Chapter 10 Alessio
ALESSIO
FRIENDS? HAD HE really just asked if we could be friends?
The word was like a slap in the face, and I stared at Rafael, waiting for him to realize his fuck-up.
But he only stood there in his priestly garb looking holier than thou, the look on his face so earnest and sincere, like he truly believed we could just go back to the way things used to be.
“Friends,” I repeated slowly, letting the word roll around on my tongue. “After everything we’ve been through, everything I’ve confessed to you. Friends.”
“Yes. Can we at least try?”
A sharp laugh escaped me before I could stop it, because holy shit. He was actually serious.
I pushed away from the rail, turning my back on him. It was either that or kill him, because kissing him was out of the question.
Taking in a deep breath, I looked out over the city only for my eyes to land on a cathedral directly opposite the rooftop. Fuck, even the view was mocking me, and I slammed my eyes shut.
“You know the answer,” I said, my voice coming out with a bitter edge I couldn’t hide if I wanted to.
“You could choose differently.”
My eyes flew open and I turned around, pinning him with a fulminating stare. “I could choose? You really wanna go there?”
Rafael shook his head, and it pissed me off to no end how unaffected he seemed by all of this. The way he just stood there so…so…priestly. “Alessio,” he said, and damn if my name on his lips didn’t send a dagger straight through my chest, “you brought me back into your life—”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? You trusted me with your brothers, but you won’t have anything to do with me.”
I opened my mouth to refute that, but he was right. He was back in my life by my choice. Because I hadn’t been able to stay away, because I knew my brothers needed something to relieve the heavy weight our decisions and actions carried. Because I trusted Rafael, even though I hated him.
No, I thought, swallowing hard. I didn’t hate him, even though I wanted to. It would make things so much easier if I could.
“I poured myself out to you, Rafael.” My jaw clenched tight at the memory I wished alcohol could’ve made me forget. “I bled on the fucking floor for you in that confessional, so when you ask stupid shit like why, it makes me wonder how you could forget so easily.”
“I told you already, I didn’t forget,” he said so quietly I almost missed it over the sound of laughter and music filtering in from the other side of the roof.
“I thought priests weren’t allowed to lie.” I shook my head and dragged my fingers roughly through my hair, a move that had Rafael’s eyes locking in on my hand.
Probably judging the way I’d let my hair grow out. I’d kept it on the short side back then, though not as close-cropped as he wore his now, and maybe it had been partly a fuck-you at first. A way to separate myself from my strict upbringing.
Yet another distinction that set the two of us apart.
Rafael stayed quiet, silently watching as I shoved my hair behind my ear and I scoffed.
“Say it.”
My words seem to jolt him out of his thoughts. “Say what?”
“That you don’t approve.” God, I wished I still smoked. Surely Theo had a kretek I could steal.
“Approve of…?”
I spread my hands wide. “My hair. Me. My fuckin’ mouth. The things my brothers and I do that you pretend not to know anything about.”
“That’s not for me to judge.” He said those words like they were true, and he stood so goddamn still. Like nothing I said affected him in any physical way.
It was beyond infuriating, and I found myself wanting to poke, wanting to get some kind of reaction. Any reaction.
“How did it feel tonight, huh?” I said. “When you stood up there and blessed something your church hates? Something you denied us?”
Rafael’s jaw twitched. “I didn’t deny us. I made a choice.”
“A sacrifice, you mean.”
“I did what I needed to,” he said, his voice more firm and controlled. “I did what I believed was right.”
“For who?” I demanded. “Because it sure as hell wasn’t for me.”
A burst of cheers and laughter came from somewhere behind us, so at odds with what was happening here that I felt like I was losing my mind.
“You have no idea what you do to me,” I said, not needing any tequila this time. “How much you fuck with my head. I wake up every day knowing I can’t have you—knowing I never will—and then I get to watch everyone else get the love that they want like it’s easy.”
Rafael’s lips parted, and I finally saw a flicker of emotion on that beautiful, perfect face.
I gestured in the direction of my friends, grateful they couldn’t see me making a fool of myself. “This is all bullshit. You keep showing up in my life just enough to keep me unsteady. Just enough to keep me hoping.”
“I never asked you to hope.”
“No,” I said. “You just let me. You want to be friends and sit across from me and pretend nothing ever happened. That you didn’t ever want me too.”
His eyes darkened. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what? Tell the truth?”
“I’m still human,” he said, his voice low. “And I’m still trying to live with myself.”
“Well, congratulations. So the fuck am I.”
“You think this has been so easy for me?” He shook his head.
“That I just made a decision and walked off into the sunset? Leaving you was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made in my life.
It was one I struggled with daily through seminary school, and the nights?
They were the worst. But I prayed on it—”
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “I’m sure you fuckin’ did.”
“—and asked for guidance. I begged for some sign that I’d done right by me and you for years. And you know what happened?”
Rafael took a step closer to me, and it took every ounce of control I had not to jump back.
“You showed up at my church,” he said, his eyes searching my face. “You showed up looking for direction, confession, and peace. You came looking for me and I was there for you.”
“I came looking for you because of my brothers.” I angled my chin up, not about to admit that when the shit had hit the fan all those years ago, Rafael’s face was the one I’d wanted to see. The one I knew would calm me. “I came to you because I knew you could help them.”
“That was the sign, don’t you see?” His smile was so genuine it seemed to light him up from inside, and damn if I didn’t hate God for that. Rafael really believed what he was saying. “My decision was the right one.”
I refused to believe that. He could’ve been there for me as a partner, lover, my forever. He was delusional if he thought the only choice had been priesthood.
“By the way, I like your hair.” The words were so quietly spoken that I thought I’d misheard him. “I know you think I disapprove of it, but I don’t. I think it suits you.”
The air between us changed then, becoming something more charged and dangerous.
Was he kidding with this shit? What did he expect me to say to that? Thanks, I like your white robes? You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, and I would sell my soul to feel your lips against mine again?
Actually, I could say all of that, or…
Fuck it. I had nothing else to lose.
I grabbed hold of the pristine robe draped around his shoulders and pulled him in a step until our toes touched, and before he could reprimand me—or shove me away—I captured Rafael’s mouth with mine.
The second our lips met, it felt like a bolt of lightning struck me, the electricity crackling through me and leaving a burning path along my veins. I’d expected to be thrust away, shouted at, condemned to hell and back, but instead, God was striking me down where I stood.
Oh well, if I was going to die, it might as well be from kissing the most beautiful man in the world.
I curled my fingers around the soft robe, the gold embroidery silky under my hand. Any minute now he was going to tear his mouth from mine and storm away, I knew that, and so did the adrenaline rushing through me, urging me to take what I could before I was denied forever.
I slipped my tongue out and teased Rafael’s lower lip, begging for entry—begging for anything at this stage, really.
Who was the delusional one now?
He was a priest, for fuck’s sake. A man of the cloth. Cloth I was currently crushing in my fist and wishing I could rip off this holy man.
What was the matter with me? When was I going to learn? This wasn’t going to end the way I wanted it to, so why was I hellbent on punishing myself this way?
I was just about to give up on the whole humiliating move, admit defeat to the Almighty, when Rafael’s lips parted and his hand moved over the top of mine.
Wait…
That was when I heard it, the low moan echoing in my ears, a sound as familiar as it was new. Then Rafael intertwined his fingers with mine, and before he could change his mind, I slid my tongue between his lips and took my first real taste of him.
It was like coming home.
Sweet, seductive, and totally sinful.
He tasted exactly as I remembered, like sunshine and innocence, as I dipped my tongue inside for the first time in too many years.
I’d always loved kissing Rafael—he was kind of shy at first, tentative, and now was no different. But once that control snapped, he’d been right there with me. Desperate, greedy, and eager. Two boys who’d never been able to get enough.
Now here we were, two men, desperate and aware that this would never be enough.
As that thought slammed into me, I ripped my mouth free, stumbling back and trying to catch my breath, as I stared at the gorgeous man standing across from me with swollen lips and eyes the color of a stormy night.
This man I knew—Rafael Vitale.
But as my gaze shifted down to the rumpled white robe, embroidered with gold, I remembered that that man no longer existed.
Father Vitale had taken his place.
I licked my lips and brushed a hand over my disappointed hard-on, hoping on some fucked-up level he’d look. But of course he didn’t. He wouldn’t dare. I’d already corrupted his godly morals. He wouldn’t compound his sin by checking me out.
Instead, he stood motionless, the only sign he was still alive the deep swallow he took.
Fuck this. I was done. Done with spilling my guts. Done with exposing my most vulnerable thoughts and feelings, only to have him stand there and say nothing in return.
So before he could even try, I moved to step around him. “Well, I’ve never kissed a priest before. Guess now I have something to confess this month. Enjoy the rest of the reception, father.”