Chapter 21 Maddox
MADDOX
Future Wife
Hey, can we talk?
Maddox
Absolutely. Tell me when and where. Actually, scratch that. I’m coming to you. What are you craving? What do you need? Tell me what to bring.
Just you.
Inever thought those two words would fill me with such dread. Or hope. At this point, it’s a coin flip.
I mean, it could be “just you” in the sense that she’s planning on ending things and doesn’t want me making a fuss over her because this is going to be a quick visit.
She could’ve decided she doesn’t want the baby, that she’s not in a place for it in her life, and with that, she thinks it’s best there’s no more us.
And she’d have every right to do that. Her body.
Her life. Her choice. And I’ll support her in that decision.
She could also want to keep the baby but put a pause on us. I’d hate that too, but I’d understand it.
Or! Or maybe “just you” is relaxed and she meant it like, “I need you Maddox because I love you and you being in my life will make everything feel better and we’re going to have a baby!”
I guess I’ll see once she opens the door.
When she does, she doesn’t jump into my arms. Then again, even if she wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to catch her. It’s not like I was going to show up empty handed, no matter what her text said.
“Maddox…”
I had to know that was coming. I mean, I’m standing here with ginger ale, caffeine free Coke Zero, and crackers.
“Gabrielle…”
God it’s been too long since we’ve had one of our standoffs. I’ve missed it.
I’ve missed her.
“I told you I didn’t need anything.”
Those are the words she said. But I relax the second I see the hint of a smile at the corner of her pink lips. “And if you think by now I’m not bringing things, then you don’t know me at all.”
She steps out of the way, letting me through to her living room. I know I was here a few days ago, but it feels like a lifetime.
When I left that morning, she was honest that she needed some time and space to think about things. I told her I’d give her as much of both as she needed. And that was the truth. While it was killing me to stay away, I knew that's what I had to do.
I needed time to think too. Sure, I thought a lot about things in rapid fire when I went out to get the pregnancy tests, but once it was real, I needed a solid game plan.
So I made notes to call my financial planner to talk about money, as well as my insurance person to talk about upping my life insurance.
Football is a dangerous game so I’ve already had a will drawn up, but now I need to get with my lawyer to change that around.
I also made notes about items to look up in terms of strollers, cribs, and everything else baby that I don’t know anything about.
Oh, and of course preschools. My kid is going to be whatever they want to be, and it’s going to start off by making sure they’re in the best preschool in the area.
Am I ready to be a father? Who the hell knows. Probably not. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try my damndest. Because like so many other times in my life, I’m going to do the exact opposite of what my father did.
“I need to start off by apologizing,” Gabi says as we take a seat on her couch.
I sit next to her, putting my phone and keys on her coffee table.
“I knew I needed to think, and thank you so much for giving me that space. But I shouldn’t have gone radio silent for that long. That wasn’t fair to you.”
“Thank you, but you don't need to apologize. It was good for me to think too.” I take the chance of reaching out and taking hold of her hand. Thank fuck she not only accepts my touch, but intertwines our fingers together. “How are you feeling? Are you okay? Have you been getting any sleep?”
“I’ve been hanging in there,” she says. “Nausea comes and goes all during the day. It’s been pretty constant, but that’s been the worst part. Luckily, no one at work has noticed my frequent bathroom trips, but I don’t know how much longer that’s going to hold up.”
“I’m going to guess Phyllis and Kitty know, but they’re probably waiting to see when you’ll spill the beans. After another week when you don’t, Phyllis is going to say something out of pocket and then Kitty’s going to come clean.”
Her smile is what my soul needs right now. “You’re right. And then they’re going to start knitting baby blankets at the bakery and pick out their grandma names.”
I smile at the thought, but then it hits me that she’s talking in future terms. I don’t want to ask the question, and I’m ninety-nine percent sure I know the answer, but I need to hear it for myself.
“So…you’re…we’re…”
“Yes, I’m keeping it,” she says, pushing back a stray tear as I do my best not to be obvious about the huge breath I let out. “Back when I was married, I’d always wanted a family.”
“Let me guess, the asshole gave you a million reasons why not to have a kid.”
“A million and two, to be exact.”
Gabi pauses for a second, which gives me an opportunity to bring her a little closer. Not too much that I’m invading her space, but enough for her to know that I’m here for her. However she wants me to be.
“I’m not going to lie to you,” she continues.
“I’m petrified. This was also the last thing I had on my post-divorce bucket list. And it’s one of a million things in my life that have happened unplanned.
But at the end of the day, this is something I had wanted.
That I do want. And even though I’m terrified, scared, freaked out and everything in between, I want this. I want this baby.”
I have no words. For a guy who’s been voted most talkative in every classroom and locker room I’ve ever been in, I don’t have the words to express the joy, and relief, that is running through me right now.
So I show her in the best way I know how.
I take her face in my hands and pull her to me, kissing her with every excited, nervous, ecstatic, hopeful emotion I have in my body.
I can’t hold back my own tears, and I don’t try to.
In fact, there’s something poetic about knowing she’s crying as well, and feeling each drop of our emotions as they roll down our cheeks.
“Maddox…you’re crying. Do you not want…? I know we didn’t get to that part yet, but I want you to know, if you don’t want this—the baby or me or anything—I don’t want to force you or expect—”
She lets out a yelp as I scoop her into my arms, placing her firmly on my lap. “Oh no, Gabrielle, these are the happiest tears you’ll ever see. You and me? Having a baby? I don’t know how I could be more happy than at this moment.”
I pull her into me again, our lips locking in what might be the most truly happy kiss I’ve ever experienced in my life. I didn’t know kisses could be happy. Hot? Sure. Sexy? Without a doubt. Needy? More often than not. But happy? This is a new one.
One I want to experience every day for the rest of my life.
“What are we doing?” she asks as we pull away, our foreheads resting against each other’s.
“Apparently, having a baby.”
She pulls away slightly, enough so our eyes can lock after my apparent bad joke. “Aren’t you scared? Why don’t you seem scared?”
“Of course I am. Every fear and emotion you said earlier, I’m those times a thousand. Plus add in a little childhood trauma for an additional kick.”
Gabi doesn’t laugh at my self-deprecating joke, but her hand runs softly down my cheek. I lean into it, trying to will it into giving me the strength to tell her everything—and every fear—in my mind.
“I’m so scared, Gabi, of so many things.
Am I ready? I mean, I have to be, but am I?
I don’t know. I had to Google last week how to set the clock on my microwave.
That doesn’t sound like a guy who’s ready to raise a human.
” That pulls a little chuckle from her, so that’s progress.
And I hold onto it with everything I have as I spill my guts to her.
“But I sucked it up and I did what I do best—I went to the store, bought twenty notebooks, and started writing down my plans. Everything I need to do now that I’m about to become a father.
I don’t know shit about shit, but I have roughly thirty-four weeks to get my act together. ”
“Because I want to be there for you. I know I’m going to be there for you.
But there’s this voice in my head reminding me I’m his son, and I’m going to get scared and leave.
I promise you, I’m fighting it. Every day.
Because I’m scared shitless of becoming my father, and I don’t want to be anything like him.
“So yes, I’m scared. Terrified is probably a better word.
But I am going to be ready. I’m going to be here.
The best partner and father I can be. There’s going to be a million and a half things to worry about until November first, but none of those are going to be whether or not I’m in this with you. Because I’m in, Gabi. I’m all in.”
Her blinking picks up, and while I think I delivered one hell of a monologue, her curious look is making me wonder what I said wrong.
“You know our baby’s due date?” Her voice is soft, but wavers a bit, almost like she’s about to cry.
I feel my cheeks flush, because I didn’t even remember dropping that date in there.
“I went on a baby website. Punched in the conception date. Pretty memorable day for me, for numerous reasons. The internet can be a great place. Also, in case you haven’t looked it up yet, tiny tot is the size of a sweet pea. ”
And, crap. I see the tears pooling back in her eyes. She’s definitely gonna cry.
“You looked things up?”
“Of course I did. I might be scared shitless, and might’ve YouTubed tutorials on how to change a diaper yesterday, but I also bookmarked eighteen baby progress web pages, and I’m damn sure going to know my kid’s birthday. I’m going to know everything.”