21. Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-One
J ess wakes up in her bed. Looking around her room in confusion, she tries to remember how she got up here. She'd taken residence up on the couch to keep herself close to the sink to make sure she stayed somewhat hydrated.
Kade. He was here, right? Yes, he carried her up here, and said he came over because he was worried about her. She didn't dream it, right? It was so sweet of him, and she hopes it wasn't some type of fever dream.
The bedroom door opens wider, and Kade walks in with a tray in his arms. "Hey, you're awake."
"I am," she says, suddenly aware of how terrible she must look. She hasn't showered in days, and she has no makeup on.
"Stop it," he says and sets the tray on her lap as she adjusts herself to sit upright.
Her eyes narrow. "Stop what?"
"Going over in your mind how terrible you look. I saw you touching your hair. You're beautiful."
His words make her heart flutter, and she can't look at him anymore. Instead, her eyes look down at the tray on her lap to avoid his handsome face. "Soup?"
"It's not homemade because you had nothing edible in your house when I cleaned out your fridge. And also because I have no idea how you go about something like this from scratch. I went to the deli on the corner and picked it up after I ran to the grocery store. I wasn't sure how your stomach feels, so there are also crackers and seltzer water."
He shopped for her? Tears spring from her eyes, and she has no control over them in her physically exhausted state. Her hands cover her eyes, and she breaks into full-on sobs.
Kade quickly grabs the tray from her lap and sets it on the floor. She feels him sit down on the bed next to her, but he doesn't touch her. "What's wrong? Do you want something else? I can go back to the store-"
Her arms wrap around his neck, and he wraps his own around her. She sobs into his shirt, both relieved and annoyed with herself. She hates letting anyone see her cry.
"Jess, what's going on? What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry," she says and pulls back, hanging her head and wiping her nose. He reaches over and grabs a tissue for her, and she almost starts crying again. "I'm so exhausted. This is really sweet, Kade."
His hand takes her chin and lifts her face to look at him, his eyes searching hers. "You're happy?"
"Appreciative," she says and giggles. "God, my entire body feels like it's been on a week-long bender, and I don't like it. I also don't cry in front of people."
"No, you don't," he says, his voice quiet as his hand drops from her chin and he looks away.
"What's wrong?"
Licking his lips, he stares at the soup on the floor. "It's going to get cold. Do you feel up to eating?"
"Kade, what's going on?"
His eyes find hers as he takes in a deep breath. "I heard you crying."
"When?" She racks her brain, but she can't remember a time she hid crying from Kade. The only time he ever made her cry was post-Lena, and even then, she didn't shed a tear until she was out of his condo.
"Um... the night you gave me my stuff back. I didn't leave right away, and I heard you through the door."
Oh, crap. She couldn't hold her emotions in, but she didn't think he was still there. Or that she could be heard through the door. The last thing she expected was for him to stick around after she shut the door in his face. "Oh."
"It's haunted me ever since."
His words take her by surprise. "What?"
"Hearing how upset you were, really hearing it, it did something to me. I'm used to women crying out of anger, but yours wasn't anger. Nothing you've ever really said to me was out of anger. It was pain, and I hate knowing I'm the one that caused it. I wanted to knock and force you to open up to let me comfort you, but at the time, it wouldn’t have helped. It would have only hurt more."
His confession knots her stomach. This is far too deep for her current state. "Can I try the soup?"
"Of course." Kade reaches down and grabs the tray, placing it back on her lap. He almost looks relieved.
"This looks good," Jess says and takes a tentative sip of the hot liquid. "It is good."
"I didn't put too much in the bowl because I wasn't sure how much you felt up to eating. But there's more in the fridge I can heat up, if you want."
Her stomach doesn't feel as queasy as it did earlier, but she doesn't want to risk eating too much. Even if she could, she didn't think she should try. "This is perfect. Thank you."
He stays silent as she eats slowly, finally stopping when half the bowl is gone. It tastes amazing, but she doesn't dare risk tasting it as it comes back up.
"Do you want me to run you a bath?"
The question surprises her, and she blinks at him. "Run me a bath?"
"You love them. And showers require a lot of standing, which I don't think you're quite ready for right now."
"I'm probably pretty ripe. Yeah, that sounds good."
He smiles and walks into her bathroom. The faucet runs, and she finds comfort in the fact he knows how much she likes baths. It doesn't hurt he's taken more than a few with her. The bathtub is one of the two reasons she bought this house. Not many places with the history this one has also had a two-person bathtub, and she uses it every chance she gets. It's her self-care, and she’s unashamed.
Kade walks out and smiles. "Okay, it's running, and I put in the bubbles you got for when we, I mean… when you have company. Figured a softer scent would be best."
"You never liked my bubble bath," Jess says and slowly moves out of bed.
"It was just a little too girly," he says and chuckles as he helps her into the bathroom.
Giving her privacy, he shuts the door, and she strips down before sliding into the hot water. The heat washes over her, and she feels her body fully relax. Her sore muscles feel relief, and she leans her head back. Kade did this for her. Came to check on her, got her soup, and ran her a bath.
Her eyes close, and she forces the confused and conflicting feelings aside. One nice act of service doesn't undo all the harm he's done to her heart. It makes it a little harder to say she can't trust him, though.
Jess washes herself and rings out her hair before braiding it and wrapping it at the top of her head. The energy to dry it just isn't in her, and she slips on her robe before walking into her bedroom.
"Hey, I was just coming to check on you," Kade says.
Jess stares at the bed with new bedding on it, and she looks at it with confusion. "You stripped my bed?"
"I wasn't sure the last time you washed them, but you normally do it weekly. And if you were sick on Tuesday, they probably had a few germs on them. I threw them in the wash. The blanket from downstairs is in the dryer, and I'll put it back when it's done."
Who is this man? He was always considerate, but this is above and beyond anything he's ever done before. "Am I dreaming?"
"What?"
"Am I having a fever dream or something?"
He walks over and places the back of his hand on her forehead. "You don't feel like you have a fever. Do you have a thermometer to check?"
"No, I'm fine. This... this just isn't like you."
Smiling, he guides her to her bed. "I told you, I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. Things will be different if you give me a chance. I'm not the same selfish asshole you knew before."
"I never thought you were a selfish asshole," she says and slides into bed.
Handing her the remote, he stands awkwardly. "Do you want me to leave?"
"You've done more than you needed to, Kade. Thank you. I'll be fine if you need to leave."
"I don't want to leave. I'd like to stay," he says and climbs into bed next to her on top of the covers.
It's late, but she's not quite as tired as she expected. The soup seemed to help give her a little bit of strength and energy she hadn’t had for most of the week.
"Let's watch one of those terrible shows on that channel that hates men. The one where the husband or boyfriend or boss is usually the stalker, and then she becomes a badass and kicks his ass after the cops say they can't help her."
Smiling, she turns on the TV, but it doesn't take long before her body relaxes and falls asleep again.
J ess wakes up to find her robe open and exposing her bare chest in the morning light. The TV is off, and Kade lies asleep next to her in his jeans and t-shirt from the night before. She quickly pulls the fabric over her skin to avoid him getting an eyeful if he wakes up.
She usually woke before him, and she used to like lying and watching him for a few minutes while he slept. Sometimes, he'd have a small smile on his face, and she remembers hoping he dreamt of her.
Thinking back to the night before, she smiles at everything he did for her. He carried her upstairs, washed her bedding, brought her dinner, and drew a bath for her. Then he watched the movies he always complained about because he knows she loves them. It's her guilty pleasure.
Having him in her bed like this, after everything he did, makes it impossible not to wonder if letting him in again and giving him another shot would be all bad. He seems like he's changed, and she really appreciated him being here last night. But as soon as the idea pops into her head, memories of him with Lena replace those thoughts. The way he thrust into her like a jackhammer on the kitchen counter after lying and telling her he was sick. Along with those images comes the painful feelings she had for longer than she wanted. How she wanted to call him, talk to him, touch him. To remind him of how good they were together, and how big of a mistake he made.
Jess slips out of bed and reties her robe before walking downstairs. Distance. She needs distance to help keep her thoughts in focus and not get lost in the wishes from the past. But first, she needs food. Soup doesn't sound great for breakfast, but maybe there are still crackers she can snack on.
Downstairs, she opens her cabinets to find food she doesn't remember buying. Inside sits oatmeal, which sounds really bland and oddly appetizing right now. But she never went to the store to get milk, which she needs to make the mushy oats. Water just won't cut it.
Abandoning that idea, she opens the fridge and gasps. It's fully stocked. Meat, cheese, vegetables, fruit, and milk. Regular and almond. There's more food than she normally buys for just herself, and she walks backwards until she hits the counter, her eyes glued to the fridge.
"He bought me groceries. A week's worth of groceries, not just dinner. After taking care of me. He's acting almost like... like a boyfriend."
Footsteps on the stairs pull her attention from the food, and she grips her robe closed as she waits for Kade to walk into the kitchen.
"Morning, beautiful," Kade says with a sleepy smile. He always looked so damn good in the mornings. "You're looking a lot better today. You're more off-white than ghostly today."
Her hand moves to touch her cheek, and she feels herself flush. She can't believe she let him see her like that. "Thanks."
"I wasn’t exactly sure what you wanted to prep for the week, so I probably went a little crazy. I wanted to give you options once you felt better."
"Did you take my wallet?"
His brows furrow. "Excuse me?"
"To go grocery shopping. Did you use my card to pay for all this?"
The offense in his eyes hurts her. "No, Jess."
"You bought this yourself?"
"Yes."
"Kade..." The feelings hit her all at once, and she becomes overwhelmed. "You shouldn't have."
"You didn't have any food, Jess. I wasn’t going to let you wake up and starve. I know you don't think that much of me, but I'm not a monster."
Her eyes find his, and she knows she hurt his feelings without meaning to. "I didn't mean it the way it came out. I never thought you were a monster."
"I can buy you groceries. And please don't insult me by offering to pay me back. I wanted to do something nice for you."
Her heart races. This isn't going how she wanted it to, and she doesn't want to offend him. "I'm sorry, Kade."
"You're not used to me doing nice things for you," he says, his tone softening. "I get it, but-"
"No one's ever done something like this for me," she interrupts. "It's really thoughtful and kind and really confusing."
"Confusing?"
Her stomach flips, but for the first time in almost a week, it's not from her illness. "I think it might be best if you leave."
"Jess, what did I do? I'm sorry I got upset."
"No, it's not that. You, I... You have a right to feel upset. I didn't mean what I said to come out the way it did. I'm just... this is a lot, Kade."
Walking towards her, his hands cup her face. "What do you mean?"
Her lip quivers, but she won't let him see her cry again. "I need some time to think. I really appreciate everything you've done... more than you could possibly know. But I'm having trouble putting my thoughts together in a coherent manner right now, and I need some space. It's... this is all kind of a lot to take in right now."
Licking his lips, he nods. She knows he doesn't want to leave, but he respects her wishes. "Promise me you'll call if you need anything?"
"I will."
He kisses her forehead and walks towards the door. "The sheets are in the dryer. I fell asleep before they were done, so I didn't fold them. Which might be for the best considering the last fight I got into with your fitted sheet."
Jess smiles at the memory of him trying to help her fold her bedding months ago. "Thank you, Kade."
"You're welcome. Anything, okay? If you need anything, call me. I'll be here with bells on."
The door shuts, and she lets the tears fall. There's no doubt in her mind he means it, but she just doesn't know if she can trust him again. Even after all this, she wants nothing more than to curl up into him and find comfort. But considering how much pain he put her through last time, who'll comfort her when it all comes crumbling down again?