,” Shep said from where he sat to my right beside his husband, Theo.
Both were fellow Kings of Alessio’s, both whose secrets I would take to my grave—and there were many.
Things that would shock the world if they knew what the former U.S.
president’s son and the Prince of Monaco got up to when they weren’t in the public eye.
“Sorry?” I said, pouring another glass of sparkling water into my wine glass.
“Doing this ceremony for them. I’m guessing the others at St. Andrews aren’t aware you’re here?”
I shook my head. Shep was always too perceptive for his own good. “It’s a bit of a sticking point, unfortunately.”
“That’s a shame. But I know Lucien and Kai are really glad you’re here. We all are.”
Except Alessio, I thought, but didn’t dare voice out loud. I automatically looked to where he sat, only to find the chair empty. Quickly scanning the gardens, I caught sight of him slipping behind a row of tall hedges alone and felt the insane urge to go to him.
Only Shep was looking at me, waiting for my response, and I forced a small smile. “I’m happy to be here too,” I said, bringing the linen napkin in my lap up to my lips. “Excuse me for a moment.”
“Of course.”
No one was looking my way as I stood up and headed in the direction of the restrooms—which also happened to be near the hedges where Alessio had disappeared.
It was the last thing I should do, I knew that, but before I could talk myself out of it, I’d slipped behind the tall greenery and immediately spotted him.
At the far end of the narrow walkway, Alessio stood by the railing in a shadowed corner after quietly removing himself from the festivities.
It wasn’t so different from when we were boys. While he’d always been the outgoing one of the two of us, he’d always liked to have a quiet space of his own to retreat into—and it seemed now was no different.
I moved closer toward him, wondering if I should announce myself, but as if he could sense me standing there, Alessio turned to look over his shoulder.
The second our eyes locked, my feet froze and my breath caught around the lump that had formed in the back of my throat, and it wasn’t until he looked away that I could breathe again.
Go back to the reception, I told myself as I stared at his back, his message loud and clear. He doesn’t want you here.
I stood there waiting for him to turn back around and acknowledge me in some way. But he remained steady and silent in his dismissal of me, and that had me practically screaming inside.
I was about to turn around and head back to the rest of the group when I saw his shoulders shift from his indrawn breath. “Go home, Rafael.”
His request was soft, but the words firm, and while I knew I should honor them, I couldn’t bring my feet to move, even as my chest tightened. “Alessio—”
“I said,” he cut me off, and turned his face to the side so I could hear him clearly, “go home.”
“I tried. Kai wouldn’t let me.”
He let out a low curse and turned to look out at the buildings surrounding us. “Then go away from me.”
The words were designed to hurt. To be a stab in the heart. And while they hit their target with unerring accuracy, they didn’t quite ring true.
“For someone who doesn’t want to be around me,” I said, slowly making my way toward him, “you sure have a funny way of showing it.”
“Really?” His lips crooked into a slight sneer. “Haven’t had any trouble this month.”
“Yes,” I replied, coming to a stop beside him. “That’s true. Why weren’t you at confession this past week?”
Alessio’s eyebrow winged up under the curtain of his hair, and I couldn’t help but admire the glossy shine to it. Again, I found myself wanting to touch it. Instead, I folded my hands in front of myself.
Out of the way.
Away from temptation.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was talking to my priest.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Who did you think you were talking to, then?”
Alessio scoffed. “You’re a real piece of fucking work, you know that?”
If he thought his cursing would shock me and send me running, he needed to think again. Listening to his brothers’ confessions over the years had accustomed me to the colorful language he was employing now. “And what do you mean by that?”
“Agreeing to marry them,” he spat out with much more animosity than I’d expected. “You could’ve said no.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Oh, I don’t know, because your God thinks it’s a sin.”
“My God?” I paused and waited for him to look at me, and when he did I could see the turmoil in his eyes. The hurt and anger swirling behind the fire. “You’re not Catholic anymore?”
“Who cares what I am?” he said, and shook his head. “This isn’t about me.”
“No, it’s not. It’s about Kai and Lucien. They asked me and I said yes.”
“Because you’re all for gay weddings, right? Gay anything? Tell me, father, did you send up a quick prayer for them when they kissed? Or were you busy sending up a quick prayer for yourself, since the man you used to kiss was sitting in the crowd?”
“Stop it, Alessio.”
If I thought that would somehow remind him of where he was and what he was saying, I was dead wrong. Instead, he took a step closer to me, so close our toes almost touched. “Or what?”
He was trying to get a rise out of me, trying to push my buttons. But I wasn’t about to be drawn into an argument with him at his friends’ wedding. We needed to talk, needed to have this conversation, but this wasn’t the time or the place.
“I’m not in the habit of making threats,” I told him, taking a step back and putting some much-needed space between us. “But I would like to try to work things out with you.”
“Work things out? Like, as in therapy? Because that’s usually reserved for couples. I’m fine with just ignoring you.”
“Well, I’m not,” I said with a little more force than even I was expecting. “You asked me once how I forgot about you, forgot about us, and the truth is, I never did. Never. But you are making it next to impossible to talk to you about that.”
I let out a sigh and turned to face the railing, bracing my hands on them.
“Every time I try, you leave—”
“You sent me away.”
“—or get angry. I just…” I tried to think of all the things I wanted to say, the words I’d practiced when I was alone in case a moment like this ever came up.
But now that I was standing here, face to face with him and the opportunity was right there, all I managed was, “Can’t we bury this animosity between us and try to be friends? ”
And that was the exact wrong thing to say.