Chapter 22
CHAPTER 22
F our years later
Mallory
“I cannot believe what you managed to do with your dad’s place.” Hank was beaming from the moment I’d walked up to the counter.
I wondered how long I’d need to live in the house before it became my house. There wasn’t a single person in Stowe who didn’t refer to it as my dad’s house. “Well, it only took me four years to make all the repairs.”
Four years of scrimping, saving, hiring the worst contractors in the world, facing setbacks, higher costs, and delayed shipments. But I’d finally created something I was terribly proud of.
“You did have your hands full.” His eyes were twinkling as he leaned over the counter, presenting Brady with his favorite hard candy pole in spearmint. “How are you doing today, little man?”
Brady giggled and looked up at me, his bright green eyes begging me to say yes. I tried to keep his candy consumption to a minimum, but he had about a hundred aunts and uncles in town, as they liked to call themselves. It was a product of living in a small town, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
“You can have some of it,” I told him as I bent down, raking my fingers through his hair. “You need a haircut, bud.” I laughed. He was starting to look like a girl.
“Nah. He looks wonderful.” Hank presented the unwrapped candy with a huge smile on his face. “Just the one package of screws today?”
“That’s it. I’m hoping soon I can hold off purchasing anything from you for a little while. Not that I don’t love seeing you, Hank.”
He laughed. “No offense taken, Mal. I’m just glad to see you smiling these days.”
How could I not smile? My practice was doing great. I’d been forced to hire a second veterinarian my first year, two more and additional technicians shortly after that. Now I was in discussions with the bank for a loan to add onto the building. Stowe had increased in popularity significantly over the last few years and with new blood came new pets.
These were the best years of my life. Including with my little man. Brady rocked my world. Literally.
Brady was as happy as could be, zooming around the store within seconds. Sampson tried to follow him, but I held onto his leash. The last thing I needed was for my pup to go wandering the streets. This was my only day off for a couple of weeks and I had plans on enjoying finishing a book I’d been trying to read for the last six months.
If the little man would enjoy the new movie I’d purchased for him. I never knew what his mood would be.
A strange sense of sadness and déjà vu hit me. I’d almost overcome the horrible nightmares, constantly thinking I’d seen Beckett in the window or across a parking lot. How many times had I made a fool of myself for chasing after a shadow?
Enough that I’d finally done what I could to exorcise the man from my mind.
And my heart.
Unfortunately, the tiniest things could still set me off.
“Of course I’m smiling, Hank. Why shouldn’t I be?”
He knew me too well. “Be good to yourself, Mal. Heartache takes time.”
“So I keep hearing.” What I’d endured had been the talk of the town for almost a year. People had acted like I’d died on that mountain instead of traipsing almost a mile through the ice and snow. But I’d made it.
Because of Beckett’s sacrifice.
Sighing, I grabbed my card, sliding it back into my wallet. I loathed when the townspeople gave me that look. It was the one that expressed their concern I might go over the edge, losing my shit. I was much stronger than that.
That didn’t mean I hadn’t lost it several times when I was all alone. Well, almost all alone. I’d had Jax for a couple of months. Then he’d run away and I’d felt empty inside, so much so that I hadn’t eaten for a couple of weeks, sick as a dog.
I couldn’t go down that road again. I just couldn’t. I’d worked long and hard to bring myself up by my bootstraps. I was even dating, although I wasn’t certain using a dating app was in my best interest. There were some real duds out there. Or maybe I was just too picky. I needed to be. It wasn’t just about my life. I had a son to consider.
“Well, I’m just happy you are.”
“Thanks, Hank. When are you going to retire?” I shoved the small bag into my purse, noticing Sampson was pulling on his leash, something he rarely did unless he was excited to see a friend.
“Me? Never. This place keeps me young.” He grinned and patted his hands on his puffed-out chest.
“Uh-huh. The real ladies’ man, I see. Just take care of yourself.”
I groaned when I noticed Brady was already making a mess of the candy. He could do that within a split second of tasting any sweet treat. I had no clue how he managed the art.
“Come on, Brady. Let’s get home. Maybe Mama Fairy has a little surprise.”
He threw his head back, his grin creating a deep ache. As I’d tried to do from the beginning, I shoved the anguish aside. I couldn’t relive the past or change the outcome.
“See you later.” Hank waved and I moved toward the exit, reminding myself I needed to purchase another case of wet wipes when I went to Costco next. We went through them quickly.
The bell on the top of the door jingled as we walked out and Sampson jerked me forward, almost ripping off my arm.
“Sampson. Whoa, dude.”
Brady suddenly gasped.
“Mommy. Wook! It’s a dog just wike ours.”
I noticed Brady had his arm outstretched, pointing toward something at his eye level.
Sampson barked, but only one time. I lifted my head slowly, first noticing Brady was right. The dog was exactly like Sampson, a white German Shepherd.
No. It wasn’t possible. All the air was sucked from my lungs the moment the unknown dog whined.
My blood ran cold as my gaze hit a pair of muscular, long legs in jeans. I suddenly couldn’t breathe, my pulse skyrocketing. I lifted my gaze further as the dog slipped from his owner’s hand, lunging toward me.
Tears immediately flooded my eyes and all I could do was whisper his name.
“Jax.” He licked my face as Brady giggled. I tilted my head toward the mountainous man standing in front of me, staring into the most intense pair of deep green eyes I’d ever seen.
Not true.
That I hadn’t seen in four horrible, guilt-ridden years. Beckett.
“See, Mommy. See?”
The deep eyes stared back at me, Beckett’s expression unreadable. But as I’d done with Jax, he slowly shifted his gaze to the little boy standing beside me.
The little boy who had his father’s eyes.
A sob rushed up from my throat. I had no idea what to say or if there was anything that could be said.
But I remembered.
Not like the experience had been years before. The memories were fresh and alive, as if they’d occurred just last month. Or maybe yesterday.
The memories were raw and biting just like they’d been during the first few months. Images and thoughts had paraded through my mind in an endless loop, repeating.
Endlessly.
No sleep.
No food.
Just anger.
They’d almost consumed my life and they were already threatening to do so again.
Beckett looked different, the four years creating more lines in his rugged face, his hair two shades darker, but there was no doubt the man standing in front of me was the man I’d started falling in love with and had lost on that mountain. There’d been a body, but it had been unidentifiable given the horrific, fiery crash. Or maybe the coroner hadn’t tried hard enough to ID the victim. I hadn’t pushed the issue, giving the identification based on a piece of clothing that hadn’t burned up in the flames.
I was close to hyperventilating. This was too much. Too uncontrollable. I couldn’t handle it. Both Jax and Sampson were nuzzling my legs and I knew at that moment I was about to lose it.
“Jax. Heel.” Jax obeyed his master, but not without whining just once, giving me a longing look. The dog had protected me. He’d helped me survive. He’d allowed me to throw my arms around his neck and cry myself to sleep night after night for three solid months. He’d been there when the police had found a crossbow, asking if I wanted it. He’d been there when I’d kept it inside, staring at it for two weeks before locking it away in the barn.
The bond was still there, but this wasn’t my life. This wasn’t anything. I just…
I had to stay strong for Brady.
Very slowly the man I’d believed dead locked eyes with my son. He was seeing his own eyes in the little boy.
Beckett always knew what I was thinking or feeling. Today was no different. He nodded to Brady before snapping his gaze in my direction once again. Then he just turned away, walking down the sidewalk as if we didn’t have a history.
As if we didn’t know each other.
As if I hadn’t birthed his own flesh and blood.
I watched him head to a brand new Dodge Ram, opening the driver’s door and allowing Jax to jump inside. The entire moment was unreal. This wasn’t really happening.
My legs wouldn’t move. I was aware Brady was jabbering on while Sampson was pulling on his leash, but all sound was sucked into a vacuum. Wait a minute. Beckett wasn’t going to acknowledge we knew each other?
Before climbing in, he turned his head, once again staring at me just like he’d done moments before he’d sent me away. Moments before he’d done everything in his power to save my life at a loss to his.
But here he was in person, back in Stowe. When he climbed in, I forced myself to look away, shutting down the tears already forming in my eyes.
“Mama. Did you see? Did you see de puppy?”
“I did, baby. He looked just like Sampson. Huh?” I could barely keep the sobbing sound from my voice and didn’t feel my feet as I headed to my truck, a gift I’d given myself after Brady had been born.
Somehow, I managed to get him strapped into the car seat and Sampson harnessed next to him without feeling my fingers. I was shaking like a leaf, certain I’d just lost the last portion of my mind.
I’d seen a ghost. That had to be it.
I’d almost convinced myself that was the case until my sweet little boy brought it all back to reality. Thankfully, I’d thought to take the candy away from my little man or he would have consumed the entire stick. Maybe I’d suck on it on the way home. Thank God I didn’t have a bottle of wine in the truck, or I’d suck that down as well.
“Who was dat man, Mommy? He wooked mean.”
I finished fastening my seatbelt, closing my eyes briefly and leaning my head against the headrest. “I don’t know, baby. Just a nice man with a beautiful dog.”
Sampson woofed and at least I could laugh. I’d searched long and hard for Jax after he’d disappeared in hopes of finding him. He hadn’t appeared in any of the local shelters and there’d been no sighting of him. Now I knew why.
In that time, I’d been called to a kill shelter located in another state, the folks certain they had my dog. Sampson had been a surrender, his backstory a horrible one. He’d been on the euthanasia list, redlined for that afternoon. I’d almost screamed at the people, adopting him on the spot. For all the terrible things the boy had been through, he’d been nothing but the sweetest, most loving and protective dog I’d ever met.
With the exception of Jax.
I started the engine and immediately reached for my phone.
Marjorie answered on the second ring. “Hey, girlfriend. Haven’t heard from you in a few days.”
We’d talked that morning. She loved teasing me. “I need a favor.”
“O-kay. You don’t sound good. What’s going on?”
“I need wine. Lots of wine. And an extra pair of eyes with Brady. Can you come over?”
“Whoa, girl. What is going on?”
“I… don’t exactly know.” I pulled out, immediately checking my rearview mirror for any sign of him. I hadn’t paid any attention to which direction his truck had gone. Maybe I hadn’t wanted to know.
I hadn’t been back on the mountain since the incident. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to relive the couple of days that had honestly seemed more like a beautiful yet strange lifetime. I’d been happy staying in his cabin and I’d often asked myself how that was even possible.
“You’re scaring me. You sound like you saw a ghost.”
My laugh was bitter. “Something like that. Can you bring wine?”
“I’ll bring a feast. It sounds like you need it.”
“Are you fucking serious?” Jenny asked. Somehow, she’d been dragged from a potential love interest to come and see what the nutty girl needed.
I’d waited until Brady was happily napping and I had a tall glass of wine in front of me to admit what had happened earlier. I glanced down at the crossbow. I’d locked the gun away in a safe the day Brady had been born. Somehow, I needed the crossbow by my side as a reminder that I wasn’t crazy.
At least not completely.
The repetition of memories had continued. Less than one week had turned into four long years. Over fourteen hundred and sixty days of experiencing at least a few moments a day of a miserable ache.
“I wish I was.” And in truth, at that point I did. Seeing him in person again wasn’t on my calendar. After all, we had a son. Together. His son. Oh, God. I dropped my head into my hand, the fingers of my other firmly planted around the wineglass. I was still sick inside, the lump in my stomach growing by the minute.
“Does he know Brady is his… son?” Marjorie asked as if Beckett’s DNA was bad.
“They have the exact same eyes, but neither one of us really said anything.” I hated to admit I’d been such a chicken shit, but what should I have said to the man? Where the hell have you been?
Why did you make me think you were dead?
How could you just leave without letting me know you were okay?
I was angry and heartbroken, anxious and excited at the same time.
There was utter silence and it forced me to peek at them. They were both in the same level of shock I’d been in all day. I’d gotten home, fed the little man lunch, had hooked him up with a movie, and paced the floor. When he’d gone down for a nap, I’d headed to the barn, bringing the crossbow inside. I don’t know why it had felt so important. Maybe because it had been a grounding maneuver. After that, I’d processed everything that had occurred that night, including when he’d sent me off to walk home.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, a tiny part of me had felt as if the horrific wreck had been a ploy, but after so much time had passed, I’d leaned more toward that he’d decided that night was a good night to die.
I’d heard the explosions and had raced back to the scene, horrified at what I’d found. I’d also noticed a strange car following me for almost a week before disappearing. I’d never seen them again. My gut had told me they were ensuring that Beckett was really dead. Well, he was. His body was charred, lying in the morgue. What little ashes there’d been I’d scattered in the river.
There was no one I could call. I didn’t know the man. He’d arranged for payment in case of his untimely death, but the funeral director had gotten my name. There was someone working with him, but he had remained determined to keep his identity private.
I’d tried to find the guy, but every avenue I’d turned I’d faced a dead end.
“What are you going to do?” Jenny asked.
“I have no clue. Maybe he’s just passing through town. I don’t know.” I sucked down half the glass of wine, immediately reaching for the bottle. Thank God, they’d brought snacks, or I wouldn’t be a fit mother within two hours.
Marjorie glanced at Jenny again. “I’m going to make a phone call. Okay?”
“Sure. Whatever.” At this point, I didn’t care. I was running on empty, no longer able to focus on anything.
I loved my house. I adored my life. I didn’t need any interference. I didn’t need any additional heartache.
I had no capacity to live through what I had before. Only my besties knew what had occurred, but only some details. The townsfolk had manufactured their own stories that I hadn’t confirmed or denied. The press had contacted me, but I’d managed to shove them off. Only those closest to me had figured out how distraught I’d been.
At this point I couldn’t even remember what I’d told my best friends. Everything was a blur. I would be stuck telling lies for the rest of my life. How could I mention the man I’d fallen hard for had been a grade-A killer, a criminal working for a notorious mafia organization?
I’d done my best to stay away from attempting to find anything else about Beckett or the people he’d worked for. But my curiosity had kicked my ass about six months in. What little I’d learned about the Valenti family had confirmed what Beckett had told me. They were dangerous. But most of them had died in a horrific house explosion a year before I’d met Beckett.
He’d saved a woman and her son and destroyed all those who’d placed the girl’s life in danger. How chivalrous. I laughed and Jenny gave me a funny look.
“Let it all out,” she advised.
“What good would that do?”
“It’s worth a try.”
It had taken almost eighteen months before I’d stopped looking over my shoulder.
“You need to talk to him. You know that,” she suggested.
“And say what exactly?”
“Brady is his son. Right?”
I gave her a hard look. “Do you really think I suddenly went out on the town after I saw Beckett flying off a cliff?”
“But you didn’t actually see that happen. Did you?”
Her eyebrow was raised. She was always the voice of reason. I swirled my glass and sat back on the seat. “No, but I identified the clothes.”
“I think he faked his own death.”
While the thought had crossed my mind from day one, I’d shoved it aside. However, that’s exactly what he’d done. “To save my life.”
“Or to be able to skip out of town. You said so yourself. People were after him.”
“I did say that, but things were complicated between us.” I wanted to smack her because she was right. Here I was thinking the man was a hero in what he’d done and the real truth was likely that he’d walked away because things had gotten too hot. Then what the hell was he doing back in town? Making my life miserable?
I was shifting from drowning in confusion to being angry with him. Furious to the point I didn’t give a shit about my feelings from before. He’d betrayed me. Four years and he couldn’t pass me a note? He knew where I lived and worked, for God’s sake.
“Because you cared about him.”
“I did. Maybe I still do.”
“You can’t think that way. Whatever occurred, neither one of you are the same person as four years ago.”
She was right. His eyes had seemed vacant, no emotions in them whatsoever. I threw back more wine, nodding several times as I enjoyed the power of being angry with him. “Bastard.”
“There you go,” she said. “You don’t need him in your life, honey. Think about what he did all those years ago.”
“I know. I hate him. I wish I’d never met him.” I laughed and glanced back outside. “Except if I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t have my little man, the best thing that’s ever happened in my life.”
“I know, honey, but you don’t need the aggravation at this point in your life. Just try and push thoughts of him aside.”
“What if he wants to be in Brady’s life?”
“Then you hire an attorney. There’s not a judge in the fucking country who will allow that man to have any visitation rights after what he did.”
Sighing, I knew she was right. Yet a part of my brain, the part that still had feelings for him even after all the years, wasn’t happy with the idea. Beckett had reasons for leaving.
And for returning.
Maybe he’d missed me so much he couldn’t stand the thought of living without me for the rest of his life. A tiny thrill coursed through me. A second chance at forever.
My pussy clenched more than once and my entire body was suddenly overheated. Jesus. Had I fucked everything up with the way I’d acted?
A sudden anxious feeling outweighed the touch of excitement. He wasn’t the kind of man to take surprises easily. He’d been stunned just like I’d been. Shit. Where was he living? Or maybe he was at a local hotel or bed and breakfast. A part of me was eager to talk to him.
My more intelligent, rational side was chastising the thought. Nothing good would come from pretending what had occurred hadn’t.
“Well, I think I know what he’s doing here.” Marjorie entered the room, immediately heading for her glass of wine.
Jenny glanced at me quickly, acting nonchalant, but I noticed. “O-kay. Why?”
“He’s here to finally sell the cabin in the mountains. He’s using the real estate agent I’m friends with. You know, Becky Turner.”
She had a sheepish look on her face.
“What else?” My tone was demanding, another lump forming in my throat.
I could tell my bestie was going to try to dance around the news.
“Talk!” I huffed.
“First of all, she was forced to sign an NDA by some bigshot New York attorney so I had to figure out the clues she’d dropped. Second, I think she’s nervous about working with Beckett. It’s not what she said, but how she acted. Becky did say the attorney made certain she was aware that ‘the buyer’ was only in town to get the place on the market and he wanted no one to know he was here.”
“Fuck,” Jenny breathed.
The rush of excitement gave way to something much darker. “Oh.” That’s all I could manage to say at this point. He was still being cautious. That meant he wasn’t certain the threat no longer existed.
But the news hit me hard, so much so I rose to my feet. While my legs were shaking, I needed some air. Lots of fucking air. I moved to the door leading to the back deck, doing what I could to keep from losing it. Once outside, I slammed my hands on the railing. How fucking dare he act as if he could return to town without seeing me? Did he really think selling and escaping was the best thing to do?
I was fuming, the anger increasing with every breath I took. Why would he do something like that? The answer was so easy, so fucking easy.
Because he’d never cared about me in the first place. How could he? We hadn’t really known each other. Other than from our intimacy.
What we’d shared had been a farce, a blip in time because we’d been snowed in. As soon as he’d been able to run away, he had. Just like always. At least according to the man himself, the worthless fuck.
I stomped my boot onto the deck, hating myself for being such a fucking fool. I’d actually believed in some crazy fantasy that one day he might return and sweep me off my feet. What was I? Eleven? No man cared about anything but himself.
Especially a man like Beckett.
Or whatever the fuck his real name was.
As if I should give a damn.
“Are you okay?”
Marjorie’s voice and words were tentative.
“Peachy keen.”
“I’m sorry, honey. But you deserved to know.” She flanked my side, folding her arms and leaning over the railing.
“Fuck that man. To hell with him.”
“I agree. Mostly.”
“What do you mean mostly?”
“I mean,” she started and slowly turned her head. “You’ve missed him. Don’t you dare try and tell me you haven’t. I’ve seen the odd way you look at Brady, wishing his father was in the picture. You didn’t tell me everything that happened during that snowy event, but I’m a smart chick. You fell in love with him. There are often reasons for why people do something, even if the concept is tough to stomach.”
“What the fuck are you saying?”
“I’m saying that if you don’t take this hand-delivered opportunity to talk to him, then you will never forgive yourself. And neither will he. You’re both clueless and I kind of get it, but you share a son, a beautiful baby boy together. That means more than just the fling you said you had. And enjoyed I might add.”
I so wanted to smack her, but she was right. Marjorie was always right with regard to my wacky feelings. “He left and let me think he was dead.”
“For reasons?” Marjorie was prodding me.
“Maybe, but it’s been four years. Four years. Why didn’t he send me a letter? Leave me a text message? Something? Anything?”
“Maybe he was protecting you?”
I laughed bitterly seconds later. “Yeah, well, maybe I didn’t need protection from the bad guys. Maybe I needed it from him.”
“Think of it this way. You won’t know until you find the courage to talk to him. I know my best friend. I’ve seen you through thick and thin, especially when you lost Damen. This is different.”
“You’re right that it’s different.”
“Yet the same,” she said quietly. “Only this time no one died. You’ve been given a second chance. I would hate to see you deny what karma gifted you. It doesn’t happen often. Maybe that’s something you should think about.”
She pushed away from the railing, squeezing my arm.
Maybe she was right, yet the ache I felt was the same as before.
I just didn’t think I could go through the agony of losing him all over again.