Chapter 13 Rafael
RAFAEL
IT USED TO be simple. Once a month Alessio would appear with his brothers, a fixed date on my calendar that I could prepare for.
Even when he never said a word, even when he would rarely look my way, he was still there, in my space.
It wasn’t ever easy, but I’d learned to endure it, because the alternative was not having him in my life at all, and experiencing that had only shown me it was a far worse path.
Choosing priesthood didn’t automatically turn off all the years spent by Alessio’s side.
There were days and even months early on in university and then seminary that I wished I could flip the switch, because the pain was almost unbearable.
So I prayed. The same as I did leading up to Alessio’s confessional visits. Any ache I felt was filed away in the box in which I kept all the things from my previous life that didn’t fit into my life now.
But lately there had been no structure. There had been weddings and charity events, and out-of-the-blue drunken confessions…and a kiss that had shattered the careful distance we’d kept between us.
Seeing him with Marco, a teenager that reminded me so much of the rebellious Alessio I’d once known, had stirred up memories of the boy I loved.
The way he used his sarcasm to connect and break down defenses.
The way he listened, really listened, and made anyone he was with feel like their words mattered.
That they mattered. Memories flashed one after the other, so many moments that had shaped who I was before tragedy struck.
Back then, there’d been so much laughter. Late nights sneaking out of our houses to see each other. Trips to Coney Island or into the city. A relaxed ease of being with my best friend, followed by the rush of butterflies when I realized it was something more.
Alessio’s mouth…the one that never hesitated to take something he wanted.
Well, that hadn’t changed, had it?
Only when we were young, kissing him back hadn’t broken any vows.
By the time I reached my rectory after the community event, my hands were shaking.
I’d told myself I could manage this, had pleaded with and made promises to God that my slip wouldn’t happen again.
I could love Alessio as a friend and be there for him, nothing more.
He would move on eventually as long as I made it clear where I stood, and that was firmly on the other side of the confessional—not in his arms.
I paced the length of my room and whispered prayers, but it felt like, once again, God wasn’t hearing me.
Lately it’d been a struggle to get an answer from Him at all, but I would keep the faith.
God’s timing was perfect, and my impatience to settle the unease within me was only human because I was only human.
It made me feel weak to know I could succumb to temptation so easily.
I ran my hand over my jaw as I reached the lone window in the rectory and paused.
Alessio’s place looked out over mine. That had to be a coincidence…didn’t it?
Reaching for the curtain to open it, I noticed my fingers still trembling and pulled my hand back.
No. I needed to find balance and solid ground again. And the only way I knew how to do that was to end this, once and for all.
ALESSIO’S BUILDING WASN’T as extravagant as the ones I knew some of the other Kings enjoyed, but it was light-years beyond what we’d known as kids—a whispered sort of luxury in a secure building that was so quiet you’d never know Manhattan’s noisy streets were on the other side of the wall.
I’d been let up to his floor after checking in with security, half of me surprised at that, since I could’ve easily been turned away.
My heart pounded as I stepped off the elevator and walked down the hall to the apartment number they’d given me. With every step I took, I felt the heavy weight of my decision bearing down on my shoulders, and it had sweat beading my brow.
I stopped in front of his door and swallowed hard. This was it. I was about to cut ties with the man I never thought I’d truly lose, but there could be no other way. He needed to live his life without the hope he said I gave to him from being there, and my duties and vows came first.
Closing my eyes, I said a silent prayer, and when I opened them again, I raised my hand to knock—
The door swung open.
Alessio stood there barefoot in jeans and a white t-shirt, the jacket he’d worn earlier already gone and his long, dark hair loose and wild, like he’d been running his hands through it too many times.
There was a wary look in his eyes, and it matched his voice when he said, “What are you doing here?”
The bite of anger wasn’t there like it was at the community center, and it threw me off balance. I’d expected him to be immediately on the defensive when I showed up here. Instead he seemed…vulnerable, somehow.
Do what you came here to do.
I took in a deep breath. “I told you we need to talk.”
“How did you find me?”
“Lucien told me to look up.”
Alessio startled, clearly having not expected his own brother to give him away. I caught a flush of red creep up his neck as he stepped aside, letting me in.
For some reason it hadn’t occurred to me until now that I would be willingly walking into a place where I was surrounded by everything that made Alessio him—but as I walked inside, I found that wasn’t the case at all.
His space was beautiful and large, sure, but more minimalist than I would’ve expected.
Sleek lines, not much on the walls at all, and only tech gadgets to keep him company.
His old bedroom had been filled with similar gadgets, but it had been warm, lived in, posters and artwork littering all four walls.
Fun and comfortable, same as the man himself.
Clearly things had changed.
Alessio cleared his throat and I turned around, and the second our eyes connected, I felt the charge between us. It was even stronger now, without the confinement of church walls or other people around.
Maybe this had been a mistake.
“What are you doing here, Rafael?”
Okay, he wanted to get right to it. I could understand that. The tension in the air was thick enough without dragging this out. But how did I tell the one person I needed in my life to survive that he could no longer be a part of it?
Again.
“I think we need to clear the air about—”
“The kiss?” His words were quiet, but there was an underlying determination there. Alessio wasn’t going to let me out of this conversation without admitting my transgression.
“Yes.” I swallowed, and steeled myself for the hurt I knew I was about to cause. “It was a mistake, Alessio.”
The silence that descended on the room was like a dark cloud moving in to smother out any and all light, and as I stood there waiting for his response, I felt like a fraud.
The last thing I’d ever brought to this man’s life was light. More like suffering and despair. I needed to let him go. Needed to free him.
I would take this burden on. I would hurt for the both of us.
“Alessio? Did you—”
“You’ve got some nerve,” he finally said, his somber eyes finding mine across the sparse space. “To come here, to my place, my sanctuary, and try to absolve yourself.”
“That’s not what I’m trying to do.”
“Isn’t it?” He cocked his head. “Seems like it to me. In fact, this feels awfully familiar in all the ways.”
He started across the room, careful, quiet steps that made my heart pound louder with each footfall.
“Your decision. Your timetable. Your choice.”
“That’s not it at all,” I said as he continued forward, his jaw clenched as tight as the fists by his sides. “We couldn’t talk at the charity event—”
“And what about the rest of the week?”
I opened my mouth to respond, but he was so close now that I found myself losing my train of thought. Instead, I was laser focused on his long hair and the way it had felt brushing against my cheek when he’d kissed—
“I needed time.”
“Time to tell me I was a mistake?” Alessio scoffed. “Trust me, I’ve known that for years. You don’t need to tell me. Imagine that for a minute, Rafael, knowing that you’re the one thing the person you loved the most regrets.”
“I don’t need to imagine it,” I whispered, and before I knew I was going to do it, I reached for him, tentative fingers to his stubbled cheek. “I see it in your eyes every time you look at me.”
Alessio’s nostrils flared at my touch as our eyes locked and held.
Walk away, I told myself as the heat of his skin sent a frisson of warmth through my hand, up my arm, and straight to my chest. Walk away before you make this worse for the both of you.
“Alessio,” I said in a voice I barely recognized, “this can’t…it can’t continue. You have to see that. We can’t keep pretending this, us, didn’t happen—”
“I’m not pretending,” he said. “You’re the one trying to erase it…me.”
“No.” I dropped my hand. “I don’t want to erase you, but…I can’t keep doing this, either.”
“This.” Alessio’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “You mean showing up to my place at night, alone? Because correct me if I’m wrong, but this is the first time you’ve ever done that, and I didn’t ask you to.”
“I know, but I needed—”
“What?” Alessio demanded, walking forward until I was forced to back up and hit the wall. “What did you need, Rafael?”
My pulse raced as I stared into the face I knew almost as well as my own, and wondered how I ever thought I’d be able to send him away. How I’d ever survive in the world knowing I’d never see such perfection again.
The answer was as clear as it was brutal.
I wouldn’t survive. Couldn’t.
But when Alessio put a hand on the wall by my head and leaned forward, I also knew I wouldn’t survive this.
“Alessio…” My chest heaved as he shifted in closer. “We can’t do this.”
His lips curved into a wickedly seductive smile, and I knew right then that every single reason I’d told myself for coming here was a lie.
It was an alarming realization.
But an honest one.
“You forget, father,” he said by my ear, “I’m the one who knows all your secrets, and right now you’re lying to both of us. We can definitely do this. The question is, are you really going to turn around and walk out that door when we both know you want to stay?”